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Anonymous #1

sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF
    #14482882 - 05/20/11 05:41 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

So this has been a fantasy of mine and probably many peoples for a long time.  My girl has expressed interest in it before but is very shy about her sexuality.  I have brought it up before but I really am just at a loss on how to work this out...  Now we sometimes have intimacy issues as I have broken her trust before. I had been trying to communicate my sexual needs to her but it just wasn't working.  She was not making me feel wanted the way I needed.  I was with an old friend  whom I had a thing for 4 a long time and well you know the story...

Now that has happened obviously she feels disempowered at times, like she is worthless.  I have also complicated things by trying to tell her "not like that" or "more like this" but then I come to realize the things I have said no to, I do want sometimes.  I just like it different every time, who doesnt.  Now admittedly I have been sort of a nympho my whole life, but honestly I just like to please and make others feel good, and I know or at least I feel I am good at that sexually, it helps validate me (perhaps this is primitive of me and im working on it). 

she is pretty much everything that I could ever want in a female save the fact she doesn't share my sex drive.  Sure there are times when we get a really good fuck in and I'm satisfied, but damm I want to do that everyday, and thats just not something that she needs apparently.  I love her very much and we see eye to eye on so many levels.  She has told me that she never really masturbated very much and just was not a super sexual person.  That is slowly changing...

Now I really want to see her with another girl, not only because it would excite me and I would enjoy another girl, but hell I dont even have to join necessarily.  I feel like I could learn about some of the things that she likes and it could help our intimacy, (or is this just a pipe dream).  However I don't know how to bring it up or go about doing it with out making her feel like she isn't good enough for me.  Also I don't ever really see her actively pursuing it herself, and if I actively pursue it then I don't want it to look like I am just doing it for my sake.

so as you can see Im in a pickle here

and yes i know i created this problem by cheating on her, i honestly did not want to, the attention i had felt i was lacking happened to be given to me exactly how i was looking for it (which i guess was just feeling wanted) and i just decided not to resist, alcohol also makes for bad decisions...

i also tell myself that if she had the urge to be with someone else sexually that i would be ok with that, i think i could handle if it was something that she truly wanted to satisfy her, though id like to watch at least, however she has no desire for this as i apparently sexually satisfy her enough, i guess its hard for me to understand why she wont do that for me, granted actions speak louder than words

so ya i will stop now any advice would be nice


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14482936 - 05/20/11 06:08 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Now I really want to see her with another girl, not only because it would excite me and I would enjoy another girl, but hell I dont even have to join necessarily.  I feel like I could learn about some of the things that she likes and it could help our intimacy, (or is this just a pipe dream).  However I don't know how to bring it up or go about doing it with out making her feel like she isn't good enough for me.  Also I don't ever really see her actively pursuing it herself, and if I actively pursue it then I don't want it to look like I am just doing it for my sake.



I don't think bringing a third person to the party is going to solve much; it'll likely just complicate matters. As you noted yourself, the risk is very real that your gf is going to feel even more insecure, feeding the downward spiral you appear to be in.

Best thing you can do is talk it over, and allow her to tell about how she experiences sex and what she expects to get out of it. Important is that this happens in a non-threatening way, so ask open questions, and be careful not to show any sign of rejection of her ideas, desires or experiences. Vice versa, be honest about your feelings and desires, but try not to 'flood' her with your fetishes, as that is likely to scare her off at some point. Some things are better kept to yourself until you really feel that your partner is ready to listen to them while not feeling threatened, so take it slow. Also be clear about those things you don't know yourself yet; it seems to me that you're currently exploring your own sexuality, and it really helps if you're clear about that to your gf. That way, you give her to opportunity to help you explore your (and her own) sexuality, instead of you trying to get something 'out of' your gf. And reading your post, I think that's actually true. This is not about your gf not knowing what she wants, this is just as much about you searching for your sexual identity, and I think it's a lot less threatening (and honest) if you own up to this, both to yourself and to your gf.

Don't expect to settle this issue one night after dinner; it's going to take time. Lots of it. In the process, make sure to give positive feedback to your gf in other areas than sex as well; you mention that you get along really well and that you're a good match on an intellectual and personal (non-sexual) level. It won't hurt her to know this.

But consider the possibility that you're just very good friends, and not a very good match in terms of sexuality. That sometimes happens, and sometimes there's very little that can be done about it. You'll notice that if you haven't gotten any closer a few months down the road.

Btw, you mention you're a nympho; does that mean you're a girl? Aside from this, having the urge to have sex on a daily basis is hardly a sign of hypersexuality. I'd say it's fairly standard for most men in a certain age range and many women/girls as well. Things tend to gradually settle down when you reach your late twenties or so (but don't be afraid: there's ample horniness to be enjoyed after 30 as well :wink:)


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OfflineMagicMaker
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: koraks]
    #14483148 - 05/20/11 07:31 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

solid advice no doubt, you are probably right about the other girl in the situation thing, and no I am not a girl just a very sexual guy , I am 23 and she is 27, perhaps we are at different stages in our lives, but she has only been with maybe 4 or 5 guys and i have been with probably 30 girls...just the way I am i guess.  I mean when i was in college there was a time i didnt have a GF and i pretty much just tried to sleep with as many girls as i could, then it got to the point of we would meet up and fuck, then we didnt really have much to talk about and it would be sort of weird, sort of got old (meaningless sex) i told myself i didnt want that anymore and wanted something real,

then i get the real thing and eventually that just got old too with my last gf, that and she was crazy.  I just want to beable to mix it up sometimes, keep it fresh

i guess i had an idea in my head that i needed to find some girl that thought my gf was hot and have her hit on her and see where it goes, i guess i think that might speed up the building of her self esteem process as well as the things you said, tis a delicate situation no doubt


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Invisiblekoraks
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: MagicMaker]
    #14483243 - 05/20/11 07:57 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Look, if she really wants to mess around with a girl, it's going to come out of her at some point if you discuss your sexuality (both your own and hers) in an open and respectful manner. But be ware of the possibility that this is a fantasy of your own that you're projecting onto her. That shit happens remarkably easily, believe me... Best thing you can do is really try very hard to see and understand how she experiences sexuality; try to look through her eyes, all the time being aware of how your own preferences are likely to bias the picture. It's still guesswork, but it might help trigger relevant questions that help you understand her better.

Concerning the age difference (and I know I'm going to make a few very debatable generalizations here): in my experience, 'girls' (women...) in their late twenties tend to be in a slightly different phase than men (boys :wink:) in their early twenties in terms of sexuality. It's a pity, though, especially if your gf does not have a particularly strong sex drive to begin with, and you do.

I recognize the issue btw. It was one of the contributing factors to the breakup between me and my ex. We are still good friends now.


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InvisibleautomanM
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14483369 - 05/20/11 08:43 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Don't get into a 3 way with a shy girl or a girl that isn't into other girls. It's way too much work.


--------------------
No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical. ~ Niels Bohr


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OfflineManianFHS
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14483470 - 05/20/11 09:26 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

How have you broken her trust in the past OP? It may be significant.

Best to respect her comfort zones; something like a threesome could open her up or just make her resent you. Id guess the latter is more likely. My girlfriend is more sexual than I am (f28,m29). When she pushes too hard it negatively affects my sexual drive. Its touchy grounds for some, especially those who have had their trust broken in those areas before; they're just much less likely to be open to something that could bring those walls down all over again.


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


Edited by ManianFH (05/20/11 09:32 AM)


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OfflineMagicMaker
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: ManianFH]
    #14484412 - 05/20/11 01:19 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

thank you thank you


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OfflineMycjunky
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: koraks]
    #14487555 - 05/20/11 11:52 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Totally agreed. Honestly doesn't sound like your relationship is strong enough to handle it unless your girl is really up for it. 3 way can be real complicated speaking from experience and I can't say I necessarily suggest it cause it will complicate things significantly.

I got lucky and my gf was totally for it didn't take any persuading but things were still kind of confusing later and I really don't think it's good for the relationship.

The partner with low sex drive thing can be really frustrating and I'm in the same boat so I'm not sure what advise to give but sex isn't everything and it wouldn't be worth throwing away a relationship that is good on all other fronts.


Edited by Mycjunky (05/20/11 11:54 PM)


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OfflineMagicMaker
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Re: sexual satisfaction/intimacy issues/Threesome fantasy with shy GF [Re: Mycjunky]
    #14502768 - 05/24/11 03:14 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

i have recently come to remember that working out helps channel such energy A LOT, A LOT, not to mention makes you have more stamina so you  can control yourself better when you are fucking, and therefore last longer and make her enjoy it more as well as you, and thus making her want it more

problem solved : )


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