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I spit in theface of peoplewho ain't cool.
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Registered: 10/08/01
Posts: 6,118
Loc: Monterey, CA
Last seen: 9 years, 2 months
    #1559139 - 05/19/03 02:06 AM (15 years, 13 days ago)

(I'm just ranting here, don't try and put in wise words, I just need to let it out)

I'm just not feeling it, I've stopped caring about most everything.

I've been thinking over the weekend, I have had nothing else to do, I'm too paranoid to go out, I don't have anybody to hang with, and no fuckers want to give me a job. All I've been doing is just watching TV and playing games. Every day I wake up, I say "I'm going to go out and make a difference". But then I just fall back into my pit and do nothing.

I just have nothing to drive me right now, nothing to motivate me. I am just a procastination machine. I want to go to every place in this city and try and get a job, but I just break into cold sweat at the mere prospect of asking to see a manager. I just think I'll look like a moron.

I feel incredibly sedated.

All my life, I've been classified as an underachiever. Becase I've had nothing to motivate me.

I've never had any real close friends my whole life. The only people I've had any kind of association with I have the feeling they just felt sorry for me. The longest association I've ever had with anyone outside of my family was this one chick who I knew for 6 years, but I never saw her outside of school, she never gave me her number or anything of the sort, which further reinforces that suspicion.

Todays my one year anniversary of graduation from high school. I thought it would be so great to finally get away from all the assholes and self centered pricks that gave me so much shit for all those years. And it does feel great to not have to put up with them anymore. But somehow I wish I could do it over again, or rather do it right. I only stood up for myself a couple of times during those tormentious years, and I really should have done it more. Maybe I'd have respect for myself if I did so.

My plan was to take a year off of school and return to college this fall. Well guess what, I just missed the deadline to apply. My ACT scores have expired, my brains gone numb from not being used. I've lost my window of oppurtunity, I'm pretty sure permanently.

The past 6 months I tried to be a "cool guy". I did a lot of stupid shit to try and impress people (putting 6 people in my CRX? Drinking half a gallon of gin? Throwing parties with 3 dozen people in my studio? Taking an eighth of shrooms and a dozen shots in a couple of hours?). And it got me exactly shit. I've still never even kissed a girl. The first thing these people would say to me is "Why don't you talk more?" and "You suck at this game" and giving me more shit while being under the guise of my "friend". Who the fuck are they to rag on me, the only reason they hung out with me in the first place is because they didn't want to be lonely, even though it doesn't make sense because they only cared about the sound of their own voice ("blah blah I'm so great you should do this and be just like me! blah blah). No more. From now on I'm only out for myself, I don't trust a damn soul in this world anymore.

I'm a paranoid fucker now. I think people are looking at me and talking wherever I go, even though theres no reason they should be.

I've given up being emotional. I have no tears anymore. And nor do I have smiles.

Why would any girl ever like me. I certainly don't have dashing good looks. What could have been called my personality (which is a very large exaggeration) is now dead. I'm just a walking darkness and gloom machine. Chicks don't dig stoic guys, and I am the epitome of that.

I am running out of money. I don't realistically see myself landing a job (Thanks for our shit economy Mr President). In two months I will be broke, one way or another.

My parents are ashamed of me.

I am a colossal failure at life.

I am ashamed to be living in a country that is becoming a despotism more and more every day. If George Bush is reelected in 2004, I will move out of this country, any way I can. If I'm still even around by then, the way I'm going I wont be surprised if I starve to death or even kill myself.

How did I become so joyless.....

Nostalgia is all that brings me happiness now. Reminding myself of happier times.

I wanted to restart my life with a new attitude. This isn't the attitude I wanted. I wanted a good, happy outlook. I got the opposite.

I am so bitter.

I can't stand to go out in public anymore, seeing people walking around with each other holding hands, laughing and being happy just makes me sick to my stomach.

If I died tomorrow, not a damn soul would miss me. I would have an empty funeral, just knowing this is eating me up inside.

And yet I can fix none of it.

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Registered: 05/01/01
Posts: 44
Loc: lapland
Last seen: 12 years, 5 months
Re: Disaffected [Re: GringoLoco]
    #1559245 - 05/19/03 03:16 AM (15 years, 13 days ago)

the fact is that there are over 6 billion people on this planet. all these people supported by one source, and many problems will arise. actually, i think 6 billion selfish bastards and problems will arise.

another factoid, our solar system is 4.5 billion years old(approx.) and is in the middle of its life(approx.). this means that the sun will rise tomorrow(and it will rise in the east) and itlll set in the afternoon(in the west of course) only to rise again to set again the following day, and so on. even if its cloudy and you cant see it rise, it keeps doing its thing. day in and day out. so you just gotta keep on with your own thing i guess. well peace out b.

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Anonymous #1

Re: Disaffected [Re: GringoLoco]
    #1559843 - 05/19/03 01:20 PM (15 years, 12 days ago)

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -

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Registered: 04/07/03
Posts: 3,676
Loc: Canadia
Last seen: 10 years, 7 months
Re: Disaffected [Re: ]
    #1564333 - 05/21/03 12:03 AM (15 years, 11 days ago)

ya, alot of your post make me laugh


One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition, because It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

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Registered: 04/28/03
Posts: 3,265
Last seen: 12 years, 17 days
Re: Disaffected [Re: Hans_Moleman]
    #1565038 - 05/21/03 06:23 AM (15 years, 10 days ago)

in all honesty the internet is great =D even though it may not seem like it you can make really good on the internet that will help you through! Trust me I have made some awesome friends. It's just as real as any one of my "friends" who are with me the exact same reason your friends were with you. Honestly try to learn more about anything, and if you feel like you just cant take it anymore you probley cant so go on a trip! Not a "trip" but a real vacation like go somewhere sunny go out in nature. There is a beauty in this world which is sometimes the most fascinating thing in this world to me: nature. Also even if you are not religous go join a church. It will be full of people who care about you, becuase of their devotion they can help you get through alot of shit. Just some suggestions to think about... Also just to let you know women sometimes dont care about personality they at first look at your looks. So go out and work out or somthing. Get your self in shape and your life will be in better shape. OK those are my suggestions and most of those have worked for me so good luck =] and if you have to lay off the drugs for a while.

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