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Anonymous #1

how to make wife talk to me
    #14375729 - 04/30/11 01:16 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I have a wife who I have been with more than ten years and who I love very much. During the years we have been together we have been through some difficult times and had our issues (I have definitely had some of my own) and I know I haven´t actually been the best hubby I could have, at times completely ignoring her and her needs. I felt like we were light years from each other and the gap between us was just growing bigger.

Then I had an amazing experience with san pedro which showed me what I had done wrong and what I could lose if I didn´t work it out right, that it was up to me to make things better. So i did and started really working on our realtionship and immediately it caused a reaction in the way she was treating me too, it was like a miracle. We were feeling more like we used to, our communication improved a lot, talking much more and especially more openly about everything. things got a lot better in few months and I already felt that we are getting closer like we used to be years ago.

Now I have never drank alcohol in my life, she had but she quit when she started seeing me. I didn´t push it in any way, she just didn´t care to anymore and I was happy with it, even though I always told her I wouldn´t mind her drinking some every now and then. Knowing how I feel about drinking (I´m not judging anyone, I have just seen too much shit caused by drinking) anyway I can understand that she might not be able to enjoy it.

Some few months ago I happened to find out that she indeed had been drinking while out with friends. I wondered why she hadn´t told me bout it but I worked it out that she must have been ashamed in some way and I could even understand it, so I didn´t confront her about it (now I think that maybe that was the first thing I should have done).

Next time she went out I told her that it might do good to her to have a few drinks, since she is working hard and people need to ease up a little sometimes and I wouldn´t mind but she said that she doesn´t want to drink or get drunk or anything. When she came home I immediately could smell the alcohol in her breath. The next day I asked her about it and she denied. Next time she left I checked her diary. (I know that is the most fucked up thing to do but hey, she was lying me straight to face and I was getting crazy worried bout what is up). I only checked what she wrote after that night and surprise, she told that she´d been wasted. I called her and told her that. Of course she went crazy for me doing that. Things got pretty hectic and it took her some time to realize that it was the way she herself was acting that caused me to do such a stupid thing.

I thought that she could now see that all I need is honesty to not be judgmental towards her drinking but she insisted that it was only that one time mistake, even when I told her that I knew right away and so I knew about the previous time too but she kept denying it.I said she must know that I am right but again I forced myself to accept the fact that she is too ashamed to admit it even when I told her that only thing that hurts me is that she can´t be honest.

Last week she was out again. Next morning she was going somewhere and gave me a kiss when leaving and there is no doubt about it. I didn´t say anything because I know (or am afraid) she would have only denied it once again. But this is killing me. I could accept the fact that she wants to have some drinks when going out but it hurts me too much to know that she can´t be open about it.

What should I do? Should I just accept the fact that it is just such an issue to HER, that she cannot even talk about it with me. Does anyone think it is possible to still have a healthy relationship if I let it be like that? If i don´t push it, will she ever open up? I don´t know if I can, but then what, how on earth to make her to open up? Only thing I can think of is to make her to realize that the lack of communication almost ruined our marriage before and we shouldn´t let it happen like that. But how?


Edited by Anonymous (04/30/11 03:56 AM)


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InvisibleFleadh
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #14377269 - 04/30/11 12:03 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Here's the short version

He doesn't drink, his wife used to drink but stopped after they hooked up (and LOL he thinks its was because she stopped wanting to have a drink). So anyways he found out that when shes out without him, she'll have a drink. She denies it because he's a psycho about the subject. Since he completly misses the point that he's a psycho he is asking for help how he can control her.


--------------------
Friendships have come and gone but I always regret the girls I didn't bang




I just dont really care what you think


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OfflineShroomerette
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Fleadh]
    #14377315 - 04/30/11 12:11 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Haha nice summary.


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Leaving the shroomery forever


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Shroomerette]
    #14378002 - 04/30/11 02:29 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I don´t give a shit if she wants to drink. I told her she´s free to do whatever she wants to as long as she can be honest to me. That´s all I´m asking for, honesty. How is that wanting to control her? I was asking advice on whether it would be a mistake to just accept the fact that she is lying to me about it, could we still have a healthy relationship or should I keep pushing it because to me honesty is such an important part of being in a relationship. How does that make me a psycho?


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OfflineBadAssPterodactyl
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Shroomerette]
    #14378013 - 04/30/11 02:31 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

It sucks that she's not open about it, and it's pretty immature to lie about it, but if I were were you I'd just leave it at that.  If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't pester her in to doing so.  If anything it's counter productive to the headway you've been making in terms of repairing your relationship. 

I know it can be hard.  I totally fell for this guy a couple of years ago who had never had a drink in his life.  When I met him I was partying harder than I ever had in my life, and was unwilling to stop for him.  He was a total catch, though.  He was a super brilliant engineer/inventor/musician who may very well be the best lay I've ever had.  If anything he developed my taste for gorgeous bald headed men with hairy monkey bodies :laugh:  Anyway, I digress... 

I'm with you on your realization that we all have the power to turn things around, and make our relationships stronger with work each day.  I'm madly in love with my bf, and although things aren't perfect, I see amazing potential, and therefore am willing to put all that I have into fixing it.  It sounds like you are too.  This is my advice to you, as well as myself:  Don't focus on the negative things.  If you want a change, think about how you can become a better communicator.  Stay positive and objective, but think about what you're actually saying before you open your mouth.


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InvisibleSillyMe
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14378125 - 04/30/11 02:54 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
...could we still have a healthy relationship or should I keep pushing it because to me honesty is such an important part of being in a relationship. How does that make me a psycho?




You want a healthy relationship because honesty is important to you so you read her diary.


--------------------
Oh, wind and rain they haunt me. Look to the North and pray.
Send me, please, his kisses. Send them home today.
I'm begging, Jesus, please. Send his love to me.


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Offlinefall
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: SillyMe] * 1
    #14378142 - 04/30/11 02:59 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

You should have a drink with her.


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OfflineShroomerette
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: SillyMe]
    #14378230 - 04/30/11 03:17 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

SillyMe said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
...could we still have a healthy relationship or should I keep pushing it because to me honesty is such an important part of being in a relationship. How does that make me a psycho?




You want a healthy relationship because honesty is important to you so you read her diary.




Well he did tell her that he read her diary so that's pretty honest


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Leaving the shroomery forever


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Shroomerette]
    #14378254 - 04/30/11 03:22 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Yeah, honest about stealing her most private thoughts.


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: SillyMe]
    #14378261 - 04/30/11 03:23 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

SillyMe said:

You want a healthy relationship because honesty is important to you so you read her diary.




Since I could see no reason for her not to be open about the drinking I was going crazy over not understanding why she needed to lie to me. I thought there must be something else to it. That is why I looked in her diary (even if it wasn´t the smartest thing to do). After all being honest can´t be a one-way-street, it has to go both ways. You can´t expect to be trusted if you don´t deserve it.


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OfflineMushroomTrip
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14378289 - 04/30/11 03:29 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

So basically, if she lied to you, she deserves to have her diary checked behind her back. Good luck with that attitude and trying to get closer to her.
You can't force someone to open up to you, just because, after years of drifting apart from each other, you are ready to feel yourself closer to your wife again. Why even assume that she must be in the same place where you are right now? How can you expect to be close to her when you don't evan have the decency to respect the fact that she's not there yet?


--------------------
:bunny::bunnyhug:
All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs

:bunnyhug: :yinyang2:


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Invisiblevandago
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14378319 - 04/30/11 03:36 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Sucks you don't seem to realize honesty and trust are two different things.  I could care less if someone is honest about every detail now, I've ruined too many big pictures nit picking for the misconstrued truth.  I have been in the same shoes as you, long term relationship where the chick didn't party as much when we first hooked up, I started cleaning up, she started partying harder.  Every night she would come home from the bar, I'd be asking her a million questions.....dumb fucking questions I knew the answers to.....like.....did some hit on you tonight?  you buy all the drinks yourself?  And then it got to the point she'd lie to me about drinking, and that turned into huge debates then heated arguments about morals, issues irrelevant to, and ignorance, and then she left.


As time goes on I realized I wanted everything 100% perfect in every department, and I had a big picture of what should be painted, when I wasnt seeing what was really there.  She was a very trustworthy person....why?...because she was human and we all make mistakes.....and because she loved me......and because I was the one being not trustworthy by not trusting her in the first place. 


You going through her diary and reading it is breaking her TRUST, not showing you are honest when you admit to it.


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: MushroomTrip]
    #14378455 - 04/30/11 04:07 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

MushroomTrip said:
So basically, if she lied to you, she deserves to have her diary checked behind her back. Good luck with that attitude and trying to get closer to her.
You can't force someone to open up to you, just because, after years of drifting apart from each other, you are ready to feel yourself closer to your wife again. Why even assume that she must be in the same place where you are right now? How can you expect to be close to her when you don't evan have the decency to respect the fact that she's not there yet?




I hear what ya saying. Like I said our comuunication improved a lot. We had talked things through many times, I even wrote her a few long letters in which she replied and through all that I assumed that she was getting to the place where I was. I know it was up to me to do most of the work and I wasn´t really expecting anything from her side, I just wanted to show her that we still have hope and if it is up to me I am willing to work harder on us. I could notice we were progressing. But then this dishonesty hit me and got me all fucked up in my mind. I know it was wrong to do what I did and I would never do that same shit again. After all sneaking to read her diary didn´t make me feel too good about myself either. I didn´t mean to say that her lying justifies me reading her diary, if I thought so I´d probably be checking it out right now. But it still explains why I did it, even though it was plain wrong. But you do have a point with that last sentence of yours.


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: vandago]
    #14378587 - 04/30/11 04:47 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

vandago said:
 
You going through her diary and reading it is breaking her TRUST, not showing you are honest when you admit to it.




I know it is. But they are connected in a way. it is obviously harder to trust one who is not being honest. I even told her that I don´t need to know every little detail, just what she´s been up to. Now if she tells me she was at a friends place drinking tea then I find out they were actually partying at a club or whatever, with whoever, getting wasted, I don´t think I am the only one who would get suspicious and worried. to me that was more than just a meaningless detail. If she told me she´s going to party that would have been meaningless and there would have been no reason for me to worry.


Edited by Anonymous (04/30/11 04:57 PM)


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OfflineShroomerette
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14378609 - 04/30/11 04:53 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

My guess is that she really isn't convinced that you're ok with her going out to clubs, whether you say you're ok with it or not.


--------------------
Leaving the shroomery forever


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OfflineMind Transcribing
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Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14378615 - 04/30/11 04:55 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

I just don't understand what kind of person would tell their wife that they can't drink.


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Mind Transcribing]
    #14378662 - 04/30/11 05:08 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Shroomerette said:
My guess is that she really isn't convinced that you're ok with her going out to clubs, whether you say you're ok with it or not.




I think that might be the case, and also she must feel uncomfortable about it knowing that I never drink or go to parties. Maybe I should.. But if she thinks I´m not ok with it she should talk to me about it instead of doing it behind my back. But for some reason she doesn´t seem to be able to. I guess she believes I wouldn´t say anything even if it was an issue to me.

Quote:

Mind Transcribing said:
I just don't understand what kind of person would tell their wife that they can't drink.




Me neither.


Edited by Anonymous (05/01/11 04:16 AM)


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Anonymous #2

delete [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14381266 - 05/01/11 04:24 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

delete


Edited by Anonymous (02/07/13 12:07 PM)


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Anonymous #3

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #2]
    #14387301 - 05/02/11 08:04 AM (12 years, 8 months ago)

shes fucking someone else bro


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Anonymous #1

Re: how to make wife talk to me [Re: Anonymous #3]
    #14400161 - 05/04/11 02:10 PM (12 years, 8 months ago)

Quote:

Yrtlzmo said:


Maybe once you stop worrying about it and bringing it up entirely it will prove to her that it really isn't a big deal to you. You can't force her to not want to tell her, and calling her a liar won't make her want to tell you or make her stop drinking, being indifferent will read as nonjudgmental however, and I imagine that's what she needs along with trust before she'll share everything with you.




Man, I have the feeling u might be right.

Quote:

Anonymous said:
shes fucking someone else bro




nah she ain´t. I know when she´s keeping things from me. The time I found out she´d been drinking was the first time in years and I could tell, because I have known her since we were kids, and I do know her very well.


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