This starts with one crucial point: I was over anxious, and used an inferior scale. Lately, my friend has been letting me prep. my doses with his scale, an accuracy of +/-.01g. But I was over anxious, didn't want to bother him, and used a cheap digital food scale that only deals in whole 1g increments. My recent comfort with tripping made me... over confident.
Three ~1g aliquot of lemon teked mushroom powder were prepped. I have so much powder, that I prep. an additional gram just in case I don't reach the level I want initially (my final "just in case" turbo boost). The doses were taken at 9:51, 10:17 and 10:55. At about 10:53, I felt some background effects, and essentially said, "Fuck it," taking the final dose -> That attitude lead to...
...one of the most intense trips I've ever had. The most I've ever lemon teked before was 2.00g, and this was fffaaaarrrr beyond that level of intensity. Intense visual distortions, difficulty maintaining balance, full on closed/open eye hallucinations, blindingly fast racing thoughts and extremely intense up/down/side-to-side emotional shifts.
As it started to come on, I closed my computer, got under my blankets and closed my eyes in the darkness of the apartment. Without explaining the hallucination in extreme detail, I felt like I was wrapped up in a cocoon, and my only connection to the world was my mouth/breath peaking out from the blankets. At moments, I tried to focus on my breath, to try and regain a grip on reality. But it was extremely difficult, and at times I couldn't tell if I was actually breathing or not. I was beginning to lose it in a serious way, my thoughts sped up.
When I felt the first wave of racing thoughts subside, I knew I needed to get to my yoga mat (a source of comfort), try and find breath, try and find my tangible connection to reality. Without freaking out about it, I knew that this was much more then I had intended for. So in those short seconds of clarity I made the move to open my eyes, take a piss, drink some water, and get to that mat.
The dark world of my studio apartment was completely distorted, my eyes were having a very hard time focusing and by the time I made it to my mat, my mind was ramping up again. Time gained an expanse that grew and grew, I squatted down, placed my hands on the mat and rocked back and forth, trying to keep my shit together. Then, like a flipped switch, whatever connection and control I had was lost.
I'll spare most of the details, but for the next however-long, in various postures, I tripped that I was ripping through all the organic covering of my body, that I reached some core of my being represented through the symmetry of my body. That at my core there was a switch flickering between 1/0, yes/no, on/off; I spent much of the time watching the switch alternate in my mind's eye.
Externally, I was dragging my forehead on the mat, rocking it from side to side, and silently crying. My face was getting wet from rubbing it along the mat, spreading the tears around. Half second breaks in this ride let me come to the consciousness that I just have to ride this out. I wasn't mentally strong enough to try and master this experience, I just had to bow down and hold on.
After that peak subsided, I got back to my bed and was able to slop together enough of my mind to compose myself and think about what just happened, what was happening. It suffices to say that (as I kept repeating in my mind and scribbling down on paper), I had "Serious On/Off Questions." Why the hell is all this life around me happening, how can we not be consumed by this question every second of every day, why it was so important for me to live?: why is it such a taboo to "opt out?"
The following is the closest, verbatum, full thought that I can remember, and pieced together. Everything else I've written is a perception of what I remember from my now non-tripping state, but this is a digital copy of the words I said in my mind:
"I have to talk to somebody about this, someone I can trust. Someone I can open this question up to without the fear they'll think I'm suicidal.
I have to ask the question to someone else, knowing fully well that any answer they will give, any speculation that we can make is going to fall so very short. So all I can do is writhe in my frustration, ride this wave of life like everyone and everything, waiting... watching... wondering."
I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to opt out of this life, but I still have some Serious On/Off Questions.
(There's more I could say, but this was the core of my experience. I have little idea as to how much I actually took, as an extra .0-.75 in each aliquot could have placed me anywhere from 3-5.25g. I was still lightly tripping/hallucinating until 4:00am, when I finally passed out from exhaustion)
--------------------
 With the exception of grammatical corrections, everything I say is completely false and without foundation.
Edited by Treefeeler (03/18/12 07:14 PM)
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