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OfflineFides
dude
Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 3
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Still Waiting
    #1547303 - 05/14/03 04:21 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I figure I'll start with a quote before discribing my reasons for looking at razor blades in entirely the wrong way.

"Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Here I go...

Im beginning to wonder how I can deal with this problem. Im 20 and am a virgin. Worrying has taken over my mind. The worrying stems from the lies about the sexual inexperience. All of my friends are 21+. I do not know another person in any social respect that has less experience than I do. Ive never even been kissed. I mean WTF? I say 21 and Im out. One bullet and seven weeks, to the next life.
I dont think this problem is physical. From what people have told me, I dont look too bad. I workout, have a decent body and the like. I just cant seem to connect with anyone on any kind of sexual/romantic (or what have you) level. Its not that I havent had feelings for anyone. I have had strong feelings for several people.
One of my biggest troubles in this arena is that one of my closest friends seems to be the present object of my affection. We may have had a chance at one point, but now we are left as friends. And Im left pining for her. She is out of town for a while and we talk but... I dont know where I should go with that. Shes younger than I am and we dont have much in common except bud, shrooms and our pathetic sex-lives. That is not to say that she is inexperienced though.
So whats a guy to do? Without the social prerequisites and communication ablities to meet girls (and in some ways make good guy friends), how is one to make it through?
I have faith, but there is only so far that faith can take you.
But I say it. Tengo fe.
My faith is beginning to wear thin.


I know your probably not a shrink, but shit.


--------------------
who me?


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OfflineFliquid
Back from being gone.
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Registered: 03/18/02
Posts: 6,953
Loc: omotive
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Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1547333 - 05/14/03 04:49 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Man i was a virgin till i was 19, don't worrie about it.
It will happen one day or another. If you suck at sex, it doesn't matter.
We are not all born as perfect as i am..  :wink:
But for real, didn't you have to learn how to grawl before you could walk?
Do you think everyone who has had sex, was the wonder dick from the start off?
No way man.. And if they say so, they lie.
Don't worrie about it man, your day will cum..  :grin:
You will feel things, a handjob can't make up for. I can tell you that at least.
Killing yourself for not having done it yet would mean you will never do it.
And i can tell you it is an experience you must experience..  :cool: 


--------------------
:dancing: My latest music! :yesnod:


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OfflineSheepish
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Registered: 04/02/02
Posts: 10,137
Loc: Exile
Last seen: 1 month, 1 day
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1547373 - 05/14/03 05:35 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Relax buddy. I didn't kiss anyone, or even have a g/f until 18, and I'm still a virgin (I turn 21 in 2 months). Haven't had much luck with girls around here at all and I'm still pretty hopeless at the whole hooking up with girls thing. I am afraid of the sex, I know it will be awkward, I will be a pretty lousy shag and a nervous wreck. But then again, most people's first times are dissapointing, and after that you just have to keep practising :wink:
I can't tell you what to do though, because I have no idea how to get a girl on the end of my arm. I guess, just keep going out, and you may eventually meet someone. Don't stress it too much though, it's not a race. 


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Offlineenotake2
Stop Bush's war
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Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 1,457
Loc: Comfy chair in my lounger...
Last seen: 5 years, 5 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1547477 - 05/14/03 07:58 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Dude, from the people I've talked to lots of people haven't had sex with anyone by the time you are 21. I don't know what your friends are like, but a lot of young guys exagerate their sexual experience, they may not be so sassy as they make out. If you find a girl you have something in common with you might have a better chance of getting laid.


--------------------
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

"Being bitter and hateful is like drinking a vial of poison and hoping the other person gets sick" FreakQLibrium

"My motto from here on out is: If someone or something (including me) in my life is conducting themselves in such a way that they can be seen on Jerry Springer, it's time to take out the garbage!!! When you stop taking their behaviour personally and see their antics as a true reflection on their character, it becomes absolutely nauseating." Anon. on abusive relationships.


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Offlinebaraka
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Registered: 07/16/00
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Re: Still Waiting [Re: enotake2]
    #1547949 - 05/14/03 01:16 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Sounds like you just not forward enough with girls.  I had some issues with fear of rejection/just not being forward enough.  Go after the girls, flirt with em.

If one shoots you down, oh well there are many more.


EDIT:  the girl that is out of town does she have any clue you have feeling for her.  Maybe you should let her know :smile:.


--------------------
This is the only time I really feel alive.


Edited by baraka (05/14/03 01:18 PM)


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InvisibleWhiskeyClone
Not here
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Registered: 06/25/01
Posts: 16,499
Loc: Longitudinal Center of Ca...
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1555091 - 05/16/03 11:25 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Dude your story is very much like me about three years ago. I was older than you when I first did it and the first time I kissed a girl was the first time I had sex. I used to be very insecure about it with myself, but as I matured, I became at peace with the fact that I was a 20+ year-old virgin. I used to think that people who had had sex at an earlier age had something over me, but later I realized how absurd a belief that is. Would you rather be a 17 year old with plenty of sexual experience and a three-year-old kid?

Even though I came to be OK with my virginity, I had already had to lie about sexual experience (something ALL people do at some point, in some way), so I had to maintain those lies. It's sad that society is so hard on people for this. People tend to treat their virginity like it's a piece of snot on their finger that they want to flick away at the earliest opportunity. It's especially tough for guys. A lot of people talk about virgins with disdain because they've got nothing else in their lives to feel superior about other than a half-dozen mediocre drunken romps under their belt.

Please don't even consider suicide as any kind of answer to this dilemma. The problem isn't that you haven't had sex, it's that your virginity makes you feel inadequate. It doesn't need to. I suspect the reason you're lacking experience is the same reason I was for so long: I was afraid to be forward with girls. I was terrified of the prospect of them not liking me. In hindsight is is sooo obvious I had it all totally backwards. I suffered because I was afraid to feel rejected. It is well worth putting your feelings on the line once in a while.

Remember: More people are in your situation than you think.

Be grateful that you aren't hideously ugly or disfigured, or penisless or whatever. Don't take that for granted by considering ending your life over something so superficial. When I finally did do it, I felt like I was just ready enough. I can't imagine having done it as an immature 16-year old. Kids shouldn't be having sex; they don't even know what it's about.

Your day will come. And so will you  :wink: 


--------------------
Welcome evermore to gods and men is the self-helping man.  For him all doors are flung wide: him all tongues greet, all honors crown, all eyes follow with desire.  Our love goes out to him and embraces him, because he did not need it.

~ R.W. Emerson, "Self-Reliance"

:heartpump:


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OfflineFides
dude
Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 3
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: WhiskeyClone]
    #1560552 - 05/19/03 05:38 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Thanks guys. I met this girl the other day. Shes a bit older and hadnt been on a date in her life about 2 months ago. Its kinda funny how much we have in common. She lives about 8 hours away from me (Im visiting some relatives). I guess I just get in those lows sometimes. I just worry that someday its gonna be the death of me.

I also saw a doctor, he perscribed me prozac. Maybe it will help.


--------------------
who me?


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OfflineMighty Bop
Big Boy

Registered: 06/30/01
Posts: 1,920
Loc: Nowhere
Last seen: 4 days, 12 hours
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1563690 - 05/20/03 08:03 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I've had sex with 5 different people and I actually wish I was a virgin again. The first I thought I loved, the second was for lust, the second was lust and third I thought was for love. The first time was worth it, the second 2 were pointless and I regret them and the last time I really regret because the girl really screwed me over because I was falling for her. Anyways, I say wait until you love the girl otherwise you may regret it.


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"One attaineth whatever state of being one thinketh about at the last when relinquishing the body, being ever absorbed in the thought thereof." - Sri Krishna to Arjuna, Bhagavad Gita, viii, 6


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1563825 - 05/20/03 09:02 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

STOP WAITING to get laid!!! That's the first step. Its not going to happen if you just sit there and wait for it. You have to understand that our "mating game" is way more fucked up than that of any other animal, and I think its all due to distractions from yourself and any given girl.

Get all that shit out of your head that the media and mommy told you when you were young and go out there and stop treating them like untouchable princesses.

grab some ass on the dancefloor, literally and metaphorically speaking.

Start treating them like YOU KNOW THEY WANT YOU, like they've already told you that they want you. Stop treating them like THEY KNOW YOU WANT THEM.

Of course its all going to come down to confidence, that thing that allows you to change your system of being. Realize the difference between who you are, and what your act is, and then you'll find out how to change your act.


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


Edited by Strumpling (05/20/03 09:05 PM)


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1563833 - 05/20/03 09:06 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

oh and when you turn 21 you shouldn't kill yourself because one's chances of getting laid go up dramatically once they can legally go out to bars


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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InvisibleXibalba
Stranger
Registered: 05/14/00
Posts: 2,114
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Strumpling]
    #1564352 - 05/21/03 12:08 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

What Strumpling said I've heard many times, it's true but not that helpful.
Yes, all the guys who do get laid are self-confident and aggressive and have no problems going out there and grabbing that ass... that's the kind of person they are. But if someone isn't like that, just 'acting as if' isn't a very good solution.

For someone like Fides- or me- it would be a total act. Constantly trying to maintain this false persona that is the exact opposite of his natural tendencies every time he's in the presence of women. I've done well in acting classes, I can enjoy a game of charades if I've had enough to drink, but this is one game I'm not willing to play.

I guess that means I don't really want sex. Just about anyone who really wants to get laid, will. So it's not something I feel sorry for myself over. Sure I'd like to; I'm just not desperate enough to actually try. I suspect the same is true of Fides...


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Xibalba]
    #1564867 - 05/21/03 03:04 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

it IS an act..... that's what confidence IS - its faith in yourself with no specific grounds - i thought..


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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OfflineWysefool
I AM SKELETON JELLY
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Registered: 12/26/02
Posts: 6,641
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Re: Still Waiting [Re: Xibalba]
    #1564874 - 05/21/03 03:06 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I have this problem too, all my close friends have gone out and had sex while I sit around not even having kissed a girl (ok well I have sort of but she's this total slut who would fuck anybody and I stopped because I felt bad about that). So it's not that I couldn't go and have sex but I just don't want to lose my self-respect. I'm also quiet around everybody, especially girls, they always ask me why I'm so quiet and stuff, apparently not talking creeps people out because they don't know what you're thinking! People always assume the worst of people. I'm not hellbent on sexual satisfaction, I just want a girl to be with, hang out with, just basically somebody I can love & have fun with being myself. The other day this girl offered me a blowjob for my mushrooms and I wouldn't trade and my friends were like what the hell is wrong with you are you a fag or something? It's not like I never thought of that myself, but I know I'm not. I think a part of it may be my confidence, people have told me I'm ugly and that really gets to me, I used to have bad posture but I think that's gone now, or people just don't mention it anymore. I'm not even sure that I am as ugly as people say! Do you think maybe it's just my friends playing around and stuff and I'm just making too much out of it? I used to be positive I was mentally stable, I used to have quite a bit of confidence (which I have next to zero now, I have trouble talking to people that I've known for a year!) but now I think people are thinking bad things about me when they walk by and I was even convinced for a while that my friends were all just using me because my mom gives me lots of money to rent games and we always have good food. I also notice that now when I smoke weed I get even more paranoid, I'm going to try and quit weed for a while to see if that helps. Anyways I'm not really expecting any support or help, I just really wanted to say all this stuff that I've been thinking for the past 5 years, thanks for listening.


--------------------
GET MAD SWAG MONEY BIG PIMPIN


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OfflineStrumpling
Neuronaut
Registered: 10/11/02
Posts: 7,571
Loc: Hyperspace
Last seen: 5 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Xibalba]
    #1564885 - 05/21/03 03:11 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I think a lot of it has to do with expectations as well..

Person A walks up to a woman (or doesn't walk up at all because he's..) expecting the worst. "Holy shit what if she starts laughing in my face and the whole room turns silent and everybody starts pointing and laughing and they throw me out and tell me never to come back again because I'm such a fool for going for this chick." Person A is so hung up on watching for mistakes that they forget there's a whole other side of the game; and YES, it is a game - ask any woman. They want you to play.

Person B walks up to a woman expecting the best. He walks up expecting the woman to want to go home with her that night, or at least expects to get a phone number or something.. He's forgotten about the negative and focuses on what he was trying to do in the first place: get this girl naked, or whatever :wink: - he realizes that small mistakes are allowed and that it's even ok to joke about them.. He plays the game.

Do you want to play? Oh, ok.. well maybe we'll see you tomorrow then, eh? heh see if you don't even want to play you're not going to win.


--------------------
Insert an "I think" mentally in front of eveything I say that seems sketchy, because I certainly don't KNOW much. Also; feel free to yell at me.
In addition: SHPONGLE


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Offlinepseudopod
scattered,smothered,covered...

Registered: 03/02/03
Posts: 244
Last seen: 3 years, 3 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1564936 - 05/21/03 03:53 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Prozac and other antidepressants can lower libido (which has it's pro's and con's). I don't think it makes you less interested in the opposite sex in general, but if you have any questions I'd ask your doctor.

People's sexual appetite varies alot. I can tell you that what you are experiencing is not unusual, no matter how much it sucks. If you are worried about it because you think you're strange, don't sweat it. If you want to connect more with someone emotionally and can't, this is a pretty standard hurdle that can be overcome with the help of a therapist.

I hate giving advice in here, especially not knowing all the details, but it sounds to me like you pretty hung up on this so here goes... I think you're at the point where you are ready for a relationship. You are inexperienced, so naturally you are a little frustrated because you want to dance but don't know the moves. There are women out there that would love to show you a step or two if you were honest about it as long as you didn't make it feel like a pity fuck. Try dating an older woman maybe. Or even better, casually date for a while and just focus on getting to know the person you're out with. You may just be picky, and this could help you get to know more women as well as what you are looking for.


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OfflineJazzMatazz
addict

Registered: 09/07/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Vienna, Austria
Last seen: 2 years, 1 month
Re: Still Waiting [Re: pseudopod]
    #1564987 - 05/21/03 04:45 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Its bin said a couple of times, but I guess positiv feedback is never wrong!
I absolutely agree with everyone else. Im 18 and a virgin, and a lot of girls I feel attracted to end up as friends... Just take your chance, try and briefly stroke her. If she feels annoyed , stop. - This wont change much in the relationship, trust me!
On the other hand, if she doesnt move away, go on, but look into her eyes. Youo^ll see how she feels about it. If your more from the rational corner, you could also talk it out, and discuss your relationship. Id opt for the body-talk method, it just has more to do with feelings and love.

Hope I could help,
JazzMatazz


--------------------
Perception is limited to consciousness.Expand it and unfold other realities.


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Offlinewhole9
LOVE ME BITCH

Registered: 04/28/03
Posts: 3,265
Last seen: 10 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: JazzMatazz]
    #1565039 - 05/21/03 06:28 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Honestly sex is not all that. Virginity means nothing to men... Honestly... Go buy a nice juicy bottle of KY and go masterbate to some lesbian pr0n you will feel much better and then you wont have to worry about talking to her the next day. Personally I want to stay a virgin as long as possible or at least untill im married. Supprisingly I am sexually active and get head, hand jobs, ect. from girls at least once to three times a month. Im still in high school but ya all my friends I know who have had sex are just slaves to it. They break down when they go a few weeks without pussy! I just dun wana be like that so I choose not to have sex even when I could.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Still Waiting [Re: whole9]
    #1565213 - 05/21/03 10:33 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

i'd like to say something on the "confidence" aspect of this thread. just because you are timid towards the opposite sex, that does not mean you don't have confidence.

there is internal confidence... the kind where you have strength in yourself, and act according to what you believe and think... this is the confidence i hold in the highest regard... it leads to the ability to know yourself thoroughly.

then there is external confidence... the kind that people become slaves to all their life. this kind of confidence does not look inward for strength, only outward towards the acceptence of others. this is the confidence of the weak, yet in real life, they are considered the ones with the most "self" confidence. in reality these people are robots to how other people perceive they should act.

many people who lack "confidence" have defied the external confidence and gained internal confidence and not known the difference. the fact that you haven't given into pressures by society to have sex on command shows that you hold yourself in a higher regard than what others think of you. you should be proud of this.... the tricky part is converting this internal confidence to the external world, without indulging yourself into needing the acceptence of others. people who strive for external confidence have put on masks all their life.. if you can realize this, you can see the game they play, and you can play it too, but not in the same aspect they do. just have faith in yourself that you are yourself... while others play into the status quo... confidence comes in many ways, find yours and use that to grow and merge with others.


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OfflineFides
dude
Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 3
Last seen: 13 years, 6 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: ]
    #1591884 - 05/30/03 02:12 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

irony...
fides = faith (latin)

i realize now that my sexual inexperience is due to the lack of self-confidence. but its growing. with every female incounter i feel better equipted (however slighty) for the next.

im just a slow learner at certain things, but i usually come around. ive never been the social person everyone else was in high school. i was incredibly obese, but ive gotten into great shape (shit i almost have a six-pack). ill find my social place eventually.

i think its just gonna take some time to learn from, and adapt to the current situation.

one thing ive really come to grips with is that my respect for women seems to become excessive, to the point where i dont want to impress my-self (in almost anyway) on her. im beginning to realize that i need to put myself out there more.

i realize that the overwelming desire is counterproductive to the goal, and sometimes the future seems bleak. but fuck that though. i got bigger fish to fry. i gotta figure out how to make my millions.

tengo fe


--------------------
who me?


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OfflineWaveRider
In search ofWisdom

Registered: 01/12/03
Posts: 69
Loc: CANADA
Last seen: 12 years, 9 months
Re: Still Waiting [Re: Fides]
    #1593633 - 05/30/03 04:49 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I had sex the first time when I was 14, with a guy who really really sucked. He had trouble getting it up the first two attempts and was the worse lover any woman could ever have had! I did not enjoy myself and it was very disappointing. My next bf (a virgin, and my current passion) was just the BEST!!! Even on his first time I was able to orgasm ( a task that is not easely accomplished by a virgin 17 year old boy). I don't ever want to be a virgin again (as it is too hard for a girl to avoid the pressures of the male kind) but sex is always better with someone you kow and care for. The ackwardness, the worries about satisfation, etc, all seem a little less important if you have some connection to the person you are sleeping with. I think it is kind of sexy for a woman to find out her desire is a virgin as, you as a virgin, have a world to learn and who better to show you! You might actually get laid faster if you told a woman you are a virgin!  :grin:   


--------------------
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer, the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear, permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path."


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