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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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feeling empty all the time. rambling.
#14271276 - 04/11/11 09:20 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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For the past couple of years, I've always been a depressed girl that hated anything that walked- Up until I met a happy-go-lucky friend who talked me out of it.
He completely changed my world and encouraged me that I didn't have to be the way I was, and that happiness is a choice. I thought it was kind of gay/tacky, so I just stuck to being negative.
I went on an emo kick 2 weeks ago- I took lots of vicodin and xanax to numb myself and to forget about everything. I was really envious of happy people, people who found god, people who are spiritual, people who are happy, people who are optimistic... It got to me and I told myself that it didn't have to be this way.
The next day, I strolled around San Francisco and took the time to sort out my mind and think about everything. I thought about how my friend told me that life is too short, and that you have to put meaning and a purpose into it. I also thought about how some people live in the past... Which I realized I was doing, and it was probably the sole reason as to why I was such a negative bitch. I think that's a dangerous way to live... And most people live in the present. They go about their daily lives, follow a routine and for the most part a lot of them are happy, although some people have a feeling that their life is missing something and they can't figure out what it is.
I started to let go of the past and grudges that I held against people, which I feel A LOT better about. So now, I'm slowly becoming positive and appreciating the smallest things in life... Such as living and being able to experience life... And that the world is fucking beautiful. I have so many things to learn about myself, the world, and people.
But there is one thing that urks me... I feel like I don't really have feelings, you know? I can't point my finger on it. I feel like I can do more in life, but I don't know what. Should I stop letting it bother me since I'm still young.
At other times I feel like I should have a boyfriend or something. But that the same time, I feel like this feeling is a lot more convenient than being in love or pursuing a relationship. I have tried dating for fun and seriousness, but I couldn't get a sense of love to budge out of me. Sex doesn't help either, I've been slowly becoming less desirable of it.
Am I taking myself too seriously? Am I faking myself? Should I make more friends?
TLDR; Got myself out of a depressing rut, have a more positive mindset, and confused as to why I still feel empty.
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Edited by elliev (04/11/11 09:23 AM)
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Moronicus
smokehousebacon.



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14271390 - 04/11/11 09:43 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.
Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.
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BACON RANCH, FUCK YEAH A post about m00nshine Anonymous #6 said: Yes, it is. The shine stands for his job title, which is Shoe Shiner, the moon stands for the time he comes out to be a nigger, which is best suited for the negroid camouflage.
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Moronicus]
#14271511 - 04/11/11 10:10 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Moronicus said: Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.
Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.
I have been doing that (: (going out alone etc). I actually live with my parents, but I feel like I want to break free and live independently. But right now I ain't got $ or go to college yet.
And that friend of mine, he's actually an ex as of recently lol! Luckily we're both in the cool and yeah, we will be hanging out soon. I can't help but feel that sometimes I feel like it's a hassle to tell people what's going on in my life, or how I feel. But hey, sometimes people are willing to contribute to your happiness and life.
Thanks!
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Moronicus
smokehousebacon.



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14271531 - 04/11/11 10:16 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
elliev said:
Quote:
Moronicus said: Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.
Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.
I have been doing that (: (going out alone etc). I actually live with my parents, but I feel like I want to break free and live independently. But right now I ain't got $ or go to college yet.
And that friend of mine, he's actually an ex as of recently lol! Luckily we're both in the cool and yeah, we will be hanging out soon. I can't help but feel that sometimes I feel like it's a hassle to tell people what's going on in my life, or how I feel. But hey, sometimes people are willing to contribute to your happiness and life.
Thanks!
People go to me when I have problems, so I have a tendency to help. Shit, I even help myself sometimes. I'm like my own therapist and patient though. It's...well paradoxical. I can't help myself sometimes either.
Anyways, I think you should have a lifestyle change. Apply for college soon, apply for financial aid if you can't afford it, just don't fuck up cause you will literally pay for it.
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BACON RANCH, FUCK YEAH A post about m00nshine Anonymous #6 said: Yes, it is. The shine stands for his job title, which is Shoe Shiner, the moon stands for the time he comes out to be a nigger, which is best suited for the negroid camouflage.
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Kickle
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14272389 - 04/11/11 01:24 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Lots of people find very useful tools and very practical ways to approach the world in the teachings of the Buddha. No external deity or meaning required. But it can be very reassuring to know that someone else didn't follow the normal pattern of life and yet found something of extreme value in the process. Sounds up your alley to me, but that's just a guess.
When sex, material gain, and love do not inspire passions, perhaps a more holistic compassion is what takes over. IMO the Buddha's teachings offer a lot of insight into how not to be eaten alive by that compassion for life, when life is suffering.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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bigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Kickle]
#14272486 - 04/11/11 01:46 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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this may or may not be true for you, but in my experience when you have been depressed for so long being happy can feel weird and uncomfortable, maybe because it feels so new.
but at least you recognize you don't have to be this way. that's a good start, so to be where you want to be it may just take time.
and i suggest taking up mindfulness meditation which has benefits of all kinds.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14272907 - 04/11/11 03:08 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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@Moronicus I will be applying to college asap! Just waiting on my parental units to receive their tax return.
@Kickle
Really? I don't really believe in anything at the moment. In fact, I see religion as something that people create in their mind, only to have a sense of guidance, fate, and hapiness. It sounds really awkward to me. It's like... If you have beliefs in a "god", why not believe in yourself? Although I think I'm willing to look/be open minded into something that necessarily isn't a religion of a sort. I don't know how to explain.
Do you feel as if Buddhism is a religion?
@bigmike7104 YES!! I made a thread actually in the Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology forums, titled "sugarcoating vs being optimistic"... Because I felt like I was sugarcoating my negativity. It still feels so surreal to change positively, because I always felt like I was gonna be stuck in a rut. I still feel like this new slow positive change isn't "me", but I know deep down that it's the right way to think and be. And it'll probably teach me how to love myself, amongst other things. But... Being negative all my life took so much fucking energy, physically and mentally.
I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice, thanks so much. I'm looking forward to more responses or input!
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bigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14273083 - 04/11/11 03:43 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
I still feel like this new slow positive change isn't "me"
yea i know exactly how that feels, but you have to realize that it's a good thing to let go that part of that self and that it's okay to fear change. just don't let it hold you back.
Quote:
In fact, I see religion as something that people create in their mind, only to have a sense of guidance, fate, and hapiness
buddhism isn't a religion though, more like a philosophy and practice. in fact the buddha said
"Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”
also it's goal isn't to make you happy, more like learning to live in and have complete acceptance of the present moment.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Kickle
Wanderer



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14273117 - 04/11/11 03:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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The Buddha declared that there is no God and to accept nothing he teaches on faith. So, no, I wouldn't consider it a religion.
Once the Buddha had a follower approach him and say, "Buddha, I can no longer follow your teachings. You have told me nothing of death or the afterlife." The Buddha responded, "did I tell you I would teach you these things?" "No, you did not." "There is a reason for that. What is important is overcoming suffering. And what is making you ask about the afterlife, is suffering."
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14273174 - 04/11/11 04:00 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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thanks for clarifying it mike and kickle.
i'm still new to this, but the teaching is appealing to me...
Buddhism is Siddhartha Gautama's teaching? Is there actual proof that he existed? i'm doing some googling, heh. i hope i don't sound too stupid with these questions. ):
edit: now i feel kind of split in between. i'd feel like a hypocrite for disliking people who praise jesus.
as mike said along the lines of "learning to live in and have a complete acceptance of the present moment", it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.
jesus fucking christ i seem like im getting so bent out of shape over this.
Edited by elliev (04/11/11 04:20 PM)
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Kickle
Wanderer



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14273278 - 04/11/11 04:19 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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I only know a little bit about the history of the Buddha, but the major force of Buddhism, Mahayana and its offshoots such as Zen, all came into creation about 200 years after the time of the Buddha.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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moi
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14273346 - 04/11/11 04:27 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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elliev, your pro-activeness is an inspiration to me, thanks. really powerful posts, even though you still feel like you're struggling
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Kickle
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14273435 - 04/11/11 04:38 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
elliev said: it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.
lol yeah a certain degree of openness is required. No one knows it all, but listening to the information that passes down the line isn't a bad way of going about things IMO. As far as I can tell mankind hasn't really changed much over the course of history, and that's probably because our brain structure is the same as it ever was. The same emotions are pumping through our bodies now, as then.
So what I take from it, is the tools for examination that people swear by. I don't take the results of the tools on faith, but I do get curious why they think this examination does such magical feats. So I use primarily meditation with some yoga mixed in. It's broad in scope and requires no special talents to engage in. Plus, it's free. The only thing it costs me is time and the willingness to stop other activities.
And I've come to see it as one of the most valuable uses of time around.
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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bigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Kickle] 1
#14273519 - 04/11/11 04:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.
you don't need guidance, but to learn how to not get caught up in your thoughts and emotions which is what meditation is good for
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Kickle
Wanderer



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14273554 - 04/11/11 04:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14273560 - 04/11/11 04:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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@moi aww. <3 thanks. that means alot.
kickle and mike, hahaha yeah... it somewhat bothers me. it doesn't hurt to be open minded about this i suppose!
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14275723 - 04/11/11 11:34 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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stop taking life so seriously 
it's temporary, and that's why it's so beautiful 
change is the only constant. and everything changes, except for the fact that everything changes
from this moment to the next. in the next moment this one will be gone. and there will be new thangs to experience then. and this will go on for as long as time does
it's the cosmic joke, y'know. just play along. and have fun
all you experience throughout your life is what you choose to attach your attention to, and that will amplify your experience.
there can be a hundred people chatting away in a single room, yet you can still have a conversation with a single person. you just filter everything else out naturally
it works this way with everything else too. your sight, sound, feelings, emotions, thoughts etc..
everything you experience
they're all just symbols auditioning for your awareness. and you feel as though you're drawn to them, but it is really U who is choosing to focus on them
that's the play of life. it's the reason you're having an experience here.
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14275762 - 04/11/11 11:46 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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i do know that life is temporary <3 i'm actually planning to get that word tattoo'd on my left wrist. i can't decide what font ~___~

Quote:
from this moment to the next. in the next moment this one will be gone. and there will be new thangs to experience then. and this will go on for as long as time does
i know that tomorrow i'll be better than i am today. and i'll be even better the day after that. <3 that's why i kinda dislike everything that i do, because by the time I've finished working on something, I know I've already learned more and grown and become a better person than when i started working on that thing. does that make sense?
and i figured it's difficult to be so hard on yourself all the time. so when I have the support of other people who can tell me that the things i do are good, that makes everything so much easier. i will never let myself think anything i do is good, but that means it's very important to me to hear from other people that the things i've done are good. and that's a big weakness for me! since i won't let myself be happy with anything i do, i am dependent on other people liking me and loving me in order to feel good about the things i've already done.
we are both dreamers and failures at the same time. our expectations and goals are so high we can never hope to reach them~
and yes, i realized i completely rambled 
p.s thanks <3
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14275792 - 04/11/11 11:52 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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the only life youre living is your own. so why feel the need for recognition from others if the only one putting any value on anything in your life is yourself?
sure others may say you're doin' something good or bad but it is ultimately U who makes the final clarification
Quote:
our expectations and goals are so high we can never hope to reach them~
there's no way to predict the future. so expectations only act as a limitation
"I will be happy IF..." "I will be happy WHEN..."
why not just be happy because you can?
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
Edited by Envix (04/11/11 11:56 PM)
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14275825 - 04/12/11 12:04 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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y u do mindfuck on me
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14275916 - 04/12/11 12:22 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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its not so mindfucky once u wrap ur brains around it
wouldn't life be boring if everything worked out exactly as u expected it to?
the most exciting thangs in life are the thangs that happen unexpectedly!
those are called Jamais vu (the opposite of deja vu)
anyways jus go w/ the flow. theres no need for expectations
in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14279325 - 04/12/11 05:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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c'est vrais envix
shit sucks cause i can't really relate to anyone in real life, other than my ONE positive friend
i told my sister i was considering lookin inta Buddhism, all she did was snarl at me and tell me it was fake/false. lol. fucking christians.
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Kickle
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14279578 - 04/12/11 06:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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You should give her the book Denial of Death by Ernest Becker... Btw I'm just kidding, that would likely be cruel. Except that she probably would never read it...
-------------------- Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain
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Raw
Muslim



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14279779 - 04/12/11 07:28 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Raw
Muslim



Registered: 03/23/10
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Raw]
#14279837 - 04/12/11 07:38 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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So I take it you have Asian parents and you don't live up to their expectations and you are taking it out on yourself.
Hmmmm.. Maybe I'm talking about myself.
anyways... Yeah, I dunno... I feel I'd get along with you.
But ehhh... oh well. Maybe move out and be yourself. Get in a fight with your folks, storm out, grow weed and shrooms for 10 years, look back and say fuck it.
I know you have thought about it but that isn't gonna happen unless you face your demons. You have to start living your own life. don't live someone elses. That is why you are pissed. And a lot of people are... Do what you aspire to not your baby boomer parents. I'm talking to myself before anyone else...
~Raw
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Raw]
#14280143 - 04/12/11 08:15 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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eh being on your own is cool but you gotta learn to be creative with your life or else you get bored
i'm still workin' on that
i got a laptop, a tennis ball, some big speakers, and a window that leads onto the roof of the nxt building that i can go out & chill on
annnnd a cat.
that's basically been the highlight of my life ATM
glad it's finally gettin warmer out tho so i can finally go outside without the breeze turning my skin into sandpaper. winter sucks ballz having to stagnate in my tiny room for months playing w/ my fingers
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14280240 - 04/12/11 08:29 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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raw, yeah my parents are asian hahaha. it does kind of suck because they think so highly of my eldest sibling! but my parents know im very different compared to her, so i can't really change that.
i'd really, really like to be on my own! but i mentioned in one of my posts that i don't have the money, really. .. otherwise i'd totally move out in a heart beat.
i do go out often every week and go up and about in san francisco (my favorite place ever) alone. i love the city so much, and the lifestyles that people live in over there.
i went to panhandle/golden gate park with a friend on saturday. i saw all these young people just enjoying the fuck out of themselves. it looked like they didn't really give a shit where they were going, and didn't have a care in the world. i was kind of envious!
agh cats envix. seriously? ;_; whatev because i've only ever met ONE lovely cat who wasn't a complete asshole.
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14280366 - 04/12/11 08:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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my cats not a asshole hes awesome he comes to me whenever i call him and never uses his claws when we play fisticuffs

i dont have any money either i dont even have a job that's why i'm in school the financial aid i get has been enough to cover all my expenses and rent & food and everythang its 
still though theres not much to do around here. there's like a a gas station and a couple headshops and thats about it
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14280398 - 04/12/11 08:55 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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a challenger appears
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akira_akuma
Φύσις κρύπτεσθαι ὕψιστος φιλεῖ


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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14288150 - 04/14/11 01:51 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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elliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14300781 - 04/16/11 12:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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more emo rambling..
i really want to go to college and move out. fucking blows how money is everything.
being home is kind of depressing. i cant really go to college because my family isnt stable financially, i tried to talk to my parents about it but theyre really negative about it and keep telling me to wait... i turn 20 in june. almost everyone i know is in their early 20's and almost finished with college.
they're still paying off my sister's UC college shit as well (she's graduated in july) i dont really have friends to bum a house from either.
i told my parents i'd take out loans and pay it off myself if i ever get a fucking job. all they told me is that i don't understand. i really want to move out and be independent.
life is a journey and i'd like to experience more of it on my own. my parents have never really respected my mindset.
jesus fucking christ lol. how does one move out with... no money. ):
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14300904 - 04/16/11 01:17 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
i told my parents i'd take out loans and pay it off myself if i ever get a fucking job. all they told me is that i don't understand
i don't see what's not to understand, as long as you don't take out too much where it will be hard to pay back when you graduate.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Shroomism
Space Travellin



Registered: 02/13/00
Posts: 66,015
Loc: 9th Dimension
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14301044 - 04/16/11 01:32 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Bruce Lee once said...
Quote:
Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.
Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.
All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.
Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successfull personality and duplicate it.
As you think, so shall you become.
Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential.
I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.
I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine.
If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.
If you love life, don't waste time, for time is what life is made up of.
If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done.
It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.
Knowledge will give you power, but character respect.
If you want to learn to swim jump into the water. On dry land no frame of mind is ever going to help you
Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.
using no way as a way, using no limitations as a limitation.
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14301179 - 04/16/11 01:54 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
bigmike7104 said:
Quote:
i told my parents i'd take out loans and pay it off myself if i ever get a fucking job. all they told me is that i don't understand
i don't see what's not to understand, as long as you don't take out too much where it will be hard to pay back when you graduate.
strict ass asian parents. lol. they think im hell-sent for not being an aspiring __insert__, and for doing drugs lol. probably understandable since i still live under their roof, but i don't do it everyday and i do it... moderately?
student loans are so god damn fucking awful in the states.
@Shroomism ;d bruce lee is a wise man. i did not know that, if that was legit
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14301238 - 04/16/11 02:03 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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you can't get financial aid or anything? i get like 2grand a semester not counting all the tuition/school fees it covers
but i dont have parents so i get like the highest aid possible in nys
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14301256 - 04/16/11 02:07 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Envix said: you can't get financial aid or anything? i get like 2grand a semester not counting the tuition it pays for
but i dont have parents so i get like the highest aid possible in nys
i'm not sure how much i'd be able to get out of it cuz parents got bad credit n shit as of last/this year, apparently. was thinking to find a job, save $, move out and say c u mom and dad ilu tho. and move on from there to deal w/ school n stuff on my own. so much fuckin $.
you live in NY? ;__; so lucky. dream city for me.
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14301262 - 04/16/11 02:08 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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there's more than 1 city in nys u know.
and no i dont live in that one
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14301311 - 04/16/11 02:13 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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lmao im soz
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Buckthorn
Stranger

Registered: 07/25/08
Posts: 4,561
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14303967 - 04/16/11 11:28 PM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Don't rely on anyone, become totally dependent on your self for your happiness
Let go of anyone who's holding you back from achieving your goals and following your dreams.
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Buckthorn]
#14304077 - 04/17/11 12:01 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Enpo, reminds me of this
"if you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"
meh. what you said is true, so is the quote i mentioned above.
i feel blocked off, you know?
also, my parents totally think that i'm just day dreaming and going against them. fuckinglol that im 19 and turning 20 in june. ): i still feel like i'm 15 being in this house.
i feel really pathetic for complaining and being nineteen. no job. no school. no money. i don't really know where to start :c
i don't really have friends to talk about this shit to, cause i hate bringing on emotional baggage. i'd like ta visit a shrink again as well, but it's tiring to hear them say that i need anti-depressants. lol.
SUCH AS LIFE~ and i guess that's what i get for being asian. dohohoh.
Edited by elliev (04/17/11 12:05 AM)
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14304085 - 04/17/11 12:05 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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what is it you want to do?
or what do you want to be happening that isnt happening already
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
Edited by Envix (04/17/11 12:06 AM)
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Big Worm
Perf



Registered: 04/20/09
Posts: 7,642
Last seen: 3 years, 9 months
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14304114 - 04/17/11 12:15 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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elllev
You and I are in a similar position. I feel held back from living with my mom, and I've had a gloomy outlook on life for the past year or so but.......
I just found out I have to move out by the end of June because my mom and sister are moving to florida, I could go but I would rather go to school and live on my own, because if I moved there I would live with my mom, my sister and her four kids.
So now I have to make some money because I have like 25 dollars to my name and need to find out where i'm going to live in a couple months.
It's kind of exciting, because I know everything is going to work out, as it will for you too 
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14304121 - 04/17/11 12:17 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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things that i want to do?
move out to a decent city (love, love san francisco. i go there alot) where having a car isn't really needed; i don't mind the bus or riding a bike
don't care where i live. i'd be fine with an empty room and a bed
not give a shit about much
go to college/school
get a job to earn $ to get by life
multitask (anything)
be occupied/not be at home or future house or appt
live happy
walk the city (i live in a shitty town atm)
have friends that i can actually relate to
find a guy friend/find a partner in crime that i can share beds with, without worrying that he'd be a fucking creeper and touch me
go out and eat locally or fine dining
travel
meet someone/people with an entrepreneurial spirit
make my mark on the world
help people out/volunteer (family thinks its a waste of time)
go to the zoo for no reason
eat gelato every fucking week
get a macbook laptop just cuz
stay out all night
ride a bike everyday
meet someone who can hold a conversation
sorry i just rambled. everything is based off $. pisses me the fuck off and frustrates me
edit: i dont know if i mentioned this or not- i don't have much friends here. i was enrolled in independent studies when i was 15 (when i moved out of my hometown), i've been a loner most of my life up until i was 15. i had a boyfriend and a decent amount of friends, but that got cut off. i got really depressed and shit and started getting anxiety when i moved to a different city. meh. probably my fault. i should have stayed in a public school i guess.
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Edited by elliev (04/17/11 12:21 AM)
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14304128 - 04/17/11 12:20 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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thats a pretty long list
riiiighhht noww.... i want some icecream
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14304136 - 04/17/11 12:23 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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Quote:
Big Worm said: It's kind of exciting, because I know everything is going to work out, as it will for you too  
thanks! i'm hoping it will too. i know it will in the end! (: good luck to ya as well
Quote:
Envix said: thats a pretty long list
riiiighhht noww.... i want some icecream 

forgot to add that i'd like someone to do drugs with u_____u heh.. eh.. heh....
Edited by elliev (04/17/11 12:26 AM)
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14304163 - 04/17/11 12:31 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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me too. all anyone ever wants to do around here is get drunk but drinking makes me sleepy 
my nxtdoor neighboor is cool i smoked dmt w/ him out on the roof but i hardly ever see him any more hes always out having fun and im stuck inside with no friends
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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elliev
(ノ´∀`*)ノ

Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
#14304176 - 04/17/11 12:36 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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i don't like drinking with other ppl z__z
but when i do it (which is rarely) by myself, i do it wrong cuz i find myself puking in my bathroom???
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Envix
Avoidant Disorder



Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 18,206
Last seen: 9 months, 25 days
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
#14304190 - 04/17/11 12:42 AM (12 years, 9 months ago) |
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i think thats whats supposed to happen 
u must be doin' somethin right tho cuz at least youre able to make it to your bathroom
-------------------- smack a hoe out this dimension continue my ascension -bhad bhabie rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b
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