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Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 4,454
Last seen: 5 years, 4 months
life, stress, directions, people, places, focus
    #1555894 - 05/17/03 10:36 AM (15 years, 7 days ago)

So Im going camping in the mountains for a few days... I have no doubt of the peace that will find me there. I plan to forget everything and just soak into the environment.

And then... I come back here.

I lose sight of what's real and not, what direction I want to be moving in. I can't figure it out. Everytime I get somewhere, I find myself back at square one. Everytime I start to really enjoy the company I hold, something bites my brain like a cobra, and I become really annoyed or frustrated with people, and I crave to be somewhere else.

I have history of some sort of rollercoaster depression. I used to be on meds. I used to not feel alive every other night. but I don't look at that as an excuse. it has crippled me in the past but I don't believe it controls me, i think it's a part of me that I can and have to deal with.

I meditate, I get sun, I stretch, I excercise, I play guitar in a band. I play music that makes me forget where I am.

I feel more free now than I ever have before, I feel free of desires and delusions that plagued me for years. I finally do not want to escape into a girl. escape out of one prison and into another. any romantic relationship right now would be a destructive one as well. I know where girls have lead me in the past and where they will now.
But shit, I get stressed. Stressed that I'm still here bumming around accomplishing nothing. I feel like I've wasted too much time. stressed at the freedom i allow this inner monologue to dictate me. constantly chattering away. but ill put you in words now you fucker, let everyone see you.

People frustrate me. But I don't know if it's them or me... Well, how can you hope to have a decent relationship with other people, if you don't have one with yourself.
social anxiety, spiritual elitism, fears of sincerity, plain ignorance... I can't stand it. ego games. win/lose.
everywhere, mental masturbation. and I can't say I'm any less to blame than the other guy.
It's like we're all deadlocked. nobody knows what to say so we just spout useless shit. The same cycles over and over again. And things only seem to change when society's pressure gives us a little nudge.

regardless... my life is sacred to me, and i think I will remain in this rut until I accept the fact that every one of my actions weigh consequence. I can't pretend it doesnt matter. I don't want to dumb anything down for comfort's sake. I want to be on that verge, in the hallways, in the woods, in the bedroom. this paradox is not going away. and i see visions of the other side. concrete tranquility, even amidst all the technology. because that is the world today. run away from it if you want. I wont think any less of you.

ugh.. i can already feel the next shadow that's going to rip me out of these clouds. but it doesnt bother me that much. with every day I am seeing a little clearer. all i need is to dare to believe in progress.

im putting away the pipe after this camping trip. my brain needs to be on one level. i need focus. i need to feel like i've been the same person all week long. i need to do all i can to help make this world seem less like a living hell. and all this shit, just because I believe in positive change.

ah that felt good.

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Re: life, stress, directions, people, places, focus [Re: Grav]
    #1556157 - 05/17/03 02:26 PM (15 years, 7 days ago)

Have a great time Bud. You'll be missed.


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Reality Hacker

Registered: 07/28/02
Posts: 3,599
Loc: Traped in a shell.
Last seen: 10 years, 8 months
Re: life, stress, directions, people, places, focus [Re: Grav]
    #1556235 - 05/17/03 03:15 PM (15 years, 7 days ago)

My advise is to stop being paranoid all the time and just accept whatever happens.

Less desire = More comfort.  :grin:

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?

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Registered: 01/31/01
Posts: 270
Loc: The Days Between
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
Re: life, stress, directions, people, places, focus [Re: Grav]
    #1556875 - 05/17/03 10:59 PM (15 years, 7 days ago)

I can really relate to your post. All I can advise is that "this too shall pass" and sometimes the best we can do is, nothing at all.
"When you get confused, just listen to the music play"
"Roll away, the dew!"

"New shit has come to light..."

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