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psyke101
Test Subject

Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011
#14385431 - 05/01/11 09:53 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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So it was on a rainy autumn night in Melbourne that I decided to road test some recently collected p.subs.
It had been a couple years since I tripped on shrooms and I dont know if it was the long period of abstinence, a naturally low tolerance or unusually potent mushies, but my god the little devils took me by the balls and sent me on an INTENSE 8 hour roller coaster ride through the deepest canyons of my mind.
THE PREP
I prepared the shrooms as shown below:
6 small/medium sized shrooms - diced 1 small piece ginger - finely diced juice of half a lemon tea bag 1 teaspoon honey
I brought a cup of water to boil, then added all ingredients and left to steep for 30 - 40 mins while I went off to tidy the house and get prepared for an evening of exploration and mind expansion.




THE ONSET
I poured myself a cup of now luke warm tea and sat down to play a few rounds of my multiplayer game of choice, a first - person shooter.
The first effects came on within 15 - 20 minutes. I felt hyper aware in the game environment as I played the roll of defender, seemingly able to think many steps ahead of attacking opponents. I was moving from cover to cover, hiding behind rocks and bushes, elusive. I was flanking the enemy, picking them off at will from long range and up close. Now I was hiding in the roof of a bombed out building, deep behind enemy lines. Opposition players moving through the woods unaware of my presence until I would unleash a fatal volley of fire, catching them unawares. I felt like I was playing at a supremely heightened level of skill. i was revelling in the game. The graphics and audio were exquisite in their detail and realism. I was mesmerised by the saturated colours and responsiveness of the controls as I guided my avatar from one hiding place to the next...
Then, the unthinkable. Hiding in the ruins of a demolished building I turned to be confronted by the terrifying face of the enemy. Within arms length, engaging me in fatal hand to hand combat... despite my peak of ability, my heightened skill level I had been trapped, stalked like an animal. He had snuck up on me, the hunter had become the hunted. I could only watch, paralysed as I was stabbed mercilessly in the face!!!
This shocked me. How did he come to be behind me? I must have missed something, I hadnt considered all the options. I had been outsmarted... I turned off the game, turned off the computer, sat in the corner, confused.
Intense visual hallucinations bombarded me. Kaleidoscopic patterns formed, merged, morphed everywhere I looked. The carpet was a rolling ocean of octaganal geometry. I felt I could look into the carpet and see the finest cotten threads trailing into infinity. At one point, on my hands and knees I used my fingernails to dry and out dig a thread... pulling at the fabric of the universe. Get a hold of your self man! Sit back, relax, take a deep breath, dont play with it, you might tear a hole!
The walls heaved and sagged, crouched on the carpet in the corner of the room I felt that i was sitting in the stomach of massive, living beast, everything was alive around me. Colours were saturated to the pont of being almost liquid, my skin tinged orange and red, the veins an exquisite contrasting blue. I felt clammy. Momentarily I felt panicky.
I reeled it in. Take control man, dont let it freak you out. Ride the wave... love it for what it is. Your alright, everything is alright. Your safe, enjoy it. I told myelf these things and I gradually felt comfortable again. At this point, about 1.5 hours in, I was enjoying myself. I threw off my shirt and jeans, got a cold icy drink, had a bite to eat, sat back on the couch, Let wave after wave of ever more intense visual hallucnations wash over me.
MUSIC. What was I thinking, I MUST have music. A Paul Oakenfold trance mix throbbing and pulsing through the house. Now auditory hallucinations combined with the visual, the trance music perfectly suited to my state of mind. I felt like the synapses in my brain were firing in time with the music, the music heightening my peak, taking me to new levels. I felt like my mind was orgasming with the peaks and crescendos of the electronic sounds.
There followed a period where I lost track of time. What did I do? I moved around the house, touching things, looking at reflections, at lights. I remember dancing, stripped down to my undies. I remember swallowing repeatedly and feeling the my skin was hyper sensitive to touch, and all the while visual hallucinations rolled around me.
THE FREAK OUT
Around this time, after the Trance had played out I began to question myself. Why was i walking around the house aimlessly like this? Why was I here at all actually? On the planet I mean. On this street. I became deeply introspective and unfortunately I began to to psyche myslef out. It was to be all down hill from here. I was to decend into a pit of self loathing, doubt and paranoia of my own making that would last the remainder of the trip... This was to be a hellish experience from here on in... It must have been about 4 hours after cunsumption.
As I stood in the middle of the room, naked, staring at the wall, holding my lowerlip between thumb and forefinger I began to fabricate with great care, a deeply complicated and elaborate hallucinatory conspiracy in which my neighbours were part of a criminal syndicate. They knew what I was doing... taking these terrible drugs. Not only did they know but they were watching me right this moment. Looking in at me, biding their time, gathering evidence. They had lived in this area long before i moved here, in fact they had built my house. And they had built my house in such a way that they could monitor my activities. On one side of the property, the fence dropped fractionally so that a spy, hiddin in that yard could peer into my kitchen to watch me. This was no co-incidence, it had been designed that way! On the other side the neighbours house was so close they could hear me through the wall. They were there right now, listening. And what was my crime? Why were they persecuting me this way? Because I deserved it. I was selfish, miserly, self absorbed. I didnt spend enough time doing things for other people. The universe seemed to open before me... the only things that mattered in this world were my relationships withthe people I care about. And I had been neglecting those relationships. God what was wrong with. I deserved to be cast in a pit and left to moulder... If I survived this. Things would be different!
At this point I was walking around the house from window to window, peering out into the raining night, trying to see who was looking in. God, close the curtains. Close them tight. Lock the evil bastards out. Dont let them see me. And what would they see if they did look in? A naked, slavering madman, frantic, panicked, wild eyed, a lunatic in the throws of a schizophrenic fit. I realised that I was barely scratching the tip of the conspiracy. Closing the curtains would do no good. They had already infiltrated the house. They had tunnelled UNDERNEATH so that they could look up through the floorboards. They had CAMERAS! At this point I was literally on my hands and knees looking through the cracks between the floorboards trying to see the cameras... They sheer ingenius of their treachery astounded me.
SNAPPED AND TORN
I snapped. I couldnt stay here any more, alone in this house, with the devils looking in. I had to get out. I got dressed, my clothes scattered around the house. I coulnt find anything, it seemed to take an eternity to get prepared but finally I was ready. I stepped out into the night, the rain drizzling but cool on my skin. All around me the sounds of the night seemed to be tense, but full of meaning. Up and down the treet signals were being sent. The dripping from an overflowing gutter was morse code, the distant bark of a dog confirmation the code was received. He's on the move, watch where he goes, he cant escape. I snuck out the front gate and rode my push bike hell for leather as fast as a I could. I had to get away. As I rode away from my street, voices laughed in my head. They had won, they had seen me off.
I rode frantically two suburbs over to my girlfriends place where I begged her to take me in. And once inside I proceeded to freak the shit out of her for the next 3 hours babbling gibberish and nonsense at her from under the bed, until eventually, exasperated with me, she told me to shut the fuck up and go to sleep. She had to work at 9 tmoro and I had woken her up... Good advice. Sleep is your friend, the ultimate healer, eveything will be better after soothing, calming sleep. But I couldnt sleep, still the hallucinations ebbed and flowed, seeming to subside one minute making me think I was finally back to normal, only to flood back a second later, beating against the wafer thin fabric of my sanity. Gradually, gradually I began to calm. I used my Android phone to surf the web, reading sport articles and news, anything to restore my sense of nomality. I was ok, I was alright. I was with the person I loved and she was helping me. The feelings of self hatred began to slide away, I could see them for what they were, anxieties, small self doubts, magnified a million fold in my own mind. The paranoia's began to seem ridiculous and fantastical.
Finally, sometime after 4 am I was able to sleep. I had survived. The whole experience had lasted approximately 8 hours and was one of the most intense, ghastly experiences I had endured on shrooms.
IN THE LIGHT OF DAY
Just let me say I dont normally react this way to shrooms. I normally find them very enjoyable and much much milder. I just had way too much. I seriously didnt expect those 6 smallish shrooms to kick me in the balls with such a massive, intense trip. It was closer to an LSD trip than most previous muchroom trips Ive had. I think it may have been the method? Possibily the use of juice from half a lemon in the tea made more actives available? Next time I would probably have 2 shrooms max.
There was one core truth I have broght back with me from the brink. It is true that I have neglected relationships to people close to me and I need to do more for those people.
Sorry for the epic post. I felt the need to get this all down while it was fresh in my mind. If you actually read the whole thing, thanks.
And of course it goes without saying that this entire post, as with everything else I have posted on this site, is a work of fiction.
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dr_zoidberg
Cold Clawed Hunter



Registered: 05/20/10
Posts: 142
Loc: Melbourne, Vic
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14386275 - 05/02/11 12:26 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Haha!
This sounds like my first trip off last season's freshies. Which is also entirely fiction.
Stumbling blindly through dosage. Learned some respect then.
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...to induce vomiting, that was the solution. EVERYWHERE it went! Oh, what a Valentines Day THAT was! woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop
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evildee125
Here now



Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 3,179
Loc: fl
Last seen: 2 years, 3 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: dr_zoidberg]
#14386298 - 05/02/11 12:32 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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tizjack
Tizzy



Registered: 09/20/10
Posts: 618
Loc: Melbourne, Victoria
Last seen: 8 years, 5 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: evildee125]
#14386575 - 05/02/11 01:55 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Very nice report, thank you for sharing mate.
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psyke101
Test Subject

Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: dr_zoidberg]
#14386815 - 05/02/11 03:37 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
dr_zoidberg said: Haha!
This sounds like my first trip off last season's freshies. Which is also entirely fiction.
Stumbling blindly through dosage. Learned some respect then.
Yeah this whole experience could have been avoided if I had taken a less cavalier approach to dosing lol. I actually thought I was taking a small amount!
Quote:
tizjack said: Very nice report, thank you for sharing mate.
Cheers for reading man... its a bloody thesis lol.
Edited by psyke101 (05/02/11 03:38 AM)
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33-33
Psychonautical Wayfearer
Registered: 04/29/11
Posts: 12
Last seen: 10 months, 28 days
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14389584 - 05/02/11 04:16 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Great trip report mate, I've gotta say it reminded me of a previous acid trip gone wrong where I was home alone too. My come-up was during a really violent soccer World Cup match in 2006 and it ended up similar to yours and with me taking similar lessons from it as well!
Your writing, in places, is quite good, especially the descriptive scenes on the come-up. Hope to read another (slightly more enjoyable for you!) version in the future.
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psyke101
Test Subject

Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: 33-33]
#14390427 - 05/02/11 06:34 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
33-33 said: Great trip report mate, I've gotta say it reminded me of a previous acid trip gone wrong where I was home alone too. My come-up was during a really violent soccer World Cup match in 2006 and it ended up similar to yours and with me taking similar lessons from it as well!
Yeah I find acid to be a bit hit and miss. My best experiences have been when ive mixed in a bit of E for the feel good factor. I find that really prevents any bad thoughts wrecking the trip.
Looking back on the experience a couple of days later, the first 3-4 hours were amazing. I can not remember ever having such vivid, tangible hallucinations before, they were mesmerising. And if I hadnt been alone, i reckon i would have rode it out and my little personal paranoias wouldn't have come to the fore later in the trip. Anyway its all learning 
Quote:
33-33 said: Your writing, in places, is quite good, especially the descriptive scenes on the come-up. Hope to read another (slightly more enjoyable for you!) version in the future.
Thanks man. I recently read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Hunter S Thompson, so I dare say the style of writing I used was influenced by that lol. I plan to wait a week or two before embarking on my next mushroom voyage
Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.
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Nature Boy
Stranger than most



Registered: 07/09/07
Posts: 8,241
Loc: Samsara
Last seen: 2 months, 6 days
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14390602 - 05/02/11 07:11 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Epic trip report. Nicely written, and a great lesson for others. Thanks for taking the time to write it so cogently.
5 shrooms for you, sir!!!
N.B.
-------------------- All submitted posts under this user name are works of pure fiction or outright lies. Any information, statement, or assertion contained therein should be considered pure unadulterated bullshit. Note well: Sorry, but I do not answer PM's unless you are a long-time trusted friend. If you have a question, ask it in the appropriate thread.
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Horrie



Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: Melbourne, Victoria, Aust...
Last seen: 4 years, 7 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Nature Boy]
#14392374 - 05/03/11 12:16 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Cheers for sharing mate that was a great read! The way you wrote that was very entertaining haha though it sucks it was so rough at the end. I was thinking of making some tea next time i better be careful lol
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psyke101
Test Subject

Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Nature Boy]
#14392562 - 05/03/11 01:11 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Nature Boy said: Epic trip report. Nicely written, and a great lesson for others. Thanks for taking the time to write it so cogently.
5 shrooms for you, sir!!!
N.B.
5 Shrooms??? Im on my way to an Oscar Award Ta man! Thanks for reading it.
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Horrie said: ...I was thinking of making some tea next time i better be careful lol N.B.
Yeah bro, keep your dose on the low side i reckon, especially if ur new to it. If u take too much it can be a bit overwhelming lol. For myself I will probably just have 2 shrooms in my tea next time.
I hafta say, making a tea is my preferred method of taking shrooms. The come up is extraordinary!
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Horrie



Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 22
Loc: Melbourne, Victoria, Aust...
Last seen: 4 years, 7 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14394771 - 05/03/11 02:39 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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yeah i have only dosed a few times so far all have been great! im sure ill put my foot in it eventually, better later than sooner though lol
cheers mate
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OneU
Registered: 03/19/11
Posts: 763
Last seen: 11 years, 11 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Horrie]
#14400226 - 05/04/11 02:25 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Man a similar thing happened with me a year or so ago. It's the clash with the ego man. It is so devious. It causes you to think you are being observed like an insignificant being and then it forces you to run back to it. You start to go to technology, maybe look at pictures or try to get in touch with familiar people. Maybe watch a movie or read the pointless news you know to be a part of the illusion. Then, when you have unknowingly ran back to your ego, it has reintegrated itself with you; only this time it was taken in under disguise.
Psychedelic plants do this many times to us. They show us our perception of the world. So shallow and pointless because it is run by our ego and by our lack of action. Then, we get a chance to either follow them through or turn back to the ego. It's like trying to get to the core of the Earth. It will get wet, cold, dark, dirty and tons of other irritable and discomforting stuff until you hit the true light within.
It's a difficult battle brother. Love you.
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Caramello Koala
Fun Guy



Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 171
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
Last seen: 11 months, 6 days
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14454911 - 05/15/11 05:17 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
psyke101 said: I recently read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, by Hunter S Thompson, so I dare say the style of writing I used was influenced by that lol.
Haha I was definitely getting the Fear and Loathing vibe reading that, I was going to ask if you had recently watched or read it before I read this comment! Good trip report, my favourite part was the gutter morse code, dog bark response haha.
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   "I for one welcome our new insect overlords! I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves." - Kent Brockman Psilocybe Subaeruginosa Hunting Guide Psychedelic Voyage Guide endofthegame.net
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psyke101
Test Subject


Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Caramello Koala]
#14466673 - 05/17/11 07:24 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Caramello Koala said: Haha I was definitely getting the Fear and Loathing vibe reading that, I was going to ask if you had recently watched or read it before I read this comment!
Gday Caramello, thanks for reading it mate. Yeah I really like H. Thompson's style of writing. For me his writing really kind of captures on paper the feel of being tripped out of your mind. For some reason my trips often reflect his descriptions, the darkness and even depraved edge his writing catches... I try to have nice experiences, but for some fucking reason my trips always end up resembling the first hotel scene in Fear and Loathing, where H. Thompson's attorney is fucked up in the bathtub with a hunting knife... you know? ...shit scattered everywhere, naked in the middle of the room, the beasts howling at the windows and beating on the door, that feeling that the walls are about to cave in and all your most horrific fears were optimistic lol
Quote:
Caramello Koala said: Good trip report, my favourite part was the gutter morse code, dog bark response haha.
That part of the trip was mental for me! I think it was like 1:00am. It was raining, lightly but contstantly. I remember loving the rain on my skin, it was cooling and I didnt care one bit that i was getting wet. There were no cars, no people but I felt the night was absolutely alive around me. My hearing was hyper alert, I could hear tiny sounds from blocks away. I felt that every sound had deep, deep meaning and that messages were being passed from all over the city out into the ether...
I want to go back to that mindspace, just without the fear and loathing!
Edited by psyke101 (05/17/11 07:26 AM)
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rsrkt



Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: WaggaaggaW
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: psyke101]
#14482058 - 05/20/11 12:22 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hey man that's a hectic report!
you're lucky to find them, I’m still yet to come across a local patch
Just thought I’d say something because hectic trips can leave you pretty rattled (I’ve had my fair share of bad trips)
The one thing i wanted to get across:
you're not your thoughts
you can think anything crazy or stupid, there's an infinite amount of things you can think, some might be disturbing, others not... the main thing to remember is that they are not you, don't react to them, don’t let them effect you they are not your true self
if you have a disturbing thought just observe it, don’t fuel it by thinking about it more, just observe (not react) and move on, put your attention elsewhere, in reality if it comes back up again (which it will) don’t worry, just observe and let it go
fundamentals of spirituality (not religion)
i had some really bad LSD trips where i thought i was completely crazy couldn't smoke without flipping out and thinking my friends were against me (which SUCKED cause i loved getting high with friends)
but now i vaporise every night and am stronger than ever!
Sorry it’s not set out all good I’m at work and the thought came to me so i acted on it... quickly cause i gotta get this work done! xD
-------------------- Psychedelic Guide - Heal Your Mind www.psychedelicsguide.com
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rsrkt



Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: WaggaaggaW
Last seen: 8 years, 8 months
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: rsrkt]
#14482159 - 05/20/11 12:52 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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ahhh doesn't sound too promising
we'll still head thru brinda and have a lil squizz, wont look too hard going off your advice
thanks guys!
-------------------- Psychedelic Guide - Heal Your Mind www.psychedelicsguide.com
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Lifted1
Space Cadet


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 1,703
Loc: North East USA
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: rsrkt]
#14486098 - 05/20/11 07:25 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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"the only things that mattered in this world were my relationships with the people I care about. And I had been neglecting those relationships. God what was wrong with. I deserved to be cast in a pit and left to moulder... If I survived this. Things would be different! "
... a recurring theme for me. In fact, I had an intense one this past weekend while camping with my brother in which this theme grabbed me by the nuts once again and jailed me until I allowed music to forgive me for my wrong doing and neglect. Having kids and tripping hard can be difficult to sort through sometimes, I think. You fool yourself into being guilty for things which you know you ought not be. My lesson this time was that I seek approval, from family and friends, and from THE GREAT SPIRIT. Shrooms tend to shed harsh light on the nature of our relationships with the things around us, for better or for worse. Guilt can be a bitch, but is most certainly real, and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands. Live clean and pure in intention, and then without the guilt you can be free and weightless. Eh.... easier said than done. That's what I like about Salvia in fact. There's no guilt. I feel like everything is just right after a Salvia journey. As fucked up and crazy and harsh as Salvia is, I feel like She has cradled me in some way and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. No guilt. No fear. The world is shown for what it is. No questions. No mystery. Pure energy. ahh, I'm babbling now. Great report psyke101
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     Discovering yourself is only "discovery" in so much as you discovered that what you once thought was real, is only a mirage.
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Lifted1
Space Cadet


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 1,703
Loc: North East USA
Last seen: 10 years, 1 month
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Lifted1]
#14486190 - 05/20/11 07:40 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Oh, and about tea... I recently discovered this method and yes, it's more powerful. Freshies maintain more potency, for those who are in question about it. I've been boiling 20g fresh cubes, which theoretically should be about 2g dry. Let me tell you, it's plenty!! Seems like it's equivalent of like at least an 8th dry. So be careful. It's definitely my preferred method now, as well. Feels a little cleaner, I guess. And no feeling of having pieces stuck somewhere in your throat, etc. Not to hijack the thread though, just supporting. Good vibes to ya.
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     Discovering yourself is only "discovery" in so much as you discovered that what you once thought was real, is only a mirage.
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psyke101
Test Subject


Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: rsrkt]
#14496637 - 05/22/11 10:30 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
rsrkt said: ...if you have a disturbing thought just observe it, don’t fuel it by thinking about it more, just observe (not react) and move on, put your attention elsewhere, in reality if it comes back up again (which it will) don’t worry, just observe and let it go...
Yeah thats good advice. To be able to do that; observe and see the anxiety or paranoia for what it is, can take alot of self control and will-power. Sometimes I'm able to do that if it's a light trip. If it's a heavy trip it becomes a lot harder to sort through all that sensory information and know what is imagined and what is 'real'.
I read that taking psychedelics is actually inducing a schizophrenic state of mind, i.e a state of mind where is it impossible to differentiate between fantasy and 'reality'. Someone with schizophrenia is unable to tell what is real, causing them to be constantly confused and disoriented... At high doses I definitely expereince that, and this trip report is a case in point.
Thanks for taking the time to read it rsrkt.
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psyke101
Test Subject


Registered: 04/30/11
Posts: 748
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Re: INTENSE 8 hour mushroom MiNd FuCk - Melbs 2011 [Re: Lifted1]
#14496756 - 05/22/11 10:58 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
Lifted1 said: ...You fool yourself into being guilty for things which you know you ought not be.
Yes and no. In my case I think the trip helped me to see I had been taking people for granted (something I must have subconsciously aware of), so in that sense I was guilty as charged! but my huge over-reaction was totally unwarranted lol... That small subconcious anxiety, when brought painfully to the fore of my conscious mind became exaggerated and formed part of a spiralling, downhill freakout 
Cheers
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