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Leopard Day Thief
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Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 702
Loc: Los Angeles
i'm pretty distraught
    #1445500 - 04/10/03 03:03 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Today was the fueneral of one of my former coworkers, Atul. He'd had a sudden heartattack and died. I came home from his ceremony in the morning.. a traditional Indian ceremony, with thousands of rose petals and all.. But today was just this lingering feeling of death looming around all over. Now just a while ago I get a call from my dad.. My cat has died. Maybe it seems trivial compared to other problems in the world but it's a big deal for me. I raised him from when he was a kitten.. i adopted him when I was 14.

I don't know what to say now, I'm just so distraught. Today was beautiful and somehow it all turned to shit.

I used to be addicted to pills (barbiturates, vicodin and oxycodone) and H. I stopped and now I use them occaisionally. I feel so bad though, I just want to do a ton of vicodin or go buy a bunch of h and do it all at once.. I'm split between doing this or not... Think it would be okay?

"live fast, die fast"

-- gg allin

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point of inflection
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Registered: 04/17/01
Posts: 19,341
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: Lyena]
    #1445538 - 04/10/03 03:26 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I'm split between doing this or not... Think it would be okay?

Probably not  :crazy:

you know how addictive they are...

You're here because you know something.
What you know you can't explain,
But you feel it;
You've felt it your entire life.
That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there....
Like a splinter in your mind...
Driving you mad.

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73rd Man
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Registered: 04/01/03
Posts: 2,601
Loc: North Central Arkansas
Last seen: 3 years, 2 months
Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: trendal]
    #1445617 - 04/10/03 04:20 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

This is the real crunch they're always talking about, the emotional state we're unfamiliar with that we have to endure somehow for our own sake. I'm sorry to hear about your loss. There is no answer for the ache of love, only continuing love and later hope - I'm not into platitudes - I haven't ever gotten over the three losses I've had over the last few years. Some times it's all I can do not to just crumble with it. I cope by refusing to project my heartache onto their memory - I always remember them happy and imagine that if anyone would go to bat for me out there, it would surely be them.
I can't tell you whether or not to take the dose - I always felt guilty about trying to avoid mourning for those so worthy of it.......but I did once. It was a lingering departure and almost a relief - and I think I just relaxed in that case and wanted to sleep. It's different when it happens so suddenly and rudely. I think either way, God will understand.
Take care as best you can, and don't regret your grief or the weeping you do for those who are certainly worth it....

Yours in the Natural State!
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep; but I have patches to keep, and jars to sterilize before I sleep...."

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Amateur Mycologist

Registered: 05/28/02
Posts: 3,774
Loc: Arizona
Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: Lyena]
    #1449681 - 04/11/03 02:25 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Think it would be okay?

I would strongly advise against it, Lyena. Taking pills to deal with problems like this, however tragic they may be, is not a good thing to do. Of course this is going to be a difficult, shitty time in your life, but just try to rely on your own strength and perseverance to get through. It won't last forever. Soon you will be worried about other, less important things again. And if you make it through this tough time without relying on pills for help, you will feel a lot better about yourself in the long run. Just find some other ways to cope with the pain. Talk to your friends or family about it. Please don't take the pills.

Good luck, and sorry to hear about your losses!



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Registered: 04/19/02
Posts: 5,240
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Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: RebelSteve33]
    #1451078 - 04/11/03 11:28 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

I don't know what to say, because I don't want to say the wrong thing. I wish you the best of luck, and know things will turn out right. I personally would probably eat the pills, but that is me. I don't know if that would be a bad choice or not. Sometimes they have a therapeutic effect. However depending on the type of person you are, they might also lead to addiction or you might go too far and overdose. If you do decide to do drugs, just be very careful. The Shroomery would feel bad if anything happened to you.

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Registered: 05/14/00
Posts: 2,114
Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: Lyena]
    #1451720 - 04/12/03 04:29 AM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Well, giving you advice after the fact is kind of silly, but-

If you're asking us if it's okay, it's because you know it's not.

And it also probably means you were going to do it regardless.
If you feel surrounded by death, getting back into a barbituate/ opiate addiction is death; I mean, I can't see how throwing depressants at your depression is going to make things better.

I won't say drugs are never the way out of a bad mood because I know sometimes a big sticky bowl of buds is the perfect cure to a stressful day, and sometimes getting drunk with your friends is the most satisfying end to a shitty week. But it sounds like this is kind of a different situation you're in.

It should make you think about how fragile and valuable life is. As in, make the most of this one- spend time with your parents, call your boyfriend, or write some old friends you haven't talked to in a while, go to the SPCA and adopt another kitten- I don't know, just anything but medicating yourself into a stupor where you're going to feel worse about yourself when you come out of it.

[& if all you really needed was a hug, it would be worth the 15 min. drive...]

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Anonymous #1

Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: Lyena]
    #1452147 - 04/12/03 12:44 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

- Post History Deleted Upon User's Request -

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Posts: 12,750
Loc: South Florida
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Re: i'm pretty distraught [Re: Lyena]
    #1455516 - 04/13/03 10:28 PM (13 years, 6 months ago)

Death often constellates synchronicities - a fancy way of saying that at YOUR center of the universe, strange coincidences are taking place. This happens, and it has important implications about how the universe works. I realize that death is painful to survivors, but instead of focusing on the pain that attends life's lessons (which is what every junkie does, which is why one becomes a junkie) - take a look at what is happening and inquire about what it all means instead.

Narcotics addicts all obsess about the pain of existence, not necessarily aloud, and determine that THEIR lives and deaths are gonna be pain-free, so they do dope. It's not all about your pain, or my pain, or the fact that pain is part of the human condition. It is all about the MEANING of existence. So pardon me for sounding hard on you, but I've been an addictions counselor for 20 years, and offering any kind of soothing words is just useless bulls**t compared to the self-soothing that opiates and barbs provide - we both know that. You don't need anyone's permission here, neither do you need anyone's sympathy - you can provide both. Tell me I'm wrong.

Do 'I' think it's OK for you to use dope (since you're asking)? That is the same question as 'Do you think it's OK for me to commit [painless] suicide because life and the anxiety about death causes me so much pain?' The answer is NO. NO, it is not OK. You haven't even figured out that it is a very rare priviledge to be given conscious awareness in a largely inorganic universe...and you want to take this gift and flush it?! I'm truly sorry your friend and your cat died. I know this pain. My response is to try to help alleviate YOUR suffering, believe it or not, by this confrontation. Take yourself to an NA meeting. Learn to thank God that your time has not yet come to you (it's not your's to waste, so stop getting wasted), and go out and help someone, instead of luxuriating in self-pity like you are probably used to doing. Then, perhaps, you can find the Real Source of peace and fearlessness through learning compassion and love.

I sincerely hope you choose Life.

γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself

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