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OfflineHeffy
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Registered: 08/30/04
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Mosis]
    #14564730 - 06/05/11 01:41 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Giving up on life at 23 is a bad decision.
It's like forfeiting a hockey game before the first period is even over.

I can empathize with many of the things you say, as I have crippling social anxiety, and have had periods in my life where my only respite from depression was drugs.

That being said since you seem to think YOU are the problem. The only thing that will make your life better is to improve yourself. This is pretty hard. It will take several years and you will often feel like you are making no progress.

It's still worth trying.

I advocate this as the only real solution for you since you probably (like me) will never have the guts to carry out your theoretical suicide. This is why you didn't kill yourself yesterday or the day before, and probably wont kill yourself today or tomorrow.


--------------------
I am the king of Rome, and above grammar! - Emperor Sigismund

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InvisibleMosis
miserable cunt
Male

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 169
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: vandago]
    #14565478 - 06/05/11 04:51 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

vandago said:
Quote:

Mosis said:
Quote:

vandago said:
I have eaten 2.7 grams of temazepam in one sitting while drinking beer and still woke up.  All it made me do was black out and call everyone I know cussing at them like a bitch and acting like a total bitch.


Don't opt out of life.  It's not worth it.




yeah i mean i got all that piss drinking and tampon sucking to which to look forward :redwings:

but anyway, i'm fucked up on benzos now (no suicide intended, just a normal dose) and i'm feeling quite calm. that's the thing, though: drugs always make everything seem alright. of course, the next morning i always wake up the same miserable cunt. and when i get my next "fix," i don't know what to do 'cause i feel "hey, it's not so bad after all." vicious cycle.

my social retardation has been with me my entire life. sometimes i think i'm slightly autistic, and definitely have some kind of borderline and/or narcissistic personality disorder. regardless, i don't believe that i can change. how does one replace/control/ignore habits deeply ingrained over 23 years? i don't have faith in the possibility of my own change, and because of this, i don't see that it's worthwhile to try.

i heard some bloke say something like, "too many of us only change when the pain of our current situation exceeds the pain of change." but what if the pain of living trumps both?

i wish someone here would read my rant above

http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/14553169#14553169

and empathize, or tell me i'm not alone and share their own experiences, instead of just calling me a dumbass (which i see as totally irrelevant anyway. plenty of intelligent, successful, loved people make the choice to off themselves, and from this vantage point, i can't see that i blame them)






You may not like having a girl dominate over you, but I'd imagine you have equal sexual desires you'd like to fill.......you can't feel when you die.


What you just described is spot on benzo addiction.  Stop taking your parents meds.  You feel good when you take the drugs......and then you wake up and feel like killing yourself?  That is what happens to some people who dabble in benzos......and why they are prescribed to your parents and not you.  One of the biggest side effects of prolonged benzo use is suicide.  If you give your head a couple weeks of getting over these issues without those stupid pills, you'd begin to actually wake up feeling better instead of trying to figure out how to fall asleep feeling doped up.


Life is fucking awesome.  Gimme all the bloody snatch I can eat.




uh, no it's not. you missed the point. i've had access to benzos for only a few weeks, and i might have taken them a handful of times at low doses. i've been having daily suicidal ideation for a few months now, and the cycles of drug use described above have persisted for many more months than that.

living with my parents for the past few weeks has been helpful with my drug abuse issues, but only to a point. i drink whenever i can. i've taken all my dad's t3s. i can't take too many benzos cuz my mom needs them, and is only prescribed a few at a time. but otherwise, i take anything i can get my hands on, and the fact is i can't get my hands on too much around here (i haven't smoked weed in weeks; that's the longest i haven't smoked in years. for the past 8 months or so, i've literally been high all day, every day).

please, give me anything; anything but sobriety. :mjk1:

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Invisiblevandago
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Mosis]
    #14565755 - 06/05/11 06:08 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

You can't get high when youre dead.

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InvisibleMosis
miserable cunt
Male

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 169
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: vandago]
    #14565832 - 06/05/11 06:28 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

lol vandago, you should be a life coach

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Invisiblevandago
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Mosis]
    #14565869 - 06/05/11 06:39 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I just always imagined.....if there was an afterlife.....that if you went out addicted to drugs, your hell is going to be unimaginable.


Imagine all the mental pain you feel, but you have no vice to calm it.  Your spirit, tortured, never given a chance to relieve it's own pain, it will never know what true strength is like, because it always relied on a high to get to the next step.  You don't hate sobriety.....you hate your mental state when you are sober.  The more you learn how to deal with it the better it will end up becoming, until there is no longer anything to deal with.  You just become so akin to life and everything it throws at you that its all a party.


No matter how miserable I've become......and yes I've actually tried to kill myself several times with an outrageous benzo dose combined with alcohol til I pass out....The next couple days afterwards always makes me smile at least ONCE.  You can't smile at all when you are dead.  Honestly I can think of some serious life changing smiles I've had.......smiles people would trade their whole life for.....and those people have smiles I'd trade mine for. 


What are you struggling so hard that you aren't achieving?  Did you ever consider that maybe you are just programmed to feel like you are defeated?  Destined for failure with the mindset you have?  I really think people in their lower 20's....if not killing for our country, or slaving away at school or work....feel the same way.  Some people don't reach out.....some people just kill themselves.....most if not all 40+ year olds will tell you they have been there.

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Invisiblethe human abstract
malaka the werewolf
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Registered: 11/30/09
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: vandago]
    #14565938 - 06/05/11 06:55 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

what are your main problems with being social?  you mentioned that youre narcissistic and that you have to dominate or be dominated.

your social life seams like a huge part of why youre going through this. 


so when you meet someone new do you go into it feeling like youre not good enough bc others made you feel that way?  do you identify yourself with how youre viewed by others feelings?

dont let people frustrate you and youll realize we all kind of feel the same thing with others..

edit: that was a reply to op


--------------------
★★

Edited by the human abstract (06/05/11 07:07 PM)

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OfflineChronicSmoke
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Registered: 02/25/11
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: vandago]
    #14566158 - 06/05/11 07:47 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

vandago said:
I just always imagined.....if there was an afterlife.....that if you went out addicted to drugs, your hell is going to be unimaginable.


Imagine all the mental pain you feel, but you have no vice to calm it.  Your spirit, tortured, never given a chance to relieve it's own pain, it will never know what true strength is like, because it always relied on a high to get to the next step.  You don't hate sobriety.....you hate your mental state when you are sober.  The more you learn how to deal with it the better it will end up becoming, until there is no longer anything to deal with.  You just become so akin to life and everything it throws at you that its all a party.


No matter how miserable I've become......and yes I've actually tried to kill myself several times with an outrageous benzo dose combined with alcohol til I pass out....The next couple days afterwards always makes me smile at least ONCE.  You can't smile at all when you are dead.  Honestly I can think of some serious life changing smiles I've had.......smiles people would trade their whole life for.....and those people have smiles I'd trade mine for. 


What are you struggling so hard that you aren't achieving?  Did you ever consider that maybe you are just programmed to feel like you are defeated?  Destined for failure with the mindset you have?  I really think people in their lower 20's....if not killing for our country, or slaving away at school or work....feel the same way.  Some people don't reach out.....some people just kill themselves.....most if not all 40+ year olds will tell you they have been there.


:whathesaid:


--------------------
This is a public computer, 1,000's of people use it everyday this isn't me typing this.  I dont even know how I got on this site, how the hell do I even work this computer.:wow: 


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OfflineChronicSmoke
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Registered: 02/25/11
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: ChronicSmoke]
    #14566164 - 06/05/11 07:48 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

OP find mushrooms, take them focus on your problems.  By the time the trip is over you should feel more socially confident.


--------------------
This is a public computer, 1,000's of people use it everyday this isn't me typing this.  I dont even know how I got on this site, how the hell do I even work this computer.:wow: 


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OfflineRavana
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Registered: 05/29/11
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: ChronicSmoke]
    #14567206 - 06/05/11 11:08 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

See a doctor, stat.  As in, make an appointment right now.  If you have no insurance go to the ER.  Tell them you're going to commit suicide.  My friend did that, and they kept him in hospital over night and then send him away for a week to get help.  he's better now.

Are you on any meds?  I might have missed it, but maybe you need some.  Or some therapy, group therapy/single therapy/support groups...there's so much out there.

Find a forum that deals with what you have.

I've been there, done that.  But life goes on.  Don't your shit early.

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Offline2ndChancesRDivine
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Ravana]
    #14573524 - 06/07/11 09:50 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I feel I need to respond to this, as I have been feeling rather suicidal as of lately as well, and seem to have the same issues that you have.

I've looked into the various ways of killing one's self, ODing on stimulants, downers, hydrogen sulfide in an enclosed space, helium gas in a tube through a plastic bag duct taped around ones neck, but then I think....

If I died what would happen? The world would continue to spin, and life would go on, my family would mourn me and who ever found me dead, which would most likely be my mother, would be scarred for the rest of their life. There by creating more damage than I initially intended, which is easing the stress of my presence here on earth. I can just imagine the stories my father, mother and brother would tell in anguish with that distant look in their eyes as they recount a life that had so much potential yet ended so selfishly. Suicide is selfish.

I don't want to be another statistic, but my life seems to be so unbearable lately that I seek the comfort of drugs (mainly dissociatives and tranquilizers at the moment) because I have been practically forced to give up everything else like my legally recommended medical marijuana so I can get work, alcohol because I become a monster and lose my potential friends as well as friends I already have when I drink (and it doesn't go well with my prescription of Valium). I can't even take psychedelics right now because of the erratic time schedule my pious mother keeps (I'm almost 30 and I'm still living at home, I get fed up, I go out into the world, rack up tons of debt and have to come crawling back home) which is probably a good idea because I am in no set to have a psychedelic experience right now. I can't even play video games because of my horrible attitude when I lose, and I too have become a leach, sucking off of the teat of government grants, loans, and family support and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I can't control my spending, and I never pay my bills. I've even gone as far as to try an distance myself from people I know who are a bad influence in my life, which is pretty much everyone I know. I feel like such a hermit and a lost cause.

But when I think of suicide, I think of all the things I would never get to see, like my brother wedding his girlfriend, and having children. The beautiful places that I could travel to, the things that are out there that I could learn, all the things I have yet to experience, finding someone to love and cherish even after going through excruciatingly painful episodes of unrequited love.

I try to stop thinking in the now and look forward to the future. I have to have faith that one day I might just pull my self up out of this depressive state and have enough strength to move past my insecurities and move on to a better spot in my life.

Maybe I'm not the best person in the world, but I'm not the worst either. I'm not stealing to support an addiction, I'm not cheating on people or screwing them over, I don't have children I hardly ever see or care about, I'm not out there with an incurable STD not telling my partners about it and having unprotected sex with them.

I generally live a caring and good life that seems to have been put on hold because of my obsessions with substances I can easily abuse to take away the my perception of a painful existence.

Seek help man. Even if you think that people won't care, and that you're just a smudge on the road of life, you WILL end up hurting someone else beyond repair if you take your own life.

My fathers dad took his life when my father was 12. I can see the relationship he has with me and the relationship that other fathers have with their sons, that he has been affected by my biological grandfathers decision. It was an incredibly selfish thing to do, and it not only had negative repercussions on MY father, but my grandmother, and my aunt as well to this very day. I can see the far off look in their eyes when they recall him in their memories, a twinge of sadness in their voices as they tell their stories, and the hardships that his actions put them through not just physically but emotionally.

Don't commit suicide, not only is it an incredibly selfish way to solve your temporary problem, but it also puts an unfair burden on other people who care about you after you are gone, and not just in the expense of them having to bury you kind of way.


--------------------
:trippinballs::awecid::aliceshocker::awecid::trippinballs:

All your RC are belong to me.

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OfflineAUX
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Registered: 03/12/11
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Last seen: 11 years, 2 months
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Buckeye Oysters]
    #14574300 - 06/07/11 12:47 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Buckeye Oysters said:
"Whoever has something in hand will be given more, and whoever has nothing will be deprived of even the little they have." [Jesus]

You have so much, but have so little.  And it pisses you off.



We don't try to share our intelligence with you so please stop trying to share your stupidity with us.

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OfflineMLDSMDA
All good things in all good time
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Mosis]
    #14574728 - 06/07/11 02:21 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I've drank on benzos a lot and been fine. I've also done a lot of opiates and benzos and been fine. You have to take more than a whole bottle of bars to die, and I know that for a fact because my friends mom tried to do that. There's a lot of easier ways, but why do you even want to die man? Life is an amazing thing.

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OfflineAlmond Flour
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: ChronicSmoke] * 2
    #14575889 - 06/07/11 06:23 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

ChronicSmoke said:
OP find mushrooms, take them focus on your problems.  By the time the trip is over you should feel more socially confident.




Spoken like a true 16 yr old shaman :lol:


--------------------
Hippies and Liberals love Pope Francis, so why dont I quote him for you guys. "There is NO SALVATION outside the Catholic Church" :morningtoke:

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InvisibleMosis
miserable cunt
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Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 169
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Almond Flour]
    #14576597 - 06/07/11 08:44 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

y'know, it's funny; when i thought benzos were a viable exit strategy, i felt almost more at peace. now i feel trapped again. suicidal thoughts come and go; lately they've been more prevalent (along with extreme feelings of anger and jealousy), but i've read enough stories regarding the massive psychological trauma inflicted upon the living by suicides that i know i just gotta wait this out.

two people have reached out to me lately. they've offered to let me stay at their place whenever i want and to talk to them whenever i need to. we've hung out a couple of times, but we've always hit it off really well. i legitimately feel loved by them, and i don't often feel that way. that's one of my main "social problems;" i love people too easily, and expect that kind of love back. my expectations of people are just too high, but i mean, if everyone just wants to be loved, why does no one want my love?

i feel extremely jealous because my "ex" is now with a former friend. it's all fucked up, 'cause we were "together" so long, but i never recognized her as my partner. she asked me to marry her, and i said no, and for the longest time we were just stuck in our patterns. she finally broke free, spread her wings and flew away, and now i feel alone, replaced, and extremely jealous, even though i never wanted her, and used her, and took her for granted, and abused her. some tool lyrics come to mind:

"i know you best, better than anyone. i know you better than i know myself.

you can't speak. you don't judge. you can't leave. you can't hurt me. just here for me to use.

it's time for you to make a sacrifice; it's time to die a little, give it up."

and

"remember i will always love you, as i claw your fucking throat away. it will end no other way."

i thought i'd be the one clawing her throat away. turns out it's the other way around, but that's only because she found someone else before i did. it hurts even more that the other person was so close to me. i'm just so upset by the unfairness of it all (i know, i sound like a little kid; i'm a spoiled, immature twat. i don't want to accept life for what it is.)

again, to the teenage shaman, psychedelics drugs can't help me right now. i've had incredible mystical experiences and "divine" revelations; the problem is i don't act on them. i don't do what i know i need to do, to help myself, to help others. again, because it's difficult, because it's painful, and because i don't see that it's worth doing.

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OfflineChronicSmoke
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Registered: 02/25/11
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Almond Flour]
    #14576727 - 06/07/11 09:05 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Herbal said:
Quote:

ChronicSmoke said:
OP find mushrooms, take them focus on your problems.  By the time the trip is over you should feel more socially confident.




Spoken like a true 16 yr old shaman :lol:




:rolleyes:


--------------------
This is a public computer, 1,000's of people use it everyday this isn't me typing this.  I dont even know how I got on this site, how the hell do I even work this computer.:wow: 


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OfflineChronicSmoke
wanderer
Male

Registered: 02/25/11
Posts: 538
Loc: On the Moon
Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: ChronicSmoke]
    #14576757 - 06/07/11 09:12 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Well sorry I didn't understand your problems, at first you said you had social issues.

So I figured maybe you needed something to help you focus on what your issues are, mushrooms seem to smack my problems in my face and I always find solutions for them.

And no offense but dont call me a teenager, when you cant get a grasp on your own emotions.


--------------------
This is a public computer, 1,000's of people use it everyday this isn't me typing this.  I dont even know how I got on this site, how the hell do I even work this computer.:wow: 


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OfflineChronicSmoke
wanderer
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Registered: 02/25/11
Posts: 538
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Last seen: 12 years, 8 months
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Almond Flour] * 1
    #14576776 - 06/07/11 09:15 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Herbal said:
Quote:

ChronicSmoke said:
OP find mushrooms, take them focus on your problems.  By the time the trip is over you should feel more socially confident.




Spoken like a true 16 yr old shaman :lol:




Looking at your quote from joemolly I can see you dont agree that psychedelics have amazing potential to make a person grow.

Your probably one of those types that did to much lost control and ended up blaming the drug instead of looking at yourself and using these powerful drugs with responsibility.


--------------------
This is a public computer, 1,000's of people use it everyday this isn't me typing this.  I dont even know how I got on this site, how the hell do I even work this computer.:wow: 


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InvisibleMosis
miserable cunt
Male

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 169
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: ChronicSmoke]
    #14577171 - 06/07/11 10:23 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

you need to understand that while psychedelic drugs are a powerful tool for introspection and understanding, they don't magically fix things or instantly change people. one, two, ten peak experiences are not going to eliminate deeply engrained mental habits.

once again, i know what i have to do. if i take psychedelics, i won't learn anything new at this time in my life. i'll talk to god, see alex grey paintings unfold in front of my eyes, feel the divine love of ultimate being, transcend my self, see what needs to be done, and then wake up the next morning the same miserable cunt as always. i need to act on these revelations, and have faith that, even when the demons in my mind are screaming and raging, the insights gained in that moment are still applicable.

i have a real problem with doing things on "faith." time and time again, i see that it's not so bad. that i've built up so many things in my mind that are simply not reflective of the reality of my situation... but then that awareness fades, and i don't believe in the memory of it. i need to have faith to take the right action even when i don't feel that way at the moment.

i don't think anyone's doubting the ability of psychedelic drugs as catalysts for change; but your post makes it sound like the drugs are some kind of panacea. sure, i'll feel more socially confident at the end, maybe the next morning or two... but soon enough i'll fall back into old habits, insecurity, etc.

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InvisibleMosis
miserable cunt
Male

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 169
Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: AUX]
    #14577189 - 06/07/11 10:26 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

AUX said:
Quote:

Buckeye Oysters said:
"Whoever has something in hand will be given more, and whoever has nothing will be deprived of even the little they have." [Jesus]

You have so much, but have so little.  And it pisses you off.



We don't try to share our intelligence with you so please stop trying to share your stupidity with us.




lol, nice. glad that guy has finally stfu'd.

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InvisibleEternalCowabunga
Being of Great Significance
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Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 7,152
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Re: benzo + alcohol suicide guarantee [Re: Mosis]
    #14577241 - 06/07/11 10:34 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

99% of people have it figured out by the time they are 30


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