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Invisibleelliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
feeling empty all the time. rambling.
    #14271276 - 04/11/11 09:20 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

For the past couple of years, I've always been a depressed girl that hated anything that walked- Up until I met a happy-go-lucky friend who talked me out of it.

He completely changed my world and encouraged me that I didn't have to be the way I was, and that happiness is a choice. I thought it was kind of gay/tacky, so I just stuck to being negative.

I went on an emo kick 2 weeks ago- I took lots of vicodin and xanax to numb myself and to forget about everything. I was really envious of happy people, people who found god, people who are spiritual, people who are happy, people who are optimistic... It got to me and I told myself that it didn't have to be this way.

The next day, I strolled around San Francisco and took the time to sort out my mind and think about everything. I thought about how my friend told me that life is too short, and that you have to put meaning and a purpose into it. I also thought about how some people live in the past... Which I realized I was doing, and it was probably the sole reason as to why I was such a negative bitch. I think that's a dangerous way to live... And most people live in the present. They go about their daily lives, follow a routine and for the most part a lot of them are happy, although some people have a feeling that their life is missing something and they can't figure out what it is.

I started to let go of the past and grudges that I held against people, which I feel A LOT better about. So now, I'm slowly becoming positive and appreciating the smallest things in life... Such as living and being able to experience life... And that the world is fucking beautiful. I have so many things to learn about myself, the world, and people.

But there is one thing that urks me... I feel like I don't really have feelings, you know? I can't point my finger on it. I feel like I can do more in life, but I don't know what. Should I stop letting it bother me since I'm still young.

At other times I feel like I should have a boyfriend or something. But that the same time, I feel like this feeling is a lot more convenient than being in love or pursuing a relationship. I have tried dating for fun and seriousness, but I couldn't get a sense of love to budge out of me. Sex doesn't help either, I've been slowly becoming less desirable of it.

Am I taking myself too seriously? Am I faking myself? Should I make more friends?

TLDR; Got myself out of a depressing rut, have a more positive mindset, and confused as to why I still feel empty.


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Edited by elliev (04/11/11 09:23 AM)


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OfflineMoronicus
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14271390 - 04/11/11 09:43 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.

Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.


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BACON RANCH, FUCK YEAH


A post about m00nshine

Anonymous #6 said:
Yes, it is. The shine stands for his job title, which is Shoe Shiner, the moon stands for the time he comes out to be a nigger, which is best suited for the negroid camouflage.


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Invisibleelliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Moronicus]
    #14271511 - 04/11/11 10:10 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

Moronicus said:
Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.

Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.




I have been doing that (: (going out alone etc). I actually live with my parents, but I feel like I want to break free and live independently. But right now I ain't got $ or go to college yet.

And that friend of mine, he's actually an ex as of recently lol! Luckily we're both in the cool and yeah, we will be hanging out soon.  I can't help but feel that sometimes I feel like it's a hassle to tell people what's going on in my life, or how I feel. But hey, sometimes people are willing to contribute to your happiness and life.

Thanks!


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OfflineMoronicus
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14271531 - 04/11/11 10:16 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

elliev said:
Quote:

Moronicus said:
Sounds like you need to go out a bit more and have some free time to yourself.

Hell, maybe hang out with this positive buddy of yours (not suggesting you date/fuck him), have a few talks about how you feel. Talking about your emotions or problems help. Also, It is a good thing you let go of all that shit in the past, it's a burden.




I have been doing that (: (going out alone etc). I actually live with my parents, but I feel like I want to break free and live independently. But right now I ain't got $ or go to college yet.

And that friend of mine, he's actually an ex as of recently lol! Luckily we're both in the cool and yeah, we will be hanging out soon.  I can't help but feel that sometimes I feel like it's a hassle to tell people what's going on in my life, or how I feel. But hey, sometimes people are willing to contribute to your happiness and life.

Thanks!



People go to me when I have problems, so I have a tendency to help. Shit, I even help myself sometimes. I'm like my own therapist and patient though. It's...well paradoxical. I can't help myself sometimes either.

Anyways, I think you should have a lifestyle change. Apply for college soon, apply for financial aid if you can't afford it, just don't fuck up cause you will literally pay for it.


--------------------


BACON RANCH, FUCK YEAH


A post about m00nshine

Anonymous #6 said:
Yes, it is. The shine stands for his job title, which is Shoe Shiner, the moon stands for the time he comes out to be a nigger, which is best suited for the negroid camouflage.


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OfflineKickleM
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14272389 - 04/11/11 01:24 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Lots of people find very useful tools and very practical ways to approach the world in the teachings of the Buddha. No external deity or meaning required. But it can be very reassuring to know that someone else didn't follow the normal pattern of life and yet found something of extreme value in the process. Sounds up your alley to me, but that's just a guess.

When sex, material gain, and love do not inspire passions, perhaps a more holistic compassion is what takes over. IMO the Buddha's teachings offer a lot of insight into how not to be eaten alive by that compassion for life, when life is suffering.


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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Invisiblebigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Kickle]
    #14272486 - 04/11/11 01:46 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

this may or may not be true for you, but in my experience when you have been depressed for so long being happy can feel weird and uncomfortable, maybe because it feels so new.

but at least you recognize you don't have to be this way. that's a good start, so to be where you want to be it may just take time.

and i suggest taking up mindfulness meditation which has benefits of all kinds.


--------------------
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines


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Invisibleelliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
Loc: bay area
Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
    #14272907 - 04/11/11 03:08 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

@Moronicus
I will be applying to college asap! Just waiting on my parental units to receive their tax return.

@Kickle

Really? I don't really believe in anything at the moment. In fact, I see religion as something that people create in their mind, only to have a sense of guidance, fate, and hapiness. It sounds really awkward to me. It's like... If you have beliefs in a "god", why not believe in yourself? Although I think I'm willing to look/be open minded into something that necessarily isn't a religion of a sort. I don't know how to explain.

Do you feel as if Buddhism is a religion?

@bigmike7104

YES!! I made a thread actually in the Philosophy, Sociology & Psychology forums, titled "sugarcoating vs being optimistic"... Because I felt like I was sugarcoating my negativity. It still feels so surreal to change positively, because I always felt like I was gonna be stuck in a rut.  I still feel like this new slow positive change isn't "me", but I know deep down that it's the right way to think and be. And it'll probably teach me how to love myself, amongst other things. But... Being negative all my life took so much fucking energy, physically and mentally.

I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice, thanks so much. :smile: I'm looking forward to more responses or input!


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Invisiblebigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14273083 - 04/11/11 03:43 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

I still feel like this new slow positive change isn't "me"




yea i know exactly how that feels, but you have to realize that it's a good thing to let go that part of that self and that it's okay to fear change. just don't let it hold you back.

Quote:

In fact, I see religion as something that people create in their mind, only to have a sense of guidance, fate, and hapiness





buddhism isn't a religion though,  more like a philosophy and practice. in fact the buddha said

"Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

also it's goal isn't to make you happy, more like learning to live in and have complete acceptance of the present moment.


--------------------
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines


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OfflineKickleM
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14273117 - 04/11/11 03:49 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

The Buddha declared that there is no God and to accept nothing he teaches on faith. So, no, I wouldn't consider it a religion.

Once the Buddha had a follower approach him and say,
"Buddha, I can no longer follow your teachings. You have told me nothing of death or the afterlife."
The Buddha responded, "did I tell you I would teach you these things?"
"No, you did not."
"There is a reason for that. What is important is overcoming suffering. And what is making you ask about the afterlife, is suffering."


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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Invisibleelliev
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
    #14273174 - 04/11/11 04:00 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

thanks for clarifying it mike and kickle.

i'm still new to this, but the teaching is appealing to me...

Buddhism is Siddhartha Gautama's teaching? Is there actual proof that he existed? i'm doing some googling, heh. i hope i don't sound too stupid with these questions. ):

edit: now i feel kind of split in between. i'd feel like a hypocrite for disliking people who praise jesus.

as mike said along the lines of "learning to live in and have a complete acceptance of the present moment", it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.

jesus fucking christ i seem like im getting so bent out of shape over this.


Edited by elliev (04/11/11 04:20 PM)


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OfflineKickleM
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14273278 - 04/11/11 04:19 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

I only know a little bit about the history of the Buddha, but the major force of Buddhism, Mahayana and its offshoots such as Zen, all came into creation about 200 years after the time of the Buddha.


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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Offlinemoi
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14273346 - 04/11/11 04:27 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

elliev, your pro-activeness is an inspiration to me, thanks. really powerful posts, even though you still feel like you're struggling :smile:


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OfflineKickleM
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14273435 - 04/11/11 04:38 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

elliev said:
it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.




lol yeah a certain degree of openness is required. No one knows it all, but listening to the information that passes down the line isn't a bad way of going about things IMO. As far as I can tell mankind hasn't really changed much over the course of history, and that's probably because our brain structure is the same as it ever was. The same emotions are pumping through our bodies now, as then.

So what I take from it, is the tools for examination that people swear by. I don't take the results of the tools on faith, but I do get curious why they think this examination does such magical feats. So I use primarily meditation with some yoga mixed in. It's broad in scope and requires no special talents to engage in. Plus, it's free. The only thing it costs me is time and the willingness to stop other activities.

And I've come to see it as one of the most valuable uses of time around.


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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Invisiblebigmike7104
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Kickle] * 1
    #14273519 - 04/11/11 04:50 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

Quote:

it makes me feel like i'd need guidance and that i don't believe in myself. i feel like i'd be giving into a god.. but as you guys said, it's just teachings.





you don't need guidance, but to learn how to not get caught up in your thoughts and emotions which is what meditation is good for


--------------------
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines


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OfflineKickleM
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
    #14273554 - 04/11/11 04:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

:thumbup:


--------------------
Why shouldn't the truth be stranger than fiction?
Fiction, after all, has to make sense. -- Mark Twain


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Invisibleelliev
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: bigmike7104]
    #14273560 - 04/11/11 04:56 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

@moi
aww. <3 thanks. that means alot.


kickle and mike, hahaha yeah... it somewhat bothers me. it doesn't hurt to be open minded about this i suppose!


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OfflineEnvix
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14275723 - 04/11/11 11:34 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

stop taking life so seriously :seriousbusiness:

it's temporary, and that's why it's so beautiful :sunny:

change is the only constant. and everything changes, except for the fact that everything changes

from this moment to the next. in the next moment this one will be gone. and there will be new thangs to experience then. and this will go on for as long as time does

it's the cosmic joke, y'know. just play along. and have fun



all you experience throughout your life is what you choose to attach your attention to, and that will amplify your experience.

there can be a hundred people chatting away in a single room, yet you can still have a conversation with a single person. you just filter everything else out naturally

it works this way with everything else too. your sight, sound, feelings, emotions, thoughts etc..

everything you experience

they're all just symbols auditioning for your awareness. and you feel as though you're drawn to them, but it is really U who is choosing to focus on them

that's the play of life. it's the reason you're having an experience here.


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b


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Invisibleelliev
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
    #14275762 - 04/11/11 11:46 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

i do know that life is temporary <3 i'm actually planning to get that word tattoo'd on my left wrist. i can't decide what font ~___~




Quote:

from this moment to the next. in the next moment this one will be gone. and there will be new thangs to experience then. and this will go on for as long as time does




i know that tomorrow i'll be better than i am today. and i'll be even better the day after that. <3 that's why i kinda dislike everything that i do, because by the time I've finished working on something, I know I've already learned more and grown and become a better person than when i started working on that thing. does that make sense?

and i figured it's difficult to be so hard on yourself all the time. so when I have the support of other people who can tell me that the things i do are good, that makes everything so much easier. i will never let myself think anything i do is good, but that means it's very important to me to hear from other people that the things i've done are good. and that's a big weakness for me! since i won't let myself be happy with anything i do, i am dependent on other people liking me and loving me in order to feel good about the things i've already done.

we are both dreamers and failures at the same time. our expectations and goals are so high we can never hope to reach them~

and yes, i realized i completely rambled  :hellokitty:

p.s thanks <3


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OfflineEnvix
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: elliev]
    #14275792 - 04/11/11 11:52 PM (12 years, 9 months ago)

the only life youre living is your own. so why feel the need for recognition from others if the only one putting any value on anything in your life is yourself?

sure others may say you're doin' something good or bad but it is ultimately U who makes the final clarification

Quote:

our expectations and goals are so high we can never hope to reach them~




there's no way to predict the future. so expectations only act as a limitation

"I will be happy IF..."
"I will be happy WHEN..."

why not just be happy because you can?


--------------------
smack a hoe out this dimension
continue my ascension
-bhad bhabie

rip. todcasil, acid sloth, st1llnox, zappaisgod, big worm (sketch), tim b


Edited by Envix (04/11/11 11:56 PM)


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Invisibleelliev
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Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 414
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Re: feeling empty all the time. rambling. [Re: Envix]
    #14275825 - 04/12/11 12:04 AM (12 years, 9 months ago)

y u do mindfuck on me :squirrelnut:


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