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Offlinefbi365
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Registered: 02/07/11
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Re: How to beat the 'Just Friends' Syndrome? [Re: potgrrl]
    #14397123 - 05/03/11 09:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, Potgrrl.  Thanks.  I started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy!"  Like you suggested.  I think it all describes me pretty well.  I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it all, but then again, I just started reading his book and blog just last night. 

I am trying some things he suggests about controlling your thoughts and not letting your mind wonder and obsess about things.  Also trying to look for ways to control my anger and jealousy.  Not just with women, but in general.  I have been intolerably angry at everything lately; my friends, my jobs, school, girls, even my family.  I am working on some breathing techniques and just becoming aware when its happening so I can do something to stop it.

I went jogging for the first time in a lil while last night.  Although, I am pretty active already, I have been noticing some weight gain lately.

All this, however, is being tempered by an alcohol binge of epic proportions.

I am basically using this thread as my journal.  An anonymous internet vent thread where I can write things down.  At least to get them off my mind, if not to get some sound advice.


Thanks again for your input.

--FBI


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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
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Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: How to beat the 'Just Friends' Syndrome? [Re: fbi365]
    #14398719 - 05/04/11 08:00 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Awesome, glad to hear :smile:  The forums over there have a LOT of great reading material, other guys like you being very honest and getting very honest assessments back.

Re: your jealousy and anger, the best thing I've found it to actually OWN and ACKNOWLEDGE those things instead of trying to "get rid" of them.

Negative things that you own about yourself has this weird way of defusing the power those negative things have over you.  It makes it so others can't poke at your sore spots, because you acknowledge they're there, and that disarms the other person, too (since they expect you to deny it and they're ready to bitch at you to "prove" they're right, and they don't know what to do when you own it).  It's weird and counter-intuitive, but it works.

I love reading human condition books, I'm listening to the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey right now - it's not a new book or anything (and in fact he's got a mess of books on the same topic) but it's full of really great stuff and I highly recommend it as well.

Anything that pats us on the back for our good efforts, or brings a sense of relief is awesome.  We're all flawed, but with good mental fodder to ponder on, life is a heck of a lot easier.

When my mind is spinning with negativity, I listen to one of my audiobooks by Brian Tracy, Stephen Covey, Dale Carnegie, or even the Law of Attraction materials (these are kinda weird but everyone's saying the same thing ultimately), and I FORCE the bad thoughts into the back of my head by focusing intently on the soothing words of another.  I used to wake up at 3:30 AM in a panic due to my life situation, and those audiobooks helped soothe me back to sleep.

Good luck man, the acute withdrawl period is the hardest but in a month you'll feel much better, and in a year, it'll all feel like a distant dream :smile:


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Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

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OfflineBlueflowers
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Registered: 03/15/11
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Re: How to beat the 'Just Friends' Syndrome? [Re: fbi365]
    #14398789 - 05/04/11 08:20 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Man i was and still am going through the same shit , i loved this girl so much that i would spend nights drunk punching walls till my knuckles bled not getting why she would lead me on and then ditch me just like that. i know how you feel , she's the only girl that you wouldn't mind spending the rest of eternity with.

The remedy ?

i went from being a pussy fiend to mr nice guy. MR NICE GUY DOES NOT FUCKING WORK! girls thrive for thrill they need someone who keeps them on their toes. They ask where chivalry is THEY FUCKING KILLED IT. ive been inn love 3 times in my life and every time i have been fucked around, it hurts because i have love to give but i don't get shit in return. So let me give you a remedy . Forget about her focus your mind on anything else i.e mycology :smile: , get out there and have fun go out with your mates and treat girls like they are nothing more than pussy.

Experience these things and wait for the girl who is actually genuinely interested in you. The girl that smiles when you say stupid shit , the girl that hugs you first , the girl that you know is going to love you back grab that bitch and never let her go!

Now this method for me aint foolproof , you don't have that warm feeling in your heart at the end of the night...you just got pussy, but as i said when you find her you will have all the time in the world to smile truly and feel the richness of your soul with your soul mate.


Peace brother - fuck bitches get money!.....till you find her :wink:

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: How to beat the 'Just Friends' Syndrome? [Re: Blueflowers]
    #14399317 - 05/04/11 10:43 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Blueflowers said:

Peace brother - fuck bitches get money!.....till you find her :wink:




LOL :lol:

So, Last night she showed up at my house at 2am.  We ended up talking again until 5.  About us, but mostly just about life, and her trip to London (yeah, the wedding, jeez!).  She hasn't stopped thinking about me since I told her to take a hike.  And I can't stop thinking about her. 

I tried sticking to my guns, but, alas, she's not having any of that.  She expressed her mutual feelings for me.  How much she wants to be with me, but the fact that she has decided to go back home to Cali for the summer to be with her family and to have a medical procedure done. And the usual reservations about not dating someone from work, how much she values her freedom, how now is bad timing, and how she doesn't want it to end or to end badly.   

We both agreed it would be stupid to start anything now with her leaving.  But that we would take up the issue when she gets back...

Anyways, she stayed the night, on my couch.  We both fell asleep holding each other.  No sex, but I probably wouldn't have let that happen anyway.  I am still a little apprehensive about the whole situation.  But we kissed again for a long while for the first time in a very long time.  I  came to find out she is a closed mouth kisser.  Which is weird :shrug:

Anyway, there it is.  Can't say I am any more clear on where we stand than before.  Although, I think we share feelings for each other.  I don't think she is leading me on or fucking with me.  She is a pretty genuine person...


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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
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Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: How to beat the 'Just Friends' Syndrome? [Re: fbi365] * 1
    #14400574 - 05/04/11 03:30 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I personally don't appreciate it when I'm asked to "wait" for someone, especially when I'm ready NOW.

I'd personally rather leave myself open to potentially finding someone else who is ready NOW, which means putting my head and heart and body in places where I can meet new people and not feel like I'm "cheating" on someone who hasn't even committed to me yet.

You are part of her security blanket, and all her insecurities about it not being a good idea are signs that you're her security blanket.

This is not to say she doesn't genuinely like you, but if she's not willing to commit to being exclusive with you after all the time you've spent getting to know each other, that tells me she's keeping her options open for someone else in the mean time.

It's okay to be a bit of a security blanket for someone willing to commit to you (not marriage necessarily, but at least exclusivity in dating while you figure out if you WANT to get married) but people not willing to commit aren't worthy of your masculine security.

Women are security seeking creatures.  That's why a woman will be "friends" with a bunch of guys who really really really actually want to be more - then she always knows she's got someone who will make her feel good about herself when she's insecure or hurting.

I'd think about this one very very carefully.  A healthy boundary might be to say "if you're not willing to commit to being my exclusive girlfriend, then we're just friends until you are willing to commit, which means I'm leaving myself open to finding someone who IS willing to commit".  And then take action to expand your social circle, chat up new women, make new friends, and let the chips fall where they may.

In the fall when she comes back, if things work out for the two of you - great!  If not, you aren't left with resentment from "waiting" for something that never materializes.

PS: In no more mr nice guy terminology, you waiting for her vs making it clear right now is a "covert contract" - you are hoping that by giving her space and believing her word that she'll repay your patience and trust.  The way you can tell this is a covert contract is to think about how you'd feel if it didn't materialize - you'd be resentful and upset, and that's always a sign of covert contract.  If you were able to detach from outcome and NOT feel jealous, mad, resentful, or whatever, then it wouldn't be a covert contract.  Let me know if this is clear or if you have questions :smile:


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Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

Edited by potgrrl (05/04/11 03:34 PM)

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OfflineGoldenCapAttack
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: potgrrl]
    #14405292 - 05/05/11 01:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah my gf and I just broke up after ten months...
We were best friends before we got together. Like inseperable.
I was always the cool boyfriend, goin to parties lettin her have
girl nights. Everynight we'd fuck hardcore. But after ten months,
I guess it was too serious, for our age at least. She said it's just not what she wanted right now. I blame myself a little because, it's not like I had no spine or was whipped really. I just tried to be the cool boyfriend since we were such good friends ya know?
But nawww, they like a little fight. Even know they have you, they like you to Apply the dickness, with just the right Amount. Thy way they feel like they have to fight for you even though your already yours...
They'll push you, and if your a sap like me take my advice. Push back, just a little. Don't explode, but don't roll right over for her. Thy like to know your firm...
That was my problem, I was always there. Readily available..
And now after ten months, I've lost my bestfriend. And my girlfriend..


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My Lysergic Masterpeice

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: GoldenCapAttack]
    #14405425 - 05/05/11 02:01 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, I find it really interesting that I have been here all along, and my feelings for her were more or less obvious.

Then as soon as I tell her I don't want anything to do with her for a while, she suddenly realizes that she needs me, and more so, wants to be with me.

I think you are right on G.C. Attack, that perfect combination of aloofness and attitude is what you need to have.  But its a delicate balance.


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Offlinemoz88
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Registered: 05/03/11
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: fbi365]
    #14405645 - 05/05/11 02:42 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Random first post but hey ho.

I was really into a girl once when I was 14, we were best mates for going on a year, but she said she was not interested in me. I became agitated at how close she'd let me be instrumentally but how she'd contradict it communicatively (like cognitive dissonance and other nonsense). We fell out (over various things) and didn't talk for a couple of months. [I'd be 15 at this point]

Anyway after those couple of months we ended going out for somewhere around three to four years after we declared our love for each other, and it was pretty much spot on amazing until the last year and a half. It ended horribly with me living at hers horribly depressed(I had a significantly troubled family life) and us breaking up. [I'd be 18 going on 19 at this point]

This is all pretty irrelevant BUT! At that age time (in the mental sense) passes much slower, and it took me an awful long time to get over, I also believe that the carefree - non work-life balancing mind can produce some seriously profound consciousness (In the innocence/experience Blake sense).

Essentially, from the brief (very brief reading of this thread i.e. skipping from the first page to about here) reading of your situation, winning the girl becomes a powerful narrative/consciousness. Women know this. And if you get together you will be bound to each other in a very lasting sense and that is a lot to handle, and I don't think you think that, but you will eventually and it will affect your life whatever happens.

So yea, being in the "friend zone" can be a catalyst - apparently denying that right might get you what you want (did for me - abliet when I was 15), but be sure you know what you want as you'll be diving head first into a highly concentrated plurality of emotions.

Good luck and I hope it works out! (Really do as well, got me all bleary eyed (or not.))

Anyway, I'm a dmt-nexus-noob-refugee! need to grow some shrooms methinks, get the feeling it'll be harder than a DMT extraction - though I think I'll form an emotional attachment to whatever I'm growing.



Casual sexism... marvelous.

Edited by moz88 (05/05/11 02:48 PM)

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OfflineGoldenCapAttack
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: moz88]
    #14408080 - 05/05/11 11:36 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah, it's a very thin line you walk on with girls like that.
Push too hard, your an ass. Don't push at all, and you've already lost her.
Just know that, and take it from me. If you love her, and you really want to be with her. Don't be a bitch, tell her how you feel And assert your feelings. And if you do it right, before hand. You have nothig to lose. Worse comes to worse, you stay friends..
Just take my advice and don't wait till it's too late.
It's hard, bit nothing worth having comes easy..
Just don lose her as a friend AND girlfriend..
Pick one and go for it...


--------------------
My Lysergic Masterpeice

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Invisiblesandi
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Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 796
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: GoldenCapAttack]
    #14408116 - 05/05/11 11:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Damn...I am too straightforward for all this bullshit. Life is short. I went on and met someone else after dating a guy who couldn't commit after a while of us screwing around, been with the new person ever since. I get that people don't want to lock themselves into something, but enough is enough sometimes.


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Edited by sandi (05/22/11 05:32 AM)

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: sandi]
    #14409775 - 05/06/11 11:34 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

We had sex last night for the first time...  It was all like :boobs:


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OfflineGoldenCapAttack
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: fbi365]
    #14409978 - 05/06/11 12:13 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:highfive:


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My Lysergic Masterpeice

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Invisiblesandi
omg


Registered: 04/11/11
Posts: 796
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: fbi365]
    #14411254 - 05/06/11 04:44 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

fbi365 said:
We had sex last night for the first time...  It was all like :boobs:



:goodnews: Good news everybody!


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InvisibleshLong
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: sandi]
    #14411739 - 05/06/11 06:26 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:awethumb::congrats::billymaythumbup:

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: shLong]
    #14413202 - 05/06/11 11:47 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:lol:

Its just funny how life swings back and forth like it does.  I was in the pits last week.  And today I feel great!  A little hungover, but good spirits. 

I have been in love with this girl for over 6 months. And finally! FINALLY!

When we saw each other today at work she came right up to me and gave me a big hug.  She told me how last night "was like a dream."



Today I am a winner :smile:

Not only that but my boss at my internship with one of the largest non-profits in the world pulled me aside and told me how great a job I was doing.  He said I have an excellent intellectual capacity, and that I am ready for the professional world... 

Edited by fbi365 (05/08/11 02:28 PM)

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InvisibleshLong
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: fbi365]
    #14414394 - 05/07/11 09:34 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Wow man, enjoy the upswing!

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InvisibleMisterMuscaria
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: GoldenCapAttack]
    #14416530 - 05/07/11 08:00 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I used to be the guy who just put up with anything now im more or less the guy who wont put up with anything. Neither way really works.

If a girl treats me like shit I tell her to go fuck herself. I used to just let girls treat me like shit. It's hard to find the balance there.

The girls Im aloof around and completely uninterested in become obsessed with me. The girls Id do anything for ignore me, use me or send me mixed signals.

I cannot win.

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Invisiblepotgrrl
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: MisterMuscaria]
    #14418477 - 05/08/11 07:20 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Wow hey I'm glad to be wrong in this case!

Congrats man, sometimes all it takes is a little distance to allow her to "come" to you :wink:


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Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

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OfflineBadAcid
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: potgrrl]
    #14418736 - 05/08/11 09:43 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:discorex:

YES! Well fucking done son!

Now, don't fall in love too much or she will get bored, but make sure you also give her the attention she craves.

Im actually so fucking happy and I can't help but think this thread helped you sort out your thoughts to enable you to 'get er done' lol.

Nice one mate.


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People can fly

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Offlinefbi365
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Re: Does she like me or is she fucking with me? Next move? [Re: potgrrl]
    #14419178 - 05/08/11 11:36 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

potgrrl said:
Wow hey I'm glad to be wrong in this case!

Congrats man, sometimes all it takes is a little distance to allow her to "come" to you :wink:




I don't think you were wrong at all.  I followed your advice.  More or less.  And it worked out in a positive way.  :super:

I think it just took a little shock to snap her out of her little girl, self centered, world revolves around me attitude to realize that she cares for me.  She is only 21, and a bit of a lush.  So I understand how it is easy to get caught up in the moment.  She realizes that our friendship is not "unconditional."  And that there are consequences to our actions (both of our actions), in that there are emotional repercussions to all that flirting a playing around we did.     

Anyway, she just left my house.  She stayed the night again.  I don't think we even slept all night.  And I even got to try some new positions. lol.  And I think she likes to talk dirty :confused2:  Which is a new one for me...  It is probably the best sex I have ever had. 

She is hands down the most attractive woman I have ever slept with.  What she sees in me physically I don't really know.  But I am not complaining.:justdontknow:


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