Hey guys, so I have done extensive forum browsing and searching for the answer to my question but I've never found exactly what I wanted to hear so here goes: Basically I want to know if I should continue down the road of psychedelics or not. This is gonna be a long post because I have given this quite a bit of thought, and feel like tripping is a very deep experience that depends a lot on the person. bear with me. I have been a habitual weed smoker for over 2 years now and also binge drink on the weekends (college and all). I am going to a very good academic school and consider myself to be of well above average intelligence(Physics major). My family has a history of depression and anxiety, my dad takes anti-anxiety meds and has been for a while and my mom goes to regular counseling for depression and has taken anti-depressants for as long as I can remember, my granddad was also recently admitted to a mental hospital for depression. I don't take anything but have been to counseling maybe 10 times... When I was a kid my first girlfriend ended up attempting suicide and having to go to this mental hospital for many months and it basically tore me apart. Then when my rents got divorced I started seeing the counseling and I would say I take a generally dark view of the earth and would tell anyone who wanted to somehow visit that "this place f*&$@%& sucks". I also am kinda a habitual worrier and tend to way over-analyze situations and what people think of me. For example I have an asymmetric jaw line (one side is longer and it results in a crooked type face) and I constantly crack my jaw and pretty much obsessively try and "bend it so its straight"... People tell me I am good looking and they don't even notice it but I do every time I look in a mirror and its just one of the many things that nag me. Personality wise I am extremely nice and accepting of any person and their views, I would say no one hates or dislikes me because I don't do things that people dislike. I am very introverted and in the past have forced myself to "fully feel" my emotions and try to understand them. I enjoy deep personal conversations and trying to help my friends and family cope with their issues. Okay. Tripping. So my first trip I would definitely describe as a "bad trip". One day my best friend in high school got some bomb ass shrooms and begged me to try them with him. It was either junior or senior yr of high school, I don't quite remember. Well I wasn't rly sure I wanted to try them but he convinced me and we ended up splitting and eighth in his basement. I proceeded to absolutely hate the trip and just wanted it to end pretty much the whole time. Basically everything was moving and it was to much. I just wanted it to stop but could not make it, even when closing my eyes and whatnot. I barely remember it but I just remember I never wanted to try shrooms again. Then I rly got into blazing and have since rolled 4 or 5 times, smoked opium, snorted coke a few times, taken lots of speed for my exams, and done the aforementioned ganj and alcohol. About a month ago I tried lsd for the first time. My friend got me and my roommate 1.5 hits of some bomb stuff (tabs) and we ingested maybe around 1pm. It didn't kick in till 4 or maybe a little later when I ripped my friends bubbler, at which point I felt an instantaneous change in my mind. I basically had minimal visuals, nothing extreme and felt very, very strange and foreign. during "peaks" of the trip I would basically lose control of my mind and laugh uncontrollably. I saw the strangest ironies and twists in every day conversation and it opened my eyes to many things in my life that needed to change. it was overall a very deep and life changing experience. Two days ago I tripped for my second time on lsd. My same friend got a sugar cube that had been dipped in what he said was some of the best acid hes ever had (he's very experienced, 15 or 20 trips). He estimated the cube contained roughly 5 or 6 hits. Me and my same roommate split the cube around 1115 in the morning. We crushed it up and ate it, then went and grabbed some breakfast from the shitty ass dining hall right next to my dorm. At about 115 I was super giddy and feeling awesome, but didn't have any vishy's yet. It was 60 degrees out and super sunny and I was loving it. I met up with my friends and left my trip buddy to rip a bong. at around 210 I finally got to the bong and my mind was feeling all sorts of messed up. The ceiling is one of those perforated deals and at this point it was going nuts, looked like a bunch of little black worms all intertwining and merging with each other endlessly. The bong was a one foot roor with double perks and I ripped the shit hard maybe 5 or 6 times while chillin with some of my closest friends and watching trippy youtube videos. I was starting to trip hard but I had no idea. When we were walking down the stairs after the bong with no real destination in mind I got cornered in the stairwell by two of my boys and for some reason felt trapped and yelled "I need to get the FUCK out of here". they told me to chill and directed me back to my dorm. The walk back to my dorm I basically tried my hardest to keep my cool. I was starting to trip some balls and the 3 minute walk felt like 30. When I got back I asked my roommate what he thought and he seemed mostly sober, he said he was feeling it and slight visuals (i.e. the same ceiling phenomenon). For me basically everything was moving and during the peak of waves I was starting to become incoherent. I would say entire sentences and not have any idea what I said and I could in no way articulate my thoughts and feelings. I didn't want to freak my roommate out so I tried to mostly keep my cool. In my head I was continually thinking, "this wave will stop and you'll regain control soon, your okay" but the waves got increasingly stronger and stronger. Eventually it got real, real intense and I went to lay down in my bed, my roommate and another suite-mate were talking to me but I don't remember the conversation and mostly did not understand anything going on around me. I called my friend for advice how to deal with it but didn't tell him I was at the verge of complete loss of control and basically at this point I was scared as all hell and could not control my thoughts or tell which thoughts were mine and which were effects of the drug. He was driving and told me not to look at anything to visually intense and just chill, I said I would call him again if things got really bad. My suitemate started watching some visualizers on his laptop and I asked him to please only play songs with good vibes because anything bad or intense would have definitely been to much. At this point this is very reminiscent of my shroom trip. He asked if I wanted to watch and I said "no way man, I am watching a visualizer right now". At this point things were moving with extreme intensity, nothing wasn't breathing and I had extremely strong feelings (these are hard to describe) of my face distorting and stretching. It literally felt like my bones were being stretched similar to stretching a picture on a macbook or photoshop or something. and with that feeling the world and things I was watching would stretch as well. Keep in mind that all of these things are EXTREMELY strong and after the visualizer comment I proceeded to stare at the S and A of SARATOGA on the blanket hanging above my head for the next hour and a half without moving. A very good metaphor I use to describe the experience is that I am swimming in the middle of the ocean. Basically its water as far as I can see in every direction and the only thing I can do is keep my head above water and let the massive waves of the trip carry me around. Overall the experience was ridiculously frightening, but towards the end I got more and more comfortable with it. By the time I woke up the next morning (after walking around outside for a few hours and watching the sunset, as well as just chillin with my roommate). I felt pretty good about the experience and I had some very deep and therapeutic conversations with my roommate later in the night.
So basically during my trip I saw no colors or pyramids or things that other people have described as seeing. I also seemed to trip WAY harder than my roommate even though we took the same substance and amount. I never really felt content or happiness (except the initial phases when it was real strong), but mostly wanted it to end and was scared and wrestling to gain control and try to understand what I was thinking and what it meant.
Later in the night I blazed some more to try and relax and deal with the nausea I had been experiencing pretty much the entire time I was tripping (vishy's didn't stop till around 6 or 630). I felt good for about 20 minutes and then the waves of the trip got much stronger and harder to deal with. so basically smoking made me trip much, much harder, even though I have smoked countless times.
At this point I want to re-enter the world of lsd and try to conquer those fears and I see an entire world of beauty in front of me. How can I not experience these fears and feelings and have a good trip, or should I altogether avoid psychedelics in my future?
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Your psychedelic experiences so far seem like varying degrees of suck. Your family history, your emotional past and present, and your reaction to these drugs suggest that they are not for you at this point in time. I'd stay away until you find some inner peace on your own. Then might be a better time to indulge in these drugs. They tend to amplify what is going on in your head and then toss a random bunch of shit at you. It seems risky with where your head is at.
-------------------- Don't PM me with bullshit. I don't sell or trade cactus and I don't know where you can get any, other than your mother's ass.
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