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Its been just over a year since my first and only LSD experience, but the impression it has left on my waking life is no less than it was a day after the last time I took the substance.
A little background is first necessary before I delve into the long story that this trip report will undoubetdly become. I was 19 years old at the time, and not exaclty new to altered states of conciousness. I had experienced mushrooms four times previously, ecstasy numerous times, nitrous oxide, speed and smoked weed almost every day. I was also at a stage in my life where I wasnt quite sure of quite who I was in the world, and as I later realized not very aware or "awake" in the buddhist sense.
My experience on LSD in first semester holidays of my second year of uni was to change all that in a dramatic way. A friend of mine, who I had always considered a close friend, had obtained some trips and we set a day for us both to trip together. We had mushroom experiences and ecstasy experiences together in the past, and I figured that I was ready for whatever LSD was going to throw at me.
We took two blotters each at around 11:00am in the morning, at my house. (I share a house with some uni friends), and sat around on the verandah in the sun waiting for it to come on. About 15 minutes of cigarettes and idle chatter passed before we decided to walk to the shops and get some juice and something to eat. The trip to the shops passed uneventfully, and we return to my house approximately half an hour later, still with no noticeable effects. We decided to put on some music (radiohead - amnesiac) and sit in the loungeroom listening to it. I started to notice a mild alteration of perception, and a slight lethargy come over me. My friend was noticing similar. The music also started to sound different, and If I closed my eyes I could almost feel myself melting into the couch.
After listening to the music for a while we decided to venture outside to explore. By this time my perceptions were heavily altered, with everything taking on that unexplainable look that only a trip can cause. I remember walking past my neighbours house and being unable to stop myself from laughing at the strangeness of the plants in his front garden. We walked the streets for a while, laughing and "exploring" the normally familiar neighbourhood, that had taken on a whole different apperance due to the LSD. I remember thinking that the arrangement of plants in everyones gardens looked so fake and aritifical. That the choatic expression of nature had somehow been curtailed with this strange arrangements of plants all in neat little rows, and assortment of plants that would never be found in similar locations in the wild.
Somewhere at about this point in time, I started to have an uncontrollable flood of instrospective thoughts, from what must have been my subconcious. We made it back to my house, and I was begining to feel quite anxious, edgy and generally negative. I smoked a few cones with my friend, and although I was momentarily amused by the whole action of smoking, and the noveltly of the bong, the weed didnt seem to have any effect on the experience at all. The introspective cascade that was beginning centred around issues from my subconcious that I had been suppressing. The issues were ones that plagued my life (and probably most peoples lives), but I would normally refuse to acknowledge at a concious level. They were surfacing at a rapid rate and I was being forced to accept them, and deal with them. It was very stressful and I felt like my mind was being contorted and twisted. At the same time that these issues emerged, it was like I was able to look at them from a point of view semi removed from my ego. The same ego that would have normally prevented me from acknowledging the issues to begin with. The issues consisted of worries, fears, obsessions, subconcious motivations, etc that would all normally, day to day, be operating somewhere in the background of my psyche, but the LSD had magnified them 1000000 times so that they were unescapable. At this point I was feeling very anxious, uncomfortable and stressed, and to an extent had tuned out to my friend and was only paying minor attention to external events. (Although not significant to my trip "experience" we did stuff like watch cartoons, surf trippy websites, listent to music, play computer games etc).
My friend had to leave at around 11:00pm, because he had to work the next day, and while the peak of the experience was over, I was still tripping. When he left, I was at home on my own, and whatever external things were providing slight destractions on the introspective cataclysm I was going through, were now totally gone.
At this point I ended up wandering into the bathroom and caught myself staring into the mirror.. Through will, I was able to change how my reflection appeared, from ugly to beautiful, from young to old, and I eventually I realised the triviality of external appearance. I was beautiful, we all are beautiful, and suddenly one of the great weights on my mind, that of a concern for body image and self appearance was totally lifted. What was the importance of apperance, if we all loved each other for who we truly were at heart. I got this notion that true love transcended appearance, and while body image seemed to be something that modern society places such a premium on, in the end it counts for nothing. This had special significance for me because previous to this I had been into working out / muscle building and while tripping I almost felt disgusted with myself when I looked on my body. The muscle I had worked so hard for seemed wrong. I was able to totally see the motivations behind my actions, that I was aiming to improve my appearance so that I was more fitting to the modern notion of "attractive", but what was the point of that? If I was in a relationship with someone, or more, if I was in a relationship that involved such "true" love, Id surely hope that my physical appearance wasnt that significant.
I decided to write a message to myself, and save it into my mobile phone, so that I could remind myself of it in the future, and generally have it handy as a way of connecting back with the experience that was sure to fade as the drug wore off. I wrote " You are truly loved by someone when you are loved for what you are at heart. Not for what you are trying to be, or for what they want you to be." Within everyone there is a true notion of who they really are. Their "true inner self" as such. In every day life such a notion gets buried in most people by the acting and roleplaying we feel necessary to conduct. Everyone acts in manner that they think other people would want or expect them to act out of the fear that they wont be accepted if they dont. Our big game of acceptance I coined it, everyone constructing a persona that they feel will allow others to accept them. This was also cast aside by the LSD mindstate. I reconnected with my "true self", a child like, fun loving, happy go lucky individual, something that had been semi-buried under a constructed exterior.
I eventually made it to sleep, and the next day when I woke up I was the happiest and most mentally serene Id been in my life. Anything that would have been troubling my mind, preventing me from being happy and free right at the moment was gone! This state of mental tranquility and happiness lasted for a few days, and slowly faded as new issues settled back into the subconcious. My "true self" was somewhat tempered as time passed, but Ive made a concious effort to not let it become completely buried. A few months later this experienced spawned an interest in Buddhism, which ive taken to practising, as a way of training my mind. I firmly believe that through meditation the mental tranquility that I experienced can be cultivated and continued, without the aid of any drug. LSD just showed me that it was possible, and the key to happiness in this world lies in our minds.
Im sorry for such a long winded report, but I felt like sharing this life changing experience. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it.
-------------------- Our problem results from acting like cowboys on a limitless frontier when in truth we inhabit a living spaceship with a finely balanced life-support system." David C. Korton
I know what you mean about the feeling fading. On some trips I can see how I should be living my life. As soon as the trips over it fades and after a few days its completely gone. It's great that you haven't let it slip away.
Your story has enlightened me some what
-------------------- get it all together get like birds of a feather
" You are truly loved by someone when you are loved for what you are at heart. Not for what you are trying to be, or for what they want you to be." Within everyone there is a true notion of who they really are. Their "true inner self" as such. In every day life such a notion gets buried in most people by the acting and roleplaying we feel necessary to conduct. Everyone acts in manner that they think other people would want or expect them to act out of the fear that they wont be accepted if they dont. Our big game of acceptance I coined it, everyone constructing a persona that they feel will allow others to accept them.
We are shaped by others in our life, mostly without knowing it. Psykadeliks break the bonds of what was tought to you as how you should act or think. You 'take your mask off' and for a little while, enjoy freedom with who you really are. Remember that we are eternal beings, this life takes up just the last miniute of our true lifespan.
-------------------- What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?