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Anonymous #1
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Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts
#15312014 - 11/02/11 03:19 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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I'm talking two people you actually love. I fell in love with someone I've talked to for years recently and of course, told my fiance. While I got the reaction I thought (well, honestly I thought he would kick me out), he's kind of forgotten about it, though he said for a while that he was upset and thought about it every day. Now he jokes about it and brings it up a lot, too. Meanwhile, he's admitted that he basically doesn't give me the things I need as far as attention goes, and we have financial reasons for staying together, as well as I do still love him, too. I know that most people think you can't love two people, and if you do, you're psychologically screwed. I can't say one way or the other, and that's not really my point here. My question is has anyone here ever "successfully" had a relationship where they were open and basically lived with or near both people they loved...and made it work...I'm just curious. I think it's funny that among gay/lesbian/bi couples this is something that happens quite a bit, yet two men and one woman seems totally outlandish to most people.
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Mr. Bojangles
Breathe In



Registered: 04/08/08
Posts: 1,937
Loc: The Dirty
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15313720 - 11/02/11 04:28 PM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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I don't have much personal experience but I know of a bunch of polyamorists who seem very happy with the lives they live. They even have kids. But the people involved all live together, so that's a little different than your situation.
It's not outside the realm of possibility to be in love with two people equally.
-------------------- "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." Francois-Marie Arouet
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Capers
Man About Town


Registered: 08/15/10
Posts: 16,338
Loc: United States
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Mr. Bojangles]
#15314515 - 11/02/11 06:49 PM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Capers]
#15320680 - 11/04/11 04:55 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
zappateer said: How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
Yeah like...I do realize that. The thing is, he already admits he doesn't pay attention to me like he thought he would in the beginning, doesn't want to cuddle usually, and we just sit in separate rooms for most of the evening once he comes home. He enjoys his time with himself, and basically lives just like he *is* living by himself, except we eat together, and go shopping together sometimes. That's pretty much it. And we'll go out and eat together, too.
I even brought it up and well, it didn't go over too well. But the odd thing was, he was more concerned about paying for the other person, basically, that he would end up taking care of him. I told him that wasn't going to happen if he lived with us, and he was like yeah right. This is why I still think it could happen, plus the fact he brings up the other person much of the time in various ways. He even brought up a few times that if something happened to him it was a good thing I knew this other person. Plus he asked me if I would ever date the other person, and honestly, he made me think about him in that way by accident by talking about him so much. I don't know. But you're right, jealousy would probably mess everything up.
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Umeltin
Gregory

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 1,530
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15320719 - 11/04/11 05:25 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
zappateer said: How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
Yeah like...I do realize that. The thing is, he already admits he doesn't pay attention to me like he thought he would in the beginning, doesn't want to cuddle usually, and we just sit in separate rooms for most of the evening once he comes home. He enjoys his time with himself, and basically lives just like he *is* living by himself, except we eat together, and go shopping together sometimes. That's pretty much it. And we'll go out and eat together, too.
I even brought it up and well, it didn't go over too well. But the odd thing was, he was more concerned about paying for the other person, basically, that he would end up taking care of him. I told him that wasn't going to happen if he lived with us, and he was like yeah right. This is why I still think it could happen, plus the fact he brings up the other person much of the time in various ways. He even brought up a few times that if something happened to him it was a good thing I knew this other person. Plus he asked me if I would ever date the other person, and honestly, he made me think about him in that way by accident by talking about him so much. I don't know. But you're right, jealousy would probably mess everything up.
Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
zappateer said: How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
Yeah like...I do realize that. The thing is, he already admits he doesn't pay attention to me like he thought he would in the beginning, doesn't want to cuddle usually, and we just sit in separate rooms for most of the evening once he comes home. He enjoys his time with himself, and basically lives just like he *is* living by himself, except we eat together, and go shopping together sometimes. That's pretty much it. And we'll go out and eat together, too.
I even brought it up and well, it didn't go over too well. But the odd thing was, he was more concerned about paying for the other person, basically, that he would end up taking care of him. I told him that wasn't going to happen if he lived with us, and he was like yeah right. This is why I still think it could happen, plus the fact he brings up the other person much of the time in various ways. He even brought up a few times that if something happened to him it was a good thing I knew this other person. Plus he asked me if I would ever date the other person, and honestly, he made me think about him in that way by accident by talking about him so much. I don't know. But you're right, jealousy would probably mess everything up.
just sounds like cheating to me. youre fiance isnt showing as much attention and all because thats what happens when your with someone for years. eventually you dont have to be up eachothers ass 24/7 and need some space. thats were the trust part of the relationship comes in. Hell i dont want to be around my girlfriend all day, so i let her go do what she wants , and i do what i want. and we trust eachother so i works just fine. thats how a relationship works. Apparently your fiance keeps bringing it up because its bothering him and hes not admitting it. he wouldnt be thinking about it if it didnt bother him.If my girl ever said some shit like this to me i would mail her to the other guy piece by piece. thats just me though. We work different shifts also, so half the time if we're home at the same time were sleeping anyway. you guys might as well just break it off.
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AbdouRetro
Shroomer in Grime

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 69
Last seen: 7 years, 16 days
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Umeltin]
#15320983 - 11/04/11 08:09 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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well said masterdebator! as for anon...you're little fairytale could be successful, it just seems that ur fiance' hasn't forgot about it. he's just to much in love with you to let you go. even with what you did...
maybe you need to think about this rationally before you jump into that let's all live together idea...
tell me how it goes
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: AbdouRetro]
#15325212 - 11/05/11 02:12 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
masterdebator said:
Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
zappateer said: How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
Yeah like...I do realize that. The thing is, he already admits he doesn't pay attention to me like he thought he would in the beginning, doesn't want to cuddle usually, and we just sit in separate rooms for most of the evening once he comes home. He enjoys his time with himself, and basically lives just like he *is* living by himself, except we eat together, and go shopping together sometimes. That's pretty much it. And we'll go out and eat together, too.
I even brought it up and well, it didn't go over too well. But the odd thing was, he was more concerned about paying for the other person, basically, that he would end up taking care of him. I told him that wasn't going to happen if he lived with us, and he was like yeah right. This is why I still think it could happen, plus the fact he brings up the other person much of the time in various ways. He even brought up a few times that if something happened to him it was a good thing I knew this other person. Plus he asked me if I would ever date the other person, and honestly, he made me think about him in that way by accident by talking about him so much. I don't know. But you're right, jealousy would probably mess everything up.
Quote:
Anonymous said:
Quote:
zappateer said: How could that ever be successful?
Your fiance would get really jealous.
Yeah like...I do realize that. The thing is, he already admits he doesn't pay attention to me like he thought he would in the beginning, doesn't want to cuddle usually, and we just sit in separate rooms for most of the evening once he comes home. He enjoys his time with himself, and basically lives just like he *is* living by himself, except we eat together, and go shopping together sometimes. That's pretty much it. And we'll go out and eat together, too.
I even brought it up and well, it didn't go over too well. But the odd thing was, he was more concerned about paying for the other person, basically, that he would end up taking care of him. I told him that wasn't going to happen if he lived with us, and he was like yeah right. This is why I still think it could happen, plus the fact he brings up the other person much of the time in various ways. He even brought up a few times that if something happened to him it was a good thing I knew this other person. Plus he asked me if I would ever date the other person, and honestly, he made me think about him in that way by accident by talking about him so much. I don't know. But you're right, jealousy would probably mess everything up.
just sounds like cheating to me. youre fiance isnt showing as much attention and all because thats what happens when your with someone for years. eventually you dont have to be up eachothers ass 24/7 and need some space. thats were the trust part of the relationship comes in. Hell i dont want to be around my girlfriend all day, so i let her go do what she wants , and i do what i want. and we trust eachother so i works just fine. thats how a relationship works. Apparently your fiance keeps bringing it up because its bothering him and hes not admitting it. he wouldnt be thinking about it if it didnt bother him.If my girl ever said some shit like this to me i would mail her to the other guy piece by piece. thats just me though. We work different shifts also, so half the time if we're home at the same time were sleeping anyway. you guys might as well just break it off.
I've been with someone else for 7 years, and this person for 5. I am not a person who just stops giving someone attention because I'm bored or due to length of time. So I don't get that people just stop because of a long relationship. It was only a few months when we got together when we stopped having much to do with each other. He basically treats me as a roommate.
I've asked him if we should break up, or just be roommates. But your idea that it bothers him is probably the case. If I could just pick up and leave I would, because then I would know, if he actually wants to be with me, or if he just wants me around for w/e reason. Thing is he spoke his mind when I first told him, which, I don't understand people, he acted like admitting it was the worst thing, yet people are mad when they learn someone held something in and didn't tell them, and go omg our whole relationship is a lie (or some other cliche line). I told him a few days after I realized I felt that way about the other person, I thought he would break up with me on the spot, and the timing was bad those few days due to other things going on, so that's why it took so long. I don't cheat and I don't lie...although it would certainly have been easier to just not say anything.
Quote:
AbdouRetro said: well said masterdebator! as for anon...you're little fairytale could be successful, it just seems that ur fiance' hasn't forgot about it. he's just to much in love with you to let you go. even with what you did...
maybe you need to think about this rationally before you jump into that let's all live together idea...
tell me how it goes 
I haven't actually done anything, so I'm confused by you saying "what I did". You mean fall in love? Can't really help that one.
Yeah I don't think living together would work but probably on the same property - simply because this person I am with has some problems emotionally that even I can't deal with everyday, it'd be a lot easier for him to just have a space to himself and for me to help him with what he needs help with on a daily basis and all....I'm pretty sure thought that I'll end up being kicked out or dumped soon but yeah, lol...
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AbdouRetro
Shroomer in Grime

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 69
Last seen: 7 years, 16 days
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15325722 - 11/05/11 08:23 AM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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yeah, that's what i meant. I don't think you're gonna get dumped or kicked or anything. I just think you're hurting the fiance'. most probably he loves you alot, too much to dump u. I was that guy. you need to get off the internet and think about what you actually want, then go do it.
cheers, keep me updated
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eira
i am excited to be here


Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 1,031
Loc: L.A.
Last seen: 1 year, 10 months
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Re: Being with two people openly/in love...thoughts [Re: Anonymous #1]
#15331943 - 11/06/11 04:07 PM (12 years, 3 months ago) |
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Quote:
Anonymous said: My question is has anyone here ever "successfully" had a relationship where they were open and basically lived with or near both people they loved...and made it work...I'm just curious. I think it's funny that among gay/lesbian/bi couples this is something that happens quite a bit, yet two men and one woman seems totally outlandish to most people.
It's possible. Find polyamory groups, online and real life, in your area. You're not alone!
I went to a group at Burning Man this year where us women all talked about the desire to have our own harems (one woman, multiple men). Trust me when I tell you you're not alone <3 We all shared tips, advice, stories, books.
One person can't meet all your needs...as you've mentioned in your post about your fiance not really paying attention to you. Why settle? If you're in love with multiple people, it's no one else's right to question that love.
My advice is to find other people you can connect with and talk to who do follow this lifestyle. You will be a lot more confident and reassured knowing you're not "crazy" for wanting to establish multiple loving relations with different people
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