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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe



Registered: 09/02/04
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Sick from addiction to time-delusions.
#16072810 - 04/10/12 09:48 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Jesus Christ.
I've ignited the engine of desire to work towards achieving a 'worldly' end. Something that is non-essential, but which barely tickles my thirst.
I've been absorbed in mental time-projections of what I want to accomplish, and spending time and energy methodically planning and execution of said plans. I can really feel my heart energy getting very involved.
And what's the result? I'm been very reactive and aggressive lately. If I take the dog for a walk and he pisses me off, I literally feel like hurting him so that he shrieks in pain and fears me. I feel selfish and like nothing matters except fulfilling my projections, for they are near enough to attain, but far enough to get me riled the fuck up and depressed.
I've checked myself and realized that it's as if I'm possessed by a demon when I'm at the peak of my selfish desire. It feels as if there's a monster inside me. I can barely crack a fake smile. I become an ugly person - inside and out. The usual pain of identity gets charged with electricity and it wants to surge outwards at times. 
Wanting to fulfill childish desires so far is destructive and is futile to me. It literally hurts me at the core. My heart feels singed. I think maybe it's just me that's fucked up.
And at the same time - it's literally only abiding as the no-self to the best of my ability - without touching any wanting 'I' - which absolves me. Nothing will satisfy me but this sweet silent absolution. And yet I keep flirting with desire.
Sometimes I feel like dying because of this fire that is hurting me and some of those around me, and then I remember that the true death is of desires. It's the only sound thing to do.
Gurdjieff said that man's greatest attachment is to his suffering. This feels true right now.
What do you think? How well have you guys succeeded in transcending this foe of the pursuit of non-essentials. Maybe it's just me that burns..?
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
Edited by Ginseng1 (04/10/12 09:51 PM)
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King Klick
That Guy Everyone Knows



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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16072880 - 04/10/12 10:01 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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I've never felt like I've been to far entrapped in following my goals. Never in my whole life have i even set a goal. I just take up any opportunity that chances upon me.
-------------------- Your god is dead, and I killed him. When you’re lost, here I am. Forever with your soul
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe



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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: King Klick]
#16072906 - 04/10/12 10:05 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Perhaps the more specific the projection, the sharper is the needle that pricks. Fuck I don't know.
Well, if you've never set a goal, I'd say stay away, stay far, far away.
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
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Kickle
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16072934 - 04/10/12 10:10 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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I don't think it's goals in general. For instance, if I set the goal to take a nice deep breath in the next 10 seconds, I doubt I'll suffer. But perhaps some goals lead straight to suffering. I think having goals can be real good.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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White Beard

Registered: 08/13/11
Posts: 6,325
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Kickle]
#16072952 - 04/10/12 10:13 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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I don't think it's possible to have no goals until the causes for having goals runs dry. Don't know what happens after that. Buddhahood, death, both?
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Kickle
Wanderer


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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: White Beard]
#16072979 - 04/10/12 10:20 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Retirement
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe



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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: White Beard]
#16072991 - 04/10/12 10:23 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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I don't really think it's the 'goals'. Goals can be neutral, harmless and productive.
It could be the craving of fulfilling time-bound ego projections. For the ego is always out there in time, becoming, unbecoming. Craving something in time and form as if it's the ego's lifeline - I find it's been quite the destructive force.
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
Edited by Ginseng1 (04/10/12 10:24 PM)
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White Beard

Registered: 08/13/11
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16073005 - 04/10/12 10:26 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Kickle said: Retirement 

Quote:
Ginseng1 said: I don't really think it's the 'goals'. Goals can be neutral, harmless and productive.
It could be the craving of fulfilling time-bound ego projections. For the ego is always out there in time, becoming, unbecoming. Craving something in time and form as if it's the ego's lifeline - I find it's been quite the destructive force.
Yeah, true that. And the goals of the ego always seem close to completion, but never fully done. The ego is constantly working to maintain it's identity, and that's what the goals are all about I suppose.
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Ginseng1
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: White Beard]
#16073022 - 04/10/12 10:33 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Indeed.
How about...
If it's for health and practicality - it's favourable. If it's something that will stimulate strong identification and grasping - there's a risk of misery.
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
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White Beard

Registered: 08/13/11
Posts: 6,325
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16073032 - 04/10/12 10:35 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Yeah, that sounds about right.
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Kupo
Kupop!

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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16073560 - 04/11/12 12:44 AM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Nothing wrong with a little healthy selfishness imo.
After all, you are trying to survive, no?
Now which road do I take from here.. the left, the right, hmm where does this one right in between lead?
Fuck if I know.
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Chronic7
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 13,679
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16073955 - 04/11/12 03:39 AM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ginseng1 said:I've checked myself and realized that it's as if I'm possessed by a demon when I'm at the peak of my selfish desire. It feels as if there's a monster inside me. I can barely crack a fake smile. I become an ugly person - inside and out. The usual pain of identity gets charged with electricity and it wants to surge outwards at times Wanting to fulfill childish desires so far is destructive and is futile to me. It literally hurts me at the core. My heart feels singed. I think maybe it's just me that's fucked up.
Your not alone, everyone has this energy in them, consider yourself fortunate its showing itself so you can exorcise it, rather than it remain latent, seeming like it isn't there, but really growing in strength. Lifetimes of pent up aggression.
Quote:
And at the same time - it's literally only abiding as the no-self to the best of my ability - without touching any wanting 'I' - which absolves me. Nothing will satisfy me but this sweet silent absolution. And yet I keep flirting with desire. Sometimes I feel like dying because of this fire that is hurting me and some of those around me, and then I remember that the true death is of desires. It's the only sound thing to do.
Then you know what needs to be done, stay in that silent absolution, remain beyond 'I', don't touch 'I', or anything associated with it, stay true.
Your seeing the ugliness of the egoic existence & growing sick of it, growing out of it, how beautiful
At times when maturing out of this shell it can seem impossible that full freedom from it exists, as its so close to what we feel we are it can feel impossible to shake off, but remember this is the infinite being shaking off this false identity, growing out of it, shedding the skin. That power knows the way. Trust it.
Step into the fire willingly, like Mooji says 'it can only burn what you are not'
.
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Edited by Chronic7 (04/11/12 03:49 AM)
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Chronic7
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 13,679
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Chronic7]
#16073979 - 04/11/12 03:52 AM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
The seeker is he who is in search of himself. Give up all questions except one: ‘Who am I?’ After all, the only fact you are sure of is that you are. The ‘I am’ is certain. The ‘I am this’ is not.
Struggle to find out what you are in reality. To know what you are, you must first investigate and know what you are not.
Discover all that you are not - body, feelings, thoughts, time, space, this or that - Nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you.
The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive.
The clearer you understand on the level of mind you can be described in negative terms only, the quicker will you come to the end of your search and realise that you are the limitless being.
- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Quote:
it's literally only abiding as the no-self to the best of my ability - without touching any wanting 'I' - which absolves me. Nothing will satisfy me but this sweet silent absolution.
You are strongly coming to see anything phenomenal you take yourself to be can only be described in negative terms, so only that which exists before the 'I' is pure, true, real and beautiful.
This is your own experience, sit with the implications of it
Stay Here!
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Ginseng1
Elegant Universe



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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Chronic7]
#16074789 - 04/11/12 10:37 AM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thanks for that, Chronic.
It seems like the better I know myself, the more it hurts to identify with transiency. And you're right, this is just what it feels like to purge this demon.
Quote:
At times when maturing out of this shell it can seem impossible that full freedom from it exists, as its so close to what we feel we are it can feel impossible to shake off, but remember this is the infinite being shaking off this false identity, growing out of it, shedding the skin. That power knows the way. Trust it.
-------------------- Flowing through beginningless time since time without beginning...
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Chronic7
Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 13,679
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16075391 - 04/11/12 01:03 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Ginseng1 said: It seems like the better I know myself, the more it hurts to identify with transiency.
It can be like that i've found, but what grace...
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crkhd
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Chronic7]
#16075600 - 04/11/12 01:46 PM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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Do you smoke tobacco? If so, lay off that shit. It massively amplifies attachment, pressure, stress and so on.
While there are all these spiritual answers to such a dilemma, methinks that if you had your body in peak condition then the reactiveness and aggressiveness would dissipate by itself.
It's like having an existential crisis and feeling like you're burning in a thousand hells but then you realise you just had to take a shit all along and it's all good.
-------------------- "Everything there is, and all that there is, is a Pattern of unspeakable proportion. The Pattern contains everything that is, completely fixed in succession, all the minimal particles interconnected in every way that is. Every way that is is not every conceivable way, because not everything that can be conceived is manifest in the pattern." "THE Human, you, is a miniscule but essential part of that pattern. In it lies complete fulfillment. It will never become something it is not, but it will never need to be anything else." - Wiccan_Seeker "If boring drudgery was the way of the universe, everything would have killed itself long ago." - Spacerific
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g00ru
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Re: Sick from addiction to time-delusions. [Re: Ginseng1]
#16078415 - 04/12/12 12:12 AM (11 years, 9 months ago) |
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it's weird though because for me, abiding as the "I" has helped me achieve worldly goals, I feel like my ego has literally expanded at times because of self inquiry. And of course there have been times where there is no "me" to even think about.
Ginseng, at this point you know whether you want your life to contain adventures or not. To me its a balancing act, learning how to make each adventure become more and more defined, with the Self as a constant backdrop. I don't worry about delusion though...in a way, being 100% immersed in delusion infers that you are 100% aware of delusion.
Like how you can have a lucid dream, or just a really beautiful vivid dream that you are fully immersed in.
-------------------- check out my music! drowse in prison and your waking will be but loss
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