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ataup
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Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP
#14481822 - 05/19/11 11:28 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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For the last two months now I have been obsessing about a shrooms experience I had when I was a freshman in college (I just recently graduated college). I currently have pretty bad social anxiety and I cannot stop thinking about how the shrooms led me down a path toward the anxiety.
Coming into college, I hated the idea of doing drugs...I was pretty straight edge in high school. But, after being convinced to trying weed (and loving it), I decided to give shrooms a shot just 2 months into college. The experience had four distinct levels as I can recall, which I will describe.
The first thing my friends and I did was go outside and explore the campus. It was a beautiful day...the first snow of the season. I remember being fascinated with every slushy step I took in the snow.
After this, we went back in the dorm and I saw my Resident Advisor. I became sure that he was "writing us up" for doing shrooms and that administration was going to find out. This lasted for a little while, and I had to be convinced by sober people that I was just paranoid.
Next, I thought the trip was over, and I went to go socialize with sober people. During this time, I remember being able to socialize with great ease, something I had never been able to do before.
Finally, I found my friends I was tripping with, and we decided to go explore the library stacks (It is really cool in my school...they go really high up). This was a surreal experience as far as I can remember. I realized that I was tripping still and was very introspective, although I don't really know what I was thinking about. Lastly...the come down was rather depressing.
Okay, so now I will describe how I acted post-trip...some of my behavior seems to have shifted:
I used to put a lot of emotion into watching my favorite baseball team. About a month before my shroom trip, my team made the playoffs for like the first time ever, and I broke down and cried. It was literally one of the happiest days of my life. After the trip, I did not have the same emotional response to baseball. The next year, my team won the world series, and I was deeply frustrated by the fact that I didn't care as much as I wanted to.
Before the trip, I enjoyed smoking weed. I would crack up easily and I played video games and generally loved smoking. After the trip I became very paranoid every time I smoked. I kept thinking the next time I smoked it would be okay. This was not the case. I would convince myself that I was somehow different to others every time I smoked (either gay, autistic, it didnt matter). I finally stopped smoking weed for the most part last December when I had a panic attack due to the paranoia.
After my shroom trip, I more readily put myself into social situations. I joined a fraternity and hung out with hard core party people. Not having the best social skills, but seeking attention, I acted goofy much of the time for laughs. Finally, when I became a senior, something hit me, and I stopped acting "for other people." I became depressed and had deeply seated social anxiety (which I continue to deal with).
My concerns are as follows: If I did not do shrooms, would I have slowly entered the social scene and developed social skills at a more comfortable pace? It seems that after my shrooms trip I threw myself onto the social scene without any real confidence in myself.
Recently I have begun to think about the relationships that I have had with people while in college. Many of them have been superficial...a trait which I do not value at all. Freshman year, I surrounded myself with relatively un-empathic friends, which caused me to doubt myself a great deal. I want to have fulfilling relationships, but right now my social anxiety is at far too great a level. I keep thinking, "If I didn't do shrooms I would have had a different college experience...I would have slowly found myself instead of it hitting me all at once."
I keep comparing myself to before and after my shrooms trip. Ugh...I feel like shrooms took innocence before I was ready for my innocence to leave. Maybe I need to do them again to stop obsessing over this. These thoughts have taken over my life. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE SENSE OF THIS!
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ifoundwaldo


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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup] 1
#14481853 - 05/19/11 11:36 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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It's really impossible to say.
I can't believe you're trying to blame the entire course of your social life on one mushroom trip from 4 years ago though.
That's a little ridiculous, n'est-ce pas?
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ataup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ifoundwaldo]
#14481901 - 05/19/11 11:45 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I know there are other factors that have contributed to how I am as a social being.
The best way I can put is that shrooms opened up doors before I was ready. I tried to step through those doors without any confidence or real idea what I was doing. This caused a lot of backlash in the form of anxiety.
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MeowMix96
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14481922 - 05/19/11 11:50 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I would say don't take shrooms if you feel like they have changed you that much. It probaly won't end well. I would say that brain chemistry changes that last for 4 years are rare with most substances. The shallow social relationships you described are fairly typical for the majority of a persons social life. That's normal, most people are concerned with shallow things... it's only when two people click extremely well that things go to a deeper level of communication. The shrooms might have changed the way you view the world and thus make you think of yourself differently, but I doubt they changed your brain or anything. Do you have "flashbacks" when you smoke? or do you get night terrors or anything?
-------------------- The road goes on forever and the party never ends......
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ataup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: MeowMix96]
#14481940 - 05/19/11 11:55 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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No, I don't get flashbacks...I just get paranoia. Although recently I have smoked a bit and it hasn't been so bad.
I would like to do shrooms again at some point. I feel that they were at the core of changing how I view myself (which led to my anxiety), and in the same way, they can help me overcome my anxiety. Thoughts?
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Comradez
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14481953 - 05/19/11 11:58 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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It sounds like you are already making pretty good sense of it.
I went through a period of depression in college BEFORE I started taking psychedelics, for many of the same reasons that you described. I realized that I didn't really have any close friends who really understood me. Many people liked me for what I had achieved (I was attending an Ivy league school), and my friends at that school liked me for what I believed (I was very involved in radical politics at first, as I had been in high school). But it was all superficial. I thrived the best in "institutional" settings like class, or activist meetings, but I could not relate very well with people in informal situations. I just felt like relationships were unfulfilling and a chore in general, so my sophomore year I just slept a lot and stayed in my dorm room playing Civ4 and studying.
Then, just by sheer coincidence, I met the right people--a small circle of social misfits who felt just like me. One guy was OCD and was very uncomfortable around most people and jaded towards them. The other was a sort of burnout stoner (but with a heart of gold on the inside, as I would discover) who didn't really fit into the super-stressful high-achievement atmosphere (something we all hated and rejected to a certain extent). None of us took ourselves very seriously, and we all felt like the world around us was full of self-absorbed pricks, and I guess we built off of that. Gradually, after hearing some stuff about salvia, we got the idea to try that, and after that we got into psychedelics.
After graduation, we have gone our separate ways geographically, although we still communicate by e-mail. Because of this, though, I've kind of had to start over with making new friends where I am now, and I've found that it's fucking difficult. I've had to come to terms with feeling somewhat alien from others around me. There is such a large gulf of perspective that I don't even try to bridge it at first. Thus, I've sort of settled into a workable mode of having two personalities, in a way. Around "straights" (like at work and school), I'm just a regular, laid-back guy. Over the last 3 months or so, I've consciously tried to have confidence and respect for myself so that others will respect me, instead of fretting over how I appear to others, and it seems to work. So, yeah, I get along well enough with others, and I don't expect much more from these relationships, so I'm never disappointed.
Occasionally, some of my silliness and off-the-wall thinking will seep out just enough for those who might be in tune to get a glimpse of it and connect with me, and there are a few people who seem to be tentatively "on board" to whom I'm gradually revealing my "true self" (the self that is obsessed with psychedelics and Dio and all this crazy shit that I talk about on here). But yeah, in our current culture right now, having lost one's psychedelic virginity (or "innocence" as you put it) can make for a lonely road. That's why the internet is such a godsend, by allowing us to find the other little pockets of refugees amidst the cultural wasteland.
But maybe we can gradually change the larger picture so that we don't have to be so alone. That's why I very much sympathize with the evangelical impulse of a Timothy Leary or a Terence Mckenna. Some say that you shouldn't be too vocal about this stuff, and I agree that one should pick one's battles and be strategic about it (which Leary was not so much), but to allow the alienating status quo to persist is just unacceptable, in my opinion, and I fully sympathize with anyone trying to transform it.
By the way, it makes perfect sense to me why you would lose interest in baseball. (I used to love NASCAR...what the FUCK???!!!) It is kind of a silly game, and it is even sillier to identify one's ego with a certain winning team, as if their victory means a victory for you. That said, it is a proven coping strategy, so in that sense baseball isn't bad, but psychedelics blow sports out of the water as a method of ego-glorification. I love Terence Mckenna's line, "After a night with psilocybin, you will think that Ferdinand Magellan should take second place to YOU." So, instead of trying to force your perspective back into a mold that it had before, perhaps just move on and find something new to make you enthusiastic about life.
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They say that life's a carousel / Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well / The world is full of kings and queens / Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams / It's heaven and hell - Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
Edited by Comradez (05/20/11 12:00 AM)
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ataup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: Comradez]
#14482012 - 05/20/11 12:13 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Interesting stuff Conrad, thanks.
It burns a little bit when thinking about that fact that I could be happier right now (albeit more naive and innocent) if I had not slipped the drug into my system with that same innocence and naivety.
Actually, it burns a lot.
I am a very sensitive person, and I obsess a lot. I used to obsess about baseball games (which would be okay because there would be a new one every day). Now I obsess about my shroom trip...and it's killing me. I know I need to change my life, but it's so hard to function. My mind keeps slipping into the schema of "what it would be like without having done shrooms." One of my only means of solace is talking about it like this.
Sometimes, I feel like I have a special gift. I can see people for what they truly are. Even the ones who have deluded themselves to a great extent. I can find the humanity in them. It hurts me so much that I cannot truly find an intimate relationship with any one of these people. Again, I feel like if I still had my innocence, people would flock to me. Now, they see me as odd or intimidating. Holy sh it...
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MeowMix96
Retarded Demi-god

Registered: 04/08/11
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14482043 - 05/20/11 12:19 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
ataup said: I would like to do shrooms again at some point. I feel that they were at the core of changing how I view myself (which led to my anxiety), and in the same way, they can help me overcome my anxiety. Thoughts?
Yeah, if that's the case you should do them again. Just have a really good setting. More importantly i would say learn to change your view of yourself without shrooms first. Happiness/self confidence is a choice. You just think yourself/imagine yourself to a place of confidence and then it's there. It's best to describe it as ignoring what gives you the anxiety and focusing on what gives you the confidence. Then in a week or so the focus on confidence will become habit and you'll feel the anxiety less, because you'll have a positive thinking pattern. I dunno if that helps.
-------------------- The road goes on forever and the party never ends......
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Comradez
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14482119 - 05/20/11 12:37 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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I know, it sucks to have love and humanity in your heart, and to have that come up against a bunch of brick walls--not because people are hostile to it, but simply because people are absolutely oblivious to it. Because they are not as sensitive as you. Because life for them is so thoughtless and easy, rather than filled with immense gravitas. That's how I feel like a lot of the time.
In my opinion, the difference between pop and heavy metal symbolizes this distinction perfectly. Pop songs are great for getting along and having a good time without probing into life too much--in short, for people who are not too sensitive. Heavy metal, on the other hand, is all about the drama, the gravitas of existence, the probing into one's reality--it appeals to people who feel existence acutely. Oh, how I fantasize about signing karaoke of "Crazy Train" or "Stairway to Heaven" or "Spieluhr" or "Holy Diver" in the audience of some of my acquaintances. But most people don't want to hear that kind of stuff. They rightly sense it being...too much.
Also, are you sure that you are not romanticizing your time before that shroom trip? Life is complicated, and it is rarely one factor that causes things. Besides, psychedelics often just bring out what was already felt deep down somewhere already.
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They say that life's a carousel / Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well / The world is full of kings and queens / Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams / It's heaven and hell - Ronnie James Dio (RIP)
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ataup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: Comradez]
#14482168 - 05/20/11 12:53 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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It's true...life wasn't so always so great before the trip. I was depressed for periods in high school...but then college came and I was excited. I just wish I could have spent some more time in college a shrooms-virgin (it was only about 2 months).
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viktor
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14482280 - 05/20/11 01:26 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hey dude, I know how you feel. I can relate to everything, especially the loss of innocence before you were ready part.
I made myself feel better by thinking that I never would have been more ready for a psychedelic trip, and that it has allowed me to live the rest of my life in an awakened state.
Best of luck.
-------------------- "They consider me insane but I know that I am a hero living under the eyes of the gods."
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percy
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: viktor]
#14482700 - 05/20/11 03:46 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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all these anxieties you had are your ego struggling against the things that the shrooms tried to free you of. think of all the things it showed and changed you, in a good way.
The baseball thing, maybe you saw that sports actually aren't that important.. freeing your mind to focus on more important things.
the social anxiety thing, seems the shrooms opened up your empathy and you are just more aware of these social dynamics, that is good too.
it makes sense when you stated it showed you these things before you were ready.
however, now that you are reaching out about it, is a sign that you are turning the corner about it.
once you merge your reality with the lessons it caused you to realize, you will be good. for me it took 3-4 years to.. I am only now starting to think about tripping again.
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Ferdinando


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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: percy]
#14482827 - 05/20/11 05:01 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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ignorance can be bliss now that you've found another key what do you want to play? now that you know who you are who do you want to be? your life has opened up. you have become more aware. this is the beginning of the journey. look back with fondness and appreciate your situation now. you know you are very lucky right? we will always meet obstacles. we need an attitude of acceptance and letting go to deal with everything we meet spontaneously in the best way. I recommend reading Handbook to Higher Consciousness. I recommend you go on to Eckhart Tolle. without getting sucked into One Mind theory.
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Anglerfish
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14482871 - 05/20/11 05:36 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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You obviously need to break out of your obsession. You're maybe like I am; easily caught up in whatever attracts or interests you, like a weak case of Asperger's syndrome.
I don't believe psilocybin alone is responsible for the consequences in this case.
If you're into music or arts, I'd recommend you take a leap into the creative cess-pool. I feel that almost every time I trip, I set up a 'stage' for my creativity, so to speak.
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ataup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: Anglerfish]
#14483981 - 05/20/11 11:36 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Thanks for all of your insights. Been very helpful.
To Percy (and everyone else): Did it help you to trip again? I am half-convinced that much of my social anxiety will go away if I face my fears while on shrooms again...(and yes I know I have to do it in the right setting).
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Dawks
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14484260 - 05/20/11 12:48 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
I keep comparing myself to before and after my shrooms trip
This is your problem and YOU know it. You said so yourself.
Honestly OP, you sound like a bit of a drama king. A mushroom trip is just an experience. That's all - nothing more.
What you're doing is kind of like saying "I walked in on my mom when she was naked once and my life will NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN ". You're just using your shroom experience as an excuse not to man up in life and that's holding you back.
Don't get me wrong, I know things can be difficult BUT I also know things can be a hell of a lot more difficult if you have a mental shield to hide behind. Children blaming their poor grades or "ADHD" and their bad behavior on their "broken childhoods". Boo fucking hoo. We've all had good times and bad. A measure of a person is how well they let bygones be bygones and move the fuck on.
You know why you don't put as much emotion in to baseball anymore? because of a little thing called metacognition (thinking about thinking). Before, when you watched the baseball, you had nothing to blame if you didn't enjoy it, you just sat there and let the good times roll. By allowing yourself to become fully immersed in the game your amygdala was able to kick in and send waves of emotion through your entire being. But now, when you watch the baseball - instead of just enjoying the game, you sit there thinking about how you're not enjoying the game. You can't be fully immersed in something if you're thinking about not being fully immersed in something.
Baseball is neither good nor bad, exiting nor boring, important nor umimportant. Baseball is just baseball. If YOU enjoy baseball, than YOU enjoy baseball. If YOU don't, then YOU don't. If baseball isn't your thing anymore move on. It doesn't matter that you used to like it more, because that person who you used to be isn't you, you're you.
I for instance used to play with action figures, I don't anymore. I don't sit around all day with a stale old action figure thinking to myself "this used to be so much fun, why can't I enjoy it anymore" because it doesn't matter. Who gives flying nyan why I don't enjoy action figures, I enjoy other things like computers, women and psychedelic drugs.
Ultimately OP, the fact of the matter is you can never take back that first shroom trip. Whether your life would have been better if you never did it is irrelevant, because that's not what happened. You are you, the guy that didn't take shrooms is not. Wishing that you were somebody else isn't going to make your life better. Embracing who you are is.
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k00laid
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: Dawks]
#14484377 - 05/20/11 01:12 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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OP is choosing to be a victim, plain and simple.
take control of your life.
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RealRollForever
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: k00laid]
#14484641 - 05/20/11 02:11 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
k00laid said: OP is choosing to be a victim, plain and simple.
take control of your life.

right on bro
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Subconscious
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: RealRollForever]
#14484905 - 05/20/11 03:09 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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It seems pretty rediculous to blame a mushroom trip from 4 years ago for all the problems in your life today.
People live, change, and mature with or without mushrooms. People have all of these same social problems with or without mushrooms... honestly it just sounds like you want something to blame.
Try to live your life and enjoy yourself... dwelling on the person you were 4 years ago and what you "could have been" isn't going to get you anywhere. The path is ahead... stop looking back and start living.
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PrimalSoup
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Re: Obsessed about my shroom trip 4 years ago...PLEASE HELP [Re: ataup]
#14485115 - 05/20/11 03:50 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
I keep comparing myself to before and after my shrooms trip. Ugh...I feel like shrooms took innocence before I was ready for my innocence to leave. Maybe I need to do them again to stop obsessing over this. These thoughts have taken over my life. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE SENSE OF THIS!
I think you're obsessing about it. Almost any drug will change you, at least temporarily. Get back on the golden path and do some serious exploration with shrooms. Many people have talked here about how it helped them with social anxiety. I've never had that kind of problem, so YMMV.
PS
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