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Anonymous #1

Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint?
    #15363777 - 11/13/11 08:56 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Well, i'll keep it simple and be as clear as i can, even though as well all know - people interpret views differently all the time. I'll be A, the male, my girlfriend will be B.

After explaining to B that I had a rough time during school, was treated a bit crappily, had few friends, ditched alot for no good reason etc, and I tried to stand up for myself when nobody else would (no physical violence, just being able to voice my own opinion), i admitted that I hold grudges. I know holding grudges is a bad thing, but then again, if 12 of your friends no longer speak to you because you dumped your girlfriend and they'd rather hang out with her than you, it can hurt you pretty bad, especially when they start turning round and telling you to fuck off in the middle of class when it's meant to be group work.

So as A explains this to B, and A never explains this to anyone as it's very personal, B then says something strange.

B: I *cannot* be around people that have hate in their lives. I went through too much of it myself and i just can't handle it, it makes me severely depressed. I don't want to be around someone that is full of hate.
A: Look sweet, That was years ago when this shit happened, i've grown up alot since being a teenager, yes i still hold grudges, but it's not like i think about them all the time or even care when i see someone. I just can't get to the point where i can forgive them for everything and become their best friend if they wanted it.
B: I'm never going to be a hateful person, I only have time for love. I was not born to hate, or be around hate. End of. This is who I am.



Ok so Shroomerites, yes, this is just another babbling relationship problem. I explained how B can't believe that without having believe that it's an extremely selfish act and that everybody is different.

What I need is another perspective. If B is so intent on believing this, and can't help me when i feel pretty damn shit or angry (as she wont go near hate), what can I do in this relationship to help change her into someone that's more accepting of those who can't help but be filled with a bit of hate?

tl;dr - Lots of very hypothetical bullshit which is easily explained. Just need someone to give me advice :smile:

Help me Shroomery, You're my last hope.  :starwars:


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Offlinesonamdrukpa
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Registered: 10/18/11
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15363816 - 11/13/11 09:17 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

With all due respect, B is full of BS.

I really hate when people do stuff like this.  It is part of the human condition to struggle with grudges against others, especially when they have done hurtful things to you in your most formative years.  If B herself was full of love, then she would be caring and understanding, and help out a person who came to her with a personal problem in order to get some help instead of giving you a bunch of maudlin bs about how she was only full of love.  No one is only full of love, or free from hate.

If she has a perspective like this, then I think you have to be very patient, because people with this sort of perspective are very slow to change.  You have to show her through being an emotionally mature person that you've move on from that previous point in your life.  If you think that's worth the time, then eventually she'll be more understanding when you open up a bit - that's what emotionally bonding does.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: sonamdrukpa]
    #15363855 - 11/13/11 09:31 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Thank you sonamdrukpa. I needed a little clarification and help there, exactly what i needed to hear too :smile: Sadly, B just went offline after i explained all that so i hope to R2D2 that her computer crashed.  And i agree with the being full of BS, i get sick and tired of this crap but - i'll stay here and wade through the river of nonsense if it'll make her happy some day.

If anybody else has any comments.. would help so much :smile:


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OfflineKumara
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Registered: 02/24/09
Posts: 179
Last seen: 1 month, 7 days
Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15363902 - 11/13/11 09:43 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Hating hate is still hate.
This is the crap that made me crazy in "spiritual" "light-chaser" circles.
Choose love!  Not fear!
Fear of fear is STILL fear.
Hating hate IS HATE.
If she thinks she needs to go, LET HER. Until she matures and is able to do some self-inquiry and reflection, you are going to be the one that carries all of the "hate" because she will deny it in herself.  This will be an ongoing struggle in different contexts, it will not change.  She has an fantasy ideal of what "love" is in her mind, and you cannot change that.
You will have to twist yourself inside out and deny aspects of yourself to be acceptable to her, believe what she says and find someone more suitable for you.

Don't waste your time wading through nonsense trying to make her happy (and validate yourself).  You won't be able to - speaking as a woman, a woman who can't or won't look inside herself to make herself happy CANNOT be made happy by a man.  There are fleeting moments of being high on "getting what I want", and it's not true happiness, it's an addiction :bigyesnod:

In the meantime, you are focusing on trying to change her mind when your time would be better spent finding a woman already likeminded who can accept you for who you are because she already accepts herself.  I suspect you don't fully accept yourself, grudges and all, or you wouldn't be wasting your time trying to convince her of your point of view.



Edited by Kumara (11/13/11 09:51 AM)


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Invisiblecateyes
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Registered: 12/16/03
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Kumara]
    #15364047 - 11/13/11 10:31 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

i have news for you OP... it is possible to live a life free of hate... i was full of hate when i was in high school, but as i got older i learned that the hate can and will consume you... maybe it's best t hat you move on because i seriously you're going to change her... well i shouldn't say it's impossible because over time you can program someones subconscious if they allow access, but i suspect if you continue with this bullshit it will eventually drive her away... what do you get out of your hate, other then being eaten alive by it? because hanging onto it the way you seem to be doing makes you damaged goods for anyone looking for a solid relationship... hanging onto this hate teaches you to go on and hate other things and pretty soon you'll have a long list of shit you hate and you'll end up having trouble identifying which one you hate the most... feeling anger is normal, feeling hate and hanging onto it is an undesirable emotion that is weak in my opinion and it will eventually devour you...

Kensho :psychsplit:


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OfflineKumara
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Registered: 02/24/09
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Last seen: 1 month, 7 days
Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: cateyes]
    #15364121 - 11/13/11 10:50 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Now that I've had some time to think about it...
The girl has told you that you aren't the guy for her.
Now you are trying to convince her otherwise, which is manipulative and disrespectful.
Let her go and work on your issues.
YOU are the one who dragged your dirty laundry from the past into the present, and are now trying to pretend like it's the past and that the laundry doesn't stink and she should accept it.
If it were me, I'd run too.  Trying to be in relationship with someone who is trying to redeem themselves from the past is like rolling around in a bathtub full of razorblades.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,691
Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15364888 - 11/13/11 01:53 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
What I need is another perspective. If B is so intent on believing this, and can't help me when i feel pretty damn shit or angry (as she wont go near hate), what can I do in this relationship to help change her into someone that's more accepting of those who can't help but be filled with a bit of hate?



I think this is where you go 'wrong' (I don't really believe in right or wrong, but in this case, I'd say 'wrong' is the route that will lead to maximum frustration on both sides). You don't need to change your girlfriend. You should, in my opinion, be able to pick yourself up if you're down, or work your issues out if you're sad, angry or confused. Sure, it definitely helps if she supports you in some sort of way, even if it's just by leaving you alone or making you a cup of tea, but don't expect your partner to fully sympathize with every aspect of your mental landscape. So don't be too dependent on her, and don't try to change her. The first is for your own good, the second is for the good of both of you: if you try to change your girlfriend and she keeps resisting (which she will, because otherwise she would have been different to begin with), then the both of you will get frustrated and nobody will be any happier.

Now, in a more optimistic vein: if you show her the way you thing a person should behave and view life, i.e. by doing those things that you find important and thereby setting the example, then maybe, just maybe, if it works what you are doing, she might embrace the same concepts.

On a side note: I agree with Kumara: "hating hate is still hate". It seems to me that your girlfriend is vehemently resisting something that is inherently a part of her. Every human being sometimes experiences 'negative' emotions. We all need to deal with that. Some do so by pushing those feelings down and banning them from their lives, but my personal belief is that that will lead to dissonance and frustration in the long term, and only makes matters worse. You can tell your girlfriend this, but she won't accept it from you - she'll need to figure it out for herself. The only thing you can do is give her the example of what you believe is a better way, and then hope she'll learn.


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OfflineKumara
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: koraks]
    #15365471 - 11/13/11 04:04 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

koraks said:

On a side note: I agree with Kumara: "hating hate is still hate". It seems to me that your girlfriend is vehemently resisting something that is inherently a part of her. Every human being sometimes experiences 'negative' emotions. We all need to deal with that. Some do so by pushing those feelings down and banning them from their lives, but my personal belief is that that will lead to dissonance and frustration in the long term, and only makes matters worse. You can tell your girlfriend this, but she won't accept it from you - she'll need to figure it out for herself. The only thing you can do is give her the example of what you believe is a better way, and then hope she'll learn.





Well, that was my trigger knee-jerk reaction.  After I thought about it and read what he posted, I realized she probably realized the guy is bad news and that's just her line of reasoning to put some space between herself and him.  What the OP is doing is crazymaking and also trying to get validation for his point of view by manipulating and trying to change her, because deep down he doesn't really believe his own BS.  Been there, done that, bought the custom tie-dye  t-shirt.  Oh, and the fact they are typing this conversation instead of having a face-to-face or even a telephone conversation?  Speaks volumes of intimacy avoidance.  OP is a douche, he knows it, and is trying to convince his "gf" otherwise.  If he can convince HER, AND get some support from unknown people on the internet, then he thinks maybe his BS isn't so bad after all and he gets a nice ego stroke and she gets mindfuckery and neither one of them gets an actual relationship that is fulfilling for both of them.


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: koraks]
    #15365472 - 11/13/11 04:04 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Kumara, while your first post helped me understand my own frustration towards her ideas, your second point i'm afraid isn't valid. There are alot of variables i didn't mention, but i understand where your coming from. Yet, I believe i'm going to have to be the one that's doing the self-reflection as well for not being able to see someone elses viewpoint, especially if they are that close to me and it means so much to them. Thank you :smile:

And Koraks - i hate to make you feel as if you typed all that for nothing... but.. Well, your damn well right on everything.

I've been frustrated for the past few weeks.. I've developed some sort of heart problem (heart rate reaches up to 260bpm if i sprint for 30 seconds and no reply from doctors for another month as they are slow as hell in the UK), which means no dancing (which i've just gotten into as a little love of mine recently), no running or exercise (which gave me some focus and drive), I have to get the bus / train everywhere instead of walking. It might not seem like much, but when the most basic parts of you get taken away for fear of having a heart attack if you walk down the road too fast, it can bug you rather easily.

I think there's more than just that to add to my frustration, but i might be using that as a cover. I know this is all a bit off topic, but sometimes a guy just has to rant. Also, if anybody has a guess of whats up with my heart, i will <3 you forever if you figure it out hehe. I expect nothing :smile:

Anyway - Koraks, Kumara, you're both right on so many points it's un-real at times :smile: I'll reflect, improve, and set an example and depend less upon others.. or i'll just drag them down with me.  Thank the both of you for a little help :smile:


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Anonymous #1

Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: cateyes]
    #15365484 - 11/13/11 04:07 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Op here, your last sentence has stuck in my head for a while now :smile: Thank you.


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OfflineKumara
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Registered: 02/24/09
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #15365622 - 11/13/11 04:34 PM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Yah, well, you know your situation best...I just got riled up reading about  you wanting to change her, lol.


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Offlinenorthwest_ginger
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Registered: 10/19/11
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Kumara]
    #15372773 - 11/15/11 02:33 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Sounds like she thought you were too violent which could be off putting if she felt you might always act like that when things get rough.  Although since I don't know the whole situation with your past if it's more emotional and just trying to move I think if she really liked you she'd stick around.  It shouldn't be a deal breaker just like that.  So you may be better off without


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OfflineHeffy
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: northwest_ginger]
    #15373441 - 11/15/11 09:06 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

Quote:

B: I'm never going to be a hateful person, I only have time for love. I was not born to hate, or be around hate. End of. This is who I am.




Clearly delusional. Though as Kumara said, it's not an uncommon attitude with "spiritual light chasers".

People who refuse to acknowledge and accept negative emotions and behaviors in themselves are in for a nasty surprise. Worst part though is that when it comes the only sensible reaction from their perspective will be denial.


--------------------
I am the king of Rome, and above grammar! - Emperor Sigismund


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Offlinesonamdrukpa
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Registered: 10/18/11
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Re: Girlfriend issues.. Anybody get this viewpoint? [Re: Heffy]
    #15374052 - 11/15/11 11:56 AM (12 years, 3 months ago)

^^^^ agree


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