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OfflinemotamanM
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Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 6,047
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Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses
    #1466702 - 04/17/03 09:00 AM (20 years, 11 months ago)

http://www.princeton.edu/~pauper/02-03-12/plumber.htm


Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Possession


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Princeton, NJ ? A local man was arrested Saturday night outside the Princeton WaWa. The man, a self proclaimed plumber and general home repairman, was found outside the 24 hour food mart on Saturday night with a bag of mushrooms illegal for their hallucinogenic effects.

?He kept telling me he needed the mushrooms so that he could go kill a giant dinosaur that was sleeping with his girlfriend,? said one woman, who added that the alleged plumber?s thick Italian accent made conversation exceptionally difficult. ?He insisted that the mushrooms gave him super powers.?

At around midnight the plumber entered the WaWa and demanded to see a manager, claiming he had a desperate need for ?magical flowers? that would allow him to fight evil. When told that the WaWa did not sell flowers, the man became enraged, and in his fury he used a lighter to set an employees hair into flames.

?Actually, I thought it was kind of cool,? said the employee, who wished to remain nameless.

The manager, however, was not as pleased. ?When customers come to buy, they?ll no longer have the comfort of knowing that the WaWa has been accident free for 738 days,? she said. ?These damned hippies, what with their flower power and their narcotics abuse?I mean, lord knows I've had my fun, but we?ve all got to grow up some time.?

This is the seventh time in as many weeks that the unidentified plumber has used a hallucinogenic drug to rescue his girlfriend from the same dinosaur. This apparently involves a trek through a series of two-dimensional castles and green pipes. The short, overweight man blamed his mushroom addiction on the physically demanding nature of this journey, telling witnesses: "I'ma too small without the mushroom! The mushrooms makea me strong and tall, capisce?!"

He always does this," commented Miss Peach, the man?s alleged girlfriend. "He rescues me from fire breathing antagonists, and sure, I'm thankful, but afterwards it?s always sex, sex, sex. I mean, sure I?m glad he rescued me, but that doesn?t mean I'm obligated to put out every night. I just get a little tired. My dinosaur fetish is really just a passing phase?it's my desperate cry for attention.?

The man?s court appointed lawyer, Mr. Yoshi, made the following response: ?My client wishes to state that for the record, he never requested sexual favors in return for services rendered. Furthermore, my client received very little from Miss Peach aside from the occasional baked cake and kiss on the cheek.?

?Frankly,? he added, ?I find her to be a bit of a prude.?




--------------------
http://heffter.org

Edited by motaman (11/06/03 09:47 PM)

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Offlinediggitydankman
No longer aCannabisConnoisseur

Registered: 12/10/02
Posts: 479
Loc: Michgan
Last seen: 20 years, 11 months
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1466997 - 04/17/03 11:07 AM (20 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

'Actually, I thought it was kind of cool,' said the employee, who wished to remain nameless.




Hahaha. this would be me in the situation. I was begining to take it seriously until this
Quote:

"I'ma too small without the mushroom!




--------------------
"It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD."

Maynard James Keenan, Tool

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Anonymous

Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1468365 - 04/17/03 07:09 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

this is a joke man. they're talking about mario. i know it was probably a mistake, but don't post fake news here please.

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Invisiblez@z.com
Libertarian
Registered: 10/13/02
Posts: 2,876
Loc: ATL
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Pos [Re: ]
    #1468485 - 04/17/03 08:06 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

I read through the entire thing and didn't notice it was a joke. About an hour later it hit me and I had a good laugh.


--------------------
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." - C.S. Lewis

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniencies attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." - Thomas Jefferson

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OfflinemotamanM
old hand
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Registered: 12/18/02
Posts: 6,047
Last seen: 7 days, 22 hours
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: ]
    #1468501 - 04/17/03 08:10 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

this is a joke man. they're talking about mario. i know it was probably a mistake, but don't post fake news here please.






What is The Princeton Pauper?

The Princeton Pauper is an online satire publication. There is no real schedule to our release dates - the length of time between issues varies in inverse proportion to our school workload and as a square function of our beer intake. This especially applies to Gabe, our resident pissed-drunk Pittsburghian.




--------------------
http://heffter.org

Edited by motaman (11/06/03 09:46 PM)

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Offlinediggitydankman
No longer aCannabisConnoisseur

Registered: 12/10/02
Posts: 479
Loc: Michgan
Last seen: 20 years, 11 months
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1468681 - 04/17/03 09:17 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

I appreciate the humor as this forum does tend to get a bit dull sometimes, :grin:.  Please do not quit with the consistant news articles as I find them informative and helpful. 


--------------------
"It's only wrong if you get caught.
If consequences dictate
my course of action
I should play GOD."

Maynard James Keenan, Tool

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Anonymous

Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1468853 - 04/17/03 10:30 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

would you rather me not post here.?..

definitely keep posting man. your news stories make this forum.

i'm just saying we can do without this tabloid shite. but whatever.

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InvisibleGGreatOne234
Stranger
Registered: 12/23/99
Posts: 8,946
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1473092 - 04/19/03 11:54 AM (20 years, 11 months ago)

:shocked: :shocked: :shocked: :shocked:

:smile: :smile: :grin: Funny.

Keep shroomin,
GG 

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OfflineHidingInPlainSight
Male User Gallery
Registered: 01/27/03
Posts: 2,077
Loc: Oklahoma City , OK, USA
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: motaman]
    #1476639 - 04/20/03 02:36 PM (20 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

the man became enraged, and in his fury he used a lighter to set an employees hair into flames.





^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ahahahahahahahahaahah.. my favorite part of the entire story.

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OfflineDailyPot
Trip'n Time

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 2,207
Loc: Florida
Last seen: 18 years, 1 month
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: HidingInPlainSight]
    #2089720 - 11/10/03 02:48 PM (20 years, 4 months ago)

Wow, that was a pretty crazy story... Took abit before I figured it HAD to be a joke.

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OfflineMadtowntripper
Sun-Beams out of Cucumbers
 User Gallery

Registered: 03/06/03
Posts: 21,287
Loc: The Ocean of Notions
Last seen: 7 months, 21 days
Re: (OLD) Local Plumber Arrested on Charges of Narcotics Posses [Re: DailyPot]
    #2100924 - 11/13/03 08:59 AM (20 years, 4 months ago)

I wasnt sure it was a joke for awhile either...I could myself standing outside the grocery store in the middle of the night with a bag full of mushies screaming about a dragon...Not so far fetched...


--------------------
After one comes, through contact with it's administrators, no longer to cherish greatly the law as a remedy in abuses, then the bottle becomes a sovereign means of direct action.  If you cannot throw it at least you can always drink out of it.  - Ernest Hemingway

If it is life that you feel you are missing I can tell you where to find it.  In the law courts, in business, in government.  There is nothing occurring in the streets. Nothing but a dumbshow composed of the helpless and the impotent.    -Cormac MacCarthy

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.  - Aeschylus

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