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OfflineImaginingEmotions
SkyjumpingDude


Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1,489
Last seen: 6 years, 23 days
My troubles...
    #14317810 - 04/19/11 02:30 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I've been dating this girl for 3 years now and it's been pretty rough. We've seperated and gotten back together a bazillion times. I've been at a position for awhile now where I get tired of her careless antics when I'm with her, but when I'm not with her she's the only one I want. Seriously, i've been torn on this shit forever now, and I have no clue what to do.

There are alot of traits about her that I do I like, and an equal amount that I don't like. She's always judging me and if I don't act like the way she wants me to, that means I don't love her. She's really insecure about us and can't really trust me. She goes through my shit to see if I've cheated, and if I even laugh with another girl that isn't her best friend, that means I'm flirting.

Maybe I'm just too much of a pansy to let her go.

Any advice?


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InvisibleAIRDOG
Male User Gallery


Registered: 10/16/99
Posts: 3,493
Loc: world's shroom capital
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14317819 - 04/19/11 02:32 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

dump her

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OfflineCakret
Newbie Cultivator
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/24/11
Posts: 112
Last seen: 4 months, 4 days
Re: My troubles... [Re: AIRDOG]
    #14317885 - 04/19/11 02:44 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I see alot of Similarities in your situtation that i have in my own,  and have had in previous relationships,  every time i bring upa  possible split or break up,  I get Cried to and begged,  so i feel Guilty, if i where to break it off with my current girl,  in your situtation,  try to communicate with her a bit.  2 Golden Rules  Trust and Communication, If she Cant do Those to things, and isnt willing to learn how,  She may not be the Right one for you.  On the Flip side,  it is a Two Way street, i wish you luck

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OfflineShroom lover
Lord Shiva
Male


Registered: 08/09/09
Posts: 580
Loc: LSD island
Last seen: 12 years, 2 months
Re: My troubles... [Re: Cakret]
    #14317930 - 04/19/11 02:52 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Maybe I'm just too much of a pansy to let her go




there's you answer


--------------------
Lets go back in the time machine to ancient india and smoke Hashish with Lord Shiva.

"nuthin beats a couple bowls at midnight when the world around you is fast asleep" - LetsGetBlazed

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InvisibleSillyMe
alone
 User Gallery

Registered: 04/19/11
Posts: 278
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14317950 - 04/19/11 02:57 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
She's always judging me and if I don't act like the way she wants me to, that means I don't love her. She's really insecure about us and can't really trust me. She goes through my shit to see if I've cheated, and if I even laugh with another girl that isn't her best friend, that means I'm flirting.





She's controlling and manipulative. Love is not about judging our partners. Love is acceptance and understanding. And more often then not, those who are constantly distrustful of their partners cheating are that way because they've done it.

I agree with Airdog, dump her.


--------------------
Oh, wind and rain they haunt me. Look to the North and pray.
Send me, please, his kisses. Send them home today.
I'm begging, Jesus, please. Send his love to me.

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Offlinedshow
Nomad
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Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 5,255
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
Re: My troubles... [Re: SillyMe]
    #14318002 - 04/19/11 03:06 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Quote:

Maybe I'm just too much of a pansy to let her go



there's you answer




and your wasting your time.

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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
Female


Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14321837 - 04/20/11 07:51 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
I've been dating this girl for 3 years now and it's been pretty rough. We've seperated and gotten back together a bazillion times. I've been at a position for awhile now where I get tired of her careless antics when I'm with her, but when I'm not with her she's the only one I want. Seriously, i've been torn on this shit forever now, and I have no clue what to do.

There are alot of traits about her that I do I like, and an equal amount that I don't like. She's always judging me and if I don't act like the way she wants me to, that means I don't love her. She's really insecure about us and can't really trust me. She goes through my shit to see if I've cheated, and if I even laugh with another girl that isn't her best friend, that means I'm flirting.

Maybe I'm just too much of a pansy to let her go.

Any advice?




Sounds like it's time to take a look at how you allow yourself to be treated, and how much you respect yourself.  People treat us exactly how we teach them to treat us, and they treat us the way they do because it works.  Change what works, and people will treat you differently.

Here are a few books you'd benefit from (get 'em from the library or look for audio torrents of them if you desire):

- When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith (has great conversation scripts for handling manipulative people)
- Boundaries (when to say yes, when to say no, take control of your life) by Drs. Cloud and Townsend
- How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Note:  You can go ahead and break up with this particular girl and hope that the next treats you better and with more respect, but if you don't learn how to inspire respect from people (instead of trying to demand it), you'll find that eventually someone who DOES respect you in the start will fall into DISRESPECTING you later on. 

These books will give you huge things to think about during your psychedelic journies, lots of great fodder to talk to your girlfriend and friends about, and in time will help re-program you from the inside, out, to live a happier life with happier thoughts and relationships that are respectful both ways.

Good luck!


--------------------
Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 07:52 AM)

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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
Female


Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: My troubles... [Re: SillyMe]
    #14321850 - 04/20/11 07:56 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

SillyMe said:
Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
She's always judging me and if I don't act like the way she wants me to, that means I don't love her. She's really insecure about us and can't really trust me. She goes through my shit to see if I've cheated, and if I even laugh with another girl that isn't her best friend, that means I'm flirting.





She's controlling and manipulative. Love is not about judging our partners. Love is acceptance and understanding. And more often then not, those who are constantly distrustful of their partners cheating are that way because they've done it.

I agree with Airdog, dump her.




My question is "why does he let her judgements and insecurities bother him?"

The "Boundaries" book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend (mentioned in my post above this one) - while it has a lot of Christian references that may bother some people - will be of particular help to this relationship.  Her feelings and insecurities are not something he needs to feel responsible for mitigating.  He's only got to worry about his own feelings and insecurities, and leave her to hers.

I think, however, the OP is afraid of being alone, afraid of not being able to find someone as beautiful/smart/financially set/whatever as this woman is, and therefore he clings on to his insecurity by keeping the relationship going.  Then on top of that he points the finger at what SHE is doing as to why there's problems - instead of looking in the mirror and asking himself why he truly and honestly stays around for the treatment.

OP needs to figure out some self-love before anyone else will love him.  I hope he does it before there's a child involved.


--------------------
Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 07:57 AM)

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OfflineImaginingEmotions
SkyjumpingDude


Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1,489
Last seen: 6 years, 23 days
Re: My troubles... [Re: potgrrl]
    #14322180 - 04/20/11 09:48 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Ok, you guys are gonna hate me, but we talked and we agreed to work on our relationship with the aide of books, trust building, exercises, etc. I mean really get our heads on straight, because in the past we just talked about it and never executed.

Only time will tell, and If it's not going to work, it'll show within 2 months because that's the distance between the quarrels.


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OfflineCakret
Newbie Cultivator
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/24/11
Posts: 112
Last seen: 4 months, 4 days
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14322314 - 04/20/11 10:18 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Book reading should help alot,  as long as your both reading and Both Applying,  worse comes to worse women out number men on this planet so you will find a new one,  but i know what its like to end a 3 year relationship,  your so used to that person, to break up would be a complete life changing event.

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Offlineclaraclairvoyant
well oiled machine
 User Gallery


Registered: 05/24/09
Posts: 7,802
Last seen: 6 years, 8 months
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14322329 - 04/20/11 10:20 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
Ok, you guys are gonna hate me, but we talked and we agreed to work on our relationship with the aide of books, trust building, exercises, etc. I mean really get our heads on straight, because in the past we just talked about it and never executed.

Only time will tell, and If it's not going to work, it'll show within 2 months because that's the distance between the quarrels.



we're not going to hate you, but you might end up hating yourself. i've been in relationships like this and it's not worth it. when you're apart you only want her because it's all you've known for the past few years. i'm sorry you have to deal with this right now and i do wish you two the best.


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OfflineCakret
Newbie Cultivator
Male User Gallery


Registered: 03/24/11
Posts: 112
Last seen: 4 months, 4 days
Re: My troubles... [Re: claraclairvoyant]
    #14322349 - 04/20/11 10:25 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

claraclairvoyant said:
Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
Ok, you guys are gonna hate me, but we talked and we agreed to work on our relationship with the aide of books, trust building, exercises, etc. I mean really get our heads on straight, because in the past we just talked about it and never executed.

Only time will tell, and If it's not going to work, it'll show within 2 months because that's the distance between the quarrels.



we're not going to hate you, but you might end up hating yourself. i've been in relationships like this and it's not worth it. when you're apart you only want her because it's all you've known for the past few years. i'm sorry you have to deal with this right now and i do wish you two the best.




i know exactly what you mean,  she has been that person in your life for so long,  to eliminate that even temporarily,  throws off everything for a bit,  but sometimes it is for the best

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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
Female


Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: My troubles... [Re: ImaginingEmotions]
    #14322481 - 04/20/11 11:02 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ImaginingEmotions said:
Ok, you guys are gonna hate me, but we talked and we agreed to work on our relationship with the aide of books, trust building, exercises, etc. I mean really get our heads on straight, because in the past we just talked about it and never executed.

Only time will tell, and If it's not going to work, it'll show within 2 months because that's the distance between the quarrels.




You probably don't realize it, but you project your own self-hatred onto others.  YOU don't like yourself very much, but the rest of us around here are pretty neutral, I'd imagine.  Do you do this often?  Does it get you sympathy?  Does that sympathy feel good in some way?

And wow, you give a 3 year relationship 2 months leeway for improvement?  You've already got a foot out the door... are you hoping she'll dump YOU so you don't have to do the dirty work?



Actually I think it's awesome that you guys are going to try to work it out AND you're going to get help to figure out how to do it.  Book reading is a start, but at some point you or both of you might want to consider counselling as well. (don't try to force her into it, but be open to going for your own growth needs, even if she tries to talk you out of it  - ESPECIALLY if she tries to talk you out of it)

Not that anything is wrong with you, but because having an unbiased 3rd party to relate your thoughts and stories to can help you figure out how to change your unhealthy patterns and reap new benefits.  Also, if your girlfriend is good at winning arguments and you feel like you're ultimately not getting your needs met, a counsellor can help you find the words and strategies to begin to handle those crazy-making debates.

What books are you looking to read? 

Are you following HER lead when it comes to what books to read, or are you putting in efforts to find relationship books that seem to resonate with you, as well?


--------------------
Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 11:09 AM)

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Invisiblepotgrrl
Tripper Grrl
Female


Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
Re: My troubles... [Re: potgrrl]
    #14322533 - 04/20/11 11:19 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Only time will tell, and If it's not going to work, it'll show within 2 months because that's the distance between the quarrels.




It is my experience that relationships that are in turmoil actually get WORSE before they get better.

It's NOT EASY to learn how to set healthy boundaries of behavior that encourage others to treat us with respect.  If someone is disrespecting you it's because you're LETTING them.

It's NOT EASY to take responsibility and be fully accountable for what goes on in our lives, good and bad.  People are happy to claim the good stuff, but the bad stuff is always someone else's fault, somehow...

It's HARD to deal with the fact that even in exclusive relationships, things can get boring and temptations are everywhere.  You can get pissy and demand behaviors out of others but who wants to be loyal to a pissy, demanding partner?

Give yourself a break, you've got a difficult road to go down with your girl right now, don't expect miracles.  Be good to yourself, be good to her, and learn how to not allow others to abuse you.  That's what life is about :wink:


--------------------
Everything is arbitrary.  (me)

Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 11:20 AM)

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