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OfflineMycowlogist
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Female Feedback Please
    #14796618 - 07/20/11 07:22 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I love my wife and have been married for over 6 years.  But, we have sex less than 8 times a year.  I feel it's because she has issues with her body.  She is overweight and feels she is disgusting, and therefore is very disconnected with her body and sexuality.  I have been trying to help her change so she can be happy with who she is, but I feel she does not make the effort.  What else can I do to help her?  What have you done that has helped you over such hurdles?

Thanks for your feedback. 

Guys I would be more than happy to hear any mature suggestions or feedback.

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things"


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"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."  Honest Abe

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Anonymous #1

Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14796681 - 07/20/11 07:47 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

My wife has a similar issue, however we have sex about 1-2 times a week. She has an issue with her body even though I think she is attractive. The thing is she is comfortable with me and we are best friends so she's probably just is not concerned about me thinking she is overweight or anything. I honestly want her to be in shape but not because I want a skinny trophy wife or because I want her to look more sexy. I want her to be healthy and feel good about herself.

The only thing you can do is love and support her. Have a talk with her outside of the bedroom and explain that you think she is beautiful and that you just want to spend more time with her sexually. Communicating your feelings to HER is going to help both of you. You also need to make sure you send her lots of reinforcing support by teling her how beautiful she is and that you love her.

I feel bad for you both right now because I have an idea about what you are going through

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OfflineSeussA
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14796695 - 07/20/11 07:58 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I once heard a joke that unfortunately is very true for a lot of people... After you get married, for the first year, put a penny in a jar every time you have sex.  After the first year, remove a penny from the jar every time that you have sex.  The jar will never empty.

> Guys I would be more than happy to hear any mature suggestions or feedback.

Communication is key.  Let her know what you want, and ask he what she wants.  Think back to what it was like when you first started dating; the things you did for her, the way you treated her, etc.  Try to rebuild those things, making her feel special rather than taking her for granted.  (I'm not judging here, we all tend to take our partners for granted after years together.)  Talk and rebuild the relationship.  Do what you can to make her feel special.


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Just another spore in the wind.

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InvisibleSillyMe
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14796842 - 07/20/11 09:10 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Mycowlogist said:
I feel it's because she has issues with her body.




But what does she feel? Have you talked with her in depth about it?

There is not going to be one simple answer to this.

Has her physical appearance changed drastically since you've been together? Are you still attracted to her? Do you tell her?

Do you have children? Did you used to have lots of sex? If so, is it just the past year that it has diminished? Does she still express her love for you in other ways? Does she seemed depressed in general?

I've went through a few bouts of severe depression over the course of my life. I was very good at hiding it from friends and coworkers. My ex was pretty blind to it cause he didn't want to see it. I eventually flat out told him. But during those times I put on weight - there was a direct correlation - and being depressed can decrease one's sex drive. Unfortunately so can the meds that help depression. For me it was much deeper though as I was unhappy in my marriage. That was a very difficult thing for me to face. I'm not saying that is the case with you two, just that that was my experience.

For me, age has also played a part in body issues. I was much harder on myself when I was young which is funny cause I had a really great body in my 20s but constantly saw myself as fat.

Keep in mind that "I want you to be healthy" can possibly translate to "you don't look good enough for me" in a woman's mind if her mind is not in a good place. I would suggest trying to get her to do more active things with you and start off slow and simple like just taking walks together.


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Oh, wind and rain they haunt me. Look to the North and pray.
Send me, please, his kisses. Send them home today.
I'm begging, Jesus, please. Send his love to me.

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OfflineMycowlogist
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: SillyMe]
    #14796922 - 07/20/11 09:36 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I feel it's because she has issues with her body.




But what does she feel? Have you talked with her in depth about it?
She has always struggled with her weight issues since she was 16 or so.  She feels she cannot do anything about it because her mom has the same issues.  I think she feels helpless and has given up trying.  I think she finds comfort in food.  I can cook for her, I have offered to help, but she hasn't quite committed to making a change.

There is not going to be one simple answer to this.

Has her physical appearance changed drastically since you've been together? Are you still attracted to her? Do you tell her?

She may have lost a pound or two since we since met.  Hell yeah I am still attracted to her!  She knows that she rocks my world, and I love her body

Do you have children? NoDid you used to have lots of sex? In the first year we did If so, is it just the past year that it has diminished? Past 3 years it has greatly diminished Does she still express her love for you in other ways? Yes, but she is not as affectionate as I am, she finds the little things in a relationship to focus on.  Holding hands, kissing (pecking really), there is no passion, or desire from her Does she seemed depressed in general?  I don't think she is depressed, but she could be more outgoing and energetic.

I've went through a few bouts of severe depression over the course of my life. I was very good at hiding it from friends and coworkers. My ex was pretty blind to it cause he didn't want to see it. I eventually flat out told him. But during those times I put on weight - there was a direct correlation - and being depressed can decrease one's sex drive. Unfortunately so can the meds that help depression. For me it was much deeper though as I was unhappy in my marriage. That was a very difficult thing for me to face. I'm not saying that is the case with you two, just that that was my experience.

For me, age has also played a part in body issues. I was much harder on myself when I was young which is funny cause I had a really great body in my 20s but constantly saw myself as fat.

Wow, thank you for sharing that with me.  I think you bring up a good point

Keep in mind that "I want you to be healthy" can possibly translate to "you don't look good enough for me" in a woman's mind if her mind is not in a good place. I would suggest trying to get her to do more active things with you and start off slow and simple like just taking walks together.




I agree with the "healthy crap".  It's not that, I am concerned about her health.  She already has an increased cholesterol numbers, higher blood sugar, and I could see heart issues due to her body shape (enlarged heart issues).  It sounds selfish, but I don't want to spend my life with someone who ignores themselves to such extent.  I really want her to change for her self.

I have offered to do things for her, but I know the type of commitment that is needed and she does not have it.  It is a disappointment.  I feel she takes our relationship for granted.  I don't want to leave her because I know she won't change and she is really a great person and she deserves to experience what she can really be.


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"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."  Honest Abe

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Offlineclaraclairvoyant
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14799953 - 07/20/11 08:03 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

I didn't read the other responses so sorry if I'm regurgitating suggestions but you should make an effort to be active together. Go on hikes together, ride bikes, play tennis together etc. That way it seems more like something fun for you to do together rather than you telling her to exercise.


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Offlinenaturesrevolt
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: claraclairvoyant]
    #14800169 - 07/20/11 08:45 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

If you want to get her to exercise, do it with her. If you want her to feel better about her body, compliment the parts she still finds sexy. Also note that getting most girls revved up for some action isn't like a boner, where it's like BAM, cum get some; it's more like an all day anticipation/revving up event. The sex being the culmination of all the sexy teasing and playfulness of the day.

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OfflineMycowlogist
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: naturesrevolt]
    #14801726 - 07/21/11 04:44 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

naturesrevolt said:
If you want to get her to exercise, do it with her. If you want her to feel better about her body, compliment the parts she still finds sexy. Also note that getting most girls revved up for some action isn't like a boner, where it's like BAM, cum get some; it's more like an all day anticipation/revving up event. The sex being the culmination of all the sexy teasing and playfulness of the day.



 

Wow...  What a good point!  "it's more like an all day anticipation"  I can see how she would react to something like that.  Thank you!  I wouldn't have thought of that, I will definitely work with that.


--------------------
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."  Honest Abe

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InvisibleAnnapurna1
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14803111 - 07/21/11 12:42 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)


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OfflineHumility
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Annapurna1]
    #14804534 - 07/21/11 05:41 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:


I love my wife and have been married for over 6 years.  But, we have sex less than 8 times a year.


 


This is a situation because you've made it a situation.


For me, this is *beyond* unacceptable.  I would either be having sex with other women openly or she would have to change immediately.


SO the bitch is fat?  Who cares?  Tell her you don't care and that you're still interested.  If that doesn't work, TELL HER (don't ask her) that you're going to be working out together a few (READ: 3+, exercise only works if it's consistent) times a week.


Stop letting her go shopping by herself ever.  Go shopping together.  MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS about what you put in your shopping cart.  If it can be eaten without preparation (THE MICROWAVE IS NOT PREPARATION) then it doesn't go in the cart.



Losing weight is easy and fun.  I wish I were fat so I could lose it all again.  Within a year I've developed an 8 pack.


Get her a kettlebell and go to the park together 3 times a week and moderate your food intake.



Tell her you're going to exercise but she won't have to run or jog even a step.  Then let that kettlebell work her ass to death.

She might develop into a dime piece sexy ass bitch with thick thighs and shapely calves if ya'll do this right.


No matter what, this is a toxic situation.  I literally could not imagine seeing someone every day and having sex with them less than once a month.  That's not the kind of relationship I'd ever be interested in ever.


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OfflineMycowlogist
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Humility]
    #14807229 - 07/22/11 07:16 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

Humility said:
Quote:


I love my wife and have been married for over 6 years.  But, we have sex less than 8 times a year.


 


This is a situation because you've made it a situation.


For me, this is *beyond* unacceptable.  I would either be having sex with other women openly or she would have to change immediately.


SO the bitch is fat?  Who cares?  Tell her you don't care and that you're still interested.  If that doesn't work, TELL HER (don't ask her) that you're going to be working out together a few (READ: 3+, exercise only works if it's consistent) times a week.


Stop letting her go shopping by herself ever.  Go shopping together.  MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS about what you put in your shopping cart.  If it can be eaten without preparation (THE MICROWAVE IS NOT PREPARATION) then it doesn't go in the cart.



Losing weight is easy and fun.  I wish I were fat so I could lose it all again.  Within a year I've developed an 8 pack.


Get her a kettlebell and go to the park together 3 times a week and moderate your food intake.



Tell her you're going to exercise but she won't have to run or jog even a step.  Then let that kettlebell work her ass to death.

She might develop into a dime piece sexy ass bitch with thick thighs and shapely calves if ya'll do this right.


No matter what, this is a toxic situation.  I literally could not imagine seeing someone every day and having sex with them less than once a month.  That's not the kind of relationship I'd ever be interested in ever.





Your assumptions are incorrect.  You do bring up a some points, and I appreciate the passion of your writing.  I agree with you, loosing weight is easy, some of us don't have a problem.  Unfortunately you are completely focusing in the physical aspect of the issue and completely ignoring the psychological and emotional aspect.  When you are in a real relationship and are truly devoted to someone, you do everything you can to help each other.  I love her and want her to change for her own good.


--------------------
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."  Honest Abe

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Anonymous #2

Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14825389 - 07/26/11 12:00 AM (12 years, 7 months ago)

From a female perspective-- if I'm ashamed of how I look, it manifests itself the most when I know I'm being looked at, by the person who matters most to me.

For example, if I see myself I'm a fat ugly whale, I'm pretty sure you see me as a fat ugly whale. (You won't be able to convince me otherwise, no matter what you say) Then I'm going to be afraid of that situation in which these feelings of shame come up (ie sexual relations).

If you make efforts to exercise with me, share in active activities with me, I will know that deep down, you want to help me (and help our relationship) by encouraging me to lose weight. Well-intentioned as you may be, if I can't achieve this weight loss, no matter how much of a gentleman you are to me... I will still blame myself and deepen my feelings of shame and guilt and self-loathing. It's a vicious cycle.

So, what to do? Us girls are complicated... it sucks believe me. I'm sorry it hurts the people who love us most.

Without knowing her personally-- I could suggest that the best thing you could try, would be to focus on the emotional aspect of physical intimacy.

Sex is a physical AND emotional thing, each playing off each other... as I'm sure you know.

After all, (traditionally anyway) one only gets to the physical intimacy part after a period of becoming emotionally/spiritually secure with their partner. I think its that emotional foundation that you have control over, and that's where you can affect some change. They rest is really up to her-- whether or not she'll get over her insecurities and trust that you love her, as it seems you do-- that's her own journey on her own schedule.

I'm kind of in a similar situation... in a three year relationship and I get laid once a month (if I'm lucky). Being unfaithful is not an option... I love him too much. Even though we both know our flaccid sex life is directly linked to his relentless dope habit. :sad:

Oh and one more thing that in my personal experience plays a big part in female self-esteem-- who are her friends? What does she do for work? Who is her role model? What are her interests?

Because, once, I made a huge change in my life-- different environment, different friends, different goals and aspirations. I used to be an anorexic/bulimic psycho who counted every calorie til I wasted away, but now that stuff never crosses my mind anymore. I do know, however, if I reverted to my old lifestyle and social circles, those body image issues would bounce right back. Just a thought-- if you suspect at all that her environment contributes to her low self-esteem and inability to open up to you, try coaxing her away from those triggers. Take her on a big adventure.

Good luck to you bro, you seem like a nice guy and I hope you and your wife persevere onward.

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OfflineHumility
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #14827346 - 07/26/11 12:35 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

(You won't be able to convince me otherwise, no matter what you say)





I don't deal with people like this.

Like I said, toxic.


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Offlinepothead_bob
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: Mycowlogist]
    #14827421 - 07/26/11 12:58 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

hypnotherapy for two reasons: 1) to motivate her to make changes in her physical appearance instead of just bitching about it and 2) to locate and reacquaint her with the sexual beast ego-state that she has repressed within herself.


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No knowledge can be certain, if it is not based
upon mathematics or upon some other knowledge
which is itself based upon the mathematical
sciences.
  -Leonardo da Vinci (1425-1519)

Speak well of your enemies.  After all, you made them.

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OfflineSKrink
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Re: Female Feedback Please [Re: pothead_bob]
    #14827479 - 07/26/11 01:09 PM (12 years, 7 months ago)

Quote:

pothead_bob said:
hypnotherapy for two reasons: 1) to motivate her to make changes in her physical appearance instead of just bitching about it and 2) to locate and reacquaint her with the sexual beast ego-state that she has repressed within herself.




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