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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing
    #1699074 - 07/09/03 10:10 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

July is under the sign of the Crab. It rules the Heart, and is usually pictured over that location in old astrology books. The Crab has many forms, and though not usually pictured, the Hermit Crab used to be a favorite because being an introvert, I am something of a hermit. The Crab also has pinchers, by which Cancerians, or Moon Children symbolically hold on to the past, which is to say, become emotionally attached and backwards-looking.

July is also the month in which my most important Inner Initiations have occurred. On Independence Day, I posted on the 30th anniversary of 'The Trip That Changed My Life,' during which I re-experienced my biological birth, and became Twice Born. July 1st marks two notable events for me: my first LSD trip ('72) and my Christian Baptism ('76). As you can see, there is much attachment to these points along my life line.

At 6:33 AM, July 9th, 2003, I became 50 years old. I make this announcement NOT to reap congratulations on the upside, or to provoke contempt on the downside. I announce this because people at this site are interested in non-ordinary states of awareness, and I'm therefore making a non-substance-induced 'trip report,' (yes, on the S&P). I am usually pretty clear (I'm told) about describing things, but there has been months of anticipation, and today is becoming "curiouser and curiouser." Every emotion that begins to 'sprout up' like a lotus from murky depths into a recognizable 'blossom' of sadness, or depression, or even satisfaction or exhilaration - whatever - is abruptly cut off! I'm trying to answer the question put to me by me (since I'm alone : "How do I feel?," and I can't answer the question. It is like one of those wrathful Tibetan Buddhist deities like Manjusri or Mahakala, waving their Swords of Discriminating Wisdom that cuts through ignorance. Perhaps a better analogy is the female aspect of Wisdom, who sits in cosmic-sexual union (Yab-Yum) with her consort Compassion, and who holds the curved kartika knife behind him - the blade that cuts away attachments to this life. My Lady has unwittingly assumed that role by repeatedly telling me to "let go" of the past.

Now, I may be experiencing the defense mechanism of denial, because (and those who know me personally will agree) I do not look like an average 50 year old. I do not think or move or have much in common with other people my age (which is one reason I spend time here with people half my age). People who more readily choose to socialize with me are in their 20's, or maybe 30's. Nevertheless, I have long held onto the thought (or, fantasy) that I will live to the Biblical age of 120. My Great Uncle died at 106 not long ago. This thought is a "controlled folly" (a Casteneda term) that intellectually pushes thoughts of death far enough away that it prevents me from being exposed to the corresponding emotions of anxiety and fear, that so age a person. Perhaps this technique actually does engender youthfulness, and that youthfulness may translate into the longevity that is required to become truly unattached to one's mortality (Buddha's right palm facing outward in gesture of fearlessness).

Those of you in your 20's may be experiencing the invulnerability, the bravado and apparent fearlessness about physical death. I did also. Then, in a decade-and-a-half, or two, you will have developed much more attachment to this Earth Plane. You may have a wife, children, much more money to play with. You who are 'disenfranchised youth,' now, may not become 'establishment' later (I'm not), but you WILL become much more attached, and therefore much less reckless, much more careful, much less willing to transcend the limits of your corporality - permanently. It will not be a new sense of fear of dying, it will become the anticipation of an incomprehensible heart-break at the loss of everyone and everything you have ever loved.

As I write this, I'm beginning to get a sense of Dorothy's insight when she returned from OZ ("...there's no place like home.") plus Jimmy Stewart's realization in 'It's a Wonderful Life.' The shock may be lifting and I think I should focus on increasing feelings of gratitude. I'm starting to come out of this stunned state, and I'm beginning to feel good - happy even. My Lady has promised me an evening in high-heeled platform shoes, and I do have some 'vitamin' 'E'...

Thanks for allowing me to vent Shroomerites! This exercise in creative writing to all of you, has been most therapeutic for me. For real.



--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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Invisiblemr crisper
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699124 - 07/09/03 10:48 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

there are few people, i can say 'happy birthday' to, twice in a month.
you are special markos.
but i tell you, if you really wanna find satisfaction, you should be wearing the heels.


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: mr crisper]
    #1699160 - 07/09/03 11:16 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

You want, I should break an ankle? Thanks :smile:


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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Offlinesmoke6969
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699168 - 07/09/03 11:24 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

HEy Thats cool today is my frienss Sean's birthday, my MOM's birthday, and also Tom Hanks and OJ Simpson!


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OfflineLOBO
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Registered: 03/19/01
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699184 - 07/09/03 11:33 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Happy birthday Man!
Feliz Cumpleanios!

I am 36 and also I am not relating to a lot with  the people of my age, I see how life is crystallizing them, how they forgotten what is to feel.
If you have reached the age of 50 not in a state of crystallization.
Pat your self in the back you have done what very few can.

I always enjoy you insights.


:heart: :thumbup: :heart: 


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: smoke6969]
    #1699202 - 07/09/03 11:49 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks for the associations. I know about Tom Hanks - say HBD to the others for me!


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: LOBO]
    #1699209 - 07/09/03 11:54 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Thanks a lot LOBO, you said it nicely, this "crystallizing." It's a nice variation of 'fossilizing,' - organic matter being replaced by inorganic minerals. Thanks again.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineDigs
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699225 - 07/09/03 12:04 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Enjoyed the read :smile:
<--- Invulnerable 21 year old.....although I'm already pretty attached to the Earthen plane :P
Happy Birthday man, have a good one :smile:


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OfflineRhizoid
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699313 - 07/09/03 12:46 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

My, my, my, I'm so happy, I'm gonna join the band,
We are gonna dance and sing in celebration, We are in the promised land.
--Led Zeppelin


I'll be joining you there in the post-half-centennial club in just 7 years, brother :wink:

Break a leg!
   


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InvisibleZero7a1
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699372 - 07/09/03 01:18 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Happy Birthday! i am as well a fellow crab heh. my bday was on the seventh and my friends gf just last night. good luck as you enter a new place in your life. the time around my bday is always interesting. its like i feel the saturation of summer floating through my head...congratulations!


--------------------
What?


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InvisibleWorld Spirit
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699497 - 07/09/03 02:05 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Deleted by admin


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InvisibleCosmicJokeM
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1699774 - 07/09/03 03:29 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

A Joyous Day! And you never fail to blow me away, good sir. Good words! And a magical day it's been, it''s been nearly a year since I've spent time driking wine (as opposed to whiskey) and had heart-felt conversations 'til the birds sang (i'll spare you the things I'd be inclinde to do 'til the wee morning hours) and felt so vital.

My apologies for missing a good opportunity to meet -- I was in denial that I was deleriously sick and pushed myself to have fun (a bizarre notion) at the Pride fest, which I could very well have been lynched by friends for missing, and even attempted calling you too, though not on Friday.

I'll leave the utterly essential big birthday black humor to somebody else better suited, and leave you with my brightest wishings of a happy birthday! Blessings, CJ




--------------------
Everything is better than it was the last time.  I'm good.

If we could look into each others hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

It takes a lot of courage to go out there and radiate your essence.

I know you scared, you should ask us if we scared too.  If you was there, and we just knew you cared too.


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Invisibletomatoes
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1700003 - 07/09/03 04:55 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

may 56 more be the least to hope for  :smile: 


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Offlinelucid
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Registered: 03/29/03
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: tomatoes]
    #1700892 - 07/09/03 11:01 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Dat's a whole lotta breathin...
were ya mindful of each breath ? :grin:
Hey there's 70 more years of mindful
breathin fer u to get to so, beware, be aware :grin:
U da man Markos, your posts are brilliant and
your wisdom, wit and spirit ripple through the words.
U are truely "A Man of Knowledge" (since u're a Castaneda fan).
Interestingly I'm 27 and all my friends are over 50. Strange,
but I can't seem to relate to people my age. I can socialize with
em, but I have to put on my socilalization mask. I can never
be open with these people, they just wouldn't understand.
I never find truely interesting people who are my age.
Interestingly I don't fear death (not quite sure why), I fear
life (jus remembered a funny quote
"Don't fear Death, it's life that can kill ya").
I fear living life in a constant state of fear (yes a catch-22
and a self-fullfilling prophecy), anxiety and depression and not
being able to cherish it like I used to (long story). I don't
really care if I die tomorrow, I fact I'd be more than happy
if I were dead right now, but that's only cause I'm in dispair.
If I had a choice, I'd like to be the happy appreciative person
I used to be, but I still wouldn't care about death. I'd like
to die in a state of being happy and appreciative. To take
a last look at the sky, the trees around me, the rivers, lakes
and hills and revel in gratitude that I was fortunate enough
to have expereinced all this magnificent beauty, and to be
thankful for all that beauty at the moment and my last breath.
Don't wanna die in the dungeons of some psychiatric hospital
having suffocated from the restraints and in a terrified confusion
from having large doses of anti-psychotics infused into me.


--------------------
"no-mind un-thinks no-thought..."


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OfflineAdamist
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1700923 - 07/09/03 11:18 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Flow


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:heartpump: { { { ṧ◎ηḯ¢ αʟ¢ℌ℮мƴ } } } :heartpump:


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: Adamist]
    #1702613 - 07/10/03 02:58 PM (13 years, 5 months ago)

Digs, Rhizoid, Zero7a1, enter, Cosmic Joke, Tomatoes, lucid and Adamist (hope I didn't miss anyone I haven't already acknowledged) - I want to thank all of you for your kindly acknowledgement of my post, 'cause it was a really weird day for me. It was another Rite of Passage - how gracefully I could pass through this gate - and you guys helped. Thanks again.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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InvisibleSclorch
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1705080 - 07/11/03 05:50 AM (13 years, 5 months ago)

If it's any consolation Markos... I was drunk off my ass in New Orleans on your birthday.

aw shit... I was waaaay too drunk last night... Hand Grenades and Witches' Brew... thank God I didn't go to Pat O'Brien's...

I hope I'll be in such high spirits when I have half a century under my belt.


--------------------
Note: In desperate need of a cure...


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Offlinegnrm23
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1713720 - 07/14/03 10:42 AM (13 years, 4 months ago)

well, i was mostly transitory, hanging with a dear friend high in the rocky mountains & readying for 2 nights at red rocks, so i somehow missed this post, but, belatedly, anyways...
happy birthday, frater markos !!!
may you live as long as you wish, and may you love as long as you live...


--------------------
old enough to know better
not old enough to care


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OfflineMarkostheGnostic
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: gnrm23]
    #1714115 - 07/14/03 02:23 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Beautiful! Thanks Man.


--------------------
γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself


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OfflineGhengis Khan
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Re: Today is my Birthday - 50 Years of Breathing [Re: MarkostheGnostic]
    #1715349 - 07/14/03 07:36 PM (13 years, 4 months ago)

Thanx!! You just reminded me my father's turning 50 in a month's time, helps me to look at things from his perspective a bit- always useful when dealing with one's parents...... haven't seen any of my family for two years now, and being so far from home in such a strange culture I truly understand what you mean by "there's no place like home"

All the best to you, and happy birthday


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