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I've been thinking about change a lot recently. I used to live in Iowa, and four years ago, we moved to Wisconsin. My mom still lives here, in Iowa. Well, I recently had to say good-bye to everyone in Wisconsin, because I'm leaving to Norway for a year, and I came down to visit my mom before I go. Its really fucking with my head. I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past year, a lot of hard thinking. I realized that you can either actively life your life, or just sort of float. To actively take control of your life, you do sort of have to plan ahead, and you do have to take sacrifices. I dropped out of high school a couple of months into my senior year (high honor student), because I am not interested in pursuing any sort of normal career. I've always looked at college brochures, "Hmm, what field do I want to go into?". I considered this and that, and decided to find what I would be truly interested in doing. Well, I have an avid love of hard music, my favourite bands being the likes of Metallica, Tool, In Flames, Iron Maiden, a lot of the melodic Scandanavian death metal (the aforementioned IN FLAMES, Children of Bodom, Dark Tranquility, Dimmu Borgir), Megadeth, Mudvayne, etc., etc. I had been playing bass guitar for awhile, pretty good for the time I put into it. I realized that this is what I wanted to go for. To lead a band, to create the music I want, and to play it to others interested, and to have that sustain me. Quite the lofty goal? Cliche? Sure. Every fucking kid wants to "be in a band, man". "We're going to make it rich!". Then they find out it is hard work. So, then they drift. So, I dropped out (with the intent of getting the GED, for the shitty, fundraising jobs, which I did get with high scores, of course), got more hours at my work, and played guitar. Change? Easy change. Stopped having to go to hell, got more money, more time to play guitar. I am well on my way to mastering the fucking insturment, pretty much in the league of the likes of Cliff Burton, Jason Newsted, Steve Harris, etc., with the only thing they have on me being more experience. I've learned a lot about music, too, the aspects of songs, the business, basically the whole fucking, all encompassing world of it (which is why i dropped out, so I could learn what I needed to learn). I actively listen to music, to the point where I can hear songs played in my head (especially bass lines, I can play bass in my head) Anyways, I am getting paid to go to Norway for a full year, basically as an au pair (getting paid to go to Norway for a year? I don't care if I have to milk fucking Swiss cows!). Perfect oppurtunity to refine my mastered skills, be immersed into a music scene that I have a growing love for, and even find a good vocalist. It all seems to come together in my head perfectly, the whole plans and goals I have. I mean, my best friend picked up the guitar, has been working with the same drive and determination I have (well, maybe just a bit less, hehe), and is now a damn good lead guitarist and well on his way. Here it is, two weeks from leaving for a fucking year. Change? Full fucking, slap-you-in-your-fucking-face, nothing-will-be-the-same-from-this-point, getting-dunked-into-the-ocean-that-is-the-world FUCKING CHANGE. Easy change? Not hardly. My lead guitarist, he is my best friend. Something interesting or funny happens to me, my head thinks "can't wait to tell him about that". I mean, we seem to be able to read each others minds. It comes down to this. Its tough as hell. I know I have to go, I want to go, and know I will love it. This is basically "You're out of high school, nothing is going to be the same, say good-bye to your friends, probably never see them again, half of them are going to be dead soon, anyways" kind of thing. This is basically me being thrown out of the nest, me missing everything I've left, and I know I am going to soar through the skies and find what I'm looking for, I'm just tore up about leaving. Anybody else have something like this go on? I'm not looking for words of encouragement or anything, I know I'm on the right path and will love what I'm doing, and I can't wait until we're together every day on the bus, I guess I just see this as revelant to the topic of change. Maybe this: "Change is hard, but for the better"? I mean, I have recently found that everything in my life has a reason for happening. Even if at the time, it doesn't seem like the best or it is hard, in the end it is for the best. Its funny, I said good-bye to everybody and all that, my lead guitarist was actually in the car that dropped me off at home the day before we left for Iowa, and it was all handshakes and good-byes. Have fun, and all that. I had a lot of shit that I had to take to his house, though, cds, some shroomz growing stuff and that, and I wrote a letter to him. I said a lot of what I said above, actually, the stuff about having to actively take control of your life and that, that I was just thinking about all of it. I told him that he was the best friend I'd ever had, that I wanted him there beside me, leading the band I would be putting together when I came back, basically listed all the steps on the road to the top (the top, for me, being where I can be sustained by playing music, having a fan base that loves us, being able to tour, and having all the money and time we need to make our musicial fantasies turn to reality in the studio. basically, the top being musical freedom, fans that dig it, and being able to play our music to them all over the world), saying that I want him there for every one, and that even if he decides he doesn't want to, that he'd still be the coolest motherfucker around, forever. Anyways, sorry for rambling and all that. Its just everything that has been circling my head recently, and getting it out was nice. Peace.
If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you