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InvisibleAdden
Sandcastle in the Sun
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Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 36,485
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad
    #1731805 - 07/20/03 05:50 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Well, my first post here. Not many of you know me and I kind of hang on the fringes of this message board, but I don't have anyone else to turn to. So please get to know me. This is long, but be forgiving. Thanks.

I started drinking at age 16. There was a point where I was drinking well over $200 worth of booze a week. At the time, I had a paper route and an awesome job so $200 was less than half my paycheck. For some reason, it didn't adversely effect my life, or at least I didn't think so.

I hit what I believed was "rock bottom" and quit drinking for a while - boy was I in for a surprise what rock bottom could really be. I needed to drink before going to the mall. I needed to drink to hang out with my girlfriend. I needed to drink if I was around the guys. I needed to drink by myself if there was nothing to do. I was in awesome shape at the time, 215 lbs with 6% body fat... but that was soon to change.

So after I got over my run with liquor, I hurt my shoulder at the gym and was told I couldn't lift for at least another 18 months, and that was after extensive surgery to repair the biceps tendon that I had apparently ripped off the bone and shattered the capsule that holds the joint in place. Prescription meds and pot ensued, leading me on a downspiral that has so far ruined my life.

Senior year of highschool I was high on vicodin and percocet ALL THE TIME. I gained weight. I had my surgery but had a good job at a porn store ($10/hr, FT). Then it was summer and my cast eventually came off. A person I was never really friends with in high school asked me if I could get him a job there, and I did.

We became best friends. We drank almost every night, but usually I smoked an eighth or a quarter A DAY with another friend of mine first. Shit went down at the porn store - glory holes in the preview booths - and although I was a smoker, there was too much drug exchange/usage etc going on at work. No one at work really knew I smoked but it was definitely something that shouldn't be mixed in the workplace. Other employees were stealing money from the register, the booths, each other, and stealing drugs from each other. Cigarette breaks were bowl breaks for all of them. We no longer had the bond that co-workers share.. the hatred for the boss but the drive to complete the tasks at hand.

That was before my first semester at school. School began, and I didn't really drink that much anymore, but I was smoking way too much. It was cheap, I had a lot of dealer friends, and a lot of 'drug friends' too. I became paranoid all the time. I went to class high. I skipped class to get high. I got high after class. I wrote papers high, if I wasn't handing in old high school papers or bullshitting up an easy A. Getting high made me think too much. I suffered this until about three weeks ago, when I realized I was only getting high to feed an addiction not because I enjoyed it anymore. I began to feel like a social outcast, and in turn, made myself one. I didn't do well in school. I stopped going to 4 classes in both semesters (1, and then 3 the second). However, I still had a 1.96 GPA - which means all of my other classes were ~A's. I excelled in what I could. I failed in other subjects. I could have filled out the withdrawl paperwork but between my newfound social anxiety and having to break it to my parents - I just couldn't do it.

About 7-8 weeks ago, I became friends with two big potheads. One was a pot dealer, one an oxycontin dealer (who ended up getting hit). The pot dealer was an old lifting buddy of mine, actually, and we used to drink all the time (see above age 16). I was never really down for the synthetic heroin but I did it a few times, why the fuck not? I had the pills when I got my surgery. It was nothing new. Like being reacquainted with an old friend.

Then I was introduced to DXM. A three week binge of coricidin. I think it fucked me up. In fact I know it did. At the tail-end of the binge, acid finally came around. Thank god it did, because it saved my life. Even rereading this post makes me realize how abundant substance abuse has been in my life. When I tripped on LSD, I saw everything that I just typed - I kept it hidden from myself for all that time. I was fooling myself. Acid slapped me across the face and said, "Look Chris, you had better stop fucking up NOW and get your shit straight or you're gonna end up in prison or dead."

I don't want to confess to my illegal deeds during this time period, but believe me, I could be getting railed by Bubba right now for a long, long time. Never hurt anyone, but you guys know the US laws... I thank God every day that I came out unscathed (in some ways).

I want to think that I have control of my life, but I still haven't found a job.. this job market really sucks.. but I've been clean from pot for 23 days now. I drink every Friday night but it's poker and asshole night at a buddy's, and it never goes beyond that. 10-15 beers... but I know that's still a lot. After quitting so many drugs and cleaning my shit up, I deserve to at least get trashed once a week.

I started working out again. I'm clean now. I need to find work. But I need support. If any of you have read this exceedingly long post about my self-destructive behavior or have any tips for me, please post, or PM.. or anything. My straight-edge only-drink-once-in-a-while girlfriend can't relate to any of my problems and right now she's all I got. What they say about drug friends is true.. when you're not doing drugs anymore they're gone in a second. Stoner buddies - that's all they are. Stoner buddies. Don't make the mistake I did and consider them real friends.


...anyone? plz help.





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Outdoor Mushroom Cultivation


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OfflineMighty Bop
Big Boy

Registered: 06/30/01
Posts: 1,920
Loc: Nowhere
Last seen: 5 months, 20 days
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1731845 - 07/20/03 06:45 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Keep lifting.


--------------------
"One attaineth whatever state of being one thinketh about at the last when relinquishing the body, being ever absorbed in the thought thereof." - Sri Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad Gita, viii, 6


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InvisibleAdden
Sandcastle in the Sun
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 36,485
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Mighty Bop]
    #1731853 - 07/20/03 06:56 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

I plan on it.. bench used to be 335, 700 squat, 185 behind the neck shoulder press, and it was 605 shoulder shrugs that ripped my shoulder out. The bar was filled with 45 plates on each side and of course, it was the last fucking rep that did me in :frown:

I already feel better, the coricidin binge actually made me lose like 15 lbs, the acid woke me up, and I was motivated to keep the ball rolling since I already lost some weight. It was perfect timing to get out while I could and clean my act up. I've sinced dropped 10 more lbs and am back down to 215, but not 6% body fat. Still a ways to go, gotta bulk back up and cut some more fat.

It's just the irony of life that drugs screwed me over but ended up helping me get my life back on track in the end? I just hope I don't fall off the wagon...


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OfflineGrav
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
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Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1732011 - 07/20/03 11:46 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Different drugs do very different things, as you well know. Some are purely destructive to your long-term reality, some drugs (like LSD), make you want to stop doing drugs.

I was a pretty heavy pothead and tripper for the past couple years but I ate a bunch o' shroomies on the 4th of July and had a realization similar to yours, where I was just like "Okay, if you want to get anywhere in life you have to get your shit together. Stop kidding yourself into thinking you'll be able to focus and do drugs at the same time!"

Since then I have been totally clean. Its only been 16 days, but I have absolutely zero urge to do drugs anymore. I am totally confident of my decision. I may decide to get high again just ONCE in a few months maybe. MAYBE. I'll wait and see how I feel in a long time. For now I have alot of studying to do.

Dude, you should consider yourself blessed to have found your way out of that shit. You are free now, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Now you must believe in positive change. Keep it going. Never forget what you've been through and be aware of where you are going at all times.

Go for some long walks and think about all the things you have going for you now.


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OfflineJudas
taxidermist

Registered: 09/23/02
Posts: 78
Loc: Iowa
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Grav]
    #1732487 - 07/20/03 04:10 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Good job dude! Stay humble and appreciative and good things will come with time, cravings come and then YES, they go. You aren't very far off from being able to enjoy life in a way you havent for a very long time so just keep positive. When I get down or bad cravings all it takes for me is a little bit of inspirational music. Let the music help you.


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"Better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not".
Phlogiston Verdigris


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OfflineMighty Bop
Big Boy

Registered: 06/30/01
Posts: 1,920
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Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Judas]
    #1732538 - 07/20/03 04:36 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Lifting will keep you on the right path man. You know this.


--------------------
"One attaineth whatever state of being one thinketh about at the last when relinquishing the body, being ever absorbed in the thought thereof." - Sri Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad Gita, viii, 6


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InvisibleAdden
Sandcastle in the Sun
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 36,485
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Mighty Bop]
    #1732592 - 07/20/03 05:03 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Oh god, I'm quitting cigarettes today, too. I usually travel out of state and stock up on cartons but I'm broker than bloody hell right now.. so I'm selling what I have left to my friends and family and putting that money right into the bank where it belongs. I need to get back to where I used to be, and surpass my previous accomplishments. I can't wait until school starts so I can do well like I damn well know I can.


Thanks for lookin' out guys =) Any other advice or anything is still greatly appreciated.


--------------------



Outdoor Mushroom Cultivation


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OfflineGrav
 User Gallery

Registered: 02/06/02
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Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1733529 - 07/21/03 12:26 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

Yea don't let ANYONE influence you. You're in control.


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Offlineresin
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Registered: 06/12/02
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Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Grav]
    #1736240 - 07/21/03 09:59 PM (13 years, 10 months ago)

You gotta learn man, only you can learn it, nobody can tell you. Coricedin is straight JUNKY. I rather smoke crack outa rose rube then eat 8 corricedin. You have no real freinds, In the end your alone man, Trust no one. Did your freinds actually do things or just get high? If your freindship was based on drugs and you dont do drugs then you have no0 freindship(DuH!) So dont think their assholes. Drugs did not do this to you YOU did this to you. When you learn this you will fix some of your problems. You sound like you have an addictive personality which is bad. Personally I stay high as fuck and maintian a 3.0 and a job. Things used to be shitty before I learned to control myself and my drug usage. Figure out what you need to do


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Offlinepattern
multiplayer

Registered: 07/19/02
Posts: 2,183
Loc: Canada
Last seen: 2 years, 2 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1737215 - 07/22/03 04:08 AM (13 years, 10 months ago)

You have a girlfriend, and some buddies. Many people dont even have those things. Look for a low-end job at a decent company where you can work hard and go places.

I dunno man, from what you type, your actual life doesnt sound that bad, just how you are living it. I suppose I could say the same thing about my life. Maybe you need antidepressants, but you definitely need a job. Im in the same situation.

But I say to myself: "I wont let this world crush me, alot of people want to see me fail, they can go fuck themselves, I will succeed in spite of all the shit and hate they throw my way. I accept love and friendship, I make the best of every opportunity that is given to me. Im not gonna waste my time debating my actions. I will do the right thing and I will do it now." Maybe I am wrong and I'll continue forever down this path of shitty luck, but at least I can say I gave it my best shot.

You can either die with dignity or shame, choose one.


--------------------
man = monkey + mushroom


Edited by pattern (07/22/03 10:32 PM)


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OfflineStimpy
Stranger
Registered: 06/22/03
Posts: 4
Last seen: 13 years, 2 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1743220 - 07/24/03 01:05 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

I want to think that I have control of my life, but I still haven't found a job.. this job market really sucks.. but I've been clean from pot for 23 days now. I drink every Friday night but it's poker and asshole night at a buddy's, and it never goes beyond that. 10-15 beers... but I know that's still a lot. After quitting so many drugs and cleaning my shit up, I deserve to at least get trashed once a week.




While I was never quite so self-destructive, I have a success story for you. I smoked pot when I was a teenager, then switched to beer at 18. Through most of my twenties I drank a 12 pack Monday through Thursday, and 18 on Friday and Saturday - every week for almost 10 years, all the while holding down a job and working my way up at various software companies. When I hit 30 I went through a kind of early mid-life crisis and started working out. The desire to be in the best shape possible helped me drastically cut down, and now I binge on an 18 pack every 3 to 4 weeks with my old drinkin' buddy/best friend. I have the career I want, making decent (if not exceptional) money. I've been doing it this way for a couple years now, and I can honestly say that I don't crave alcohol at all anymore - I do it for pure enjoyment. In fact I have a full bar of the hard stuff that's gathering dust. I also occasionally shroom, when the opportunity presents itself, but never so much that I lose connection with reality.

I actually quit a 14-year smoking habit during the single biggest heartbreak of my life, which I consider to be a phenomenal achievement. The nicotine gum is a big help, as long as you don't follow the instructions: the trick is to use it like dip, keeping it in your front upper or lower lip (not the sides of your mouth). It also lasts FAR longer than they let on. I used it for 10 months, much longer than they recommend, because I wanted to be 1,000% sure that I had kicked it for good. I SLOWLY decreased the amount I used until I had the same piece in my mouth all day. This month is my 4 year anniversary without a cigarette.

Don't let that girl go - she's your anchor. And concentrate on the physical improvement. Pay $10 for membership here and read until your eyeballs fall out. It will motivate you like nothing else. There is a lot of wisdom there - none of that "Muscle and Fitness" steroid induced bullshit. Oh and knock off those behind the neck presses. Good way to mess up your shoulder again :smile:

Good luck. 


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InvisibleAdden
Sandcastle in the Sun
I'm a teapot User Gallery

Registered: 06/04/03
Posts: 36,485
Loc: Amongst the Dunes
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Stimpy]
    #1744148 - 07/24/03 11:28 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Thanks for the support Stimpster.. congratulations on your 4 year anniversary! Heh. Yeah, my girl means the world to me man, we've had a few ups and downs lately but ultimately I know she's the woman I'm gonna marry. Throughout all of this, all her "whining and nagging" as I used to call it was just voiced concern about what I was doing to myself. I used to yell at her for it. God... all the apologizing I've done. She knows I've fucked up, and now so do I. I can't believe she's even still there for me after some of this shit. I'm down to 2-3 cigs a day for the past four days, I'm about to kick it totally. She's happy as hell I'm quitting cigs too... I figure, after all the bullshit, it's the least I can do for her.


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OfflineRANKSRAGGY68
Scooby SnacksIndeed!!

Registered: 07/26/03
Posts: 187
Loc: Texas
Last seen: 13 years, 8 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Adden]
    #1750064 - 07/26/03 03:35 AM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Sometimes one must experience excess in order to reach enlightenment. Read or re-read Sidarthra. Did I spell that right or has my road of excess screwed up my spelling skills.

Okay, You are not the first to find the bottom. I've been there. Nothing saved me except myself. I also got very very very very lucky along the way. Key people kept believing in me and encouraging me. It's time to look around yourself and see who the people are that will love you no matter what decision you make. Look to those people to be there when the fit hits the shan.

Keep lifting. Imagine a physical you and a mental you that is where you want to be. Then start eliminating all the obstacles to get there. You'll be okay, and taking that first step is the hardest one. I'm very glad that LSD was the catalyst for you. That's wonderful news for so many of us here.

-RR68


--------------------
"Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition."


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OfflineInca
Fungus Lover
Registered: 04/30/02
Posts: 22
Last seen: 9 years, 5 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: RANKSRAGGY68]
    #1785850 - 08/06/03 06:58 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Hey Man Congrats!! You're one of the lucky few. Just thank God and Keep your head up!
Peace,
Inca


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Did i mention....I Love Fungus


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Offlineneutralizer
Spiritual beinghaving a Humanexperience
Registered: 06/17/03
Posts: 635
Loc: This Planet Earth
Last seen: 10 years, 3 months
Re: Hell & Back - Life shot to shit and I need help bad [Re: Inca]
    #1785912 - 08/06/03 07:24 PM (13 years, 9 months ago)

Hope you're still doing well, my friend.


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There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors - Morrison


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