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OfflineDoomBlaze
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Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 336
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Where is My Frustrating Life Leading?
    #15942931 - 03/13/12 04:54 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I'm 25 years old. I graduated high school in 2004 and went to Temple University that following August, majoring in Journalism. It was a very dark time in my life, I had just been hurt in love for the first time and I didn't handle it very well.
It was the first time in my life I ever drank, smoked or anything else like that and I lost control of myself. I think I maybe went to... 3 classes that entire  year? Most of the rest of the time I would just hang out in the dorm, spend time with "friends" or find someway of getting high. I don't know if it was because I was depressed, being in a city and on my own for the first time in my life or what... but it was the first time I had ever had an "existential crisis" and I feel like I've been suffering the repercussions of it ever since.

In high school I was an honor student, rarely got anything below a B... but ever since my year at Temple and coming home with my tail between my legs, that sense of direction and purpose that I had up until going to college has been missing from my life. Granted I have a very good job with benefits and overtime if I want it, but I still feel as if I'm a failure. I've been back to school many times since then and while I always did very well on tests/homework/reports and the like... I just lost interest eventually and stopped going. I've been a journalism major, an education major, a chemistry major, was enrolled in a LPN program... all of which I did well in, until I just quit.

I've struggled with why I can't seem to finish anything or stick to anything. Lately, I've seriously considered going back to school for Chemistry, especially since the only thing that I've ever really kept an interest in is... well... drugs. I remember the first time I tripped and how everything made sense and for a good month afterwards I felt truly self-motivated to get my life together... but somewhere along the time-line I always seem to slip back into this self-destructive, unmotivated state that I'm completely aware of but seemingly incapable of getting passed (past?).

At this point in my life, being 25, I just have this feeling like time is running out on my to get my life started. I have dreams and goals... but never enough motivation to get anything started and/or finished....

I don't know what the purpose of my writing this here is...but hopefully maybe I'll run into someone on here that knows what I've felt, been through such experiences and has overcome them and, hopefully, share how they were able to "get over" themselves.

I really want to trip again soon to get some insight again... *sigh*

I may sound a bit petulant, but really I just have a hard time focusing. I think way too much sometimes, I think....

My current and past hang-ups include (warning may be TMI for some):
Tomorrow it will be a year to the day when my mother died...
Sometimes I wonder if I would have turned out gay if I hadn't been molested growing up...
I have this anxiety where I think I'll end up alone, never experience love again...
I have had a trait of never completing anything since I was a kid. Even when I played video games I would often delete the files to start over with a "fresh and better" start. I still do this with WoW, I have yet to ever max out a toon to 85.
I really want to go to school for chemistry, but I'm afraid that this "cycle" will just repeat itself and I'm tired of wasting so much money of pipe dreams...
Whenever I have friends, I will do anything for them and I'm (to my discredit) always buying them things and making sure they are taking care of, even if I can't afford it... and then I always end up getting hurt. I just lost someone in my life who I thought was my best friend, but he ended up turning his back on me after I got pinched with a roach. He was straight and I guess I used him as a "surrogate" boyfriend. It was a platonic friendship, I assure you, but I really like having a male in my life who, at least feigned interest in m
y well being.

Any my other friend, Mer, who I consider my sister... even though she is the only one that has stuck by me and not used me and been through some bad shit with me (it's because of her I eventually stopped using heroin), it's like she's moving onto this next phase in her life and I'm still stuck where I was almost 8 years ago. She's almost done her masters degree and I don't even have an associates... She's in a loving relationship and has new friends... I just feel like we're slipping away from each other.

Again, I don't know what I expect from this... I just feel like everything is falling apart... or has been for a long time now. I don't know what will happen in the next few years, but I know that it CAN NOT continue on the way it has been. I guess I could go on and on and on about how miserable it is to be me... but I guess you get the idea.

I guess... at the root of it... I just want someone to talk to, lol...


--------------------
"We are the Universe experiencing itself." -Unknown


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OfflineDoomBlaze
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Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 336
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: DoomBlaze]
    #15942946 - 03/13/12 04:58 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Oh and as a caveat, I'm not suicidal.


--------------------
"We are the Universe experiencing itself." -Unknown


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OfflineUzziel
O_o


Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 11,689
Last seen: 4 years, 1 month
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: DoomBlaze]
    #15943528 - 03/13/12 07:29 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I know whatcha mean man. Fuck... hah.

I do very well in school. I can easily make A's when I apply myself.

The problem is that my will for life is fading, my motivation isn't there like it used to be, the lack of money is just downright frustrating, and all in all, I just don't feel like doing all of this is gonna be worth it.

I don't even know what the fuck I honestly want to do with my life.

Half of me wants to seriously apply myself, become a senator when I'm old enough and try to make a serious change in the world.

The other half of me doesn't give two shits about, well, much of anything really. I don't know what the hell I want out of life.


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OfflineDoomBlaze
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Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 336
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Uzziel]
    #15943743 - 03/13/12 08:18 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Uzziel said:
I know whatcha mean man. Fuck... hah.

I do very well in school. I can easily make A's when I apply myself.

The problem is that my will for life is fading, my motivation isn't there like it used to be, the lack of money is just downright frustrating, and all in all, I just don't feel like doing all of this is gonna be worth it.

I don't even know what the fuck I honestly want to do with my life.

Half of me wants to seriously apply myself, become a senator when I'm old enough and try to make a serious change in the world.

The other half of me doesn't give two shits about, well, much of anything really. I don't know what the hell I want out of life.




Yeah. It's tough... right now I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that in order to get what I want... or no, not even what I want... just to be able to be in a place where I have the means to DO what I want as far as the direction my life is going in, I'm going to have to really just suck it up and get it done... if I find myself losing interest I really have to just light a fire under my ass. I've even considered registering for classes and letting my dad/friends/etc. know what my exact schedule is so if I slip and and just hit the snooze button I will have at least one person being pissed at me enough to make me go... it's a childish way of doing it, but I just need to get my shit done. As far as things not being worth it... well I know how that can be...

It's almost like there are two mindsets: Hunter and Farmer.
Short term goal orientated people, or hunters, kill their pray and benefit from it immediately, farmers on the other hand understand the long term benefits of doing something that just doesn't have much of a profit in the beginning. I feel like I was born a hunter, but have to learn how to be a farmer... sorry if that analogy doesn't make sense lol.

My biggest issue, however, is that I know these things, I can reason with myself all day about what I should be doing... but what is it in my makeup that just lets me hit that snooze button all the time... Self-control and discipline... These are things I have to work on in the up coming year.

I really just need to pick something FOLLOW THROUGH AND FINISH and THEN if I don't like where I'm at THEN make changes instead of just aborting my progress halfway through. I've donated so much money to different schools and not gotten a damn thing out of it... it's time to make them work for their money.


--------------------
"We are the Universe experiencing itself." -Unknown


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OfflineAmphiphilosophical

Registered: 05/16/11
Posts: 433
Last seen: 3 years, 3 days
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: DoomBlaze]
    #15944262 - 03/13/12 10:31 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I feel I've gone through a similar situation as you.

In high school I was highly athletic and very bright. I made straight A's and performed excellent but then my junior year my brother passed away of lung cancer suddenly and at the time I didn't know exactly how to react. I was sad yeah because I felt I was "suppose" to be sad but the true impact of the passing and loss hadn't gotten to me yet.

Then my senior year I met a girl that filled that loss up before it could be noticed. She was so interesting to me and I had so much affection for her. We eventually began dating at the end of high school but the relationship didn't work out the way I had planned it to and she broke up with me. It impacted me hard as I thought I was truly in love with this girl. Thus, I spent the whole next year of college unmotivated and struggled with depression that I thought was built upon that relationship but it was actually more built around the loss of my brother.

At the end of my freshmen year of college I felt at a lost. I had changed my major to "open" and really had no idea of where I was headed. I spent most of that summer smoking pot and tripping. In one trip I saw the struggle I was going through and understood it to be based around the loss of my brother. I know what you're saying about that month after the trip where you feel like you have this huge amount of insight but of course that was only temporary and my life went straight back to the same ole' same ole'.

However, I finally turned my life around this year and actually most recently. I had another love loss with a girl that I had met whom I really loved and felt marriage was in store for us. After losing this one I thought it was all over for me and honestly was ready to throw in the towel on college, but I felt that was only lowering my standards under my true potential. I spent a long night staying up and tossing it over in my head and I realized that I really didn't give a care what others thought of me or what I even thought I'd think about what I was doing in the future but if I start now and focus my energy in the present moment on what I can become then doors will open.

You just have to not get lost in the past and not plan too much for the future. Stay within the present moment and strive towards what interests you the most. If you love chemistry and want to make a life out of it then go for it. It sounds to me like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders (sorry for the cliche hehe) and I think it's people like you who are able to make the most profound discoveries in the field you're interested in because you have the ability to see that life isn't based upon great happenings but things just happen out of random.

So...

Never think it's too late to start
Never give up hope on Love but don't plan for it because the best is unplanned

and

Never think you're unable to continue the journey because of some set backs along the way. You just have to continue to persist through it all. Those are usually the most successful people anyways. The ones who never give up no matter how many times they are pushed back by the way of the world.


Edited by Amphiphilosophical (03/13/12 10:35 PM)


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InvisibleLe_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1 Flag
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Amphiphilosophical]
    #15944266 - 03/13/12 10:34 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Amphiphilosophical said:
You just have to continue to persist through it all. Those are usually the most successful people anyways. The ones who never give up no matter how many times they are pushed back by the way of the world.




Very sage advice. You're only a failure if you don't get back up after being knocked down.


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OfflineAmphiphilosophical

Registered: 05/16/11
Posts: 433
Last seen: 3 years, 3 days
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Le_Canard]
    #15944304 - 03/13/12 10:43 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ToiletDuk said:
Quote:

Amphiphilosophical said:
You just have to continue to persist through it all. Those are usually the most successful people anyways. The ones who never give up no matter how many times they are pushed back by the way of the world.




Very sage advice. You're only a failure if you don't get back up after being knocked down.




Exactly, I learned that through running: there are plenty of times I've wanted to quit, hell, there have been plenty of times I've thought quitting was much more desirable than continuing on through all the pain but if you don't quit and continue to move forward you unlock the doors to your true potential. Yeah, quitting is easy but just biting the bullet and moving forward will get you to where you need to be.


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OfflineDoomBlaze
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Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 336
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Amphiphilosophical]
    #15945207 - 03/14/12 06:29 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Thanks guys for all the responses. I really appreciate the feedback... it felt really good just to get all that stuff of my chest.
I actually am thinking about starting an exercise program. I've read that this increases the levels of dopamine in your brain which is probably exactly what I need for my ADD like symptoms.


--------------------
"We are the Universe experiencing itself." -Unknown


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OfflineAdolin
I'm a teapot User Gallery


Folding@home Statistics
Registered: 06/28/11
Posts: 8,292
Loc: USA Flag
Last seen: 1 year, 2 months
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: DoomBlaze]
    #15945257 - 03/14/12 07:11 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

DoomBlaze said:
Oh and as a caveat, I'm not suicidal.




The psychoanalytical side of me wants to say you mean the opposite of this by singleing out the subject after the OP :cool:

I'm in a similar place though OP, last May I started smoking weed and my life has just got worse and worse since. I started smoking weed every day almost immediately and have done pretty much every type of drug since then. even though i started out saying only weed and, then psychs too... then alcohol... then benzos and opiates lol... though none on a regular basis but weed still. Now i want to get back on ADD medication which are stimulants but i actually need them.

But yeah since may ive dropped out of college and quit a job at a good local tech support company, now i work at subway and spend all my money on drugs pretty much


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OfflineAmphiphilosophical

Registered: 05/16/11
Posts: 433
Last seen: 3 years, 3 days
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Adolin]
    #15945334 - 03/14/12 07:59 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

I think getting back on track is the hardest part. Just like with exercise it's hard to start but once you're doing it just gets easier and easier.

Apply that same concept to anything in your life that you're having a hard time focusing on. Just get started on it. I think exercise will spark your motivation. I know it does for me.

To continue to stay focused during the task just keep setting short term goals you know you can achieve.


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OfflineDoomBlaze
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Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 336
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Last seen: 10 years, 4 months
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: Adolin]
    #15945356 - 03/14/12 08:08 AM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Gresh said:
Quote:

DoomBlaze said:
Oh and as a caveat, I'm not suicidal.




The psychoanalytical side of me wants to say you mean the opposite of this by singleing out the subject after the OP :cool:

I'm in a similar place though OP, last May I started smoking weed and my life has just got worse and worse since. I started smoking weed every day almost immediately and have done pretty much every type of drug since then. even though i started out saying only weed and, then psychs too... then alcohol... then benzos and opiates lol... though none on a regular basis but weed still. Now i want to get back on ADD medication which are stimulants but i actually need them.

But yeah since may ive dropped out of college and quit a job at a good local tech support company, now i work at subway and spend all my money on drugs pretty much




Well the reason why I stated that is because I had noticed some posts in this forum specifically relating to suicide. I just didn't want anyone to think I was in any sort of danger of self-harm.


--------------------
"We are the Universe experiencing itself." -Unknown


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Invisible404
error
 User Gallery


Registered: 08/20/10
Posts: 14,539
Re: Where is My Frustrating Life Leading? [Re: DoomBlaze]
    #15946531 - 03/14/12 02:23 PM (11 years, 10 months ago)

Do not dwell on the past, it is the present that is most important, and the future that you have to look forward to. I'm in a similar situation with school, just do what you enjoy and concentrate on that. sometimes it takes a bit of critical thinking to figure it out, and it may be one of the hardest tasks in life. but when you focus on the positive aspects of what you want and like and are interested in, it makes things a lot smoother. I find i function optimally when I'm happy.


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