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Offlinekastour
Male


Registered: 04/05/11
Posts: 8
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Depression Over Feeling Like Nothing
    #14248694 - 04/06/11 05:13 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I've read a few threads like this and the shroomery seems like an amazing community.. I've posted a couple times but I guess this will be my first introduction really, and I hope to be a member of the community for a while. :smile:

When I was really little, like 4/5/6, around that time I had a lot of problems. I was a really shy, basically antisocial kid. I had no friends at school and I was scared to death to try and make any, because on the few times I tried to, I'd get made fun of, or something like that. When I was 8 I believe, a kid my age moved in 4 doors down from me. My mom wrote this letter with all of my interests, etc. on it, and sent me over to give it to him and be friends. His name is Cole, we talked that day and found out we liked a lot of the same things. After that day we literally hung out every day and did everything together, despite going to different schools.

I'm going to go back a bit for a sec, to say that my father left my mom when he found out she was pregnant. I never met him until I was 13, which in itself makes me feel pretty.. bad. On top of that, my mom would often get a boyfriend, and then decide to introduce him to me and my little sister. I would get really attached to almost all of her boyfriends because they were great guys, but she would leave them for some stupid reason like "he shaves his arms, legs, and everywhere. he's too clean." or things like that. Needless to say I've been left a lot in my life.

So not having a dad when I was 10, my mom signed me up for this "Big Brothers Big Sisters Program," where a volunteer would be paired up with you and be your "big brother/sister." We would go out once a week, his name was Adam. On the 1 year progress meeting he said that he wasn't going to talk to me anymore because he was too busy for me. I left crying saying it was my fault.

Now, when I was 14, I was with Cole on April 5th. We were only in Grade 9 and still were pretty small kids, and he got jumped by 5 Grade 12-ish guys. I ran but called him when I got away, because I figured that if I tried to do anything I'd get beat too, and I thought he'd understand that. But he decided he didn't want to be my friend after that. I was insanely depressed over him for about half a year, I stayed home instead of going to school, cut myself, and thought about suicide a lot, and almost did it one night. I still cry over him, but not as much. I do miss him a lot, though..

Now, earlier in 2010, I met this amazing girl. We started to really like each other in Late October/Early November, but I had always had a thing for her since we met in August. She's beautiful. She has this striking, long, curly brown hair, gorgeous big brown eyes, adorable freckles all over her face and arms, a sexy body, a pretty voice, and the best personality I've ever seen in a girl. She's genuinely cared about me since we met, even when we didn't know each other almost at all. She's so outgoing and.. I can't think of anything wrong with her. She used to drink, but she found out I don't date girls who drink or do drugs (Hypocritical, I know. Although I'm almost 8 weeks clean, I used to smoke a lot of weed and be a huge prescription drug guy.) after we started dating. I told her that I loved her too much and that it was okay if she did, but she stopped anyway, even though I told her not to. I expected her to dump me for "trying to control her." She's just so considerate and.. I don't know how to explain her sometimes. I've fallen in love with her since then, we're still dating of course. But we're kind of in a rough spot. A few weeks ago, I was a little mad at her because she was out until 1 AM the night before we were going to hang out. I don't mind her being out late or anything, but I got kind of worked up because when we hang out she wakes up at 5:30 AM and I thought she'd be really tired. She's been acting weird for about a week or two and at the end of last week I basically said I'm not stupid, something is up (She was denying it before) I know you wouldn't lie to me. And she told me that she sort of feels like she can't do what she wants because of that night and that me not trusting her bugs her. I do trust her, but I worry sometimes. Obviously I've been fucked over a lot in my life, and because of that I worry a lot. I do trust her, but I worry sometimes. A lot of people I've told this to don't really get it, but (In my opinion) there's a difference between trust and worry. I trust her to go to a party and not cheat on me, but there's still that little bit down inside of me that worries no matter what. A few nights ago she said she doesn't love me as much, and she doesn't know why. I've been trying so hard to get her to fall back in love with me, and it seems to be working a little bit. By that I mean just one thing that happened yesterday. Before all this acting weird, she used to do the ":)" face on msn with more than one ), like :smile:)). She said that nobody except me had ever made her so happy that she did that. Needless to say she stopped that when she was acting weird, but yesterday she used an extra ). I got pretty excited over it, I know it sounds stupid.. But to me, it's progress. I just hope I can keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing. She's the only thing that is keeping me living right now. Before we started dating, I was really close to suicide. And when I found out we could break up, I thought about it, and basically figured that it's either suicide, or watch my life go down the drain.

Those are just the major things in my life that are making me feel like this.. I'm just posting to see if anyone that's been through this or just wants to help can give me some advice with what to do with myself.. Thanks guys. Sorry for so much text.

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OfflineXUL
OTD Janitor
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Registered: 03/16/05
Posts: 28,261
Loc: America Flag
Last seen: 4 years, 3 months
Re: Depression Over Feeling Like Nothing [Re: kastour]
    #14250678 - 04/06/11 11:22 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

First. Dood! Just let me tell you one thing. That last paragraph was extremely hard to read. Please space it out a little more in the future.

Second. Damn it. I wish I met you in the pub for an introduction. I like to make all the new members feel weirded out by being creepy! lol! Oh well...


Ok. You sound like you had some of the problems I had.

Pestering a girl about going out with her friends or whatever is definatly a no no. I understand how you feel, I really do. I had something happen to me that was nearly the same thing. The way we dealt with it was that we promised to call eachother every night before bed. Even if it was late. And we did. Or at least a text.


About the smiley faces. Heh... I know what you mean about this. For me it was hearing 'I love you' before we hung up phones over a long distant relationship. Let me tell you from experience man. You have to give that obsessive thinking up. You can not let small things eat away at your relationship or your mind. Just relax.... She is probably doing that on purpose to let you know she is feeling frustrated. So make it up to her!

Here is what I would do. I am a romantic so try to stay with me. lol! :laugh:

First. JUST CHILL. Dont pester her. Give her a week and tell her to go out with her friends and have fun. Keep in touch only enough to let her know you care.

At the end of the week you tell her you prepared something special for her and you will need her time for an evening. Thats when you can really make a change. You prepare a candle lit course meal including steak! Just enjoy the dinner, talk, and laugh with eachother. After that is done sit down together with a movie she likes. Get some rasberries and feed them to eachother!! When you are in bed and ready for sleep, tell her that you understand that you invaded her space and that you feel bad. Tell her that you truly love her and you will not make that same mistake again. But only say it if you mean it. Then give her a kiss and pull her in close.

Im telling you this from experience. If you pester her and invade her space frequently then you will end up like me. Having lost the love of your life.

Just chill man. You got this!!:laugh:


--------------------
TRUMP 2020

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Offlinekastour
Male


Registered: 04/05/11
Posts: 8
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Last seen: 12 years, 10 months
Re: Depression Over Feeling Like Nothing [Re: XUL]
    #14253163 - 04/07/11 01:29 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Thanks a lot. I'm sorry about the last paragraph, I kinda lost in it. I was trying not to make a wall of text, but I guess I did anyway. :p and about the pub, at first I was just browsing the forums one by one and I made a couple posts by the time I got to the pub, so I just brushed it off. Whoops!

That sounds like a good idea. She does live an hour away, so I think I'll just do what you said and make the next time she comes by really special for her. It's been bugging me non stop but it's great to hear someone tell me I've got this, because I honestly haven't told anyone about it, so putting that along with the fact that progress is almost unnoticeable, I never had much reason to think that I did have it. I guess it won't bug me as much anymore. Thanks so much. :smile:

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