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dwpineal
Psychedelic Artist



Registered: 07/20/06
Posts: 4,667
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: Third i]
#14402054 - 05/04/11 08:52 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: k00laid]
#14402211 - 05/04/11 09:17 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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This is the one that sent me over.
I started college in January, for the spring Semester. I go to Humboldt State. For my first semester, I decided to live on campus. I "got" to live on in traditional style dorms, which means you share a cramped room with one other person. Bathrooms and such are communal for the floor.
The roommate I was assigned just transfered from Southern California.I shall call him T. He was just as new as I was (I am from SF Bay Area.) I would say that for two people assigned to such a small room, we got along pretty well. He was an interesting guy, who was damn fucking good at improvisational guitar.
Like most people attending Humboldt State, he enjoys getting high. The first thing we did once I was unpacked was go and hotbox his car. It was awesome, we discovered similar tastes in music. It was refreshing to meet someone not obsessed with dubstep.
Over the next couple weeks, we got high frequently, drunk, and I thizzed with him. (It was his first time.) E is one of those drugs that scare me. My sister (who is the tender age of 16) is a diagnosed polysubstance abuser, and E is what really got her started. I hadn't taken E or any form of MDMA for over a year. But I really wanted to get to know T, and E seems wonderful for forming bonds, so I agreed to take E with him. The trip was rather uneventful, but I would say that it built a nice rapport between us.
Later that month, he wanted to try acid for the first time. I knew he had been meaning to try acid for quite some time, so I was really excited. I love being with people for the first time they take acid. Pretty much all of my friends who have taken drugs have had their acid virginity lost with me.
I found some rather potent acid from a guy who lived in the dorms across from me. I ate three hits, T ate 1, but he bought 2 more.
The trip was rather uneventful at first. We dropped at sunset. We walked around campus, (which is gorgeous) and took a walk in the community forest. I was feeling ansty, and I think T picked up on that. He looked rather off. We found a nice hill with a view, and we each smoked a hand rolled cigarette. (Rolling smokeables is rather fun when you are tripping. Its like you are making yourself a handcrafted treat that you get to smoke.)
The outside was too much for T to handle. I personally like to walk around outside if I am starting to freak out, but T wanted to go inside. So I obliged him, as I didn't want to leave him alone. Going inside made me freak out, especially because I wasn't too familiar with my new room, and I didn't like the fact that the CA's could barge in at any time if they felt like it.
When we got inside, I set up my massive 48" blacklight. I had a really cool blacklight poster called the Electric Rainbow on my wall as well that everyone always seems to love.
We were both freaking out a little. People who are with me when I am tripping really pick up on my emotions and sometimes thoughts almost. Going inside didn't help me, so conversely it didn't really help T either. I told him to play guitar.
What followed were the most amazing ear-melting musical orgasms I had ever heard. T was streaming music from his brain. His emotions and thoughts were the music coming out of his guitar. I could see the joy on his face. He later told me that playing guitar on acid changed the way he played and thought about guitar for the better. It also made him want to take acid again, solely to play guitar while tripping. I will see if I can upload two songs he recorded on his phone from the sesh.
Unfortunately, our dorms have quiet hours. He had to stop playing. This was really sad for both of us, as the guitar brought us both out of our funk.
We put on King of the Hill. That show is goddamn hilarious, and its even better when you are tripping. I was able to pick up on all the bits of satire and other humorous subtleties. I highly recommend it.
One thing I noticed was that the DVD's and the menus themselves were a bit... off. Have you ever read a creepypasta (such as Ben Drowned) regarding "haunted" game cartridges and the like?The DVD's reminded me of that. He mentioned that he bought the DVD's at garage sale or something like that. This weirded me out a little. When i put the DVD's in my computer, they did something odd to my PC. All the icons got rearranged on my desktop. The DVD menus had invisible sections, and odd bits were highlighted when you moved your cursor over them.
This is where I am really going to start sounding like a lunatic. Forgive me. Also I should mention that I have homosexual tendencies. I don't really know if I am a gay guy who sometimes likes pussy, or a straight guy who likes cock. Maybe I am bisexual? Asexual? It really changes everyday.
We watched a couple episodes. I thought he was trying to show me something. It was on the DVD with Plastic White Female, There was this one episode where it looked like Hank was fucking another guy in the ass. I thought that maybe T was showing me the 'gay' episode of King of the Hill (something which I might have invented whilst tripping, maybe not though. I thought I recalled reading on a wikipedia like website that there was such a thing) and that perhaps he was trying to solict sex from me. I got really horny. The horniest I have been in my entire life, right up there with the time I took E and fingered a pussy for the first time(first time I touched a pussy was on E. It was awesome.). I always had a fantasy of getting fucked by a Football player (this is when I was in highschool) and he was a football player. I told him to pause it, and essentially told him what was going on through my mind. How I wanted him to fuck the shit out of me. Unfortunately, he claimed to be "100% straight," although I always have my doubts when someone says it like that. At this time, I had come to the conclusion that I was in fact, just gay. And how awesome that was. And how I for once, completely accepted myself and understood exactly who I was. It was beautiful. I don't know how, but we moved on to the topic of bigger things, such as the way the universe works. He is an athiest, and I would best describe myself as agnostic. He told me that he believed in souls, and reincarnation, but no God. It was the most beautiful and depressing thing I had heard. Then I realized something. I looked around, and with the blacklight on, and the way the room was arranged, I remembered a reoccurring dream wherein I was talking to a person in a room who I now recognize was T, and the room was my room, was happening. I felt like T and I had a metaphysical connection. I told this to him, and he seemed to agree, but it looked like this connection scared him.
We had a conversation about reincarnation and such. Eventually, we got back to the episode of King of the Hill. I looked at T, and I saw something that to this day, scares me to the bone. The way the light from the episode and the way the icons on my PC were arranged cast a picture onto him. It was one of a brutally mutilated person. But he was living. Then the scene ended, and it went back to normal. It was like T was trying to show me something. I wondered what this meant. And then things took a turn for the worse. I started to get the most frightening visuals. When I trip, the most I usually see are patterns on surfaces and such. When I looked at T, his face looked like that of a dead person's. His face would then morph from all kinds of horrific visages. His head changed shape into that of a demon, insect, and then one of infinite sorrow, and into other horrific shapes.
Then I did some thinking. I started to think that in my past life, I was a serial murder. I murdered someone with T's soul, and we happened to bump into each other in this existence. I got the vibe that T realized the same thing as I did. It was kind of ironic, as he is a huge burly dude who knows how to beat the shit out of people, and I am a skinny little androgynous boy who has only been in one fight in his life (and won at least) I believed that the fabric of the universe forced us to bump into each other, to show me what I had done, maybe as a way to stop me from falling into the same horrific way of life. It was disgusting. I was suddenly flooded with memories of my victims. How they all thought the same thing about the way I killed them: I was an artist. I felt like I was born with cursed life, and this was why.
And then something else happened. This evil thing manifested itself. I believe that this thing is a shadow of my former self. But T had some kind of influence over it, because he was a former victim.
This former self wants to stab me. Put me through the same agony as I did my victims. I would feel the pain. But it would only be felt by me, nothing would actually happen to my body. It would be justice. Typing this is really hard for me.
My former self started poking at me with a knife. I felt it. I FELT IT. He wasn't stabbing me, just letting me know he could hurt me at any time. My perception would flash back and forth between the room I was in with T, and this other place. When I was in the other place, I was pleading, pleading, not tonight, please, oh god, not tonight. I grabbed a leatherman (my only bladed instrument) and held it in my hand. I didn't pull out the knife, but have the weight of a knife in my hand comforted me. My shear terror was unnerving to T. T felt pity for me. Whatever influence T had over my former self made it stay its hand, at least temporarily.
I managed to lull myself to sleep by imagining my throat was slit. Once the blood left my body, I fell instantly asleep.
The next day, T was scared of me still. I don't blame him. I am wracked with guilt over what happened. A few days later, he moved out. When I see him now, he is scared shitless of me. I can see it in his face, and his eyes. He looks at me like a dead fish if we have the misfortune of passing each other in a food court, or in the one class we share. I was so ashamed, I started cutting again. I managed to stop shortly after. I told myself "this is what a crazy person does. I should stop" and I miraculously did.
I am not done yet. This is the trip that really sent me over the edge, but I have yet to explain how my daily life is affected. This trip was my third to last trip. I have two more, that I will explain much quicker as well. My last trip was in early March. I really want to trip again. I really hope I am able to do so. But I won't for a couple more months at least. I used to smoke weed almost daily. I tapered off my usuage, and now I have been completely sober for about two weeks.
-------------------- Moodion said: There's only one way to answer that frustrating question of "what was it like?". You hand the fucker The Machine packed with an 80mg dose and wave goodbye.
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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Quote:
i like cow poo said: I would never take five hits and not have a planned out trip and trip setting. Being in a controlled environment is essential for something like this. Ignoring the magnitude of such a situation is a sign of disrespect for psychedelics. I believe 99% of shroomery members would agree that you can't go around just riding in cars on 5 hits; thats a recipe for a bad trip. Sorry, I don't mean to sound judgmental but I am just pointing out what SOME of the source of your problems are. Very well written story so far. But forreal you need to plan your trips out and not be surrounded with people with "problems."
I totally agree. I usually trip by myself, or with people I know really well. I usually just stay in one spot, or go on a hike. I don't exactly make plans, because I can never follow them while tripping.
And you are right about this. Don't take acid with strangers or people that give you the heebie jeebies. You will experience unforseen consequences. I usually take pride in how I respect psychedelics, and the times that I haven't I have truely been bit in the ass. And I deserved it. Although, the "big one" I tripped with someone who I really liked. I think the setting was wrong in hindsight, however.
-------------------- Moodion said: There's only one way to answer that frustrating question of "what was it like?". You hand the fucker The Machine packed with an 80mg dose and wave goodbye.
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14402410 - 05/04/11 09:51 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Anyways, the day after, I smoked some weed. And I felt that awful presence manifest itself again. He let me know he still with me. He is following me. If I smoke weed, I feel the connection more strongly. For whatever reason, XX:30-XX:36 is when I feel the connection the strongest. If/when I will experience this stabbing, it will be during this time period. I also have trouble controlling my thoughts. I will feel like all I can think are evil, hurtful thoughts. Or self destructive thoughts. When I am walking next to a railing high off the ground for example, I always see myself vaulting over and plummeting down.I have horrific urges like this to maim or kill myself all the time. The one good thing that has come out of all this is that my vision is similar to when I am tripping. Color pop out and seem vibrant, and I can see very slight patterns on textures.
Ever since that trip, I have withdrawn socially. I feel like I am a scary person to be around. When I look at someone now, they look away. Everyone seems to treat me with disgust. Its like I have a sign painted on my head that says EVIL.
The other two trips I have had were both bad. The next one was with one of my friends at his house. We took some acid, and weren't feeling it. We smoked way too much weed. We were going to McDonalds, and I got a feeling similiar to the time with the nitrous where I saw ahead. And I saw us getting run over by a black car. We were crossing the street when this happened (it was about 1 in the morning). I RAN to the other side, and my friend followed me. A car shot past us once we reached the other side. It freaked me the hell out.I was overridden by the sense of impending doom I have become more and more accustomed to.
Later, after I got back from my visit to home, I met my new roommate. (He was assigned to me over spring break) We also tripped a few nights later. The night I tripped, I found out my sister tried to kill herself, and was sent to a psych ward. Once again, throughout that night I was wracked with guilt. It was worsened when I talked with my roommate. This is going to sound weird: He was talking. He had a bottle of DXM pills in his hand. I saw ahead, and saw him shaking the bottle and then tapping them against a beeline (the twine stuff wound around itself that people use as an ignition source.) Then he actually did this.
Ever since that trip, I have had this terrible feeling. That everything I do, see, read, or watch I have already experienced. Its like living with a constant sense of Deja Vu. Its driving me mad. Why do I feel this way? Sometimes I attribute it dreams, sometimes I attribute it to me having done that particular thing or read that particular thing or watched it a while ago and forgotten about it. What scares me the worst is when I watch a new show for the first time it is aired, and I feel like I have already seen that episode, and that I already know all the dialogue. Its even more intense when I am high. When I am sober, I can pretend that I am not experiencing this sense, and I am mostly able to convince myself. But when I am high, I am not able to delude myself like this. I question reality all the time.
What if, for example, I am really on my deathbed, and this is all a flashback?
I have remained sober for about two weeks now, and I still feel this way. It scares me to the bone. This morning I just woke up at 5:29. And I felt like I was actively fighting off the stabbing. Some days its better, some days its worse. I don't know if I can keep going sometimes.
-------------------- Moodion said: There's only one way to answer that frustrating question of "what was it like?". You hand the fucker The Machine packed with an 80mg dose and wave goodbye.
Edited by arekusu (05/04/11 09:56 PM)
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i like cow poo
Nature Lover


Registered: 10/20/09
Posts: 4,041
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14402430 - 05/04/11 09:55 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Yeah you sound like a pretty good guy. I'm not an expert in psychology but it sounds like your subconscious is really revealing itself when you trip. Its apparent that you have some serious mental issues, when you say you thought you killed people in past lives, thats ALL IN YOUR HEAD MAN. That did not actually happen, thats the lsd talkin. Honestly I don't think you should trip again until you have a different outlook on everything. Depression is can be WORSENED by psychedelics and is known to even bring out schizophrenia in people. Alot of people (without even knowing it) take drugs just to escape reality, and it almost always ends up bad. Psychedelics can be heaven or hell. In the wrong state of mind they'll take you to If I had taken shrooms 3 years ago when I was deeply depressed, I am sure it would have put me deeper into the hole of sad delusion (I'm sure I would've had horrible thoughts like you did). My advise would be to recover mental stability and read some good books on life improvement, (ultimate power by anthony robbins is amazing and interesting!), and establish relationships with GOOD people. For what its worth I am the son of a psychologist and in my opinion tripping would put you one step closer to no return. Hope you get better Also weed can make some people more paranoid then they already are, it did for me. Take a break man it'll do wonders for your brain that is obviously confused from all the chemicals its been exposed to
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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Thanks man. Yeah, I am taking big break from weed. I hope I am mentally able to smoke again by June, but if I am not, then I won't. I know I am not really a killer, but sometimes I just get this awful feeling, and I just don't know anymore.
Also,here is a sample of the song T played. It makes me really sad listening to it. The audio quality is horrible, but its so beautiful.
Sorry, it didn't go up before, but its an mp3 now. Please give it a listen
Edited by arekusu (05/04/11 10:19 PM)
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the human abstract
malaka the werewolf



Registered: 11/30/09
Posts: 8,817
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14402473 - 05/04/11 10:03 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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making yourself think that the people your tripping with are sociopaths is not healthy
where/who are you to judge? ive found that most the time peoples true colors arent really up to them especially at the age youre at.
plan wiser man. judgment is
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★ ★★ ★
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i like cow poo
Nature Lover


Registered: 10/20/09
Posts: 4,041
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After reading your last post I can honestly say that you need to stop ANY drugs that includes weed and see a counsiler or psychologist as soon as possible. I think you'll be okay, but you have some problems that I don't think you can solve on your own. Seriously, its the drugs that are doing this to you man. STOP TAKING THEM THEY ARE MAKING YOU MISERABLE Honestly is getting high on weed really worth your mental stability? June pretty early. Honestly, I wouldn't touch anything for a good year or two if I wake up thinking someone is poking me with a knife. I'm just saying this stuff to put it in perspective. If your friends can't accept that you can't do drugs right now then find better friends. Please take my advise, if you follow it you can turn your whole life around and feel the love you once felt
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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I never claimed he was a sociopath, that was someone else. He displays some Passive Aggressive traits. I never said he was a bad person, he just takes way too risks and puts other people in danger in the process. And D is most definitely in a bad spot. I feel sorry for him. His dad beats him. His mother is out of the picture. He dropped out of high school. He ran away from his father. Shit isn't going right for him. I have empathy for his situation, but that doesn't mean I have to be his friend or like him.
-------------------- Moodion said: There's only one way to answer that frustrating question of "what was it like?". You hand the fucker The Machine packed with an 80mg dose and wave goodbye.
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the human abstract
malaka the werewolf



Registered: 11/30/09
Posts: 8,817
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14402523 - 05/04/11 10:13 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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i just skimmed through actually my bad
after reading it though i would say dont take others and yourself so seriously
we are a dream of a dream. finding something we love and aspiring in it is all one can do. you seam like you have a great personality and a love for people.
edit: i want to add that i went through something similar to not having control over thoughts and it took me a while but i got through it.
i finally just said i am not going to be a slave to hearing things i am one and one is me
something that can help is a phrase you say out loud. i used goosfraba from anger managment
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Edited by the human abstract (05/04/11 10:20 PM)
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Alexander1138
Stranger


Registered: 12/19/10
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Good luck bro
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Jwlst
Stranger

Registered: 02/24/05
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Yes.
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Dawks
Jolly African Potato


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 4,935
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Wow OP really liked this story! 
I don't think you're going crazy, you're mind is just changing too fast and it's scaring you.
My advice is stop drug use/abuse and try expanding your mind in some alternative ways. Take up meditation and look into eastern philosophy. These states of mind are psychedelic, but come on much slower (over years) and give you time to come to grips with your altered perception.
My personal philosophy is that there is no such thing as time and that everything that has ever happened in this universe will happen again and IS happening right now as we speak. That couple, the man that killed his wife - I'm sure that has happened before in some forgotten corner of the universe and will happen again. You just picked up on this. M-Theory explains this well. All events and possibilities occur simultaneously and that it's us moving between these possibilities that create the illusion of time.
The other guy said the premonitions are in your head, but I disagree. I believe that it is possible to tap into cosmic wisdom and experience things that have happened and that are yet to happened. Unfortunately, instead of spending many years of self-discipline and meditation to achieve this, you've had it thrust upon you and your mind doesn't know how to deal with it.
As for being evil, just by feeling bad about "being evil" you prove that you're not evil. Evil people don't feel evil, that's why they are. You're not a bad person, you're a good person that bad things have happened too. Dedicate your life to making other people happy, and in the end there wont be any question of what kind of person you are.
Think about it, if you never met T and introduced him to acid, he never would've picked up the guitar and made that awesome music that I'm groovin' to right now as typing this. 
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fatppl12
Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 811
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: Jwlst]
#14402711 - 05/04/11 10:53 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Remember, in this world, you get what you put in.
I hate to say it but... think happy thoughts.
Smile unnecessarily.
Quit micro-analyzing, and tone down your thoughts, turn down that irate knob who judges every moment and minute of your life.
Raise both your hands and release your middle fingers to the world.
Say "fuck you" to the bad man inside you.
Now say it again.
Say it out loud this time, and say it proudly.
Scream it, cry, let it out friend.
Make a radical change in your day to day affairs.
Do you scrutinize your actions, perhaps your appearance - to the point of hair-tearing frustration?
Stop.
Hard, I know.
But look into the mirror and remind yourself: I am my own God, I have complete control over everything that crosses my path.
Shut the fuck up, you do damn it.
Stop thinking "weakling" and start thinking "well hung horse with a lot to offer".
Life is reciprocal. You get what you put in.
Now start putting "the good" in.
Fake it if you have to. And watch how real it becomes.
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fatppl12
Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 811
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: fatppl12]
#14402738 - 05/04/11 10:57 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Also, violent thoughts pertaining to the self and the surrounding environment is not uncommon.
I found it to be a phase I too experienced in my teenage years, but slowly died with meditation and a few well placed positive A. trips.
Again, quit over-thinking these things.
And..
It is only when you quit trying to be sane, that you find yourself comfortable in reality.
Fuck scrutiny.
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gauge
Guns & LSD



Registered: 04/28/11
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: fatppl12]
#14402975 - 05/04/11 11:40 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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I think you need to lay off the drugs a little. Sit back relax and reflect on life. You need to start focusing on YOU. Start bettering yourself. I think you're also trying to find a partner in life, someone you really click with. Take some time to really hang out with someone sober and talk about your past experiences. When you two are finally comfortable with each other you should plan a day or a weekend where you will have no worries or cares in the world and can enjoy yourselves. Just my two cents on what I gathered through reading.
-------------------- I Lucy.
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arekusu
Stranger than You


Registered: 10/13/09
Posts: 501
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: gauge]
#14403025 - 05/04/11 11:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Thanks for the advice guys.I am definately going to lay off the drugs. I really like your explanation of the Universe Dawks. I feel you hit the nail on the head. How do you meditate exactly? I know how to hypnotize people, and I can do self hypnosis to a limited extent. I have heard that it is similar.
I definately am looking for a mate in life. A girlfriend or boyfriend would be amazing.
-------------------- Moodion said: There's only one way to answer that frustrating question of "what was it like?". You hand the fucker The Machine packed with an 80mg dose and wave goodbye.
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g00ru
lit pants tit licker


Registered: 08/09/07
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Last seen: 5 years, 2 months
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14403059 - 05/05/11 12:02 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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if you can, meditating on the feeling of "i am" is like the best meditation you could really do. i hesistate to call it a meditation cause most of the time when i do it i'm walking around during the day. but it's just concentrating on your being, existing in the moment, to the exclusion of other thoughts, and really it's helpful for so many reasons, i can't recommend it enough
i've posted this so many times but never too many imo :
-------------------- check out my music! drowse in prison and your waking will be but loss
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Blend
afferent orchestra



Registered: 08/16/06
Posts: 2,949
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: arekusu]
#14403104 - 05/05/11 12:11 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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In regards to your sanity, I agree with everyone else here. It's probably best to take a long break. Psychedelics may be physically harmless, but we aren't worried about your organs here. It seems to me that the deeper I've gone, the more complex I have become. I haven't had nearly as much experience as you have in these areas, but I think I have a good understanding of the things you've talked about, as alot of it resonates to some diminished degree within myself. Some of it is foreign to me, but I see the dotted line pointing the way downward (if that makes sense. I am quite high). I do believe LSD and all the other psych's can be highly detrimental to someone's psychological well-being. So in response to the subject, I've gotta say A little bit, yeah. I haven't read your posts enough to know the sort of thinker you are or what ideas you are fond of, so I'm not sure of any other advice to give. But there are lots of good responses here. What Dawks said about M theory, reincarnation, the universe/reality expanding and contracting in an infinite loop... or simply that all of your fears are mental constructs. You're definitely a thinker, so work it out.
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Harri


Registered: 10/29/08
Posts: 1,452
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Re: Has LSD made me Crazy? [Re: g00ru]
#14403120 - 05/05/11 12:15 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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I find smoking weed makes me lose alot of self confidence, tripping is the exact opposite, I'd say go alittle further in your psychedelic trips and make things right with your mind. solo trips can sort out your life and make you realize what you've been telling yourself and believing isn't true or is a skewed perception of your situation. indulge at least another time and see, I mean thats kinda of there use, psyches very very therapeutic.
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