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Anonymous #1

If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict...
    #14422229 - 05/08/11 10:17 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

It's getting harder and harder to live each day. Sifting through the broken promises, lies, manipulation, and destruction.

This is someone I gave up everything for. I left my home, my friends, my entire life behind... to start anew with him. What I didn't know was that he had already started anew behind my back... with heroin.

Now I'm stuck here with no one but myself for support. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the person he used to be. The person who was my soulmate. Those glimpses get rarer and rarer each day.

Each day I brace myself for a new disappointment, a fresh wound, a new rock bottom for me while he goes in search of his ever-elusive rock bottom.

The only reason I'm still here is because I took a vow that I'd like to keep... "through good times and bad, in sickness and health..." but god knows the priest who wrote that wasn't married to a heroin addict.

I found this letter posted online at a support forum for families, and anyone really, anyone who's tied their lives to a junkie:
______________________
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
______________________

I can't even begin to describe how it wears at me, emotionally and spiritually, to live this letter every day.

I'm far from an anti-drug preacher. Just someone who knows the difference between mind-altering substance use and life-destroying substance abuse.

I've heard every single excuse, lie, justification behind a heroin habit daily for the past two years.

Until recently, I thought I was staying strong for him. After this recent round of pure bullshit, and after finding the letter above, I resolved to start looking out for myself, because he sure wasn't looking out for me. Among other things, he would like nothing better than for me to join him in his vein-twisting, heart-numbing escape.

Resolving to focus on my own well being got me through a couple of weeks, but the blows keep on coming and today I find myself ready to just call it quits.

I can't save him, I can't save myself, and I'm about ready to just take myself out of the picture.

Anyone with an addict in the family knows this: the addict and his addiction is always the focus of attention, the one whom helping hands reach out to. Nobody notices the person who cleans up the mess at 4am when he's nodded out face first in a bowl of spagetti. Nobody notices the person who works their ass off to make sure the addict isn't living on the streets. Nobody notices the person who dials every ER in town when the addict goes missing. Nobody notices the person who has to maintain sanity and juggle responsibility in the face of a neverending stream of lies and manipulation.

Nobody notices until they look at you and say "You're the enabler! You should realize his addiction is not about you!" Your cries for help take a backseat to the circus of addiction... you could slice your flesh open for the world to see your wounds, and still self-injury is nothing compared to a heroin addict.

I just want things to go back to how they were. But even I know that's never going to happen.

I don't know what I'm hoping for, but I had to cast these words out there. If anyone reads this and understands, thank you, that's more than I could ask for.


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OfflineLuv2shrOOm
The quiet one
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Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #14422265 - 05/08/11 10:25 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

wow...i hope you get the strenght to do what you need to do.


--------------------
"To alcohol, the cause of AND solution to...all life's problems"          -Homer Simpson-


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Offlinemantis90
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Registered: 09/30/07
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Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Luv2shrOOm]
    #14422330 - 05/08/11 10:36 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Wow, I could not imagine..  Goodluck is all I can say. :heart:


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Invisiblememes
Blessed


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Registered: 01/11/05
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Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: mantis90]
    #14423176 - 05/09/11 05:18 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Best of luck.  Gotta be tough.  Take care of you first.


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OfflineManianFHS
living in perverty
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Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14423196 - 05/09/11 05:37 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

As much as I want to empathize with you for doing the right thing, I want to put more emphasis on you doing the right thing for You.

Obviously you know what that is. What would it take for you to leave this person?


--------------------
notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."


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InvisibleFerdinando
Male

Registered: 11/15/09
Posts: 3,664
Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: ManianFH]
    #14423532 - 05/09/11 08:09 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

maybe if he comes clean he will see his mistake(s)
if there is any way of you getting him to a rehab center then I think you should do that
otherwise leave him..
is my opinion
good luck


--------------------
with our love with our love we could save the world


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OfflineHollowed
Stranger

Registered: 04/29/11
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Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14423818 - 05/09/11 10:01 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, and I'm not just going to tell you "good luck" like so many others would.

My brother (Lets call him Mike, for secrecy's sake.) is a heroine addict. When I was 8 we lost our home because of my brothers drug use. We spent almost a year homeless. When I was 12 we lost our home again, but it was different this time, he was 18 now so we could leave him; and so we did. we moved out of state, far far away, and hoped to never look back. We came back.

He ended up living with us again, bringing his girlfriend, (Lets call her Michelle) whom he has gotten addicted to heroine as well. They claimed they were going to get married. They lived with us for like 3 or 4 years. My mom tried desperately to get them into rehab, and eventually did. Michelle ran away from the rehab facility and called my mom to come get her. She then lived at home with my mother and my sister,(I was living out of state, because I couldn't handle living with them at the time) until Mike got out of rehab. The first night he was out, they were already using again.

Eventually I told them I was fed up with living with them. I was tired of all my mothers money being stolen and used to buy heroine. I was tired of them bringing the whole household down. I was tired of my mom trying harder, and harder to help them, and all they would was spit in her face.

I moved away. I moved to a place where they can't touch me. I don't ever want to be found by him. I don't think I can ever forgive him for all the atrocities hes committed. I know for a fact that when they were selling heroine, that they were responsible for the addiction of 10+ people and the death of at least 3 (one of whom was a 12 year old boy.)

I used to love my brother unconditionally. I used to look up to him. I was always at his side, wanting to be with him. Ever since I was little, I was walking with him, always at his side, and I wish it could still be like that. But no.
I hate him now. I don't think I will ever be able to love him again either.

I'm sorry I subjected you to my story, but I want you to know what other people attached to heroine addicts have done. I'm not saying I'm the prime example. I'm just trying to give you some insight.
I'm not going to tell you to do what I did and cut yourself off from him. I'm not going to tell you to stay with him. I'm just telling you what I did.

I hope that life turns around for you. I hope everyone becomes enlightened, and realizes that the addict is not the only victim. I hope they come to understand that these issues have as much impact on the family, as they do on they abuser.

I hope he quits for your sake. To be honest I have no respect for the people that subject the ones they "love" to this kind of trauma. But I hope he quits for you.

If you need someone to talk to, someone who knows what it's like. I'm more than willing. I'm not over this issue myself, I'm still very conflicted about what I've done, and what I now refuse to do.


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InvisibleFerdinando
Male

Registered: 11/15/09
Posts: 3,664
Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Hollowed]
    #14423846 - 05/09/11 10:11 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

thanks for sharing that


--------------------
with our love with our love we could save the world


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Anonymous #1

Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Ferdinando] * 1
    #14424083 - 05/09/11 11:12 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Thank you all for your kind words. Knowing that people have read my words and digested them helps me to take on this day.

Unfortunately, rehab is not the answer, because he has been using all throughout an entire year of rehab. And has been in and out of rehab for almost half his life now.

Dear Hollowed:

Thank you for sharing your story. You seem like such a strong person, and it gives me hope. I recognize how hard it must be for you to have this conflict within you, because if you'd stayed that conflict would still exist, just in reverse. I'd like to echo your wise words: I'm not going to tell you what to do, nor simply say "all the best".

When families of addicts find themselves in these situations, its an especially hopeless feeling, because we haven't done anything to cause it. Or have we? Surely we can do something to help? It torments me constantly, and all I can tell myself is:
I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it.

Addicts are on their own journey. It's a lonely journey, and I try to put myself in his position: I cannot fathom what it takes for him to live a lie every single day. I think it must be so isolating and devasting for him to look at himself and see how he's destroyed his future-- he was such a talented artist, on his way to the top.

I know it hurts him to hurt me. I have faith in the person he used to be. That's all I have.. to realize that who he is now cannot destroy MY memory of who he used to be.

If anything, that memory is more valid in my heart, even when I hate him with all my being and wish I was dead, he was dead, wish I had never met him, when I'm filled with so much hate I bring about utter destruction just to validate what I'm feeling inside.

But the only thing that makes sense to me now, that will direct all my actions, is to rediscover and keep to my own journey-- The journey I was on before I strayed off my own path to try and lead him back to the light, getting lost myself in the process. The journey I was on before this whirlwind picked me up and spun me away. I must rediscover that. And if my journey takes me away from him in the end, so be it. If my journey means that I stay, so be it.

But I cannot, will not, be constantly by his side, saving him from himself. Does it help him when he never has to look any further for me than his immediate hell? It sure doesn't help me. Maybe in looking further, he will realize where he is.

If one day he sees that we've diverged in our paths, and chooses to find himself again, I will be glad... but that is a distant hope. One that I dare not cling to too much.

I won't be dictated by trying to save him. I won't let my thoughts be twisted by the possibility that I can save him... that is a choice for him to make, not me.

All I can do is keep my own choices safe from his. To surround myself with the positive things, to regain a sense of control and self and purpose, to live my life as me, not a junkie's life raft.

I was going to PM this message to you, but as you so bravely shared your story, so I will post this here. Because as your words have helped me, hopefully they can also help anyone who comes across this thread.


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OfflineHollowed
Stranger

Registered: 04/29/11
Posts: 13
Last seen: 11 years, 6 months
Re: If you've ever been tied to a heroin addict... [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14425547 - 05/09/11 04:47 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

That was very touching.

I hope the best for you and, your husband.


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