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Anonymous #1
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Trying to decide if it's the only way out.
#14373067 - 04/29/11 02:55 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Hi, I'm new to shroomery. I really feel the need to talk to someone about my extrememe depression and suicidal thoughts.
I was abused as a child, My father was imprisoned when I was 3, My mother disowned me when I was 17 because I told her I was contemplating suicide, I have 1 good friend and she isn't any help here as she is in pretty much the same shit hole that I am. It's extremely hard not having anyone to talk to. I lay awake all night in my bed staring at my closet where I have a shotgun wishing I had the balls to pull the trigger.
I feel like my life isn't ever going to amount to anything. It'll be a miracle if I graduate, I don't have any family that gives a shit. My older brother (He's six years older than I) is an abusive heroine addict with extensive mental health issues that have had serious repercussions on my family as long as I can remember. My sister is just a few steps behind my brother and without the psychosis. I had a little brother, but he died when I was 8 from a complicated case of meningitis, he was hit by a car when he was 2, seriously damaging his skull, paralyzing the left half of his body. He died 2 years after he was hit because the damage to his skull made him extremely susceptible to disease. We had never lived in any one place more than 3 years, we even spent 9 months living in our car.
I really don't see the point in anything anymore, and I just want to sleep forever, but to add on all of this shit I have insomnia. (It's just icing on the cake isn't it?)
I don't really know what to say or not say in this post. I mostly just want someone to talk to.
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Greenvalley
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14373151 - 04/29/11 03:11 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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First of all, DONT KILL YOURSELF! I have been in a similar situation. I lost my dad to jail when I was 4 because of his abusivenes, so I can relate to not having a father growing up. I used to contemplate suicide also and just became numb to everything and didnt care about doing anything with my life. But I found out what I liked and I did it.
Its some tough shit for sure, but, It is possible to change everything around. Happiness should have nothing to do with outside circumstances. You must find it. Find something fun to do whenever your board, use your imagination, make friends. Always try to improve yourself to prove to your self that it IS possible.
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bigmike7104
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14373175 - 04/29/11 03:15 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
I feel like my life isn't ever going to amount to anything
that's just irrational thinking probably caused by your past trauma. it's pretty screwed up your mom left you for contemplating suicide, that doesn't make you a bad person. what you went through is a lot to deal with and would be a lot to handle for anyone, no matter how strong that person is. so it's not a surprise that your feeling the way you do, but it doesn't mean you can't get over it and live a good life. but you can only do that if you let go of the past and stop beating yourself down.
at the very least go into some therapy for a while, it can really help. also lot of people that suffer from abuse as a young child suffer from PTSD. not saying you have it for sure but it's possible and it's a treatable condition, but you have to at least attempt to get help.
also have you ever tripped before? i'm curious if you did and if it helped at all.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Hollowed
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14373278 - 04/29/11 03:35 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
bigmike7104 said:
Quote:
I feel like my life isn't ever going to amount to anything
that's just irrational thinking probably caused by your past trauma. it's pretty screwed up your mom left you for contemplating suicide, that doesn't make you a bad person. what you went through is a lot to deal with and would be a lot to handle for anyone, no matter how strong that person is. so it's not a surprise that your feeling the way you do, but it doesn't mean you can't get over it and live a good life. but you can only do that if you let go of the past and stop beating yourself down.
at the very least go into some therapy for a while, it can really help. also lot of people that suffer from abuse as a young child suffer from PTSD. not saying you have it for sure but it's possible and it's a treatable condition, but you have to at least attempt to get help.
also have you ever tripped before? i'm curious if you did and if it helped at all.
Been smoking pot since I was 12 did shrooms twice. Smoking pot doesn't help anymore and I don't want to self medicate and become like my brother.
Also; if I were to get through all the shit and lead a "normal life" would it really be worth it? I mean all the shit I've gone through... how does a normal life make up for it?
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Greenvalley
PRS



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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14373302 - 04/29/11 03:40 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Getting through these kinds of things in life makes life SO much more vibrant. Get some positive support, whatever or whoever that may be.
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bigmike7104
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14373317 - 04/29/11 03:43 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Been smoking pot since I was 12 did shrooms twice. Smoking pot doesn't help anymore and I don't want to self medicate and become like my brother.
definitely a good choice. i was just wondering because psychedelics can help a lot of people with psychological problems, but it can also harm someone too if there not ready to confront those problems. that's why you should definitely at least try therapy.
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Also; if I were to get through all the shit and lead a "normal life" would it really be worth it? I mean all the shit I've gone through... how does a normal life make up for it?
because the past only exists as a memory in your head. i strongly suggest you try some meditation and you'll see the present moment is all that there is, otherwise it's just your thoughts. life is short, so why not experience it while you can and let yourself experience the other side of life more which is happiness, fun, and amazement instead of misery which is the only thing your letting yourself experience right now. we all die eventually, why rush it before at least giving a lasting effort and get help to get over your problems and see where it takes you.
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Getting through these kinds of things in life makes life SO much more vibrant
agreed. if you can get over these problems, what else can life throw at you that you wouldn't be able to handle. trust me it' worth it to live on, but you have to decide that for yourself.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
Edited by bigmike7104 (04/29/11 03:52 PM)
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Hollowed
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14373368 - 04/29/11 03:53 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
bigmike7104 said:
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Been smoking pot since I was 12 did shrooms twice. Smoking pot doesn't help anymore and I don't want to self medicate and become like my brother.
definitely a good choice. i was just wondering because psychedelics can help a lot of people with psychological problems, but it can also harm someone too if there not ready to confront those problems. that's why you should definitely at least try therapy.
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Also; if I were to get through all the shit and lead a "normal life" would it really be worth it? I mean all the shit I've gone through... how does a normal life make up for it?
because the past doesn't exist. it only exists as a memory in your head and if you can go over it and live a normal life, why not do that. life is short, so why not experience it while you can and let yourself experience the other side of life more which is happiness, fun, and amazement instead of misery which is the only thing your letting yourself experience right now. we all die eventually, why rush it before at least giving a lasting effort to get over your problems and see where it takes you.
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Getting through these kinds of things in life makes life SO much more vibrant
agreed. if you can get over these problems, what else can life throw at you that you wouldn't be able to handle. trust me it' worth it to live on, but you have to decide that for yourself.
Why would I want to deal with any more shit? My life is one travesty after another. All god has shown me is pain and suffering, AND MORE PAIN!
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
I don't remember where I found that quote or who it was by but thats the only thing that really depicts my thoughts right now.
P.S. I'm not very familiar with the BB posting sorry the lay out of this message is so retarded.
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Greenvalley
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14373414 - 04/29/11 04:01 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Also getting through something like this will make you WAY more mature and stronger than most people who have a normal moderate life.
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bigmike7104
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Registered: 07/12/10
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14373444 - 04/29/11 04:07 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
but in your case it's more like the introduction of the movie sucked, and even as the movie goes on you can't get over how bad the beginning was. so even if the movie starts to turn out good the fact that your still focusing on the beginning won't let you enjoy it no matter how good it gets. in other words, your past trauma has disillusioned you to the point where you believe that pain is the only thing you'll ever experience and it's something you can't get over. but that's not the truth and it can be hard to see that when your that depressed.
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All god has shown me is pain and suffering, AND MORE PAIN!
again that' because that's the only thing your allowing yourself to see. joy and happiness can drop right in your lap but your mind which is still living in the past won't allow yourself to see it unless you can let go and live in this moment.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
Edited by bigmike7104 (04/29/11 05:00 PM)
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Hollowed
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14373458 - 04/29/11 04:10 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
bigmike7104 said:
Quote:
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
but in your case it's more like the introduction of the movie sucked, and even as the movie goes on you can't get over how bad the beginning was. so even if the movie starts to turn out good the fact that your still focusing on the beginning won't let you enjoy it no matter how good it gets. in other words, your past trauma has disillusioned you to the point where you believe that pain is the only thing you'll ever experience and it's something you can't get over. but that's not the truth and it can be hard when your that depressed to see that, but that doesn't make it not true.
Are you a philosopher?
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Hollowed
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Greenvalley]
#14373477 - 04/29/11 04:13 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Greenvalley said: Also getting through something like this will make you WAY more mature and stronger than most people who have a normal moderate life.
I don't care about being more mature the only thing I have ever wanted is to have had at least a semi-normal life or maybe one with just half as much pain, but then I look back again and I would probably still feel the same way with even a third of the pain.
Also; in my opinion I have had to be 3x more mature than my age just to cope with life. why would I want the experience of an old man at age 18?
I know life is hard, but why the fuck does god make life a breeze for some and worse than hell for others?
It just doesn't make any sense.
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bigmike7104
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14373640 - 04/29/11 04:50 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Are you a philosopher?
no, but i read philosophy, especially Buddhism which has influenced me a lot. quotes by the Buddha:
"What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind."
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
also read this http://www.evolver.net/user/linaluv/blog/you_are_not_your_thoughts
the most important thing to know is the past and future don't exist and that we let ourselves become too influenced by our thoughts. put it this way, if you could go 5 minutes without any thoughts arising, during that time there would be no past where your pain is and of which you allow your self to keep experiencing. there would also be no future of which you believe won't turn out good, and there wouldn't be the thought where you think you'll never amount to anything which you strongly believe.
try mindfulness meditation where you focus on your breath and allow thoughts and feelings to arise without reacting to them. so in essence your an objective observer of yourself and you'll see any problems you have are there because your identifying with your thoughts about these problems which keep them from going away. once you do this long enough and have nothing but acceptance of the present moment including all your thoughts and feelings, eventually you'll see the peace that comes with this acceptance. you should also look at all the studies that have been done to show the power of meditation and healing psychological problems.
and you say your 18, well that is too young to go. you barely experienced life to know much about it except for what happened in the short time you have been here. 18 is probably not even a fourth of your life if you live to be old.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
Edited by bigmike7104 (04/29/11 05:02 PM)
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Anonymous #1
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14373681 - 04/29/11 04:58 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
bigmike7104 said:
Quote:
Are you a philosopher?
no, but i read philosophy, especially Buddhism which has influenced me a lot. quotes by the Buddha:
"What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind."
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
also read this http://www.evolver.net/user/linaluv/blog/you_are_not_your_thoughts
the most important thing to know is the past and future don't exist and that we let ourselves become too influenced by our thoughts. put it this way, if you could go 5 minutes without any thoughts arising, during that time there would be no past where your pain is and of which you allow your self to keep experiencing. there would also be no future of which you believe won't turn out good, and there wouldn't be the thought where you think you'll never amount to anything which you strongly believe.
try mindfulness meditation where you focus on your breath and allow thoughts and feelings to arise without reacting to them. so in essence your an objective observer of yourself and you'll see any problems you have are there because your identifying with your thoughts about these problems which keep them from going away. once you do this long enough and have nothing but acceptance of the present moment including all your thoughts and feelings, eventually you'll see the peace that comes with this acceptance. you should also look at all the studies that have been done to show the power of meditation and healing psychological problems.
and you say your 18, well that is too young to go. you barely experienced life to know much about it except for what happened in the short time you have been here. 18 is barely a fourth of your life if you live to be old.
Well I don't know if I'll walk out in the future but at the moment I'm content to ponder what the person wrote in the link you sent me.
Thank you.
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bigmike7104
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Registered: 07/12/10
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14373732 - 04/29/11 05:09 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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instead of pondering, see for yourself by doing at least 5 minutes of meditation.
http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=2125
you don't have to read the whole thing, just read the breath and thoughts part. also it says to open your eyes but i find it better to keep them close.
just stay hopeful man, things will work out if you let it
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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bigmike7104
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14373924 - 04/29/11 05:50 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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also what that person wrote in that link, even when you feel like it's true it's easy to forget because living like that is not what your used to. but through daily meditation even for a few minutes each time, makes living that way become easier and easier which is why it's considered to be "taming the monkey mind"
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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dshow
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14375234 - 04/29/11 10:52 PM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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1 good reason not to kill yourself is everyone above me posted and took the time to tell you why not, and your a random person to them. they dont know you. They prob been there, they are telling you to not do something bad cuz they have seen that darkness. its not worth it. and they are passing their story on to you. I remember having a friend kill himself at 17. 6 years later. im like shiit. wow he missed out on all the music festivals i went to, all the girls i eventually got with lol. everything...
18. is too young. meaning that you have tons of time. Who knows what could happen. hell you could decide to get an education, or travel the world. you dont know yet. your hormones are messing with you.
there is no god. no heaven. no hell. you end it now. you just shortened your life. you wont get to see the ending of the story.
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zorbman
blarrr


Registered: 06/04/04
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Anonymous #1]
#14375720 - 04/30/11 01:14 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Sounds like you have come to a crossroads in your life.
Which way to go?
You've got people all around you sinking, pulling you under with their undertow. Yeah, I can see myself in that situation asking myself, "Why not just surrender to the pull, and let myself sink down and move on to whatever comes next.."
You need to go within and figure out who you are. Because me, I'm stubborn. I'll fight until the closing bell. I'm not going out like that. But that's just me.
You did nothing wrong. You were born into a bad situation. Many people will not survive that. Some will. Some won't.
Which one are you?
You need to make a decision. The right decision. And you need a plan. Then you need to work that plan.
It's a long, hard road out of hell.
But the rewards are real, distant though they may seem.
Please don't give up.
-------------------- “The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.” -- Rudiger Dornbusch
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zorbman
blarrr


Registered: 06/04/04
Posts: 5,952
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: Hollowed]
#14375784 - 04/30/11 01:41 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
Life is like a movie. I'll grant you that.
But your movie isn't over yet because you are sitting here talking to us!
In spite of everything he's endured, the hero of this movie is STILL standing!!
You aren't just a passive pawn in a script, you have a say in it!
Don't forget that.
-------------------- “The crisis takes a much longer time coming than you think, and then it happens much faster than you would have thought.” -- Rudiger Dornbusch
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tyler_0_durden
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: dshow]
#14381056 - 05/01/11 02:28 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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dshow said:there is no god. no heaven. no hell. you end it now. you just shortened your life. you wont get to see the ending of the story.
Exactly. You only get one shot at life. Why throw away what is perhaps the coolest thing to experience? The ONLY thing we can experience...
Haha. That reminds me...I once made a bet with "God" that if he did exist, that he would grant me immortality. I got the idea from George Carlin, where he says "If there is a God, may he strike me dead". However, George Carlin has been dead since 2008 so I thought, well...maybe God decided to give Carlin some extra time. So I made the exact opposite bet, and low and behold, it didn't happen. The very next time I ate/had a bodily function, I knew that such an existence of a divine being was bullshit. That's how I came to the conclusion. It still doesn't mean you shouldn't live your life.
Just don't kill yourself. I've contemplated it many times, even attempted it many times, but in the end, it's just not worth it. Let yourself go naturally...when your time comes. Nature will do what it's supposed to do at the appropriate time. You're cheating yourself out of many things in life. When life seems like hell, there's always better times ahead. Trust me on this. That's what life is all about...you have to get through the bad times to experience the good ones, and that in turn will make you a stronger person.
-------------------- "As a man who has devoted his whole life to the most clear headed science, to the study of matter, I can tell you as a result of my research about atoms this much: There is no matter as such. All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force which brings the particle of an atom to vibration and holds this most minute solar system of the atom together. We must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent mind. This mind is the matrix of all matter." --Max Planck
Edited by tyler_0_durden (05/01/11 02:35 AM)
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bigmike7104
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Re: Trying to decide if it's the only way out. [Re: tyler_0_durden]
#14382072 - 05/01/11 11:05 AM (12 years, 8 months ago) |
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Quote:
So I made the exact opposite bet, and low and behold, it didn't happen. The very next time I ate/had a bodily function, I knew that such an existence of a divine being was bullshit.
just because nothing happened, doesn't mean there isn't a god/higher energy, it just means there isn't a wizard in the sky granting wishes. i think it's impossible to know how we got here and what happens next, so i never understood how people could be so sure about these type of things.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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