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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: Definitions are always the kicker in debate and discussion, I'm finding! ![]() Quote: It sounds like you're still in school somewhere - college or university, etc? I found that once I started a career job, then I went on more regular "dates" where we went out just the two of us for a movie or out for dinner or out to something going on in the city. I also found that I did most of my date pulling from recreational activities I got involved in, whereas in school I was hanging out/going out with fellow schoolmates. Dating co-workers can get really messy, however, so the outside-of-work hobbies suddenly became really important, whereas in school they didn't matter as much. Add in there that if you're introverted vs extroverted, once your friends start marrying off and procreating, your social groups get more fragmented and smaller and the ability to passively watch and choose partners is reduced yet again. It's interesting to note that there's a whole new slew of single people once you get to your mid-30s again, as a bunch of the ones who married in their early 20s get divorced... but they're still difficult to discern in a standing crowd. (thus if they're direct and just ask me out, I appreciate that) And heh, another definition item to ponder: If you're spending time together and you're both attracted to another, but the word "date" hasn't been uttered, does that mean it's NOT a date? I think if the intent is to get to know each other better with the purpose of screening for a long term romantic entanglement, no matter if both sides don't agree, it's a date for the person who is actively screening. Thus, you may not only be "dating" more than one person right now, you might even be going out on "group dates" like they used to call them in the 50s, when you hang out with friends & there's someone there you have chemistry for. The word "friend" has been so clouded in the past 50 years it's hilarious. Facebook using that terminology has only added to the cloud of confusion, because really, who has 800 friends who know them intimately, and vice versa? I think the word "date" has also been pretty clouded with taboo and fear and labels of promiscuity. If nothing else, it makes for interesting conversations with new internet buddies ![]() Oh yah, I should add "buddy" into that definition list. I can be quite open with online buddies but they're still not necessarily "friends". Slight step up from Aquaintences tho ![]() TTFN, internet buddies
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me) Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 07:23 AM)
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Cultivate the inside Registered: 08/07/06 Posts: 4,340 |
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Quote: I am highly introverted and have a very, very small group of friends. Because I am really shy, can be a bitch, and tend to be too literal, I'm bad at making friends in school environments or any environment where people aren't unified by one common interest like...orchid culture. However, I like a broad range of subjects and involve myself in many things so I meet people through that. I try to meet people through activities, that way I know they already have something going on in their lives that could make our relationship enriching (be it platonic or potential for something more). I am not actively looking for a guy either...I never really did. I contented myself dreaming about being a hermit, single, mad scientist who lives in an off-the grid cabin in the woods with a sick lab, with art decorating the property. ![]() I still view date in the same way as you, but I don't use it ever. Idk, I just haven't "liked" enough people to know, honestly. I've only developed feelings for one person. I am indeed college age, but I am not currently enrolled. I'll stop hijacking now.
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Captain of the Sinking Ship Registered: 02/07/11 Posts: 2,857 Loc: Nowhere Last seen: 4 months, 10 days |
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I just want you to know how absurd all of this sounds to me.
@PotGrrl-" if your "friend" can't handle hearing when you go on dates with other people, then they're not much of a friend. They're a poser who is hoping that by being friends with you, you'll eventually see what a great guy they are and want to be with them. It's dishonest at a fundamental level." What you are saying is that people, in order to become attached, should be emotionally unattached. You are saying that people should be self-centered. The guy should not give a shit about the girl, and the girl is welcome to talk and act in whatever way she wants without regard to the effects it has of the other person's feelings. And if these two shallow self-centered people, put their shallow self centered lives away for a minute to be together, the relationship will be empty because will be built on mutual disrespect for one-another. God forbid you treat somebody's feelings with respect... You are saying that I should throw whatever I have away, because men should act like MEN? Sure I would be alone, or find myself a shollow meaningless relationship, but at least I would have my self-respect (another selfish, egotistic emotion) and manhood... Now, I am convinced there are plenty of men out there that act like this. But not everyone does. And its easy for you guys to say to me, "just be that guy." But, I can never be that guy, and I am pretty sure I have no desire to act that way whatsoever ![]() @TTT-"I don't agree with any of this. I would never date a guy who behaved in such a way. I would also never date a guy seriously that I wasn't good friends with for at least a year." Yeah, I really feel more comfortable dating with someone I know and am comfortable with. Personally, I have no urge to engage in PUA bullshit. I really have no desire to put myself through, boring, pointless, superficial convos, with stupid girls I don;t know. No it really is true, I have almost zero desire to meet new people because 99% of them are a waste of space; men and women. Not that I have a good track record for picking the best mates, but I find that the person I would choose initially, is not the one who usually emerges over time as the person I desire most. Basically, the right girls have a tendency to grow on me. Now the question is, how to avoid the friend zone later on, while building a friendship and an initial bond, whilst, not acting like a fucking-self-centered douche bag shallow piece-of-shit? I don't feel like we have really gotten at the issue yet... Thanks again everyone for your input. I am learning that relationships are even more difficult than I imagined...
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Captain of the Sinking Ship Registered: 02/07/11 Posts: 2,857 Loc: Nowhere Last seen: 4 months, 10 days |
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Quote: Hmmm, I don;t feel like I have noticed this one way or the other. She does have a tendency to "mark her territory a bit." I guess, but this could be for a whole range of reasons. She HATES another girl at work that gets flirty with me. haha! Once I was talking to a girl with green hair, and Sarah seemed very annoyed by her hair color. So, maybe, maybe not?
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: I agree, it's absurd. I wish it wasn't this way, too. I'd rather people could both be straight with one another, but after listening to David Deida's Way of the Superior Man where he talks about how sexual polarity develops between two people, I started to realize there are some VERY interesting dynamics going on that we try to rationalize our way out of, and fail. Quote: What about her feelings of not wanting to be faced with the jealous boyfriend act from someone who isn't even a boyfriend? Quote: I found it very enlightening to find relationship boards and read about the guys who talk about their lives once they're 40 and married, with a mortgage and a couple of kids... and read their backstories. Especially the ones who are facing a sexless marriage or an affair of some sort (hers or his). Guys who acted too supportive and "emotional" ended up getting walked over. One they found their inner masculine strength and passion and direction in life, the women that walked over them either left because they wanted to find a new sucker, or they smartened up because they appreciated the healthy boundaries. If nothing else, think of the guy that you and others around you respect the most. He doesn't let people mistreat him, he pulls them aside and handles things maturely. He doesn't beat his chest and say "look at me, how great I am" yet people continually think he's great. He works hard and plays hard but always with a good sportsmanship theme, where he is capable of winning OR losing while still sincerely congratulating his opponent for their skill and tenacity. I agree that assholes suck, don't become one. But a man who acts from a place of confidence, passion for life, and appreciation of the awesomeness of existence is truly a force to reckon with, and has his choice of high quality women who will nurture not only him, but his children, for years. Quote: Thank you for bringing the topic back Seriously, all you can do is let them know your desires, what you want to see happen, and be willing to set some healthy boundaries to protect yourself so you don't lay yourself out to be abused, and then feel resentful at the abuse later on. If you are okay with being friends, then BE FRIENDS. Treat her exactly like you'd treat a guy friend - that is, be direct with your thoughts and opinions and don't hold them back out of fear of "hurting" her... she is responsible for her own feelings, you're not her caretaker - and don't try to protect her from herself or her own choices, either. If you're just friends with her, then you should be looking to date other girls, and setting boundaries of acceptable behavior that you will and will not stand for from her (you're accepting that she stakes ownership but WON'T LET YOU TOUCH HER??! How convenient for her that you don't get her and you don't get to have ANYONE either!) If you can't do that, if you find yourself being eaten up inside when she talks about another guy or when she goes on a date with another guy, then you really HAVE to WALK AWAY for your own sake. You don't have to walk away permanently, but often 6 months to a year break from a close friend you've fallen in love with will let you "reset the buttons" and have more emotional control the next time you try the friends thing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make 'em drink. Sometimes the hardest part about being a mature adult - man or woman - is knowing when it's best to save your pride and walk away completely. If she's not interested in a relationship with you and is actively blocking you with jealousy when you begin to show interest in someone else (or they in you) I'd say it's time to walk away and go "no contact" for 6 months to reset the buttons. Who knows, once you show you have the internal fortitude to walk away and stay away from her, she may find she really IS interested in a relationship with you. But will it be truth, or just another attempt to get you back under her thumb, doing things for her without her having to do much for you? That's the hard part to figure out
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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Stranger Registered: 02/12/11 Posts: 29 Last seen: 12 years, 9 months |
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I second the above posting.
FBI, I don't know if you can avoid being but in the friend zone, especially if you were friends with her before you started dating her. What she wants from you is her choice. You shouldn't have to suddenly become someone else. You really should date other women. I know so many females who are dying to meet a good guy, and it sounds like you are a very genuine person. Even if you don't fall for them like you fell for this girl, it will help you move past her. Eventually, she'll only be your friend and you'll have found a wonderful woman with whom you have a mutual bond. That beat any sort of unrequited love ANY day.
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The Mother Fucking Bear-o-dactyl Registered: 12/10/02 Posts: 20,917 Loc: all up in ya |
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Quote: Are you all having a conversation or writing a book? This thread has too many words. -------------------- [quote]KristiMidocean said: Good now thats clear.WHO FUCKING CARES. If I am fat u all keep pointing it out like its suppose to be a secret.LIke u really have nothing better to do then make fat jokes. If o know its like I do I know yall can come up with NEW AND BETTER SHIT . This shit is old and boring . I left in the first place cause this shit got boring not because of the fat jokes . Fat jokes dont bother me but seriously its old[/quote]
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: LOL then you quote the entire article... I love the irony. -------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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Captain of the Sinking Ship Registered: 02/07/11 Posts: 2,857 Loc: Nowhere Last seen: 4 months, 10 days |
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Je-Zus-Christ. I have some real sole searching to do. LIke up in the mountains, grow a beard, have a vision quest sort of thing. I don't even know where to start...
Edited by fbi365 (04/20/11 12:49 PM)
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: Women are freaking confusing - we even confuse ourselves!!! I don't envy you guys. -------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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Stranger Registered: 02/12/11 Posts: 29 Last seen: 12 years, 9 months |
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Quote: Lol. Ain't that the truth. Everyone could benefit from a little self reflection - most of the women I know, especially.
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: True, we all could benefit from self-reflection. The kicker is that a lot of social messages tell women "go girl" and men "down boy", and that's got to be re-addressed at a personal level for most guys. Until a guy respects himself enough to not allow a cute girl to use him, the cute girl isn't going to have a need to self-reflect. In fact, she may never have to - there are an endless supply of guys who will let a cute girl walk all over them for the brief chance of some attention, or maybe a little sex. Sad sad sad but once the truth is accepted, a guy can more easily screen out the attention whores and find the quality girl who is quietly living her life. -------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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frog goten Registered: 11/23/09 Posts: 150 |
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for gods/goddesses (not sexist again fuck yas) say this after me.
I am responsible for everything that happens to ME. I will see the next day as a day I shall take responsibility for the way I feel act and think. I will not feel anything other than what I promote my "mind" to feel. I shall love what I choose and hate what I choose. If I choose to understand some one or thing then I shall. If I choose to let some one else not understand me I shall. but most important I shall be responsible for the way I feel and act. what friends syndrome are we talking about again. there are so many people in this world if you feel that your not getting what you wish from a relasionship with another living creater then decide what to do about it. but most of all realise that its your feelings that you control that has put you in this place in the first place. now if your into souls its totaly different. but then again you would know that a soul mate comes when you least expect it.
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Stranger Registered: 02/12/11 Posts: 29 Last seen: 12 years, 9 months |
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One day, those cute girls are going to be haggard old women. If they made poor choices, they may end up with the wrong dude who still wants the cute, attention-whoring girl. And seeks and perhaps finds it. I guess they'll do some reflecting, then. Maybe pass on those reflections to children / grandchildren / nieces?
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frog goten Registered: 11/23/09 Posts: 150 |
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Quote: YOUR THE MAN !!!! couldnt have said it better.
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: Yep, eventually everyone gets to reflect. I think straight males are kind of forced to do it earlier in life due to nature's biological power dynamics. Forced to do it, or remain lonely and undersexed, that is, until he marries and raises someone else's kids
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me) Edited by potgrrl (04/20/11 01:56 PM)
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frog goten Registered: 11/23/09 Posts: 150 |
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honestly girls are a dime a dozen.
ive hung with dudes that were in there 60's still pullen babes and happy that they knew which ones were good of heart and mind. its in your heart and soul. learn to be. hell whats trippen about after all. take some dance classes or something. learn to cook. learn tai chi join a band it never ends. in all honesty most people have such shit lives that they are screaming for some one that has an idea about what this planet and existance is about. find the answer and you find the jewel. simple your responsible for your own feelings and life.
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frog goten Registered: 11/23/09 Posts: 150 |
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Ill add to that as above this is not what a soul mate is.
you can not pick them you can not expect to even get one. there is no lets find the right person or dating services would work. do we all share something that is infanite and universal ? the right people just know. some of us get the chance and some of us dont. I would rather be alone and going from relasionship to relasionship than try and cop out and say I am looking for the right person. the right person will just happen to cross my path or they wont. why should I or any one else feel bad becouse there not part of the 4.5 member family with the loving partner that does exactly what our system expects them to do.
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Captain of the Sinking Ship Registered: 02/07/11 Posts: 2,857 Loc: Nowhere Last seen: 4 months, 10 days |
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Quote: Isn't that like the Alcoholics anonymous prayer or something? Joking.My patience and drive to put the effort into women comes and goes. I feel a wave of apathy coming on in spite of all your motivating words. This apathy is directly proportional to the magnitude of my injury. Unfortunately, this one's pretty epic. 6+ months of clean shaves, nice cologne, all smiles and laughs, and countless hours. If the community wants. I will turn this thread over to anyone else out there needing advice/to vent about the intolerable purgatory that is "JUST FRIENDS" ![]() I will continue to post as questions/concerns come up, but I think I got what I needed.
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Tripper Grrl Registered: 01/14/10 Posts: 641 |
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Quote: Actually, that's not too bad. I've seen guys go for YEARS in an obviously losing battle. I'll bet, actually, that if you look around at some of the women who are "just kinda around" in your social group, there are a few who have noticed your ability to clean up nice, and kind of wish you'd turn your attention towards them a bit. Don't be afraid to let your "inner scruffy man" come out, too! It's very masculine, that facial hair stuff! -------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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Joking.

