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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Complete psychotic break of friend
    #16429628 - 06/24/12 07:50 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I am terrified. More terrified now than I have been of anything in my near 3 decades of life. Let me give some background and then start from the beginning. I am originally from the SW Gulf Coast of Florida and had better access to psilocybin mushrooms than alcohol, so during my adolescence I ate mushrooms at a pretty regular rate while others would binge drink. Considering we were able to fill a garbage bag during the wet times of the year and we'd reduce them all to a tea, I'd surmise that the dry dose would occasionally surpass 12g dry. Trips would last about 12 hours sometimes a bit longer, but even the bad trips I found manageable because I was able to hold on to the obvious truth that I was under the effects of a drug and that this effect would inevitably wear off. Summary: I am not a stranger to psychedelics and have experienced them with many different people from different backgrounds.

Fast forward 15 years. My girlfriend of a year had never had a psychedelic experience and I thought it would be a good and healthy experience for her to have one at least one time. Since we enjoy gardening and watching things grow, I thought it would be fun and safer to grow them ourselves than purchase them from some unknown source. We grew them, dried them, and waited for a day when both of us would be freed of any responsibilities so no stress would interfere with the trip. I STRONGLY emphasized to her that 'mushrooms draw from your sub-conscious, any insecurities you have, any imbalance of emotions, anything negative you feel, any unhappiness you have with life will be multiplied one hundred-fold. Psilocybin mushrooms can be much stronger than other psychedelics. If there is anything stressing you right now, or anything you feel negative about, you should not take the shrooms.' She reflected for  bit and said she felt fine with regard to all those things. So, I started her off with 0.5g to make sure there would be no negative physical effects--even portabellas are poisonous to a few select people. She felt little to nothing from the dose. The next free day that arose for us, I told her what I had told her the time before, I weighed out a 1.7g dose for both of us. It had mild effects for her still and she said she felt a bit more lively, but nothing serious.

A couple weeks later I upped the dose to a full eighth (about 3.4g). 2 hours pass, she goes through the usual motions. And then a switch that should never have been flipped gets flipped. She begins repeating the same 6 or seven statements over and over, re-ordering them. "We're not going to kill ourselves." I reply in the affirmative, "Killing ourselves would really suck for us, and would make everyone close to us very sad. It's not even worth thinking about. Look at the sky, doesn't that cloud look like a horse trotting?" She looks up, and is momentarily distracted. Then she begins again. "Women are intuition." "Men are order." "If we go to sleep now, we can wake up at eight and not take the mushrooms." "M., we need to go to sleep!" "It's all so beautiful!" "M.! Don't let there be a God!" "But there has to be a God." "And if there's a God then that means men are order." "M.! We need to go to sleep!" "Listen to me! Women are intuition, so if men are order then we did not take the mushrooms and we'll wake up at 8 o'clock." Her emotions swing wildly from sorrow to elation and everything in between.  This goes on for 4 hours. I continually try and break her cycle of thought with sensory stimulation and try and draw from elements in the real world. None of it works. I watch my watch and wait anxiously for the six hour mark, by which time the psilocybin should be making its way out of her system. The time passes and she levels out. But this is far from the end.

Edited by SL28 (06/24/12 09:43 AM)

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429652 - 06/24/12 08:10 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Afterwards I talk to her about her experience. She is rational and explains it to me. "It was like I had slipped into the world of death and I was trapped. And this world was like Pacman, if I left one side I would come out the other; it was an endless and unbreakable cycle. And the fact that I was in the world of death meant that there had to be a God, and I did not like the idea that there is God." I kept talking to her about and repeating the simple facts that everything she experienced was induced by the mushrooms, it was purely chemical and did not open her mind to a second dark world, that everything she could feel, hear, touch, smell, and see was real. That she is real. Then she burst out crying "I didn't tell you, but I talked to my mom about grandma today. She's 91 and she's going to die soon, I don't want her to die." Fuck. I tell her "This was and is important information." She said she hadn't thought of it at the time.

The late evening passes and she goes to sleep. A full night's sleep, I assume, since I fell asleep after her and woke up before her. She passes the next day, normal, and says the experience has her thinking about a lot of things. I tell her that a strong background in logic and philosophy helped me get through my most trying trips. She has never had either after receiving a high school degree and 4 years of college. I leave for City Hall after we have our morning coffee and trod through the bureaucratic mud for the paperwork and signatures needed to start our business. I come home, talk to her about the government experience and she smiles. I'm carefully monitoring her reactions to things. I told her we should eat dinner with her parents. I wanted to see how she interacted with her mother. Over dinner, her mom offers different foods, a lot of times the same dish 3 or 4 times in a row. My fiance got irritated with her overbearing mom, so all was good. As long as her mom still got her frustrated everything would be fine.
That night she did not sleep.

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InvisibleLucid Dreaming
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Registered: 04/15/12
Posts: 657
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429670 - 06/24/12 08:20 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

.


--------------------

Any advice, or comments I make are merely opinions, past experiences or completely fabricated fictitious stories. I'm not a doctor, or professional. If you read something I post and use it as motivation or an excuse to commit an illegal act, your doing so at your own risk! Be safe, use common sense.




Edited by Lucid Dreaming (06/24/12 09:37 AM)

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429728 - 06/24/12 08:48 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

The next day she was irritable, as would be expected. Another night passes, no sleep. She keeps me awake, and keeps talking to me about her philosophical musings. I tell her, "You did not sleep last night so it is very, very important you get a full night's sleep tonight, especially considering everything you have been through. Your brain needs to defrag. Try and visualize the pond you love so much. See every detail. See the ducks swimming, the lotuses blooming, the log with the turtles sunbathing." She is not able to visualize it. I should have taken her to the hospital right then and there. Both of us are sleep deprived. Another day and night passes with no sleep. That night was much worse. 1am swings around and a familiar refrain returns. "M., we can't kill ourselves." "M., why did you kill me? You killed my soul when you gave me the mushrooms. Why did you kill me?" "It's alright, woman is intuition, so there is a God." "Man is reason, so you have to play your role." "It's all so beautiful." I speak, "S., we need to go to the ER. You have not slept in nearly 3 days and psychosis is setting in." She will not go, "No, we can't go to the hospital! There is someplace we should be. You have to remember, promise you won't forget me. I'm dead, so promise you'll keep me inside you always." I cannot get her to the hospital, I keep her in bed and try every home remedy to get her to relax. Herbal tea, a bubble bath, music she finds relaxing. She closes her eyes and I think it's all working and she'll finally sleep. With her eyes closed, "If I go to sleep, will I die? You have to remember M., it is very important you remember." I cry. I haven't slept in nearly 2 days and the person I love most in this world is losing her mind and it may be my fault. I tell her, "You will not die and I will keep you safe. Just get to sleep and your mind will be able to get everything in order." She gets a bit worn out by 5am and sleeps maybe 2 hours. She wakes up and seems mildly more lucid, so I decide to run to the store for a sleep aid and some fruits for easy-to-digest calories. I come home 20 minutes later. I see the shutters on the window half ripped-down and I know what is happening. I walk in, S. has a gleeful smile, "Don't be upset, it will all make sense!" I reply, trying my best to not cry, "We need to see a doctor. You have not slept in over 3 days and it is extremely dangerous. I love you, if you won't do this for yourself, do it for me because I care about you." She "has some place more important" she has to be. Attempts to take her result in panic attacks. Out of the corner of my eye I see she has written fragmented, mis-spelled sentences all over the wall in permanent marker. I take 2 deep breathes, close my eyes, and find my center. I must be strong. I must not add stress to S.'s situation. It's 4pm, I call her parents, hoping they can talk into going to the ER. She tells them it's my fault, "M. fed me copious amounts of mushrooms, he killed me." I have to breath deeply again, I cannot cry. Her mom threatens to sue me and my family, I tell her that  S. is more important and we have to focus on her. S. is 24, so I don't see how she would sue me. We calm her down and get her sedated with home remedies. She gets 4 hours of sleep and wakes up the next more mildly lucid. She looks at the wall and doesn't understand why she did it. This is a good sign.

Edited by SL28 (06/24/12 09:27 AM)

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Offlinebishlap
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Registered: 01/04/12
Posts: 4,085
Last seen: 5 years, 3 months
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429743 - 06/24/12 08:52 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I love those type of confusing mental trips,and the feeling that your just now receiving information never considered.

I don't think I have ever tripped and not considered or at least thought about death.

I don't talk about it aloud anymore, because it scares those around me but I'm not suicidal, the fact that death looms intrigues me.

how was she feeling the next day, I usually hace a great afterglow after a mental trip.


--------------------
"If you're not worried that you took way
to much, you didn't take enough" -
Terrence McKenna

There is no soul, only the ego dies.
The body was never yours.

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429812 - 06/24/12 09:09 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

For the rest of the day I try to get her to get more sleep. She can't sleep, her mind will not let her rest. Her mom and I take her to a walk-in clinic hoping for some sleep-aid. The nurse comes in and lays the load on me for feeding her mushrooms. The doctor then comes in and tells me how stupid it was to do mushrooms, her mom glowers at me. This will become the routine for the next 3 days. More doctors, more burdens, more speeches, more re-enforcement of the S.'s assertion "You killed me." But I can't cry, it isn't my right and I refuse to add any more stress to the situation. We get her to go to the ER, we wait an hour and a half in the chaotic waiting room, see a nurse, (I get the talk--let's assume this happens every time I mention an new person), her vitals are taken, we get taken to a room, wait 3 more hours, I tell the nurses that this is stressing S., and if she gets upset it will not be good. 30 more minutes pass, we finally get taken to a room, we see new nurse, vitals are taken, blood and urine samples are taken, we wait another hour. I again remind the nurses that S. is very unhappy and it would be best if they gave her something so she could finally get to sleep. At this point it has been 4 and a half days without real sleep. They ignore me. 30 minutes pass and she gives out a scream surpassing that of a banshee. I'm able to calm her down and tell the nurses that it is very important we get her something to help her calm down and sleep. We still have to wait for the tests. I tell them, if you won't give her something, we will not be able to control her when she gets really pissed. They ignore me. 15 minutes pass, what I said happened, they strapped her down and did not sedate her. I cry. This  inhumane treatment and the lack of anyone listening to her is hurting her psychologically as much as the sleep deprivation. With S.'s second alarm we were ejected from the room and sent to the general waiting area where we waited another 2 hours. S. was transferred to the Behavioral Health wing. I only get 1 visiting hour a day and she has now been there for 2 days. This morning I wanted to take in some fresh raspberries (her favorite) and a newspaper so she could get back in touch with the outside world. I can't. She is getting worse. She pissed herself twice this morning and did not sleep. Knowing no one is watching I finally cry. I do not know if she will recover, but I'll be by her side as long as it takes.

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Offlinesearching
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Registered: 06/08/11
Posts: 4,128
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429829 - 06/24/12 09:14 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I believe the lack of sleep is the cause of this and not the mushrooms. Although you guys do need to go to the hospital. You are doing a good job keeping yourself together. Stay strong for the both of you.

I really hope this isn't schizophrenia setting in. If it is then yeah the mushrooms brought it out, but may have surfaced eventually anyway.  Get her some sleep anyway you can. Give her the sleep aid if you have to but don't let her take any other drugs, especially weed or psychs obviously.


--------------------

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429840 - 06/24/12 09:16 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I should mention that no one had any interest in what I had to say after I said we did mushrooms. It does not seem like pertinent information to the professionals that S. went without sleep for over 4 days. No one in the behavioral unit ever asked me a thing, though it is vitally important that her psychotic break is a result of her believing in a second reality--one of endless death. I should also mention that the attending doctor insisted I gave her K2. I had never even heard of that. S. and I don't drink more than 1 alcoholic drink a day, VERY rarely smoke pot, and do not use any other substance. We do not have a need for any prescription drugs. We exercise regularly.

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Offlinebishlap
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16429848 - 06/24/12 09:19 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

damn, shoulda got some tylenol pm and avoided the hospital, only worse place to be would be jail.
a lot of people that go to the hospital for bad hallucinogen trip end up in the mental ward on worse man made drugs.

I can't believe they wont sedate her, being awake for 3 days will fuck with your head and emotions far more than mushrooms.


--------------------
"If you're not worried that you took way
to much, you didn't take enough" -
Terrence McKenna

There is no soul, only the ego dies.
The body was never yours.

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Offlinegornyhuy
A Myth Intrepidly Met
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Registered: 08/04/09
Posts: 2,933
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: bishlap]
    #16429886 - 06/24/12 09:30 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Yeeeesh! hindsight is 20/20 but slipping her a sedative or a benzo and getting 8 to 24 hours of sleep in her would POSSIBLY have helped a lot.

Hopefully the "professionals" will do something that will get her sleeping and she'll start to recover. 

Having babysat more than one 'bad trip' and having had some very psychotic episodes myself on psychs, I'm no longer willing to dose anyone else and I'm hesitant to even trip with anyone else unless they are really experienced.  Its just too much responsibility.

We'll keep her in our thoughts and prayers and send good vibes and all that good stuff.  Hang in there man, this too shall pass.


--------------------
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InvisibleLucid Dreaming
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Registered: 04/15/12
Posts: 657
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: gornyhuy]
    #16429919 - 06/24/12 09:37 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Deleting my story, I though I was sharing a similiar experience but really i'm getting in the way of a important read, sorry. I really do believe that 2 nights of rest and she will be a new person. Please keep us updated.


--------------------

Any advice, or comments I make are merely opinions, past experiences or completely fabricated fictitious stories. I'm not a doctor, or professional. If you read something I post and use it as motivation or an excuse to commit an illegal act, your doing so at your own risk! Be safe, use common sense.




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Offlinegornyhuy
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: gornyhuy] * 1
    #16429928 - 06/24/12 09:37 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

One more thought... just in case no one has said this to you yet, or if you haven't said it to yourself:

This is not your fault.  It sounds like you did everything carefully and correctly.  Reactions to psychedelics are sometimes totally unpredictable, you just never really know what you are going to get. 

My brother-in-law and I tripped together dozens of times with no issues, and then one time on a very low dose he had a total freak out and I had to keep him calm and keep talking him down for 5 hours straight.  He hasn't touched them since.


--------------------
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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: gornyhuy]
    #16429989 - 06/24/12 09:52 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I know it's not my fault, but I know I am far from blameless. Part of her rant when I am around is that I killed her. That is really hard to hear and internalize. I have to remind her that I will always be there for her and I will never miss a visit. I have to be stronger than her parents or her doctors and bear everyone's burden--it feels better for everyone to be able to pinpoint a single source for the tragedy and I may as well be that point.

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InvisibleLucid Dreaming
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Registered: 04/15/12
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16430009 - 06/24/12 09:55 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

When you guys at the shrooms all three times, was she hesitant, and you kinda pushed her towards it? After the first trip was she excited to do them again, after the second trip was she excited about the 3rd? I'm just curious as to why she would put the blame on you.


--------------------

Any advice, or comments I make are merely opinions, past experiences or completely fabricated fictitious stories. I'm not a doctor, or professional. If you read something I post and use it as motivation or an excuse to commit an illegal act, your doing so at your own risk! Be safe, use common sense.




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Invisiblejoemolloy
DMT is Bullshit


Registered: 04/12/09
Posts: 6,525
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: gornyhuy]
    #16430030 - 06/24/12 10:00 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I had a psychosis for nearly two weeks when I was younger from LSD.  Hospitals and doctors were utterly clueless.  Some of them thought I was faking it.  Thankfully my parents never admitted me to any hospital but kept me at home and kept me calm by talking and being compassionate and patient.  Eventually my mind came back.  Hopefully despite the traumatic bullshit she's experiencing in that hospital, she'll gradually get her sanity back.


--------------------
Don't PM me with bullshit.  I don't sell or trade cactus and I don't know where you can get any, other than your mother's ass.

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: joemolloy]
    #16430100 - 06/24/12 10:16 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

It was something she was interested in trying, she helped me grow them. I wouldn't say she was excited--more hesitant, respectful, and curious. Mushrooms can dig-up things about yourself you did not know, and I think the correct way to feel about them is hesitant and respectful.

And I am very worried about the hospital. Psychologically, I think love is very important for that kind of healing and only being able to give her that attention 1 hour a day when she used to get it at least 14 hours a day is a kind of starvation. The only reason I wanted to take her was to get some prescription-strength sleep aids. Now there are doctors in her head--the head doctor talked to her parents and I overheard her saying "The main thing we want S. to get out of this is that drugs are bad." This worried me, not because I disagree with the statement, but because it completely ignores any underlying problems she has. Drugs and drugs alone caused the problem in their eyes, and I gave them to her.

Edited by SL28 (06/24/12 10:17 AM)

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InvisibleNimpo
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Registered: 05/10/12
Posts: 2,375
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: joemolloy]
    #16430110 - 06/24/12 10:17 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

You ruined someones mind, OP.

All in the name of trying out a drug

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Offlinejoshisstoned
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: joemolloy]
    #16430113 - 06/24/12 10:18 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

At a boy joe!

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InvisibleSL28
Psilonaut

Registered: 05/12/12
Posts: 35
Loc: St. Louis, MO
Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: Nimpo]
    #16430236 - 06/24/12 10:51 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

I know and acknowledge this Nimpo. The main reason I posted was to hopefully hear stories from people that have gone through similar situations and how they turned out. If the break wasn't caused by the mushrooms, the situation could be very dire.

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OfflinePeaceLove
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Re: Complete psychotic break of friend [Re: SL28]
    #16430458 - 06/24/12 11:46 AM (11 years, 9 months ago)

Imagine how much greater this would turn out if doctors and nurses and society were properly informed about mushrooms and psychadelics. Or sleep deprevation for this matter. Or if they truely knew anything about people, they would listen to you, the one who's been caring for her and knows what's been going on. Strapped down to a bed in the hospitol is the last place I would want to be during a psychotic break. Friends, family, nature, and some sleep aid sounds to be the best cure. I wish you luck man!

As for Nimpo... do you usually kick a person when they are down and asking for help? Obviously the op is thinking of these things already and doesn't need some asshole from the internet putting him down. He's reaching out for help and support, not to be cool. And its not like he was like "hey, lets get fucked up, eat all these, you will be fine". And the woman is 24! Pretty sure she's fully capable of saying "no, I don't want to". If anything she should have been more smart an not taken them after each time the op tells her of the dangers of taking them with negative thoughts in her brain. And maybe the op should have given her 2.5 grams before doubling the 1.7 gram dose. But still,he had no way of knowing this was gonna happen and blaming him and making him feel worse than he does is strait inhumane and counterproductive. Dont you think watching the one you love slip out of sanity is enough? Plus, he's gotten enough lectures already.


--------------------
DFTBA Dont forget to be awesome

:mindblown:

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