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Anonymous #1
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TrustYourSelf said: Getting back with a girl you broke up with almost always ends in regret.
I tried making the most difficult relationship of my life work time and time again. Each time i got hurt more and it ended worse. I think i have finally let go of her (its been a while and we don't talk at all. Online or anything).
Regret for breaking up initially or regret for getting back together again??
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TrustYourSelf
Stranger
Registered: 04/13/11
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Regret for breaking up initially or regret for getting back together again??
Getting back together. We both got addicted to coke for a minute.
I also winded up doing OCs again.
I did a bunch of stupid shit, it hurt so bad. The more you hold on the more it hurts. The sooner you let go the sooner you heal that shit up. Stop picking at it (my advice to anyone who isn't sure)!
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
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i just want to take her back. that seems like a bad idea for a few reasons but it feels right. but i'll probably regret it. how do you know what you're supposed to do when your heart is all mixed up?
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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TrustYourSelf
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14286940 - 04/13/11 09:48 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: i just want to take her back. that seems like a bad idea for a few reasons but it feels right. but i'll probably regret it. how do you know what you're supposed to do when your heart is all mixed up?
Fucked if i know.
Breaking up with her fucked with my head. She fucked with it good too. Kept telling me how "things would change" and how "i love you so much".
It was hard to be alone. Every minute after i broke up i wondered if it was right. What if "she was the one"? What if "i dont find love again"?
I finally did it and ignored my impulses to get back together. I wasn't happy at first i'll be honest. But as time passed i realized how much i sacrificed for her and how little she sacrificed for me. Our love wasn't like it was a the beginning it was running thin.
When you find someone who really treats you how you treat them you know what you were missing.
Would you be there for her in a time of need? Was she there for you in your time of need? It sucks when someone you love lets you down. How can you trust her to be there when you really need this chick? If you can't trust her is it worth it?
In my experience it hurts more the longer you hold on. But speaking from experience no matter who told me this I didn't listen. I kept holding on and taking the beating. Some people hold on longer than others. Eventually you can't bare it anymore.
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Sonny Cheeba
bumbarass



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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14287185 - 04/13/11 10:31 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: my plan is just to sort of find me again. i made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship in terms of my social life, and my life in general, and now i have to piece this shit back together. it hurts but i'm going to stay strong and get back to me again. i hope it (your happiness and well being) works out for you as well. why did you two split?
yeah i felt like i gotta find me again too... but i'm getting up there in years (28) when i started to think about how old i am i started to feel a bit of regret. but at the same time, i've been too busy to really go out and have fun like i normally used to. so we'll see who's pants in end up in. i think your approach is the one i'm going to take.
just talked to my ex for like 45 minutes, telling her how i felt. basically we're gonna stay friends, she definitely doesn't want to get back together until i get my shit together. she's got a house and all that crap, and i'm just finishing grad school and figuring out where to get a job. the uncertainty kills her.
i originally dumped her because i felt like we were too different, but i wasn't thinking rationally, we live in different cities currently and rarely spend time together. basically she took it as me not thinking she was as cool as my friends.
then she figured out that i wasn't right for her right now. so it was kinda mutual, but after seeing her i felt like a jackass.
we'll see what happens. i just don't want to hear about her getting buttfucked by some faggot with a proper job.
-------------------- welcome to the office of dr. octagon
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numonkei
Back! From thedigestive tractof dave theiguana!

Registered: 04/12/06
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Anonymous said:
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dummy said: well the saga continues.
she dumped me in noverember and takes me back in january. after months of good relationshiping i was suddenly reminded of how she dropped me in my time of need. i started probing her about that time of her life. she told always told me she just talked to this guy because he listened to her blah blah... today it finally comes out that they made out. i felt betrayed because whenever she confronted me i always told her straight up what was going on. i've told her really embarrassing shit for the sake of honesty in the relationship. lies are the thanks i get.
shes a good girl when times are good but when times are rough she's talking to the next guy. it hurts but what is a man to do? you live and you learn.
You dumped her because she "made out" with someone? I wish my ex made out with someone, she went and FUCKED another guy when we broke up......
Mine was fucking another and doing drugs I quit doing when we got serious, this happened for months, started right when we moved out to a strange town together, and was lied about even when I called her out. She was outed by someone she barely knew and I did not know.
In the end, the main problem was the lies and deception. In my opinion, the act itself is less than the way it is treated, (assuming you aren't being exposed to STD's or so in the process), and the lack of trust was the biggest problem.
The OP seems to have the same problem, which is irreconcilable. Right move made, almost certainly.
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i just want to take her back. that seems like a bad idea for a few reasons but it feels right. but i'll probably regret it. how do you know what you're supposed to do when your heart is all mixed up?
You NEED to make distance, keep it, and focus on yourself. See where you are in the future.
Whether or not you WILL do this is a different story, but folks rarely in the long run think sticking around was the right move in your situation.
~Monk
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: TTT]
#14290014 - 04/14/11 01:12 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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TTT said: Sounds like she deserves much better if she made out with someone while you guys were broken up and thats ground for dumping.
Yah, this is what I got out of the story as well, but I could have read extra stuff into it, I'll admit.
OP, did the makeout happen while you were broken up in that Nov-Jan timeframe?
Why did you probe around asking for information from her and then get all wiggy on her when she came clean and was honest?
It sounds like you were getting unhappy already when you started to probe around... Were you perhaps looking to break up with her, and probing for a reason to make it look like it's her fault it happened?
NOTE: I'm not condoning cheating of any fashion. Just clarifying the story and pointing out something you may wish to consider.
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
Edited by potgrrl (04/14/11 01:13 PM)
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14290035 - 04/14/11 01:17 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: i just want to take her back. that seems like a bad idea for a few reasons but it feels right. but i'll probably regret it. how do you know what you're supposed to do when your heart is all mixed up?
If you take her back, don't try to hold this makeout thing over her head anymore. (oh heck, is this even the OP I'm talking to? You guys, make your own threads LOL)
If you take her back, you forgive her for it, let her know you're not cool with cheating (she'll likely agree, and expect the same of you of course) and it won't be accepted again, but that it's completely in the past and won't be used as ammo for future fights.
I trust you didn't do it SO THAT you could have something to hold over her head so she'd "behave". We all know a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a puppy dog
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
Edited by potgrrl (04/14/11 01:17 PM)
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
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Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290041 - 04/14/11 01:17 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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ya it happened when we were broken up. so sure she had every right to do what she did. but all the while we were broken up she was stringing me along tellling me she'd love to stay friends. i finally got tired of being her 'friend' so i stopped talking to her. a week after that we got back together.
what really upset me isn't the act of making out while broken up, but that she couldn't admit to me that she did that. i knew that she did something that she wasn't to proud of but she wasn't telling me. she was doing everything she knew how to so that i wouldn't find out. but in discussing the whole thing with her i noticed discontinuities in her stories. i find this all very frustrating and disrespectful because i've admitted some incredibly embarrassing things about myself to her when she asked, but she couldn't return the favor.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



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Posts: 641
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14290059 - 04/14/11 01:22 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: ya it happened when we were broken up. so sure she had every right to do what she did. but all the while we were broken up she was stringing me along tellling me she'd love to stay friends. i finally got tired of being her 'friend' so i stopped talking to her. a week after that we got back together.
what really upset me isn't the act of making out while broken up, but that she couldn't admit to me that she did that. i knew that she did something that she wasn't to proud of but she wasn't telling me. she was doing everything she knew how to so that i wouldn't find out. but in discussing the whole thing with her i noticed discontinuities in her stories. i find this all very frustrating and disrespectful because i've admitted some incredibly embarrassing things about myself to her when she asked, but she couldn't return the favor.
You were broken up, you deserved no such information about her private sexual life.
I do not tell my friends who I make out with - do you tell yours, really?
(creepy, don't expect THAT won't get around, discretion gets you way more nookie)
However, I do agree, trying to be "friends" after a breakup is a bad idea. I'm a big proponent of 6 months NO CONTACT if at all possible, and if you're in common circles, that includes ignoring each other completely and not hearing about each other's lives through friends. It cuts the emotional cords and allows the possibility of friendship later, and is very necessary.
It also generally means you've got to distract the heck out of yourself with new activities and new social groups. The bonus is that you make new friends, get in shape, and potentially meet someone new...
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
Edited by potgrrl (04/14/11 01:23 PM)
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290076 - 04/14/11 01:25 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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i really don't believe we were broken up. i don't think it counts as breaking up if you continue to talk every day, regardless of the bull shit picture like to paint about boundaries and such post break up. it would have been one thing had she actually called it quits on me and stopped talking, but she strung me along because she was using my ass.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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TrustYourSelf
Stranger
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290081 - 04/14/11 01:26 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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You can forgive. But you can't forget.
Even if you weren't together she sure found a new guy fast.
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
Posts: 3,973
Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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she probably knew him before she dumped me. i wasn't treating her well at the time so i don't blame her for leaving me. but at the time i was getting my self straightened out and she just bounced. i want to be able to say that she's always been there for me but it just isn't like that unfortunately.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
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TrustYourSelf said: You can forgive. But you can't forget.
Even if you weren't together she sure found a new guy fast.
Sad to say, but "get used to it".
There are so many guys with a Galahad syndrome (save the damsel in distress) that a woman rarely has to suffer her post-breakup period without someone "comforting" her.
You can get upset at her about it all you want, call her all the names in the book, but take a look around at all the guys so willing to swoop in after a breakup, and can you really be surprised?
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
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Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290126 - 04/14/11 01:36 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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no i know she's hot and can get whatever sort of dick she wants, but i guess it boils down to honestly and feelings of betrayal.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14290178 - 04/14/11 01:46 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: she probably knew him before she dumped me. i wasn't treating her well at the time so i don't blame her for leaving me. but at the time i was getting my self straightened out and she just bounced. i want to be able to say that she's always been there for me but it just isn't like that unfortunately.
Next time, if a girl hints they want to break up, give her what she wants, and be honest with yourself - you can't jump from loving her to just "liking" her, so tell her you can't be friends for a while because of that. Tell her if she really wants to break up then you'll need 6 months of No Contact so you can "reset all the buttons to 'friends' again".
After 6 months of no contact, meaning you also tell your friends to not tell you what's going on with her, you don't creep her FB page, you don't ask about her, you don't look her information up anywhere... you can re-assess whether you can truly be friends or not.
At that point, she may come back to you realizing she's missed you terribly and she made a big mistake and would like to be with you again. She may also have made out with the football team in the mean time, during that 6 months of No Contact.
This is all information you'll need to take in and process in order to decide whether to let her back into your life after 6 months of no contact.
It won't be easy, but it's WAY easier than letting this crap drag on for the next 3 or more years...
You might want to look up the concept of a "Girlfriend with a penis" in Google. Also look up the "ladder theory" and the terms "emotional tampon". This should give you some personal strength to say "no" to being "friends" with a girl you're actually in love with.
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14290189 - 04/14/11 01:48 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: no i know she's hot and can get whatever sort of dick she wants, but i guess it boils down to honestly and feelings of betrayal.
She said: Let's be friends. You said: Um, okay.
But, you felt like she was still your girlfriend - or, you felt like you still loved her more than "friends", right?
Why weren't you honest and up front with her about your feelings right then? Why did you lie and say you'd be "friends" when you clearly felt more than that?
Did you hope that by being friends you could convince her to be your girlfriend again?
I'm really not sure where the betrayal comes in, but I do see dishonesty on your side that preceeded the makeout session she told you about.
PS: Girls are smart, they can pick up on your "more than friends" vibe. It's either creepy or something that gets taken advantage of. This is why I recommend No Contact, it's to allow for the actual possibility of a friendship in the future, vs obliterating it with mistrust and jealousy by trying to be friends too soon.
-------------------- Everything is arbitrary. (me)
Edited by potgrrl (04/14/11 01:51 PM)
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290226 - 04/14/11 01:55 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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i was honest and upfront about my feelings. i never held my intentions back away from her. there was a very similar situation but almost completely flipped months prior to this in which i disclosed details i really didn't have to only because i was confronted. i feel betrayed because my honestly hasn't been returned.
up until all of this came up earlier this week, our relationship was going great. i was in class and the teacher said something which reminded me of it all. i realize we were broken up, but she still acted like we were dating minus sex. imo we weren't broken up until i made sure we stopped talking.
anyway, since it was going so well until i was reminded of what had happened, i'm wondering whether ending it now for good is the way to go. though i know life will be alright and just dandy if i never see her again, she really is good to me and knows me very well. on the other hand i don't want this shit to come up again in time... and i don't want to be lied to... but thats just something i'd have to accept if i want a relationship from her.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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potgrrl
Tripper Grrl



Registered: 01/14/10
Posts: 641
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: dummy]
#14290364 - 04/14/11 02:18 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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dummy said: i was honest and upfront about my feelings. i never held my intentions back away from her. there was a very similar situation but almost completely flipped months prior to this in which i disclosed details i really didn't have to only because i was confronted. i feel betrayed because my honestly hasn't been returned.
up until all of this came up earlier this week, our relationship was going great. i was in class and the teacher said something which reminded me of it all. i realize we were broken up, but she still acted like we were dating minus sex. imo we weren't broken up until i made sure we stopped talking.
That's YOUR opinion. She had told you that you two were just friends from her side, and you didn't accept it (don't tell me you kept buying her stuff and taking her out!). That doesn't mean she's wrong for treating you like a "friend" and enjoying the excitement of touching someone new.
It's good that you finally had the strength to end the "friendship", and interesting that you got back together after a week of no contact (I assume the sex resumed right away and is at its regular frequency), but I still don't see where she lead you on. I see you not respecting her wishes to back off to a non-exclusive relationship, and then getting mad that she took action from a point of not being exclusive to you.
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anyway, since it was going so well until i was reminded of what had happened, i'm wondering whether ending it now for good is the way to go. though i know life will be alright and just dandy if i never see her again, she really is good to me and knows me very well. on the other hand i don't want this shit to come up again in time... and i don't want to be lied to... but thats just something i'd have to accept if i want a relationship from her.
Again, are you looking to blame her for the fact that you want to break up? You were thinking of it anyway, why pin it on her "dishonesty"? Does it make you feel better to think it's not "your fault" that you two are splitting again?
I'm sorry to have to say it, man - I apologize for being harsh, but it's meant to shock you a little: If I were her friend, I'd recommend she ditch your ass and not think twice. You're behaving like a jealous ex-boyfriend and jealous ex-boyfriends are prone to physical violence. That's partly why we get a rebound guy - to keep the ex at bay while he's livid about being broken up with.
Edited by potgrrl (04/14/11 02:21 PM)
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dummy
I am you and what I see is me


Registered: 09/29/08
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Last seen: 1 year, 9 months
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Re: Dumped her... [Re: potgrrl]
#14290419 - 04/14/11 02:26 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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no you're right. its really easy to try to put the blame on her.
-------------------- People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.
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