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Anonymous #1

I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation...
    #14421665 - 05/08/11 08:38 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Don't develop feelings.

Female here, hear me out...

So I've been hanging out with this guy for the last two months or so. I guess you could say we're FWB. Sometimes we hook up drunk after the bars, but I also go to his place a lot to just hang out and watch movies (and eventually have sex). We almost never jump straight to sex, we usually do something first (like watch a movie or just hang out and talk). So in that sense, it feels like something more.

From the beginning we've kind of both said we were just looking to have fun. But I think I'm developing feelings. It first hit me when I went out of town for a week, a few weeks ago, and found myself missing him.

Paranoid thoughts have started running through my head lately about "He probably never even wants to actually hang out, he's just in it for the sex. He just watches movies with me because he figures that's the trade off. I get to hang out with a cool guy, he gets to get sex out of me."

So I'm thinking about just ending the whole situation altogether. I really am NOT one to look at a guy in the eyes and tell him how I feel about him. I tend to have strong walls that I really don't let down for anyone. Maybe I'm being totally irrational here.. but I just feel like maybe I ought to end this before he hurts me. Plus he's graduating and leaving in about 2 months.

I just can't tell him how I feel. Plus, I don't think he feels the same. How should I go about ending it (if I decide that's what I want to do)?

Also, on a side note.. He seems to think I'm seeing other guys. One night we were at the bars and I got really drunk and sketched out (aka passed out at a friends place) and he mentioned later on that he "figured I had gone home with some other guy". So sometimes the pathetic hope inside of me thinks that maybe he does like me, and he's just as afraid as I am to open up because he thinks I'm not interested and am screwing around with other guys.

Edited by Anonymous (05/08/11 08:43 PM)

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OfflineJoolz
Male

Registered: 09/19/10
Posts: 3,614
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14421713 - 05/08/11 08:48 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Just have a conversation with him. Say you're developing feelings and want to stop before anything happens. Who knows, maybe he'll say he's developing feelings?


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Prohibition didn't work for God; Eve ate the fruit.

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OfflineBargainBab
Hey Dere Ho Dere
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Registered: 04/04/11
Posts: 1,178
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14421716 - 05/08/11 08:48 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

A female?
On the shroomery?  :highdog:


--------------------
Oh wow, GOOD Nyborg!

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Anonymous #1

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: BargainBab]
    #14421758 - 05/08/11 08:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Joolz said:
Just have a conversation with him. Say you're developing feelings and want to stop before anything happens. Who knows, maybe he'll say he's developing feelings?




Ugh. I know that's the most logical route, but I honestly can't even remember the last time I opened up to a guy and shared my feelings. Sure I can tell a guy off if he pisses me off, I can express THOSE kind of feelings.. but I can't open myself up to the kind of vulnerability and tell someone my feelings when I know there's the (usually high, in my case) risk of rejection.

Quote:

BargainBab said:
A female?
On the shroomery?  :highdog:




I know, hard to believe ehh?

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OfflineJoolz
Male

Registered: 09/19/10
Posts: 3,614
Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14422324 - 05/08/11 10:35 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

We all get rejected. I've been rejected many times because I was too much of a romantic and not enough of a douche bag. You don't have to "open up" just say that things are getting out of hand emotionally and you would like to stop before it gets any worse.


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Prohibition didn't work for God; Eve ate the fruit.

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Anonymous #2

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Joolz]
    #14423027 - 05/09/11 02:37 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

I just feel like maybe I ought to end this before he hurts me.  Plus he's graduating and leaving in about 2 months.


Why would you end it when he is leaving in a few months anyway.  Its likely gonna hurt just as bad either way.  If you enjoy spending time with him and want to see if the feeling is mutual than cut the sex out for a little while.  I mean not that it matters as far as the relationship is concerned, he is leaving anyway.  If anything it'll give you experience for gauging others in the future, to tell the difference between sincere affection and plain old lust.

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OfflineBipolarbear
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Registered: 05/23/10
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #2] * 1
    #14423370 - 05/09/11 07:02 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Tell him how you feel.  If he doesn't feel the same way about you then break it off as you were going to anyway but if not you can have a good couple of months unless you're the type to become clingy and he leaves and it just destroys your world.

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Offlinefbi365
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Registered: 02/07/11
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Bipolarbear]
    #14425113 - 05/09/11 03:11 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

First of all, developing feelings in a FWB situation is the rule not the exception.  Every experience I have had with FWB someone has ended up developing feelings. 

Unfortunately, I see two options for you.  1) Tell him how you feel.  Yep, sorry, you gotta woman up and do it.  Maybe he doesn't realize your feelings for him.  And if you are just honest with him, perhaps he will come to terms with his own feelings for you. 

2) Take a break from him.  Time apart could help you.  But of course, he will probably want to know why you are giving him the cold shoulder.  In which case, I refer you back to option 1.


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OfflineJoolz
Male

Registered: 09/19/10
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Last seen: 11 years, 4 months
Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: fbi365]
    #14425524 - 05/09/11 04:42 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

You know what you have to do. It isn't going to be easy, but then again, if life was easy it wouldn't be fun. You aren't going to die from going up to this guy and telling him "hey, I have developed feelings. Do you feel the same way? Or should we just end this before it hurts one of us?"

There's a yes and no answer right there. There's only two ways it can go. It will end, or he will confess that he also likes you, and then maybe you can have a few months/he'll come back from school and be with you.

But you have to come to terms with him on your feelings.


--------------------
Prohibition didn't work for God; Eve ate the fruit.

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Anonymous #1

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Joolz]
    #14425984 - 05/09/11 06:02 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Never mind. It's over.

Background story here.. about one week after the first time we kissed, he madeout with my "best friend". Except he didn't tell me until a month after that (after we had already had sex). He said "look I figured you'll probably find out anyway, but I wanted you to hear it from me.. I madeout with your friend ____ once, but that's all that happened and I wouldn't do that to you now". I was angry, but I forgave him (not her of course).

I just found out, about an hour ago, that he drunk texted my OTHER friend at 1 am the other night saying "hey what are you doing?". I think it's clear what he wanted out of her. I'm done with him.

Not sure how to go about approaching THIS new situation now. Any feedback is welcomed.

I want to say "Look this isn't working out for me. I understand that you never wanted anything more than casual with me, but I thought you would have had enough respect for me to NOT try and fuck every one of my friends. It sucks because I really had feelings for you too."

But I feel like that sounds too psycho jealous ex-girlfriend.

I choose such shitty guys.

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Anonymous #2

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14426126 - 05/09/11 06:26 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Never mind. It's over.

Background story here.. about one week after the first time we kissed, he madeout with my "best friend". Except he didn't tell me until a month after that (after we had already had sex). He said "look I figured you'll probably find out anyway, but I wanted you to hear it from me.. I madeout with your friend ____ once, but that's all that happened and I wouldn't do that to you now". I was angry, but I forgave him (not her of course).

I just found out, about an hour ago, that he drunk texted my OTHER friend at 1 am the other night saying "hey what are you doing?". I think it's clear what he wanted out of her. I'm done with him.

Not sure how to go about approaching THIS new situation now. Any feedback is welcomed.

I want to say "Look this isn't working out for me. I understand that you never wanted anything more than casual with me, but I thought you would have had enough respect for me to NOT try and fuck every one of my friends. It sucks because I really had feelings for you too."

But I feel like that sounds too psycho jealous ex-girlfriend.

I choose such shitty guys.



He was a fuck buddy, you made that clear, its not like he cheated on you.  If you want a monogamous relationship you should say that from the start, instead of half way through changing your mind.

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Anonymous #1

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #14426147 - 05/09/11 06:31 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Never mind. It's over.

Background story here.. about one week after the first time we kissed, he madeout with my "best friend". Except he didn't tell me until a month after that (after we had already had sex). He said "look I figured you'll probably find out anyway, but I wanted you to hear it from me.. I madeout with your friend ____ once, but that's all that happened and I wouldn't do that to you now". I was angry, but I forgave him (not her of course).

I just found out, about an hour ago, that he drunk texted my OTHER friend at 1 am the other night saying "hey what are you doing?". I think it's clear what he wanted out of her. I'm done with him.

Not sure how to go about approaching THIS new situation now. Any feedback is welcomed.

I want to say "Look this isn't working out for me. I understand that you never wanted anything more than casual with me, but I thought you would have had enough respect for me to NOT try and fuck every one of my friends. It sucks because I really had feelings for you too."

But I feel like that sounds too psycho jealous ex-girlfriend.

I choose such shitty guys.



He was a fuck buddy, you made that clear, its not like he cheated on you.  If you want a monogamous relationship you should say that from the start, instead of half way through changing your mind.





Yes I understand, but trying to get with one of my BEST friends? I mean cmon. Especially after he did it before, felt guilty, and told me.

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Offlinefbi365
Captain of the Sinking Ship
Male


Registered: 02/07/11
Posts: 2,857
Loc: Nowhere
Last seen: 5 months, 11 days
Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #14426238 - 05/09/11 06:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Never mind. It's over.

Background story here.. about one week after the first time we kissed, he madeout with my "best friend". Except he didn't tell me until a month after that (after we had already had sex). He said "look I figured you'll probably find out anyway, but I wanted you to hear it from me.. I madeout with your friend ____ once, but that's all that happened and I wouldn't do that to you now". I was angry, but I forgave him (not her of course).

I just found out, about an hour ago, that he drunk texted my OTHER friend at 1 am the other night saying "hey what are you doing?". I think it's clear what he wanted out of her. I'm done with him.

Not sure how to go about approaching THIS new situation now. Any feedback is welcomed.

I want to say "Look this isn't working out for me. I understand that you never wanted anything more than casual with me, but I thought you would have had enough respect for me to NOT try and fuck every one of my friends. It sucks because I really had feelings for you too."

But I feel like that sounds too psycho jealous ex-girlfriend.

I choose such shitty guys.



He was a fuck buddy, you made that clear, its not like he cheated on you.  If you want a monogamous relationship you should say that from the start, instead of half way through changing your mind.




Agreed.  If you want boundaries.  Then you have to set them.  Nothing about Friends With Benefits precludes him from doing anything with your friends. 

Look, stop acting like you are 16 and either talk to him or call it quits.  I talked to my friend and told her almost exactly what you said above about how I have feelings for her, and her treating me so casually wasn't going to work out for me.  So I needed some time.  We didn't talk for a week and a half.  At which point she realized how strong her feelings for me are too.  Now things are right where I want them.     

I understand you are jealous.  I am the most jealous person I know.  But I am learning from the generous people here in the Shroomery's Sex & Relationships forum.  That in these cases you gotta come out with it. 

Read my thread here.  It Has a lot of stuff specific to my unique situation, but it also has a lot of stuff you might find useful...  http://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/14314569


--------------------



Edited by fbi365 (05/09/11 06:50 PM)

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Anonymous #3

delete [Re: fbi365]
    #14427926 - 05/10/11 01:44 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

delete

Edited by Anonymous (02/07/13 12:06 PM)

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Offlinefbi365
Captain of the Sinking Ship
Male


Registered: 02/07/11
Posts: 2,857
Loc: Nowhere
Last seen: 5 months, 11 days
Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #14429328 - 05/10/11 11:14 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:whathesaid: A drunk text doesn't mean shit. He was probably drunk anyway, hence the saying "drunk text."  People say and do shit they don't mean all the time drunk, especially in text.  Furthermore, "hey what are you doing" implies nothing other than an question about what the other is up to.

Stop reading past what is said.  It will drive you crazy!  You cannot know what he meant when he texted her, short of asking him, which you shouldn't do.

I just reread your post.  I noticed he said that he thought you left with another guy the other night.  He was probably really bummed out by this.  Again, misunderstandings really screw things up. 

My friend and I were at the bar the other night, and she ended up leaving with someone other than me.  And I am pretty sure they were holding each other's hand.  As far as I know, nothing happened.  He probably just dropped her off and went on his way.  Anyway, I just freaked out.  This was the same day she told me she made out with some dirty hippy at the bar the night before. 

I had a come apart, not on her, but later at home.  I drank until I fell face first on the tile.  I was so disappointed at myself and her and very angry.  I took these things as sure signs that she didn't like me.  And that I was doomed to love someone who didn't love me back.  That I was an idiot for even letting myself get to that point.  That she was just fucking around with me all along. 

But you know what.  We didn't have boundaries, because I never told her how I felt.  She had every right to kiss and leave with whomever she wanted.  A week later I told her how I felt, and how her doing those things made me feel, and how I couldn't be around her if she was going to do those things. 

Now, this didn't fix everything.  But we both have an understanding.  And I found out just how much she actually does care about me in spite of all her behavior that might indicate the contrary. 

Lesson of this post: don't read so far into his actions.  He may be ignorant of how it makes you feel.  He may mean no ill will by it.  You just really don't know because you can't have an honest conversation with him.  Seems like the misunderstanding level between you two is at an all-time high :lol:

Let us know how it turns out...


--------------------



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OfflineUzziel
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Registered: 12/30/10
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14429389 - 05/10/11 11:26 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Never mind. It's over.

Background story here.. about one week after the first time we kissed, he madeout with my "best friend". Except he didn't tell me until a month after that (after we had already had sex). He said "look I figured you'll probably find out anyway, but I wanted you to hear it from me.. I madeout with your friend ____ once, but that's all that happened and I wouldn't do that to you now". I was angry, but I forgave him (not her of course).

I just found out, about an hour ago, that he drunk texted my OTHER friend at 1 am the other night saying "hey what are you doing?". I think it's clear what he wanted out of her. I'm done with him.

Not sure how to go about approaching THIS new situation now. Any feedback is welcomed.

I want to say "Look this isn't working out for me. I understand that you never wanted anything more than casual with me, but I thought you would have had enough respect for me to NOT try and fuck every one of my friends. It sucks because I really had feelings for you too."

But I feel like that sounds too psycho jealous ex-girlfriend.

I choose such shitty guys.



He was a fuck buddy, you made that clear, its not like he cheated on you.  If you want a monogamous relationship you should say that from the start, instead of half way through changing your mind.





Yes I understand, but trying to get with one of my BEST friends? I mean cmon. Especially after he did it before, felt guilty, and told me.




That is why you get a partner, not some fuck buddy. There are no rules to being fuck buddies... fair is fair, and you're best friend let him. It's not just him. Maybe you're best friend even initiated it or led him on. You don't know. If I was led on by a girl and even if I had a FWB, I'd still fuck her. :shrug:

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OfflineEskimoRide
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Uzziel]
    #14429855 - 05/10/11 01:27 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

him pointing out that you "probably went home with another guy" possibly shows how he was searching for assurance that you DIDNT .... you are not a couple, stop punishing him. bottom line. assuming his intentions is only generating negative energy for you so i would suggest you not do that. talk to him. get facts on where you stand, all this assuming has got to go.

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OfflineTri High
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #14429964 - 05/10/11 01:55 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Wait for him to leave for school, kiss him goodbye, and end on good terms.


--------------------
you just need money to get laid - starfire_xes

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Anonymous #4

Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Tri High]
    #14430187 - 05/10/11 02:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

If you give it up without expecting anything in return, that's how it will always be.  I've also always believed that being friends with benefits was mutually monogamous.  If you are fuck buddies then all rules are off.  If you are friends and do stuff before you fuck then you're an asshole.

Edited by Anonymous (05/10/11 03:02 PM)

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Offlinefbi365
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Registered: 02/07/11
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Re: I broke the number 1 rule of a FWB situation... [Re: Anonymous #4]
    #14430354 - 05/10/11 03:25 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
If you give it up without expecting anything in return, that's how it will always be.  I've also always believed that being friends with benefits was mutually monogamous.  If you are fuck buddies then all rules are off.  If you are friends and do stuff before you fuck then you're an asshole.




I think no matter what you call it, the meaning is ambiguous.


--------------------



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