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I think I'm messed up now for life. Anytime I read or hear of Meth it just makes me sick at my stomach... it makes me mad and sad and sick all at the same time cuz someone I really loved and cared about is ruined because of it. She'll never be the same, I'll never have her back. And now it's all I ever think about... I was doing SO GOOD and getting over her... then she just showed up at my new apt one day and told me she loves me and is sorry, she's going to quit, going to go to NA meetings, etc... then we started talking again... then she's just back to the same shit. I try to get her to come live with me for a few weeks-nothing permanant-so she can get out of the little rural meth-infested town for a bit, but she refuses to even come visit for an afternoon. The past few days have been real bad. She won't answer her phone when i call, won't return my voice mails or text msgs. I finally got a hold of her tonight, and I had to call her work. she claims her phone isn't getting good service, and she never received any of my voicemails or text msgs, but i heard it ring in the background while I was on the phone with her. And she did reply to a couple txt msgs after she got off the phone with me. I could tell she was tweaked by the way she was talking. I hope I'm not as stupid as she thinks I am.
My head tells me to let go, but my heart wants to be there for her when she crashes down, it just won't let me, I'm naive and stupid and i think everyone has good in them that I can bring out, I still have fucking faith in her that she'll quit... and she doesn't even acknowledge that, she doesn't even realise that anyone else would have gave up a long time ago. but here I still am, waiting ever so patiently for her to get her shit straightened out while she crushes my heart everyday, and I go through mental hell everyday. I'm like those beaten women who still stay with their abusive husbands cuz they think they'll change. She does abuse me-mentally-but i take it. Sometimes I just want to tell her that I give up. and I do sometimes. then she breaks down and tells me she needs me and I get scared and I cave-because I know what it feels like to be down and have nobody-and I never want anyone to be in that position, i want her to know I'm there for her... everyone else has given up on her... but not me. and I want to but I can't... I can't have that on my conscious that I let her down-even though she let's me down on a daily basis.
It would be so much easier if I could find someone else... but it's just impossible... it's fucking hopeless.
Why does God hate me? I am the most unselfish person and yet I am always lonely...
With your current girlfriend- ultimatum time; you or the meth. If she ever smokes it again, she never sees you again, you've got to make it that simple.
And since you've had so many problems with tweakers- indeed in my own experience they're all unreliable fuckups that are going nowhere but down and bringing everyone down with them- my recommendation is to just make that a non-negotiable personal rule for the future.
And long term suggestion- we've said it before- get the fuck out of Oklahoma. Move to the west coast; California, Oregon or Washington. Better weather, better scenery, better attitude. Way more lesbians, cute ones without mullets- (in fact most of our 'straight' girls wouldn't write you off if some alcohol was involved...) and way less meth. It's not popular here at all, and you find a lot of people who do pretty much every drug but that. Or get out of the country and go to Canada or Australia... Wherever you go, just get out of there before you give up and grow yourself a mullet and start smoking crystal.