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uber_aj
Goodbye Shroomery!


Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 4,486
Loc: Much love to you all
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My friend Sesuj
#14511112 - 05/25/11 05:50 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I have a friend named Sesuj, he was a plumber in Iraq who was killed during the Crusades almost 1000 years ago. Sesuj wasn't a normal guy though, he was a cow that was transformed into a person by a malevolent and benevolent ferret god called Havohej who preferred cross-eyed people to normal ones. The mighty ferret god formed a covenant with the cross-eyed people from all corners of the world, telling them that if they used the hair from their haircuts to make little ferret idols which they had to lick in remembrance of him, he would give them big, thick penises and protection from all feral beasts in their next life.
Anyway, Havohej really liked Sesuj the cow, b/c Sesuj made cheese and milk for Havohej on the regular. One day the ferret god asked Sesuj what he would wish for if he had any one wish. He said he wanted to be a poor, cross-eyed terrorist who would be immune to cancer and lactose intolerance. Havohej, being a loving and merciful god (despite his rap sheet for biting the testicles off 144,000 men), granted the wish, but on one condition - anytime he needed to pee, he was to urinate on the nearest non-mammalian animal. If he ever failed to do so, he and everyone who has ever heard his name will have every girl they know viciously raped.
For years everything went better than expected, Sesuj was doing terrorist things in Iraq, peeing on insects and certain birds. One day though, he went to war and was stuck in the desert, with no animals to pee on. As he desperately clawed through the sands, he found a scorpion, named Retep. He whipped out his dick and tried to pee on Retep, but the scorpion had magical powers; it could run 1.25x as fast as regular scorpions. It evaded Sesuj's urine to his utter dismay. Sesuj fell to his knees in agony, crying out for Havohej's mercy. Instead, fourteen thousand, two hundred and seventy-one ferrets descended on the women known to Sesuj and all of his various acquaintances, raping them in a frenzy of furry fucking. Shortly thereafter, Sesuj died at the hands of a guy with crossed-eyes.
B/c the guy's eyes were also crossed, Sesuj was teleported to a strange dimension with lots of pretty colors and shit. There he stayed, until the other day when I smoked DMT and released him. I'm telling you all of this so you can save your lady friends from the horrible rape that furry frittering ferrets will dish out, now that you've heard Sesuj's name.
Please, I beseech thee, save your hair clippings and make ferret idols; lick them three times per day. Buy bags of crickets from Petsmart and throw one in the toilet before you pee. If you don't, you'll be stuck in a DMT dimension watching a replay of your wives/moms/sisters/daughters being raped by ferrets for all of eternity.
Give me ten percent of your money, too.
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Funguspants
Stranger


Registered: 05/31/10
Posts: 971
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: uber_aj]
#14511432 - 05/25/11 07:04 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Stop trying. Your joke thread was a fail, and this is just a facepalm. Not funny in any aspect at all, just annoying as shit to read.
At least I think you were trying to be funny. But this is retarded.
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      AWWWWWWWWWL DAY SUCKA WAT "I... I don't want to die" "BITCH SOMETIMES WE GOTTA DO THANGS DAT WE AINT WANNA DO"
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Caine
lab rat



Registered: 01/25/10
Posts: 3,920
Loc: NE
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Quote:
Funguspants said: Stop trying. Your joke thread was a fail, and this is just a facepalm. Not funny in any aspect at all, just annoying as shit to read.
At least I think you were trying to be funny. But this is retarded.
No need to bump it then
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Funguspants
Stranger


Registered: 05/31/10
Posts: 971
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: Caine]
#14511441 - 05/25/11 07:07 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Caine said:
Quote:
Funguspants said: Stop trying. Your joke thread was a fail, and this is just a facepalm. Not funny in any aspect at all, just annoying as shit to read.
At least I think you were trying to be funny. But this is retarded.
No need to bump it then 

Um... I was simply telling this fool my opinion about his post. Not specifically bumping it, and I don't care if more people get to see it. That just means more people get to see the fail.
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      AWWWWWWWWWL DAY SUCKA WAT "I... I don't want to die" "BITCH SOMETIMES WE GOTTA DO THANGS DAT WE AINT WANNA DO"
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uber_aj
Goodbye Shroomery!


Registered: 11/13/05
Posts: 4,486
Loc: Much love to you all
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THATS IT, FUCK YOU SHROOMERY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN MINDED!
I'm never coming back here again!
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Salomon
ಠ︵ಠ balance ಠ_ಠ weaver ಠ‿ಠ

Registered: 01/17/09
Posts: 25,128
Loc: America, FUCK YEAH
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: uber_aj]
#14511510 - 05/25/11 07:24 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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-------------------- EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY BECOMES A DESERT
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The Vapor
Lost In A Tea Daze


Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 8,433
Loc: Misty Mountains, B.C.
Last seen: 1 year, 11 months
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: uber_aj] 1
#14511516 - 05/25/11 07:26 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
uber_aj said: THATS IT, FUCK YOU SHROOMERY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE OPEN MINDED!
I'm never coming back here again!

Ways the bug deal?
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Le_Canard
The Duk Abides


Registered: 05/16/03
Posts: 94,392
Loc: Earthfarm 1
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: uber_aj]
#14512432 - 05/25/11 10:29 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I will build a magnificent altar to the Ferret-God out of Barbie-doll heads! Aie!
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Sophistic Radiance
Free sVs!


Registered: 07/11/06
Posts: 43,135
Loc: Center of the Universe
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Re: My friend Sesuj [Re: uber_aj]
#14512450 - 05/25/11 10:31 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I wish there was a slow-clap graemlin. Nothing available seems to convey the sheer magnitude of how unimpressed I am by your scathingly subtle attempt at satire.
-------------------- Enlil said: You really are the worst kind of person.
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