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Cursive
I AM



Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 376
Loc: Georgia, United States of...
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Love and mental breakdown.. I want help.
#14221646 - 04/01/11 03:24 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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I don't know exactly where to begin. I'm not exactly me at the moment, you could call my presence the devil. For some reason, there's a strong attachment for being unattached to my girlfriend. I want to love her, but there's only a tiny sliver of love's light for me. She feels it so much it hurts her, but why can't I feel that? If she loves me, why don't I love her?
After certain subtle 'armaggeddons' with each other (so small theyre unnoticable) the ego in me takes a grip and dictates everything. I've never felt love for this girl, only resentment, regret, and everything else. Why? It's not like I did anything to make this happen... I just want to love her, but the closest I can get to that is me crying over the fact that I can't feel the love. Why do I have such a bitter mentality against her? Her psychology attracts similar people to her to make her go through the type of stuff i put her through - expressing my inner hatred for her.
I seriously want to know what's wrong with me, and every time I desire to snap out of it, like now, and just realize that I'm being self-centered, it has no effect on the way I feel and it makes me want to continue what I was just doing. I can't go on like this, I spent so much time and effort into trying to build a love for her but nothing seems to work.
I call her names, I get jealous when shes around other guys, I get pleasure from treating her poorly. This isn't love, so why does she love me?? It makes NO sense, and I can't figure out a way to express it and make it stick.
When I got back with her, I fell a bit farther away from God than I had initially expected. Don't get me wrong, I know my spiritual stuff, but what the fuck is love?? Why is it already chosen and unchangable? I thought love was transcendence and constant change, and the way ive felt about her has never changed. I always fall into the same exact patterns as if for no reason. As if she creates a bipolar disorder upon me at times without realizing.
I call her out for how imperfect she is and how unwilling I am to progress because of my present attitude. I'll feel bad, sit there and cry about how evil I am, beg for another chance inside myself, and it all clears. And then I picture her and - ...nothing. Why do I feel nothing. The spark is so small that I can't possibly feel anything even if that spark wanted to show me itself. I just want to live with her in love because I know she is right for me. God is also a major part of it. She doesn't love god as much as i do, she loves me more than god, and I wonder to myself how a person can love another person more than their grand creator?
Please if anybody out there has answers, be the light for my glimmer of hope.
-------------------- I am up above all that I am down below..
  
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14221737 - 04/01/11 03:37 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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just a guess, but maybe your afraid that if you love her and you guys break up you will be hurt and feel it wasn't worth it?
or maybe you just don't love her anymore and wish things could go back to the way it was when you did love her?
maybe you guys should take a break for a little and try to figure things out seeing going on seems like things get worse unless you figure it out quickly.
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and I wonder to myself how a person can love another person more than their grand creator?
maybe she doesn't believe in god and if she does, she clearly doesn't have as close to a relationship with god as you do.
sometimes things change or isn't meant to work out, you'll figure it out eventually though
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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MarkostheGnostic
Elder


Registered: 12/09/99
Posts: 14,279
Loc: South Florida
Last seen: 3 years, 1 month
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive] 4
#14221852 - 04/01/11 04:00 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Are you supposed to be taking taking medication for Bipolar Disorder? I ask, because YOU posit that there's something wrong, and at the same time you evidence serious ego-inflation. Together, I see a manic episode. You "call her names...get jealous...get pleasure from treating her poorly." You admit "being self-centered," and refer to "unnoticeable" states as "subtle 'armageddons'." Sorry, but you're experiencing pathological inflation. Your inner world does not rate as a global catastrophe. You "call her out for how imperfect she is," and state that "she doesn't love god as much as I do." More inflation. Lastly, "she creates a bipolar disorder upon me," which is impossible, and is nothing other than clear case of projection on your part.
So, if you are supposed to be taking meds, take them. If you're not diagnosed with this condition yet, get a clinical evaluation, because (and only since you asked), it looks a lot like Bipolar Disorder from where I'm sitting, and you suggested it yourself - only other people don't 'create' the disorder for you. If you have it, you have it. Deal with it instead of blaming other people for your own condition. BTW, don't assume that attachment means "love," considering how many uses and references the word has. Emotional attachments occur on various levels including pathological ones like Dependent Personality Disorder, Masochistic Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and other dynamics that have little or nothing to do with compassion and self-sacrifice. You seem to derive a sadistic pleasure from "treating her poorly" (your own words), so a Sadistic-Masochistic dynamic cannot be ruled out. This is not 'love,' it is a psychological dynamic. You'll never know what's up until your confusion gets ironed out, so work on yourself by first getting some professional assistance. Best wishes.
-------------------- γνῶθι σαὐτόν - Gnothi Seauton - Know Thyself
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Cursive
I AM



Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 376
Loc: Georgia, United States of...
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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I really need that much help?
And honest to the heart, I've never acted this way to anyone before. I'm not bipolar, I was just using that as an expression. I don't understand where the confusion is coming from, I've wanted help for so long and I can't find it, I just keep trying to get over myself but the problem persists, I dont understand how to step out of the costume I'm in.. It's literally tearing me to shreds, I dont want to lose her but I hate her but I love her but I cant stand her. Its like GAH! what??? Pure emptiness, nothing there, the void, as if somethings missing. No matter how good I try to do, my ego's karma always finds its way to dominate my feelings. I'll even be sitting there thinking "What the fuck are you doing to yourself?" and still cant control it, and itll drag on and get worse and worse. I do want professional help, but right now the living situation is at a low. The devil REALLY doesnt want me to have this one, and thats exactly why I want her, so I can find the treasure thats been buried for probably spiritual lifetimes.
-------------------- I am up above all that I am down below..
  
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14222127 - 04/01/11 05:02 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
I dont want to lose her but I hate her but I love her but I cant stand her. Its like GAH! what??? Pure emptiness, nothing there, the void, as if somethings missing
this could fit with what i said which was- maybe you just don't love her anymore and wish things could go back to the way it was when you did love her, and are blaming her for the way you feel.
though if you are bi-polar i wouldn't take it so bad, lots of people have that problem or some other type of psychological condition.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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Cursive
I AM



Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 376
Loc: Georgia, United States of...
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: bigmike7104]
#14223607 - 04/01/11 10:04 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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im not bi polar. im alright when im not in a bad mood, i can accept her and feel warmth, but once it ticks im gone until i snap myself out of it. I won't leave her because the person you have NOW is there so you can transcend more psychological limitations. If you leave, then youre giving up on love instead of co-creating with it and building it. I can tell u my weakness, and it's that I have powerful willpower and wisdom, but the love aspect is weak. I can't feel. And when I do, it's weak. Sexual behavior has the ability to jolt me out of this, its this alone that has stronger feeling than anything else. But I want MORE than that, I don't know if its lust or what but its like glue to me when I can get into the sexual mode with her.
-------------------- I am up above all that I am down below..
  
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Cups
technically "here"


Registered: 12/24/09
Posts: 1,925
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14223662 - 04/01/11 10:13 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Markos does this stuff for a living. Don't be so quick to dismiss him.
My 2 cents.
-------------------- What's up everybody?!
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Diploid
Cuban



Registered: 01/09/03
Posts: 19,274
Loc: Rabbit Hole
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cups] 3
#14223698 - 04/01/11 10:22 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Yeah, diagnosing someone over the internet on a public discussion board tells it all.
MY 2 cents.
-------------------- Republican Values: 1) You can't get married to your spouse who is the same sex as you. 2) You can't have an abortion no matter how much you don't want a child. 3) You can't have a certain plant in your possession or you'll get locked up with a rapist and a murderer. 4) We need a smaller, less-intrusive government.
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Cups
technically "here"


Registered: 12/24/09
Posts: 1,925
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Diploid]
#14223734 - 04/01/11 10:27 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Cool. Now we've got 4 cents.
What to do...What to do...
My calculations show we still can't even buy 1 second of therapy at 200/hr.
-------------------- What's up everybody?!
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Diploid
Cuban



Registered: 01/09/03
Posts: 19,274
Loc: Rabbit Hole
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cups]
#14223798 - 04/01/11 10:38 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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One more cent and we can guy a gum ball.
-------------------- Republican Values: 1) You can't get married to your spouse who is the same sex as you. 2) You can't have an abortion no matter how much you don't want a child. 3) You can't have a certain plant in your possession or you'll get locked up with a rapist and a murderer. 4) We need a smaller, less-intrusive government.
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Blondell_Letrange
No other.



Registered: 11/08/10
Posts: 418
Loc: OZ
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Diploid]
#14223991 - 04/01/11 11:15 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Diploid said: One more cent and we can guy a gum ball. 
Bi-polar is still trending huh?
My 1 cent (for the gum ball.)
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bigmike7104
Stranger

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 1,395
Loc: USA
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Diploid]
#14224000 - 04/01/11 11:17 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
im alright when im not in a bad mood, i can accept her and feel warmth, but once it ticks im gone until i snap myself out of it.
if you are bi polar, it would make sense that your fine then the next moment your suddenly the opposite of how you feel which is why it's called bi polar. doesn't mean you are just maybe you should get it checked out.
Quote:
If you leave, then youre giving up on love instead of co-creating with it and building it.
but what if you have no love for her. if you don't then you can't just create it because it's just not there. just something to consider.
-------------------- Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines
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meatcakeman
the search for bodhisattva



Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 8,380
Loc: el sol
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14224032 - 04/01/11 11:26 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Cursive said: I don't know exactly where to begin. I'm not exactly me at the moment, you could call my presence the devil. For some reason, there's a strong attachment for being unattached to my girlfriend. I want to love her, but there's only a tiny sliver of love's light for me. She feels it so much it hurts her, but why can't I feel that? If she loves me, why don't I love her?
After certain subtle 'armaggeddons' with each other (so small theyre unnoticable) the ego in me takes a grip and dictates everything. I've never felt love for this girl, only resentment, regret, and everything else. Why? It's not like I did anything to make this happen... I just want to love her, but the closest I can get to that is me crying over the fact that I can't feel the love. Why do I have such a bitter mentality against her? Her psychology attracts similar people to her to make her go through the type of stuff i put her through - expressing my inner hatred for her.
I seriously want to know what's wrong with me, and every time I desire to snap out of it, like now, and just realize that I'm being self-centered, it has no effect on the way I feel and it makes me want to continue what I was just doing. I can't go on like this, I spent so much time and effort into trying to build a love for her but nothing seems to work.
I call her names, I get jealous when shes around other guys, I get pleasure from treating her poorly. This isn't love, so why does she love me?? It makes NO sense, and I can't figure out a way to express it and make it stick.
When I got back with her, I fell a bit farther away from God than I had initially expected. Don't get me wrong, I know my spiritual stuff, but what the fuck is love?? Why is it already chosen and unchangable? I thought love was transcendence and constant change, and the way ive felt about her has never changed. I always fall into the same exact patterns as if for no reason. As if she creates a bipolar disorder upon me at times without realizing.
I call her out for how imperfect she is and how unwilling I am to progress because of my present attitude. I'll feel bad, sit there and cry about how evil I am, beg for another chance inside myself, and it all clears. And then I picture her and - ...nothing. Why do I feel nothing. The spark is so small that I can't possibly feel anything even if that spark wanted to show me itself. I just want to live with her in love because I know she is right for me. God is also a major part of it. She doesn't love god as much as i do, she loves me more than god, and I wonder to myself how a person can love another person more than their grand creator?
Please if anybody out there has answers, be the light for my glimmer of hope.
maybe you subconsciously feel like you've figured her out because she's become too familiar. this inadvertently makes you look down upon her because she does what you expect her to do and she's easy to read, which might make her look a little pathetic or simple. also, maybe you're looking into it too much. or, you might be trying look for something that's not there.
or, quite possibly, you have predisposed notions about what LOVE actually is. this creates a bias when discerning whether or not you are in love because you might be looking for signs that could be completely bogus/irrelevant/self-centered. love is something you feel. if you don't know what love is, you haven't felt it. my guess is you aren't actually in love with this girl, but you have developed platonic love for her. such love lacks romance and attraction which could lead to emotional distress.
-------------------- 大开眼界
 
Hasta siempre, comandante.
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Cursive
I AM



Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 376
Loc: Georgia, United States of...
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: meatcakeman]
#14224358 - 04/02/11 12:34 AM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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You are absolutely correct. I have felt love, and yeah it is like I am too comfortable. I know there's probably blockages preventing me from feeling it, but I know what love is and I know that I don't feel it. Every once in a while, I'll see a small strand of love and it won't last long, but I can honestly say that's all that keeps me going with her, but I want more of it. I don't want it to be small, I want it to be filling and lively and vibrant, instead of suffocated and pitiful. It breaks my heart that I can't have that, and makes me crave the stuff more, even though it would seem impossible to reach. I don't want to hurt her, I just all of a sudden get these negative impulses that have nothing to do with anything. Maybe it is a form of bipolarity, but it doesn't stop me from keeping her with me, and if I don't keep my spiritual attitude then that impulse basically gets to win. Should I feel like I'm fighting a war against these impulses? Is all I need change? Acceptance? Patience? What?
-------------------- I am up above all that I am down below..
  
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the human abstract
malaka the werewolf



Registered: 11/30/09
Posts: 8,817
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14224371 - 04/02/11 12:38 AM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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reality is love loving itself dont be a pussy.
fucking grab that bitch tell her how you feel
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★ ★★ ★
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LunarEclipse
Enlil's Official Story


Registered: 10/31/04
Posts: 21,407
Loc: Building 7
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14224834 - 04/02/11 05:04 AM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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You can't change a thing. Go with the flow, don't you know.
Abuse can be fun but in the end it is still abuse. Not love. Sure you want to feel love but how can you? You weren't given it and now you don't have it to give.
Get a dog is my best advise, leave your abusive ways somewhere on the trail along with some dog shit and maybe you urinate on a bush while you are at it. No need to shake the bush either, boss. Just let it all out and walk on...
-------------------- Anxiety is what you make it.
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redgreenvines
irregular verb


Registered: 04/08/04
Posts: 37,853
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive] 2
#14224991 - 04/02/11 07:45 AM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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the way I see it you have been acting in an undignified fashion. this is the area to work on. not religion not love not relationships yourself. keep reviewing what you consider to be the right way of being, and do not stoop. if you do revert to crappy behavior - do not apologize, fix yourself immediately.
the girl wants to be in love, and will love even an undeserving asshole. (this is immature - she will grow out of it - you do not have to teach her anything) you need sex, and are maturing as well, but you can accelerate your maturation by giving a shit about what is dignified, and what is degenerate, and not being degenerate ever. you can be sloppy, you can rejoice, you can stumble, you can make mistakes, but you must be dignified or you will wallow in this self loathing that has started.
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Cursive
I AM



Registered: 04/18/10
Posts: 376
Loc: Georgia, United States of...
Last seen: 12 years, 3 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: redgreenvines]
#14225921 - 04/02/11 12:56 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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but i start going crazy because I do act right, yet feel nothing in return. I simply can't feel it but I want to more than anything.
-------------------- I am up above all that I am down below..
  
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meatcakeman
the search for bodhisattva



Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 8,380
Loc: el sol
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14226238 - 04/02/11 01:52 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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Quote:
Cursive said: You are absolutely correct. I have felt love, and yeah it is like I am too comfortable. I know there's probably blockages preventing me from feeling it, but I know what love is and I know that I don't feel it. Every once in a while, I'll see a small strand of love and it won't last long, but I can honestly say that's all that keeps me going with her, but I want more of it. I don't want it to be small, I want it to be filling and lively and vibrant, instead of suffocated and pitiful. It breaks my heart that I can't have that, and makes me crave the stuff more, even though it would seem impossible to reach. I don't want to hurt her, I just all of a sudden get these negative impulses that have nothing to do with anything. Maybe it is a form of bipolarity, but it doesn't stop me from keeping her with me, and if I don't keep my spiritual attitude then that impulse basically gets to win. Should I feel like I'm fighting a war against these impulses? Is all I need change? Acceptance? Patience? What?
you need to discuss this thoroughly with your romantic partner. being able to understand you might change how she acts towards you.
also, when you do feel love, how does it come about? what sparks this feeling? if you can find the reasons to why you love her, you can solidify that love for her. you may even be able to cultivate that love into something more. if you truly want to make this work, you have to focus on the positive, and ACCEPT THE NEGATIVE. if you truly love her, you should be able to hear her fart, smell her poop, and eat her pussy without any feeling of remorse and without judgment. holistic acceptance of an individual is a definite sign of love, imo.
-------------------- 大开眼界
 
Hasta siempre, comandante.
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jivJaN
yes


Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 4,245
Last seen: 10 years, 10 months
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Re: Love and mental breakdown.. I want help. [Re: Cursive]
#14226886 - 04/02/11 04:11 PM (12 years, 10 months ago) |
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oh my god. please don't listen to some of these people here. nothing is wrong with you. you're just.. a guy.
if you don't love her.. you don't love her. break it off. you can't try to love. its impossible.
girls will often put you in the mental state where you feel responsible to reciprocate emotion. Sometimes the inability to do this can result in resentment. As if a responsibility has been placed upon you, the reaction is one similar of a boy resenting his mother for giving him chores to do. Only this time.. you can actually do something about it. Not only can you retaliate, you can assume the position of complete control.
i don't think anything is "wrong" with you. i think you're being a bit dramatic. which is... well.. also normal.
when you meet a girl.. get all fired up for her.. but she doesn't reciprocate that , then you will feel emotion. it is how the "love" game goes. we all want what we cant have and get bored with what we do have.
she takes your poor treatment and still stays with you. thus you find her weak.. pathetic and the cycle of mistreatment continues.
you need to get rid of these "devil" ideas. You're not evil. get rid of these "love" ideas. You're not in love. most importantly.. get rid of the bad habit you have of spending time with this female. it obviously has no benefit for either of you.
you're not having a mental break down. you just like to make everything about you epic and important.
- Stop feeling so guilty. - Break it off with the girl - Find females that actually challenge you.
When you run into a clever girl that wont take your narcissistic bullshit and finds YOUR weak spot , everything will change for you. You will fall madly in love with someone , wishing to give them all you have and it will all fail because you were weak.
After that.. you will see that having a healthy relationship with a female requires mutual challenging. This is something we see in friendship more often than romantic affairs. In other words.. you need a hot.. sexy.. girl.. FRIEND.
not someone that makes you feel so useless and pitiful.
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--------------------- All my posts in this forum are strictly fictional. They are derived from an acute mental illness , from which i am forced to lie compulsively. I have never induced any kind of mind altering substance in my life and i have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything illegal. If I have ever suggested such a thing it would have most likely been , due to my personality disorder and i probably do not remember it at all..
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