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Offlinesunset_mission
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What do you think of some of my writing?
    #14294622 - 04/15/11 08:59 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I was pretty bored waiting for Math class to end since I finished my test pretty early and just started writing some lyrics along to some vocal-less ambient tracks I made. Any kind of feedback would be appreciated.

Quote:

The sky is still burning...

I bask beneath the shade of a dead tree, as the brilliant radiance of a sempiternally searing firmament benights my entire vision. It will be aeons more until we are once again reborn in the place of a shattered planet.

I dissipated into the akashic stream to weave the fabric of all Space and Time, where the Heavens and the abyss alike are embedded. I wish only to devour myself, and all things, so that we may once again attain everlasting tranquility in your star-wide embrace.

Veritas ethos manet in aeternum...

...Thus I meditated at the pagoda ruins overlooking the stream where carcasses drift and petals of flesh dance gracefully; I once again pondered upon your mysterious and infinite eternal vastness as everything around me burned...

...forever.




Quote:

To become the ebbing flow of the ether and inoculate the Logos, beyond all impossibilities and in the face of soul-shattering trials and tribulations; it was betwixt the gap of a rotting elm tree veiling the ivory twilit firmament that I did find solace.

The calming breeze heralds the Spring, whilst vultures gather where ye lie. Dire and ever circling, they long for the moment when they may feast upon your soulless decaying carcass in sick delight.

Hath ye seen the moths which infest the cathedral?

They were coated in blood, Lourde... my blood. It was exquisite, the manner in which the entrails of the defiant adorned the chapel walls.

The gaps of their eyes and mouths were nothing less than the most abyssmal depths of the void.

You gnashed their bones and obliterated their visage. Purifying them.




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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14294977 - 04/15/11 10:46 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:foreveralone:


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OfflineNetDiver
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14294987 - 04/15/11 10:49 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Sort of reminds me of HP Lovecraft. Would be pretty cool if you made it into a whole story.


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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: NetDiver]
    #14295077 - 04/15/11 11:18 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I've never tried my hand at a short story before. Thanks for the Lovecraft comparison, though I don't really see it.

Also, many fucking props for the Rurouni Kenshin avatar! :kenthumbup:


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OfflineJT
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14295270 - 04/15/11 12:00 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

good visualizations, subtle but not forced. i can see the lovecraft there too, the language sounds like some in his various diatribes about humanity.


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OfflineTreefeeler
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: JT]
    #14295320 - 04/15/11 12:12 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I was not a fan (but that's just me).
Too flowery, I feel like it was an exhibition of your vocabulary more than anything.


--------------------


With the exception of grammatical corrections, everything I say is completely false and without foundation.


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Offlinepropensity
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: Treefeeler]
    #14295332 - 04/15/11 12:14 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I dunno. Not subtle enough for my tastes personally.

Bit too verbose


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OfflineJT
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: propensity]
    #14295348 - 04/15/11 12:17 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

maybe you're just not high enough:dancingbacon:


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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: JT]
    #14295350 - 04/15/11 12:17 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Treefeeler said:
I was not a fan (but that's just me).
Too flowery, I feel like it was an exhibition of your vocabulary more than anything.




I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.
Quote:

JT said:
good visualizations, subtle but not forced. i can see the lovecraft there too, the language sounds like some in his various diatribes about humanity.




Thanks, I try to induce some visualizing with my art.


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OfflineTreefeeler
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: propensity]
    #14295404 - 04/15/11 12:28 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sunset_mission:
I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.




Vocabulary is meant to be utilized with care, not shot all over the place.  If your unable to control your vocab. then all of your writing is going to come out with the same overcomplicated voice/tone (great writing is often built on the cornerstone of simplicity).

Propensity said, "Verbose," and I think he/she was right on the money.


--------------------


With the exception of grammatical corrections, everything I say is completely false and without foundation.


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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: Treefeeler]
    #14295424 - 04/15/11 12:34 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Treefeeler said:
Quote:

sunset_mission:
I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.




Vocabulary is meant to be utilized with care, not shot all over the place.  If your unable to control your vocab. then all of your writing is going to come out with the same overcomplicated voice/tone (great writing is often built on the cornerstone of simplicity).

Propensity said, "Verbose," and I think he/she was right on the money.




I'm not aimlessly putting vocabulary all over the place, I choose my words very carefully and they each serve a purpose. I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe you just simply can't understand what I'm trying to convey, perhaps?


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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14295486 - 04/15/11 12:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sunset_mission said:
Quote:

Treefeeler said:
Quote:

sunset_mission:
I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.




Vocabulary is meant to be utilized with care, not shot all over the place.  If your unable to control your vocab. then all of your writing is going to come out with the same overcomplicated voice/tone (great writing is often built on the cornerstone of simplicity).

Propensity said, "Verbose," and I think he/she was right on the money.




I'm not aimlessly putting vocabulary all over the place, I choose my words very carefully and they each serve a purpose. I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe you just simply can't understand what I'm trying to convey, perhaps?




You've got two people calling it overly verbose. No need to get condescendingly defensive here.


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Offlinemeatcakeman
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: ifoundwaldo]
    #14295517 - 04/15/11 12:58 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sunset_mission said:
Quote:

Treefeeler said:
Quote:

sunset_mission:
I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.




Vocabulary is meant to be utilized with care, not shot all over the place.  If your unable to control your vocab. then all of your writing is going to come out with the same overcomplicated voice/tone (great writing is often built on the cornerstone of simplicity).

Propensity said, "Verbose," and I think he/she was right on the money.




I'm not aimlessly putting vocabulary all over the place, I choose my words very carefully and they each serve a purpose. I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe you just simply can't understand what I'm trying to convey, perhaps?





imo, your stories flow in that they are coherent, but they aren't eloquent. you can't just jumble a bunch of words together in hopes of conveying something profound. firstly, they lack direction. secondly, they lack substance. i see it as a bunch of filler fluff. :shrug:


now, if these were supposed to be just free-writes, you did a very good job, and i like them. but, if you were trying to write a story, it lacks premise.


--------------------
大开眼界

:awegroove:
:fbsnugs::fbsnugs::fbsnugs:
Hasta siempre, comandante.
:mattz:


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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: ifoundwaldo]
    #14295643 - 04/15/11 01:32 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

meatcakeman said:
Quote:

sunset_mission said:
Quote:

Treefeeler said:
Quote:

sunset_mission:
I only ever utilize my extensive vocabulary when I write. :shrug: It's hard for me to write simple things, as stupid as that sounds.




Vocabulary is meant to be utilized with care, not shot all over the place.  If your unable to control your vocab. then all of your writing is going to come out with the same overcomplicated voice/tone (great writing is often built on the cornerstone of simplicity).

Propensity said, "Verbose," and I think he/she was right on the money.




I'm not aimlessly putting vocabulary all over the place, I choose my words very carefully and they each serve a purpose. I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe you just simply can't understand what I'm trying to convey, perhaps?





imo, your stories flow in that they are coherent, but they aren't eloquent. you can't just jumble a bunch of words together in hopes of conveying something profound. firstly, they lack direction. secondly, they lack substance. i see it as a bunch of filler fluff. :shrug:


now, if these were supposed to be just free-writes, you did a very good job, and i like them. but, if you were trying to write a story, it lacks premise.




Nah dude! I wasn't trying to write a story, I prefer free-writing. They follow a certain concept but aren't meant to flow as one piece, so you hit the nail on the head. I love free writing. :smile:

Quote:

ifoundwaldo said:
You've got two people calling it overly verbose. No need to get condescendingly defensive here.




Not my intention, I'm just wondering if there's a misunderstanding. I'm aware it lacks direction, I've never been able or tried to sit down and write a story. Those 2 pieces up there were written in a few minutes, just short lyrics for songs.


Edited by sunset_mission (04/15/11 01:37 PM)


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Offlinemeatcakeman
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14295676 - 04/15/11 01:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

well the great thing about free-writes is the mental liberation. free-writing best portrays one's ability to translate thought/vision into a verbal context. and imo, you did a good job of choreographing an interesting array of visualized depictions. personally, i prefer more abstract and existential thought, but this was good for what it's worth, nonetheless. imo, the second one was better than the first, though. it was thought-provoking.


--------------------
大开眼界

:awegroove:
:fbsnugs::fbsnugs::fbsnugs:
Hasta siempre, comandante.
:mattz:


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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: meatcakeman]
    #14295691 - 04/15/11 01:40 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

meatcakeman said:
well the great thing about free-writes is the mental liberation. free-writing best portrays one's ability to translate thought/vision into a verbal context. and imo, you did a good job of choreographing an interesting array of visualized depictions. personally, i prefer more abstract and existential thought, but this was good for what it's worth, nonetheless. imo, the second one was better than the first, though. it was thought-provoking.




I agree wholeheartedly. This is a bit of a challenge for me since I almost always write about predominately metaphysical concepts so it's both damn difficult but pretty easy to get some visualization going. What thoughts did the second one provoke for you?


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OfflineNetDiver
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14295745 - 04/15/11 01:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I don't feel like there's a problem with the verbose writing style, so long as it remains consistent, and fits the story being told.

But yeah, you're not supposed to respond to critiques of your writing with "no you're wrong!" You're supposed to respond with "thank you so much for taking the time to read it." :tongue:


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OfflineCarnivalBarker
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: NetDiver]
    #14295750 - 04/15/11 01:53 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

To be honest, it reads like you're trying too hard. There is beauty in simplicity.


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Offlinepropensity
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: NetDiver]
    #14295755 - 04/15/11 01:55 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Samurai Drifter said:
I don't feel like there's a problem with the verbose writing style, so long as it remains consistent, and fits the story being told.

But yeah, you're not supposed to respond to critiques of your writing with "no you're wrong!" You're supposed to respond with "thank you so much for taking the time to read it." :tongue:




Verbosity can work but here I feel like it translates to melodrama.

Not a shitload, but :shrug:


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Offlinemeatcakeman
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: sunset_mission]
    #14295802 - 04/15/11 02:06 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

sunset_mission said:
Quote:

meatcakeman said:
well the great thing about free-writes is the mental liberation. free-writing best portrays one's ability to translate thought/vision into a verbal context. and imo, you did a good job of choreographing an interesting array of visualized depictions. personally, i prefer more abstract and existential thought, but this was good for what it's worth, nonetheless. imo, the second one was better than the first, though. it was thought-provoking.




I agree wholeheartedly. This is a bit of a challenge for me since I almost always write about predominately metaphysical concepts so it's both damn difficult but pretty easy to get some visualization going. What thoughts did the second one provoke for you?




your use of the word Logos had me thinking about Ancient Greece. a few subtle religious connotations reminded me of Socrates, how he was persecuted for his denouncing of the Gods. then i was thinking about the fall of demos in Greece, greek humanism, Thales, Parmenides, the Sophists, impiety, etc.

i took an Ancient Greece history class, so that particular free-write spurred quite a commotion in my noggin.


--------------------
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:awegroove:
:fbsnugs::fbsnugs::fbsnugs:
Hasta siempre, comandante.
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Offlinesunset_mission
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Re: What do you think of some of my writing? [Re: CarnivalBarker]
    #14295813 - 04/15/11 02:08 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Samurai Drifter said:
I don't feel like there's a problem with the verbose writing style, so long as it remains consistent, and fits the story being told.

But yeah, you're not supposed to respond to critiques of your writing with "no you're wrong!" You're supposed to respond with "thank you so much for taking the time to read it." :tongue:




Forgive me for I am still slightly burnt out. :crazy: I appreciate the feedback though. I apologize to anybody if I came off as scathing or condescending. :aum:

Quote:

CarnivalBarker said:
To be honest, it reads like you're trying too hard. There is beauty in simplicity.




There is indeed beauty in simplicity. Minimalism is a major philosophy I use in my music and by extension my life. I like to try getting the most out of the least. My writing is pretty simple; instead of conveying what I'm trying to express in paragraphs I try to do so with a few powerful words. I'm going to take alot of this feedback into consideration and try a more simplistic approach and see how that goes.

The Shroomery gives the best and most constructive feedback, I love this place.


Edited by sunset_mission (04/15/11 02:12 PM)


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