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sonamdrukpa
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Registered: 10/18/11
Posts: 2,777
Last seen: 3 months, 2 days
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Cursing
#15681440 - 01/17/12 11:46 PM (12 years, 1 month ago) |
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The gf and I got into a fight today, I ended up telling her, "Fuck you!" at which point she stormed off, slammed doors, etc. She's told me before that she finds cursing at her completely unacceptable, as it reminds her of her abusive father. This is the third time in 6 months I've told her either "Fuck you" or "Fuck off". We made up today after about a half hour, as we did the other times.
I've had anger issues my whole life, used to destroy all kinds of shit when I got pissed. I've managed to clamp it down a lot though, I just curse up a storm these days, which is of course what happened this time. Usually when we fight I'm just mad in general, but today I was mad at her and by the time I thought to not say anything the words were already out. I don't know if I can control my actions to that extent, or at the least it'll take a while to learn that sort of self-control. I've never hit her, and I don't think I would even at my angriest.
What do you guys think? Any thoughts? I feel shitty but feel like some level of expression should be allowed when we get into fights; I just want someone else's opinion on what that is.
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Anonymous #1
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You told her how you felt at the time. Maybe the problem is that you feel like that in the first place. Not that the words you used were wrong.
For instance, I tell girls what I "really" think all the time when I am drunk. Sometimes I regret it, but it is always the truth.
Maybe you have, like, anger sincerity.
Or maybe she just needed to be told to fuck off. IDK.
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Kaevar
Don't anger the electrons



Registered: 06/29/09
Posts: 131
Loc: North Carolina
Last seen: 7 years, 2 months
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i am the same way with a lover, i tell the truth no matter what. honesty is a virtue i hold in high regard. i have also said some things that were pretty harsh but it was how i felt at the time . that has also lead to some really shitty feelings too though but hey ... i try to be as honest as completely possible, even if it means getting my ass beat. that surely counts for something right ? lol
-------------------- Done = Alcohol and Absinthe, THC, JWH-018, Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Codeine, Hydromorphone, Oxymorphone, Morphine, DiacetylMorphine, Fentanyl, Cocaine, Amphetamine, Methamphetamine, Phentermine, Methylphenidate, MDPV, Buprenorphine, Clonazepam, Alprozolam, Diazepam, Psylocibin, Lysergic Acid Diethalymide To Do = Ketamine, Mescaline, DMT, MDMA/MDA “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.” ― H.L. Mencken, Prejudices: First Series
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Anonymous #2
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Re: Cursing [Re: Kaevar]
#15681660 - 01/18/12 12:53 AM (12 years, 1 month ago) |
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But in all honestly, saying "fuck you" is just a way for you to NOT say what you really want to get accross.
What were you so mad about?
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Anonymous #1
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she was being a bitch
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Anonymous #2
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That's vague. What exactly pissed you off that she was doing? Do you want me to help you express your feelings without saying "fuck you" or not?
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sonamdrukpa
Wayfarer


Registered: 10/18/11
Posts: 2,777
Last seen: 3 months, 2 days
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Ha, anon #1 isn't me.
We weren't fighting about anything serious, just we'd been fighting all day. It wasn't anything actually worth fighting over, just she had followed me to another room after I conceded the argument to her and kept laying it on me to the point I felt I wasn't being allowed to defend myself. I felt cornered and abused and lashed out. Nothing really rational about any of it.
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koraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
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Well, it's understandable that you'd say something like 'fuck you' or 'fuck off' in a situation like you described. So I guess she needs to grow some thicker skin On the other hand, if you want to change anything, then you'll have to learn the most effective trick in the book, which turns out also to be extremely difficult: count to ten. Calm yourself down until you find that you can think of something to say that is NOT intended to hurt the other person, and then say something constructive. "Look, you've got me cornered. Please give me some room. You've made your point, ok? I'll come out in 5 minutes and we'll figure things out, but I need to settle down for a couple of minutes now" Something like that. Admitting that you're wrong, that you feel threatened/cornered or that you are angry is NOT a sign of weakness. It's quite the opposite!
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redpoppy
Stranger

Registered: 02/06/07
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Last seen: 12 years, 29 days
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Re: Cursing [Re: koraks]
#15683220 - 01/18/12 12:17 PM (12 years, 1 month ago) |
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Me and my husband NEVER swear at each other no matter how angry we get. The thing is I'm the one with the temper. He finds even shouting unacceptable. I once swore i anger. I can't remember if it was a fuck off but i had to apologise.
The thing is. The things you say in an argument or when you're angry stay with the recipient for a long time. ESPECIALLY if it's a woman. Now some women can get used to the idea of a guy who loses all boundaries when angry but many can't. And really why should they have to?
If you don't learn from your arguments and they don't get less with time you may be heading into danger.
Having said that some couples swear like crazy at each other. That's just the way they argue. But unfortunately if it's one sided it's not right.
Hope you can figure it out.
One thing i did early on in our marriage since i knew i was the one with the temper was to make a deal with myself to back down in whatever fight we had next. Whether he was right or wrong. It really helped because it taught me to get a grip on my temper and also if he was wrong i went back and talked to him about it later. When I wasn't angry. Hence more reasoned and loving. It helps loads.
Just say "next time we have an argument i will back down".
Maybe you could try it. Not every time but eveyone so often. Sometimes arguments are an indication there's something wrong in the relationship. Sometimes arguments ruin an excellent relationship.
Also of her dad was emotionally abusive she will be aware that many women end up in the same cycle as their parents so they get super defensive about it.
Anyway. I talk too much. Best of luck dude.
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sonamdrukpa
Wayfarer


Registered: 10/18/11
Posts: 2,777
Last seen: 3 months, 2 days
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Just wanted to say thanks for the advise, all.
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