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OfflineLinux
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Registered: 08/21/08
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Loc: Eastpointe, MI 48021 Flag
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Matters of the Mind
    #14433439 - 05/11/11 05:23 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Ive been without sleep for prolly 3 days and im starting to go. But I can't take non-narcotic drugs cause they dampen my ability to create and precess my thoughts in order. Also I won't be eating anything cause it takes the urge to feed myself away and I have to force feed myself or I get really sick. and yes Ive been on them all for all the amounts of time. I have been trying to fix myself over the last 10 years only to be tearing myself apart 10000x faster than any one can fix.

Im just going to keep figuring things out and focus but im scared that something big is going down due to a recent very intense vivid dream about the would being destroyed by the most complex invasion from outer space ever. I have never ever seen and or experienced any dream this real FUCKING EVER without waking up, breathing a sigh of relief and then falling back to sleep. but this dream really shook me.
At one point I realize im either dreaming or im on drugs, or having a seizure (I have had a few, the docs never say why- but i never remember anything for a minute or so before the seizure, nothing during, nothing for the time after I stop flailing around and certainly nothing during the hallucinations after the flailing. I know I do that because I have broke peoples ribs that were trying to stop me from flailing. I guess I always yell "get her away from me she's going to kill me" no one has let me run to where ever im trying to get but most likely it would be dead running around here acting crazy)
Idk im having issues thinking about all this cause its so big. its like a bunch of puzzle pieces and the scary part is they all look like they came from the same puzzle for me.

I see shadow people when im manic.
They jump out from behind things and it freaks you out when you're driving.

I talked to this shadow girl that was created by the light that was flowing from my refrigerator door which it's weird because they tend to live in the dark better but this one was different, and a girl. I seen her after being up fora few days. went to get more water and when I opened the door i thought my girl had followed me down the hall but it wasn't a real person. She was made of smoke not skin, i though at the time she was a pr ejection. so i humored myself and asked her wat she was doing.
she said, you're not going to make it.
i say, yea i am.
she says, no you're not.
i say, Yes I Am.
She says with a real sweet but evil voice, noooooooooo youuuuuuurrrrrrrr nnnnnoooooooottttt
I FUCKING SCREAM YES I AM! and slammed the fridge shut and opened real quick and that destroyed her.
Well my roommate and girlfriend knew i seen and talked to things that were aether not there or they just couldn't see them so knowing its 3 in the morn and im talking in the empty never triggered them to come check shit out until I got pissed. Shadow people were never mean to me before that day.
The worst one didn't speak and looked like a daemon. I was manic and dope sick in my mothers basement when he appeared. he had red eyes and was made of smoke. when I closed my eyes I could still see him. he told me telepathically that I couldn't not see him. I got up and just ran up stars from the basement to the second floor. for a dope sick junkie I was moving. I went into convulsions in my moms room but it was not a seizure it was out of pure fear that this was getting bad. Signs?
 
- im trying to find out why and have a bunch of ideas. most of them center around me being a bad person to some one, some thing or just not being thank full enough for the life I had. I had a house the most amazing girl. a awesome friend and roommate that wasn't addicted to heroin because of me. this was in 05 I remember cause I lost my girl and it all went bad after 21. I had all kinds of shit man. I had all the latest electronics, a modded xbox with millions of games. the maxed out cable. all kinds of tools. a car. a job making 25$ an hour working a tech job for a township. and I had my girl. We had sex for the very first time together and I wasn't grateful. I got her to let girls stay in our bed and shit and even went as far as having her allow me to get another girl involved in us. I wasn't gratefully. I had it all.
I had a gramma, a grampa a little brother a TRUE friend that was still alive. I had more than I could ever ask for from any one now and forever. I just wasn't gratefully and I blame me for it all.
I got most of the drugs I was the one who always wanted to try the next thing. I was a whiny little asshole and I can see that if there is a power greater than myself and he's malevolent why I would lose so much in such a hard way. I FEEL punished so there for im being punished. BE GRATE FULL, but you won't be unless im just that unlucky to have never ever met a person that has ever not lost something after being told to be gratefully for it, disregarding the advice and losing it.

Rite now im nothing but a couch sleeping bum with
a garbage bag full of cloths
a backpack with
a few notepads
some pens
A Knife
flashlight
Belt
and some new friends that are letting me pay 100$ to stay on the couch for the month.

Im still hungry for life and ready for a fight I just have to get it all out, figure shit out but its going to be hard after all the cards I've been dealt.
I think its key that Im still fighting.

In my dream the other night i feel like i nailed my coffin shut by being ungrateful.
When the walls were literally crumbling around me. giant machines were shooting electricity from them demolishing earth I was in a building. the huge human like robots were tearing shit up. and these people , one of them busted a hole in the wall and looked at me. I asked him in the most scared way why they were doing this the told me "you guys had your chance, we're taking over the world now and turning into a nuclear planet"
I have no clue even what that means. what i do know is after i was told that I remember seeing the faces of my mom, my ex and my dead grandmother looking at me. my grama had something green on her nose for some reason. I remember these little monitors flying from window to window from undemolished to undimolished buildings. they were telling use we were going to be exterminated and to basically be calm cause we were defenseless and pretty much ants to them.

Even in this situation I still failed to see how important these people were to me. Now looking back they were scared and I should have out of human instinct went to them to comfort THEM but instead I just kept trying to say "THIS IS JUST A DREAM THIS IS JUST A DREAM THIS IS JUST A DREAM" over and over and over.

Then out of pure fear of this being a reality I reached in my pants to check for my dick. It was there so I pinched the tip and it felt numb, but I had some pain. so WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? I gently slapped my ex! then when she failed to show any emotion to it I slapped her again but harder. and when that failed I slapped her as hard as I could and realized i was not in the world i was born in.

:sad:

I felt so much better and convinced myself this was just a dream. I told my mom this isn't real. she said yes it is. I said no its not and she pretty much gave up the act and was just like well that sucks I'll see you later and then I ran off and did evil things. Now that im taking the time to put the pieces of this dream together, half ass, It makes me really feel cold, weak and like a fucking POS.


--------------------

I'm just a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.


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Invisiblekoraks
Registered: 06/02/03
Posts: 26,672
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: Linux]
    #14433443 - 05/11/11 05:27 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

TLDR;?

Anyway, sounds like you need a good night's sleep.


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OfflineHumility
Working on it
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Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 6,745
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: koraks]
    #14433515 - 05/11/11 06:06 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Sleep is important.


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OfflineLinux
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Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 1,787
Loc: Eastpointe, MI 48021 Flag
Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: Humility]
    #14433524 - 05/11/11 06:10 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

When your natural sleep cycle makes you manic and see fucking smoke people what do you do?

Call up a 3rd world country and let them know food is important :cookiemonster:


--------------------

I'm just a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.


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Invisiblesandi
omg


Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 796
Loc: M6 (Butterfly Cluster)
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: Humility]
    #14433535 - 05/11/11 06:14 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

You have an outlook that a lot of people don't ever get - you realize now that you should have been grateful for what you were given, but weren't. Realizing why you lost it....you can get it back again, and keep it, but also let those around you know and help you and support you...I hope you find sleep soon...


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OfflineLinux
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Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 1,787
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Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: sandi]
    #14433614 - 05/11/11 06:55 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Thank you for that insight. I woke up 4 days ago over an hour ago so im starting to get fuzzy so excuse all my grammar errors. The screen literally looks like I dosed on mushrooms rite about now.

I think I have began to figure this all out a million times before, making different amounts of progress and then gave up or ran into something I couldn't do without help and failed to progress and regressed back forgetting a lot of key things that I just fought so hard to figure out.

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thi


--------------------

I'm just a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.


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OfflineHumility
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Registered: 10/07/08
Posts: 6,745
Last seen: 6 years, 11 months
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: Linux]
    #14433674 - 05/11/11 07:25 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Is there a reason why you *aren't* going to sleep?


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OfflineLinux
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Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 1,787
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Last seen: 12 years, 4 months
Re: Matters of the Mind [Re: Humility]
    #14433959 - 05/11/11 09:07 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Do you not understand what mania is? chemical imbalances mixed with deep seeded regrets behind me and huge hurtles ahead. UMMMMMM im a recovering alcoholic, the DT's are just today after 8 days tolerable.
It was so bad the 2nd day I had to be hospitalized to prevent me dying from the DT's, from legal liquor. This is a tri-yearly cycle pretty much. All the nurses know me by my first name. Alcohol is a hell of a drug and when I use it I use it as medicine and not the way "normal" people do. This adds another factor of chemical imbalance.

Im an addict and I went on a 2 day coke and morphine, amph bender from the 1st to the 2nd that spun me quite a bit. Of course that let to me drinking a 5th of 5oclock and 4 - 7 beers a day till I got a wake up call to pull my head out my ass, 68 people have been arrested for dealing around me and a lot of them I delt with, not sell but make deals trades and shit. You get paranoid about being paranoid. ONE OF THE MANY WONDERFUL THINGS ANY ONE WHOS THINKING OF ABUSING DRUGS TO THE MAX HAS TO LOOK FORWARD TOO

The last sweep lit up a good friend, I kinda feel responsible for using around some people that may have been influenced by watching me do it and handle shit almost BAU for like half a year. Most people that like to be high, if they score dope with you and you party even if its a group of 10 non-junkies + 1 junky after they see you melt into heavens vagina and launch your bitter load into god and be more fucked up in a minute then they get off snorting all there dope and having to wait for the effects I could bet some people would try it and once you do it's been done. Cause you never think of anything the same way after... if you're pushing the limit do it alone :sad:


--------------------

I'm just a psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.


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