| Home | Community | Message Board |
|
You are not signed in. Sign In New Account | Forum Index Search Posts Trusted Vendors Highlights Galleries FAQ User List Chat Store Random Growery » |
This site includes paid links. Please support our sponsors.
|
| Shop: |
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 06/07/11 Posts: 10 Last seen: 12 years, 7 months |
| ||||||
|
I've gotten into one of those phases where I have to try to express myself as much and as best I can to hopefully find some way to relate my current self to something "real" enough to keep my sense of self level, so here I am. I'm naturally a more emotional/feeling based person rather than a rational/logical person, but of course those all overlap each other. Keeping that in mind, remember that anything I say is not meant to assume any truths, but to consider the possibility of infinite truths. I tend to get caught up in myself and I may word things poorly. So, just know that this is all merely what I personally consider, experience, believe, deny or whatever else etc. and is all far from static. Hopefully somebody will relate and reply. I feel like most people here are pretty open. This is going to be pretty long...don't read if you don't want to. You may think I'm talking nonsense.
For as long as I can remember I have felt/noticed/experienced things that most other people can't relate to at all. When I was very young I would say 'guck' for everything from physical things to feelings to intentions and it took me a lot longer than most kids to learn words and even when I did I had trouble. I couldn't say certain letters right, I stuttered, sometimes I just could not comprehend some words or could not find the right words to accurately express things. I was over that by 4th grade, but even now I occasionally notice certain things about how I handle language "incorrectly". My first significant experience happened when I was 6 years old. My older brother moved into his own room and I got the room we had been sharing to myself. Even when I was very young I kept to myself but I was still very codependent, so this was a big deal for me at the time. It was different and terrifying to me at that age. One night, after I had been struggling to sleep alone for a couple of months, I decided I was going to force myself to stay a whole night in my bed alone. I got extremely scared and decided to pray to comfort myself (I grew up attending the Mormon church with everyone in my family except my dad, who had very opposing views, and I attended until I was 14.) I had a prayer that I said basically the same way every night which was basically exactly what my mom said every night when we prayed out loud together and this night it jumped out at me. I remember realizing that I was just saying the same thing each night and it made me even more uneasy. I cowered under the blankets feeling like there was nothing I could do now that praying didn't comfort me and then I experienced this very intense feeling. I felt like I was surrounded by every person in the world, past, present and future. I didn't see faces or hear voices, I just felt what I knew to be people, and I felt that some of them were dead or not alive yet. Call them souls, a collective consciousness or whatever else. I don't know. I may have even passed out before this point, but it was all very real to me and it still is. I remember it being the night that I was no longer afraid of the dark. The only people I specifically remember feeling was my already deceased grandparents. I didn't remember this experience completely until I was 14 and felt the exact same thing again when my youngest brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor at age 4. I felt it in the intention just before I prayed and it all came back to me suddenly. I fought to avoid church. My mom would incessantly shake me, yell right in my face or pour cold water on me when I would refuse to wake up for church. I got to where I wouldn't let it phase me and I would just take it until she eventually gave up. I became very bitter and claimed to be an atheist. I was a real douche until I turned 18 when my oldest sister suffocated in her sleep after a night of carelessly abusing methadone and wine. She was the first child (oldest child, so yeah) in my family to experiment with drugs and when she passed away I fell into this deep existential despair. Nothing mattered, I was alone and nobody understood, blah blah blah. I started experimenting with drugs myself in an attempt to understand my sister and what her passing meant, if anything, but I went about it all wrong. I did it as a challenge pretty much thinking, "Well, if I die it won't matter and if something else happens I'll understand.", but I still really believed it didn't matter and why even bother living? Not exactly suicidal but it's a pretty fine line. Methadone was the first thing I tried, for obvious but stupid reasons. I hate the way it made me feel and it kind of scared me into a different state of mind. I became comfortable with feeling like everything is nothing, nothing is everything because now anything was possible no matter how probable. I found life exciting and loved every second of it. I became very open, very caring, very honest, very peaceful and very fulfilled. After that became normal, although not boring, I felt the need to push myself further. Still 18, I started smoking and taking pain pills on occasion. I was still far from reckless and didn't really do much of anything. Pills have always felt dirty somehow but pot has always felt very natural and it really changed a lot of things for me. It showed me things I hadn't had any experience with before, and I was in such a positive place already it was very beneficial in my opinion. Right around the time I turned 20 I fell into a strange relationship. It was incredible how well things worked out when we were in each others' lives but, long story (in the middle of a really long story) short, tons of crazy shit happened and we were forced to completely cut off contact with each other (she wasn't 18 and her parents got involved which ultimately lead to a personal falling out between us). While that was going on this girl told me she has a life threatening heart condition and she doesn't know how long she has, so when we are forced apart I start to lose my fucking mind. I know it sounds cliche and nobody ever really completely understands those connections between other people, but our connection at the most basic level has been the most significant experience of my life this far. I know it could suddenly mean nothing before I even realize it, but I also know what it means to me right now and it meant to me then. This was when I really let myself go. I started doing whatever I could to get away from my own thoughts and I did it constantly. I tripped shrooms and smoked salvia but I ended up settling mostly on spice and CCC's because it's legal and so easily attainable. I got to where I was smoking 5 grams of that shit literally every day (roughly $40 dollars each day for spice) and I would take CCC's regularly, but not nearly as often. While this was going on I quickly lost track of time, I didn't work when I would actually show up (luckily I'm good friends and band mates with my boss at the time) and eventually couldn't tell the difference between my dreams and my waking life. There is a 2-3 month period during which this took place that just doesn't exist to me anymore. I still bring things up that I vividly remember only to find out it didn't actually happen, or at least not in the same reality. I smoked some spice while driving one time, two weeks after I read an article about that particular brand causing paralysis, and it happened to me as I was crossing the median of a four lane road. I got t-boned and totaled my car, then immediately after that I got fired for missing days and being obviously fucked up at work all the time. I fell a little deeper until one night I smoked until I couldn't feel my limbs again. I knew I was too high so I turned on some soothing music and tried to get some bread and water just to feel like I was doing something about it if nothing else. When I went to the kitchen I suddenly didn't know where I was and I hit the floor in minor convulsions. I was only about 6 feet from where I slept so I made it to my bed and tried to tough it out. It got worse until my heart started beating irregularly, and each time it skipped I felt an intense pain like my heart was collapsing in on itself. 20 minutes of that progressed to my vision and hearing completely fading each time it skipped until I was bawling, unable to move aside from the random uncontrolled twitch, fading away thinking I was on the verge of dying and this was going to be my last few minutes of life. I had the whole "flash before your eyes" and then felt that same thing I felt the night that I was no longer afraid of the dark and during the time that my brother was fighting his brain tumor. Now, I feel very intense things constantly when I'm conscious. I'm not shy at all anymore, but I have trouble making eye contact because I see myself in all people and it's too much. I still have trouble with language sometimes because it's always been so strange to me. I communicate more on an unspoken level. I have flashbacks of memories or dreams, some of which I can't actually pin down to anything solid, which I can see like a translucent picture over what I'm actually seeing, usually when I return to a place that triggers it for me. Every day from time to time I see little black specs, not on my eye or layered over my vision at all, that grow into these semi-large rifts. I say rift because I FEEL these holes while I see them, and they feel like absolute emptiness. They don't make ME feel empty, but I can feel them somehow and I don't even know how to explain it. I've had dreams about things before they happen way too often, I feel when things are going to change and depending on my mood at the time it might scare the hell out of me or it might make me feel like I have the advantage to mold things into the way I would like them to be. But I drive myself crazy wondering what these feelings mean, if I cause them to happen, if I'm experiencing something that's always there just normally not as apparent and on what level do I really have free will at all considering how often I get these overwhelming feelings? Any thoughts or similar experiences?
| |||||||
|
Wanderer Registered: 12/16/06 Posts: 17,856 Last seen: 8 hours, 33 minutes |
| ||||||
|
Sounds like a wild ride. Where are you now?
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
| |||||||
|
Stranger Registered: 06/07/11 Posts: 10 Last seen: 12 years, 7 months |
| ||||||
|
I'm still in that last section, but I'm usually much more comfortable with it now. The only thing I haven't learned to control or ignore is when I start seeing those rifts. That still scares me and makes me wonder if I've done irreparable damage to myself, or if I'm really even damaged at all and not just changed. Lately I feel a big change that may or may not have started to happen already. About a month ago I started feeling it and I knew something big was going to happen, but I don't know what it is, when it will happen or if it will be positive or negative. At this point I even have to wonder if feeling this change and attempting to understand it is what causes what I'm feeling in the first place and if that's the difference between it being a positive or a negative experience. It almost feels like I exist 90% in my mind for a while and the 10% left over gets my physical body through the days and other times I exist 10% in my mind to get my mind through the days and 90% in my body to try to understand myself, and I have moments where I realize I'm making the shift and I'm able to learn about myself from it. I've found myself existing in those moments more and more, which is what I think I want, but I know I have to be careful or I could probably mess myself up a lot more, if that makes sense.
Right now I'm in one of the 90% mind 10% body phases and I feel like there is something I'm supposed to figure out now to put into use when I'm between myself or I'm mostly body again. I'm just a little scared to really do anything right now because I can't feel what I think I need to do and I don't want to unknowingly cause some trouble for myself and/or others. Discussing it is the best way to figure it out and also the best way to fuck things up, so it's always a weird place to be. I often wonder if when I experience de ja vu, dream or have flash backs and even anything I've done in the past or will do that is not in this moment I'm actually seeing into another dimension. The dreams I had while I was lost completely for those couple months always started the same, but were different. I would wake up in my dream thinking, "Man, good thing that was just a dream." and I would do regular ass shit throughout a dream day until I got to the big thing. It always led me to a memory I had with that girl. The dreams were first person, in color (though the colors seemed more dull, maybe?) and I had conscious thought. I would relive the memory feeling like something bad was about to happen and I was given the opportunity to change it. As soon as I thought about that I would experience something small that did not feel the same as the vague memory and it would jump out at me. The one I had the most was once when this girl was walking me up her stairs for the first time she mentioned having an odd number of stairs because she is really OCD and it bothers her. She has 13 steps in her house but in my dreams she would never mention it and there were 14 stairs. I would stop her and ask her why she had more steps than normal and why she didn't stop and say something, I would count them and she would start looking at me like something was very wrong. She'd ask what was going on and it felt like she could see and feel me fading away, then I would be in this huge empty nothing, running infinitely in no direction crying and trying to hold on to the dream, then I would wake up and think, "Man, good thing that was just a dream." Edited by Petey Wheatstraw (06/07/11 04:00 PM)
| |||||||
| |||||||
| Shop: |
|
| Similar Threads | Poster | Views | Replies | Last post | ||
![]() |
does a "Bad experience" make subsequent exps. bad? | 1,334 | 9 | 11/14/02 07:46 PM by Strumpling | ||
![]() |
more thoughts | 886 | 17 | 11/16/02 09:08 PM by David_Scape | ||
![]() |
Thoughts | 1,046 | 8 | 02/09/02 04:59 PM by BigYetti | ||
![]() |
Christian Spiritual Experiences ( |
4,322 | 23 | 12/11/01 06:44 AM by LOBO | ||
![]() |
Telepathic experiences? ( |
6,912 | 66 | 09/26/02 08:49 PM by Swami | ||
![]() |
Carlos Castaneda, thoughts anyone? ( |
7,367 | 47 | 07/18/10 04:21 PM by OrgoneConclusion | ||
![]() |
Enneagram - system of personality type... | 1,446 | 10 | 12/09/02 09:12 PM by 3eyedgod | ||
![]() |
A taste of the UFO experience? ( |
4,219 | 41 | 07/08/02 06:55 PM by Shroomalicious |
| Extra information | ||
| You cannot start new topics / You cannot reply to topics HTML is disabled / BBCode is enabled Moderator: Middleman, DividedQuantum 359 topic views. 1 members, 11 guests and 5 web crawlers are browsing this forum. [ Show Images Only | Sort by Score | Print Topic ] | ||


