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boxcarguy07
Uno



Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 3,942
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please critique my song
#14541216 - 05/31/11 03:26 PM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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Hey there Pub. I recently recorded an original song of mine...
Right now it's only a rough acoustic version. I left my djembe at a friend's house so I actually recorded the percussion by tapping on my laptop. IMO the song is really lacking some low end, and I'm not trying to make excuses but my voice was extremely tired when I recorded this, so it's not the best.
I'm looking for critiques, especially on the layout/structure of the song. I feel like it could use a slightly longer guitar solo, and I can imagine a mellow french horn or something during the first instrumental break. Also needs some EQ attention... the second guitar part that is hard panned needs to come out more IMO.
It's not a happy song, so don't expect that! lol
thanks for anything anyone has to say, or even for listening
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Music doesn't stop at the ears when it begins at the heart.
"Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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boxcarguy07
Uno



Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 3,942
Loc: SC
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
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Re: please critique my song [Re: boxcarguy07]
#14544947 - 06/01/11 09:19 AM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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i hate to bump... but... no one?
--------------------
Music doesn't stop at the ears when it begins at the heart.
"Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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CarnivalBarker
wizard


Registered: 04/19/10
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Re: please critique my song [Re: boxcarguy07]
#14544984 - 06/01/11 09:31 AM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think you aught to work on your annunciation. It could be the microphone, but the t's and s's had too much of a "pop" behind them. The vocal style reminded me a bit of Matthew Bellamy.
The guitar solo was good 
Everything was good, but the song was forgettable to me. Maybe try to get a good hook/memorable melody line in there.
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,799
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Re: please critique my song [Re: boxcarguy07]
#14545008 - 06/01/11 09:42 AM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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I think the song is beautiful, but it would benefit from two things.
One's obvious, the actual djembe. For drumming on your lappy, thats great, its gonna be awesome with the actual thing.
Second is something that I believe will greatly upgrade the overall song and others.
You need a bit more nitro in your voice man, a bit more emotional fire. You have it in you but its held back a bit. Maybe you hit the bong earlier that day, or the neighbors have complained, or you lack a bit of confidence to let it out.
If you let more emotional fire in your singing voice, and I believe its there, it just becomes that much more evocative.
Experiment with that. What can help is a very low dose of shrooms combined with a moderate dose of stimulant. At the ti9me the actual output will suck, but its to learn letting that dragon out, actually giving the words the power they deserve, the power I think you'd have for it but are a bit reluctant to let out.
Could be an off day and that you already do thatat other days. As I see it you have it and it needs some prompting.
Heres an example:
Notice the emotional acuteness of it, its hard to describe, I hope you realize what I mean. A stronger explicit commitment to the emotional charge of the lyrics.
But, as is, its already fine, I just see it being a lot better is right around the corner for you.
Are you by any chance bracing a bit not to get lost in the emotion of the piece?
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
Edited by Asante (06/01/11 09:53 AM)
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boxcarguy07
Uno



Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 3,942
Loc: SC
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
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Re: please critique my song [Re: Asante]
#14545056 - 06/01/11 10:00 AM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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Thanks to both of you for your comments.
Wiccan, I see exactly what you mean. To be honest, my voice was very tired that day (I had 5 gigs in the four days prior) and it was late already so I was concerned about neighbors... but I think even if that was not the case, the words you shared still needed to be heard. The video was a great example, I think I understand exactly what you mean.
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Music doesn't stop at the ears when it begins at the heart.
"Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Asante
Mage


Registered: 02/06/02
Posts: 86,799
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Re: please critique my song [Re: boxcarguy07]
#14545078 - 06/01/11 10:09 AM (12 years, 7 months ago) |
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As I see it you have that fire, it just wasnt coming out.
Quote:
my voice was very tired that day (I had 5 gigs in the four days prior) and it was late already so I was concerned about neighbors...
Thats probably it.
When I listen to music I actively put a ot of emotion in it and want to draw a lot of emotion from it. When its fiery, I want it to be nuclear fire, when its sad, I want it to rip my heart wide open. Its sounds overly analytical but part of why I listen music is to enhance emotion, be it one I feel or one I want to evoke.
And please: its not criticism, its critique. As I see it all thats needed is there, the circvumstances were just suboptimal. "its good, but I'm convinced you can do better".
-------------------- Omnicyclion.org higher knowledge starts here
Edited by Asante (06/01/11 10:16 AM)
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