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InvisibleliloldmeFacebook
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Age of Consent Essay for school *DELETED*
    #14287898 - 04/14/11 12:54 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Post deleted by liloldme

Reason for deletion: old



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme] * 2
    #14287908 - 04/14/11 12:56 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

The teacher was being nice.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287912 - 04/14/11 12:57 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

ohh yeah I was totally joking towards the end aha im down with running start ahaha


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287921 - 04/14/11 12:59 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

other people decided to write about how baby dophins are better than whales idk I thought it was decent. Im only in english 102 im not fucking rainman or some shit


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287924 - 04/14/11 12:59 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

I am not here to write about whether they are right or wrong



but then u go on to write about ur subjective opinions...


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287932 - 04/14/11 01:01 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I think it was the sarcasm at the end there that made her bump your grade down.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287940 - 04/14/11 01:02 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Thats an essay? Seems a bit short. And bad.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: The_Ghost]
    #14287977 - 04/14/11 01:12 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

The_Ghost said:
Thats an penis? Seems a bit short. And bad.



dont be so harsh


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: The_Ghost]
    #14287981 - 04/14/11 01:13 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

yeah it was only a 2 page double spaced requirement. I think your right i shouldnt have been so sarcastic at the end. Im always mega blazed when I write honestly Ill be glad to be done with english classes.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287985 - 04/14/11 01:14 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Dude, you're lucky to have gotten a C. There are so many things I could fault this essay with. To begin with, there are no paragraphs. :picard:

What level English is this, anyway?


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Enlil said:
You really are the worst kind of person.



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Coaster]
    #14287987 - 04/14/11 01:14 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

omg I suck at these fmL aha I wish it was a botany class or something


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287993 - 04/14/11 01:15 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

its 102, and yeah copied and pasted over destroyed the layout :frown:


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14287999 - 04/14/11 01:17 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

We had to talk about the color yellow for like an hour yesterday and how it made us feel, idk I guess I'm just not meshing with this class.. I loved my last 2 english teachers.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14288006 - 04/14/11 01:18 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I'm taking English: Formal Composition right now and it's hellish. I actually write for pleasure, which is totally incompatible with the stuff they're trying to teach us. Original thought is optional, proper MLA format is not. It's like a class designed to suck all the joy out of something I've always loved. :zomgwtf:

I understand why it's important to have formal composition skills as a graduate, but god damn it hurts anyway :emo:


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Enlil said:
You really are the worst kind of person.



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14288070 - 04/14/11 01:30 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

This has revision written all over it.  I can tell that your interested in the subject, have points to get across and write with a strong voice.  But when I read this I find that your making a fair amount of nonspecific comments that leave me either wondering how you support the information, or that the information your presenting doesn't explicitly state anything.
Example:
"Studies have shown women who have babies at a younger age are much more likely to have strong healthy young"
I'm left wondering where you got this information and what studies your referring to.  Its common knowledge that a 20yo woman is a superior biological vessel for a child then a 40yo woman (on average).  But if you start referring to studies then you MUST back up the claims.


In addition, your being too wordy.  This was exactly how I would have written a paper in English 12.  I thought that using more words meant that I was being more descriptive, and thus a better writer.  But dancing around the point confuses the reader (and simply leaves the reader with more to get through).  I think if you get it down to the meat of the matter then the body of your essay is going to have more form.

Also, much like my previous writing tendencies, your asking a ton of questions.  Questions in a paper/essay are mainly best if they are rare and rhetorical.  Its easy to ask a bunch of questions, its much harder to clearly and lucidly give your opinion to a question someone has asked you to write on.

If I'm coming off as a dick, I'm sorry, but after many years of being a bad writer, I've come through to intimately understand these mistakes.  Depending on the level of education your at, I think the grade (although it sucks) was deserved.  BUT, if I was the teacher/instructor/professor I would have made notes and asked for a revision.


--------------------


With the exception of grammatical corrections, everything I say is completely false and without foundation.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Treefeeler]
    #14288085 - 04/14/11 01:34 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

i didn't read your essay but if its about what i think its about then i think your teacher was nice not to just flunk u just for thinking about


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: makaveli8x8]
    #14288120 - 04/14/11 01:43 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

heres a tip,

if you spend class time talking about the color yellow.

probably not wise to pick a subject that is controversial like that.

pick green energy or something.

put ya tried :thumbup:


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14288401 - 04/14/11 03:54 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)


Quote:

liloldme said:
If I could help pass a vote making it illegal for women to date men younger than the age of 18 knocking out a huge percentage of my competition I would be all over that.





For future reference do not use language like that in a serious essay, using phrases like "I would be all over that" drags down the tone of it and makes it sound retarded. Be happy you got a C.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14288418 - 04/14/11 04:15 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

It's not necessarily the topic, but the way its written.  Your sentence structure and essay construction are pretty poor.  It's  pretty common among young writers though, so I'm not sure what your teacher is comparing to.  C is about right.


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...the whole experience is (and is as) a profound piece of knowledge.  It is an indellible experience; it is forever known.  I have known myself in a way I doubt I would have ever occurred except as it did.

Smith, P.  Bull. Menninger Clinic (1959) 23:20-27; p. 27.

...most subjects find the experience valuable, some find it frightening, and many say that is it uniquely lovely.

Osmond, H.  Annals, NY Acad Science (1957) 66:418-434; p.436


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: badchad]
    #14288947 - 04/14/11 09:05 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

thank you for all your input guys this all really helps!!


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14288993 - 04/14/11 09:19 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

This isn't even close to factual. Age of consent laws very by state. In New York, for example, it's legal to have sex with someone who is 17 if you are 18 or older.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14289040 - 04/14/11 09:33 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

That was funny.

B+ on the troll job of the American education system.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Noetical]
    #14289360 - 04/14/11 10:55 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

If this was supposed to be formal expository writing, then WOW was it ever BAD!

But I don't know what your instructions were - if it was an informal essay, then it was only sort of bad.  You use so many unnecessary phrases everywhere, and your writing is extremely ineloquent.

I'm taking a 100 level english this year, and I'm getting 60s with writing FAR better than that (and my writing is still uber shit).


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14289534 - 04/14/11 11:30 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I wont be harsh man, but I don't think she gave you a C because of the subject matter.


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Spectaculorum procedere debet





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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sprezzatura]
    #14292263 - 04/14/11 08:03 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Sprezzatura said:
I wont be harsh man, but I don't think she gave you a C because of the subject matter.




No. It was definitely form. It's a really weak essay.


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You really are the worst kind of person.



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sophistic Radiance] * 1
    #14293023 - 04/14/11 10:09 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Yeah. I wrote an essay in High School, delving into "practical methodology" for dismantling the U.S. Government and the system of religious indoctrination, for my 12th Grade Honors English Final. (Over 10 years ago, pre-9/11)

The educator of the course approached me for a discussion before the end of the school year to where he questioned my political conviction to the essay and vehemently disagreed with my entire belief structure.  To my astonishment, regardless of his diametric opposition, I was graded an 'A+' for the essay. 

I never went to college, but I do know that a majority of your Universities and institutions of 'Higher Education' are predominately liberal. At the very least, the Educators, particularly in the arena of English/Writing/Philosophy/social/politics, are more concerned with your ability to think and express and argue your perspectives rather than the subject matter or topic you chose to address.  Subversive and radical thinking professors are hardly a rarity.


Op, I would rewrite the essay just for fun and really analyze human behavior, natural instinct and mankind's unquenchable thirst to hinder themselves then deliberately defy their own sanctions. 

Be fearless when you write; the biggest mistake a writer can make is to acknowledge an audience and cater to their reactions.


--------------------
Spectaculorum procedere debet





:mushroom2: :beer:


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sprezzatura]
    #14293044 - 04/14/11 10:15 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

It's important to recognize the audience and their expectations so that you can speak in a way that they will understand, but this should serve the purpose of proving your point, rather than obstructing it.

(IE: recognizing audience and expectations is vital, catering to it is the mistake.)

OP's recognition of his audience falls on the side of obstruction. It is full of self-conscious, often even hesitant rationalizations for his position, designed to appeal to the most conservative possible audience.


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Enlil said:
You really are the worst kind of person.



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14293162 - 04/14/11 10:35 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

F


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sophistic Radiance]
    #14293178 - 04/14/11 10:37 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I see what you're saying and I could agree with that in a sense... when I write essays the only audience I'm trying to convince is myself. When I write fiction I don't acknowledge an audience, because once I accept the idea that someone else would be reading it, I tend to suppress my full capabilities of artistic expression.

I have written some twisted short stories that I never intended anyone to read, and it was read by someone who was not given permission to read it, and they soon found out why I attempted to conceal it.

When I say be fearless when you write, I don't necessarily mean don't be afraid to share it, which is why I made the suggestion to him to write one for fun. More specifically, to be fearless in thoughts, confessions, ideas etc. and write something that could even shock and terrify yourself.


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Spectaculorum procedere debet





:mushroom2: :beer:


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sprezzatura]
    #14293206 - 04/14/11 10:43 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Sprezzatura said:
I wont be harsh man, but I don't think she gave you a C because of the subject matter.




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★★


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: the human abstract]
    #14293213 - 04/14/11 10:45 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)



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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: the human abstract]
    #14293228 - 04/14/11 10:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Man, I always hear about these female teachers blowing and fucking little kids and the only thing I can think of is:

'Why the fuck didn't some slutty perverted bitch teach at my school and suck my dick in detention when I was a kid?!!!!!!'


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Spectaculorum procedere debet





:mushroom2: :beer:


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: the human abstract]
    #14293236 - 04/14/11 10:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I know this has been said, but im going to reiterate....

DONT BE WORDY

It cannot be stressed enough.  Don't try to use big sentence formats because you dont know them yet.  It will take time, but you become familiar in your mind with what "might" sound awkward to readers.  Ive been trying to reduce my "wordyness" for two years, and Im still not great at it....

You need to take a class where the teacher challenges you, because a C on that paper is unacceptable...

Thats how it was in my school as well, but when I got to college everything changed.  With the right teacher you will get an F writing a paper with that many problems.


Edit: First phrases to eliminate: Intrestingly enough, in my opinion....phrases you think are intruducing a topic are actually reducing the sentences impact by being indirect...

Dont say "studies show"...say "This is what it is"...then show support.  You show the studies to them after you've introduced your point...

I'm just reiterating what my. talented, essay writing, friend tells me.  She hates reading my essays for their "wordyness"...



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Edited by Kanos (04/14/11 10:56 PM)


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sprezzatura]
    #14293237 - 04/14/11 10:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

i know right. i would have railed the hell out of my calc teacher, my AP bio teacher, and my guidance counselor.

at the same time.

:homerdrool:

why couldnt they have been sluts?


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Sprezzatura]
    #14295128 - 04/15/11 11:31 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Sprezzatura said:
when I write essays the only audience I'm trying to convince is myself.




Bad advice, knowing your audience (and writing to suit them) is one of the more important points to writing.  If you write to yourself you write to a reader that needs no facilitation into the subject matter, leading to gaps in description when faced with an outside reader.
Always know who your audience is and write accordingly.


--------------------


With the exception of grammatical corrections, everything I say is completely false and without foundation.


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: Treefeeler]
    #14358206 - 04/26/11 10:14 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

awesome I'm really enjoying all this input you guys are throwing at me. :smile: I will be using this forum while writting essay's more often in hopes of raising my gpa. thanks again!


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Re: Age of Consent Essay for school [Re: liloldme]
    #14358441 - 04/26/11 10:40 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

yeah the ago of consent isn't 18 in all the states...in Colorado I can fuck a 16 year old legally


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