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OfflineXUL
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My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person
    #14241456 - 04/05/11 11:48 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

This morning my dad was in one of his moods. I typically wear a hoody every day around my house and I put my hood up over my head. I also have kept my room a pretty messy because lately I just dont care. This morning he freaked out and told me that I need to clean my room because its not respectful to myself. He said I need to take off my hood. He was questioning why I wear a hood. He kept asking if I was mentally sick....  I never answered his questions because its ridiculous to me.

I wear my hood because I have no privacy in this house. I want to wake up, not be talked to, not have to answer to anybody, and just do my thing. I cant do that here so I compensate by wearing a hood and headphones and zoning out of their bitter judgmental lives. I currently keep my room messy because I am 25 and if I choose to live that way then I should be able to. He seems to forget that I moved here because he ASKED me to. I told him that. I told him I could have stayed in my old place and lived in peace. He said... NO NO NO you would be in jail by now.  ?.........:confused:

(He thinks because I used to smoke weed and because all my friends smoke weed that I would surely be arrested)

Sometimes I think he has started to understand and he will leave me alone. Then out of nowhere he comes at me with this garbage. He also seems to forget that when my mother left him that this place turned into a dump. Now he has a girlfriend (who I dont like) who keeps it clean for him. :mad2:

Is it so much to ask to live in peace? Whats so wrong with wearing a hood in my own home? Or keeping my room messy? I am an adult and when I am ready to keep my room clean I will. People go through strange phases and this is mine.

For some reason I always am affected by what he says to me too. If anyone else in the world told me I needed to clean my room and take my hood down I wold simply tell them to fuck off. With my father I dont comply to his demands and usually when he gives me shit I just develop low self esteem which is a shitty thing. Its actually been like that since I was a child. Every time he yelled at me I would feel terrible about myself.:sad:

Now im wearing my hoody, he is in the other room, and I am praying that he leaves me the hell alone. I just want peace......

Ah...

Edited by XUL (04/05/11 11:51 AM)

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OfflineWScott
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: XUL]
    #14241570 - 04/05/11 12:09 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

XUL said:
I am an adult and when I am ready to keep my room clean I will.




" :blewmeanie: "

A clean room is :feelsgoodman: though, I think you should clean it for yourself
and you are your father's son.. he is likely genuinely concerned about you, even if it is expressed in other capacities. Try to imagine how you would feel if you were your own son, how do you think you'd react toward the situation?


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OfflineMycjunky
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: XUL]
    #14241588 - 04/05/11 12:14 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I had parents that often overreacted similar to this. Living with them was hell. Even when I moved in with them for a couple weeks while I found a new place it was terrible. I have an awesome relationship with my parents when I don't live with them but living with them just doesn't work. If it really bothers you I would simply move out. Personally I spend a lot more time with my parents after moving out then when I live with them because when I lived with them it seemed like they went out of there way to complain about anything I was doing they could find.

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OfflineXUL
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: WScott]
    #14241589 - 04/05/11 12:14 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I get that I really do. I would probably be concerned. Our relationship has not been a typical one though. We dont really talk much and I have lived at boarding schools since 9th grade. I have always had my privacy and now I dont. I have a big tax return comming back. I am supposed to put the money on my loans but maybe I should take some and move away. I think we might both be alot happier. Visits seem to be the best thing. Small visits.

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OfflineBeanhead
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: XUL]
    #14242885 - 04/05/11 04:45 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

daddy's home, daddy's rules, daddy's whining.

same situation here, I compensate with just being at home when I have to eat and sleep.

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OfflineSpooge
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: XUL]
    #14243679 - 04/05/11 07:00 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I just want to forewarn that I'm not trying to be rude.  Just some constructive criticism.

Quote:

I also have kept my room a pretty messy because lately I just dont care




Why don't you care? Was is pretty clean at other points before now?  Maybe this shows a change...a change your dad notices.  Maybe he's concerned about you being depressed or whatever.

Quote:

I wear my hood because I have no privacy in this house. I want to wake up, not be talked to, not have to answer to anybody, and just do my thing




Not to be mean, but this doesn't sound like typical 25 year old man behaviour.  Hiding under a hood and headphones while you walk around the house.  Not wanting to interact or talk with people in your own house seems bizarre to me.  Even though your dad offered and pleaded for you to come home, it was still you who choose to be there.  I would question why you hide behind a hood over your head too if I was him.  I think it's a legitimate thing for him to ask you about.  Why not sit down with him, take the hood off and talk about things.  Tell him why you are doing these things.  Tell him that you feel you have no privacy and that if he can give you some privacy, you'll stop walking around with your hoody barrier.

Quote:

Is it so much to ask to live in peace? Whats so wrong with wearing a hood in my own home? Or keeping my room messy? I am an adult and when I am ready to keep my room clean I will. People go through strange phases and this is mine.


 

There is never true peace with roomates.  If you desire it to such a degree, move out.  You always have a choice.  Your dad wants some social interaction from his adult son.  I don't think it's to much to ask.  As a parent, I could definetely understand dealing with "phases" while they are going through puberty.  I did very similar stuff as well.  I would spend the majority of my time in the room because I hated the idea of going out into the rest of the house to be confronted potentially.  I wore the hoody too.  That phase happened when I was 13 or 14 though.  If I was a father and still had my son living at home at 25 and I noticed him going through a phase like you are...I'd be concerned too.

I can understand how you are feeling.  But I can't relate as well as I'd like to because it's been so long since I've been in your position.  I think communication is key.  And don't be overly selfish with your "wants" and "needs".  Think about the other people in the house and what they may want or need too. 

I think it's best to sit down and have a talk with your dad about things.

Good luck :thumbup:

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Offlineplustax
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: Spooge]
    #14244608 - 04/05/11 09:29 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

move the fuck out bro. Also talk to your dad. He's probably not that big of an asshole.

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Offlineshroomie_glen
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: plustax] * 1
    #14244659 - 04/05/11 09:35 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Dude, I think you just need to assert your dominance Greco-Roman style.  Next time he bitches you out, threaten to kick his ass while incessantly referring to him as "old man".
Maybe he just needs to be beotch slapped a few times to get the point.
Or you could just move out of HIS house if you dont like his outrageous and grievous list of demands, like talk to him a few times a week and keep your room clean.

Failure to launch?


--------------------

No. No, man. Shit, no man.  I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' somethin' like that man.

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Offlinedshow
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: shroomie_glen]
    #14245134 - 04/05/11 10:36 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

In your best true interest. When you feel like you can possibly even semi support yourself. When they say shit, you ask for a personal man to man or man to man whatever your parents are. And you have an eye to eye talk and talk as most professional adult talk you ever have done lol.

but shit seriously.. One generation is not like the next generation. ok?

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Invisiblesleepy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: dshow]
    #14245702 - 04/06/11 12:58 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)



my parents were like this.  my suggestion is to move out.  he's just afraid of himself.  its all projecting

Edited by sleepy (04/06/11 01:17 AM)

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Offlineskatealex2
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: sleepy]
    #14246875 - 04/06/11 11:03 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

yea, my mom likes to bitch at everyone sometimes and project her problems elsewhere..........

how i got her to stop?    by conditioning, i just ignore her when she's in bitchy mode :shrug:

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InvisibleMe_Roy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: skatealex2]
    #14246897 - 04/06/11 11:11 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I wouldn't want to live with someone who walks around the house with a hood over his head and headphones on. I wouldn't care if it was my father, my brother, a friend, or my son. I would it intensely disturbing to share my space with an an asocial druid.

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OfflineJoe Joe
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: Me_Roy]
    #14247122 - 04/06/11 12:06 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I can sympathize with Me_Roy and your pops for being bothered by someone in the house who does not want participate because I have felt that way with roommates (they were good friends too) who were not present.

HOWEVER, I came to realize that other people are dealing with their own shit and my desire to have a social interaction with them does not figure into their reality.  Once I came to realize that trying to impose my need for interaction on my roommate was the problem, I got over it and we lived in harmony.

My guess is that like Me_Roy and I, your pops is uncomfortable living with someone who is not intimately intertwined in his own day to day life.  The best thing you can do is explain to him how you feel and hope that he gets it like I did eventually. 


Ask your pops this: 

"Maybe I am depressed, wouldn't you be if you were living with YOUR father now?  Would you want to hang out with your father all the time and not have your own place to get away?"
 
Then explain to him that you love and appreciate him, but his nagging is only making things worse and that you would appreciate it if he would let you do your thing and let you decide when you want to interact with him.

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OfflineXUL
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: Spooge]
    #14247199 - 04/06/11 12:26 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

ZoooftheMoon said:
I just want to forewarn that I'm not trying to be rude.  Just some constructive criticism.

Quote:

I also have kept my room a pretty messy because lately I just dont care




Why don't you care? Was is pretty clean at other points before now?  Maybe this shows a change...a change your dad notices.  Maybe he's concerned about you being depressed or whatever.

Quote:

I wear my hood because I have no privacy in this house. I want to wake up, not be talked to, not have to answer to anybody, and just do my thing




Not to be mean, but this doesn't sound like typical 25 year old man behaviour.  Hiding under a hood and headphones while you walk around the house.  Not wanting to interact or talk with people in your own house seems bizarre to me.  Even though your dad offered and pleaded for you to come home, it was still you who choose to be there.  I would question why you hide behind a hood over your head too if I was him.  I think it's a legitimate thing for him to ask you about.  Why not sit down with him, take the hood off and talk about things.  Tell him why you are doing these things.  Tell him that you feel you have no privacy and that if he can give you some privacy, you'll stop walking around with your hoody barrier.

Quote:

Is it so much to ask to live in peace? Whats so wrong with wearing a hood in my own home? Or keeping my room messy? I am an adult and when I am ready to keep my room clean I will. People go through strange phases and this is mine.


 

There is never true peace with roomates.  If you desire it to such a degree, move out.  You always have a choice.  Your dad wants some social interaction from his adult son.  I don't think it's to much to ask.  As a parent, I could definetely understand dealing with "phases" while they are going through puberty.  I did very similar stuff as well.  I would spend the majority of my time in the room because I hated the idea of going out into the rest of the house to be confronted potentially.  I wore the hoody too.  That phase happened when I was 13 or 14 though.  If I was a father and still had my son living at home at 25 and I noticed him going through a phase like you are...I'd be concerned too.

I can understand how you are feeling.  But I can't relate as well as I'd like to because it's been so long since I've been in your position.  I think communication is key.  And don't be overly selfish with your "wants" and "needs".  Think about the other people in the house and what they may want or need too. 

I think it's best to sit down and have a talk with your dad about things.

Good luck :thumbup:





I used to be clean as hell in college. I typically am extremely neat and clean when I have my own place to clean. When im at home I just dont see a point in cleaning much because its not like im bringing my friends and girl back here to hang out.

I think I hide behind my hood because I dont like my dad. I love him, I dont hate him, but we are not friends and I dont enjoy his company too often because he is seemingly bi-polar. Its nice to be around him when he is happy! I really enjoy his company when things are well. But its never consistent and so I have a sort of dislike for my father.

I think it all boils down to moving away. When I am financially stable and have my own place then he will not have to say a word and maybe we can become friends.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

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Invisiblesleepy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: XUL]
    #14247318 - 04/06/11 12:58 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

what's so disturbing about a hood and headphones?

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InvisibleMe_Roy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: sleepy]
    #14247760 - 04/06/11 02:34 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Hey XUL (and everyone else).  Sorry if my comment was overly forceful.  I'm really heartened, impressed (and a little embarrassed) by the  honest conversation in this thread.  OP's clearly a thoughtful person and many others have joined him downthread.

I suppose the headphones and hood would bother me as an attempt to shut out the world and all people in it, esp. yours truly.  It would feel to me like a really rude assertion of power, like a big eff you that doesn't allow any kind of response.  Were I the 'head of the household' (as your pops probably sees himself) it would feel to me like an attempt to subvert all sense of community.  It would hurt my feelings deeply, eliciting a host of strong emotions I might have trouble expressing or containing.

Maybe I am old-fashioned.  I am a little old!

Is there a way to compromise?  Like, telling your dad how you feel in the morning so he knows you need your space, and having breakfast in your room?  Perhaps you could also correct the two or three aspects of the mess in your room that most bother your dad -- for ex., keeping clothes off the floor or making your bed or opening your curtains. Like, 5-10 min. of cleaning a day just to show that you care about how he feels (and to indicate that you wish the same from him).

Even if you don't really want to live at home and it was your dad's idea, he is saving you (some) rent (I assume).

Best luck!  And remember, compromise demonstrates power, not weakness.

Edited by Me_Roy (04/06/11 04:29 PM)

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Offlinemikeisapro
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: Me_Roy]
    #14252448 - 04/07/11 10:39 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

It's about control.

Don't let him suck you into control games.

Move out when you can.

Quote:

sleepy said:
what's so disturbing about a hood and headphones?



The specifics are never the point. The point is a feeling of control for the person under delusions of authoritative power and control. When a person who has these delusions perceives an undermining of their control, that is what is important.

In fact, I personally think little issues are more likely to aggravate control-types than big ones. When you make a big move or decision, they are less likely to want to control it.



--------------------
Life without drugs lacks substance(s).

Edited by mikeisapro (04/07/11 10:46 AM)

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Invisiblesleepy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: mikeisapro]
    #14253374 - 04/07/11 02:12 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

exactly, it IS about control

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Invisiblesleepy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: sleepy]
    #14253380 - 04/07/11 02:13 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

all op wants to control is his Ipod, and what he see's and doesn't see.  he doesn't want to control anybody.  sounds like its dads problem to meeee

Edited by sleepy (04/07/11 02:13 PM)

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Invisiblesleepy
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Re: My dad makes me feel like a loser/bad person [Re: sleepy]
    #14253414 - 04/07/11 02:20 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

by the way, i don't think that confronting your dad and telling him that he's trying to control you would work.  would probably just make it worse.  it's the law of the universe i think that you are doomed to have to endure it for his sake.  just know that you aren't a loser, and eventually he will figure out his mistake.  to confront him will just create a big fight and won't solve it.  at least that's what i learned the hard way. 

be creative though.  like, maybe craft a second hood to wear underneath your first one, and walk into the room and make a big show of taking off the first one, and the second one will be there or something.  humor can diffuse the situation i think

Edited by sleepy (04/07/11 02:21 PM)

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