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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order

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Invisiblevampirism
Stranger
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Registered: 03/14/04
Posts: 8,120
poem
    #1444266 - 04/09/03 09:25 PM (18 years, 9 months ago)

just wrote a poem, its still rough but id like some opinions/comments:

draining life
spiraling hell
darkness enter
hide my ruins
the bloody remains
long since cleared

mother earth
heal my sorrows
resurrect the living
bring death
to the dead

Madness echoes
shadows embrace
reality becons
i turn my face

i crush the herbs
they cover my lips
the lotus burns
perception recoils

the poison has left
the damage done
the sweetness sung
and the addiction formed...


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InvisibleRebelSteve33
Amateur Mycologist
Male

Registered: 05/28/02
Posts: 3,774
Loc: Arizona
Re: poem [Re: ]
    #1444334 - 04/09/03 09:44 PM (18 years, 9 months ago)

Pretty good, although I don't understand some of it.  I like the "mother earth, heal my sorrows" part the best.  The poem has good diction and syntax.  One thing, though.  It's 'beacons,' not 'becons.'

:smile:

-RebelSteve 


--------------------
Namaste.


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OfflineAlobar
A Bucket of Lard

Registered: 01/13/03
Posts: 322
Last seen: 16 years, 4 months
Re: poem [Re: RebelSteve33]
    #1446654 - 04/10/03 02:55 PM (18 years, 9 months ago)

Don't mean to be an ass, but actually it's "beckons," unless the poet is trying to say "reality beacons," as in a guide post or warning... Either way, it works.


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Unfolding Nature Shop: Unfolding Nature: Being in the Implicate Order


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