So, I have finally come to a point in my life where I feel it necessary to completely overhaul myself, and therefore my life, as an individual. A few months ago I was more or less forced into breaking up with my ex, whom I loved more completely than I could ever love anything, except our Mother. She had some emotional issues while we were together, more than normal, and after a very unintelligent bout (Maybe 5-6 times in a month) with MDMA while on Effexor, her problems really surfaced and became apparent every day. It got so bad in fact that she had a nervous breakdown and admitted herself to the ER. Eventually she would be "dignosed" with Borderline Personality Disorder, or in lamens, split personalities. One day I would be a prince in shining armor, the next she would be doubting why she was with me.
Anyway, this coupled with losing my job, having no source of income, essentially no money compared to bill pay-out, being forced to move because of a lack of money, the rather large amount of debt that I have accumulated, recent ER visits, and stress from my roommate (Who is trying to help emotionally, but moreso financially) has got me in a very displeasing space and state of mind. I am also starting to backslide on all the improvements that I made in the past 1.5 years, along with hating my life. I turned to substances, thankfully not alcohol (Have been SOBER for 1.5 years. I have had a few beers since August) hoping to numb the pain and sorrow that I am feeling. But, while it may be helping a little, I am still going to be the same person I was before I started self medicating.
So, I decided, after an argument that I had last night, that I really need to start focusing on myself, and getting my issues taken care of. I have massive stress issues, which plays into my large anger issues. I lack self esteem, I am lonely, am discontent, hurting, and more or less dying inside. I have adapted the next few days as a "drug binge", not that it will be much, to just get it all out of my system before starting a respectable bout of sobriety. I will be using mushrooms in self therapy on occasion once they are ready, as this works for me. I will be starting yoga in the morning first thing, as well as at least 30 minutes of sober meditation prior to sleep, preferably an hour since I have the time. I have increased my eating habits as well as quality. I have also started getting more exercise which helps, compared to being competely sedate for days on end. Along with keeping my thoughts in check at all times, and exercising stress and anger management tools, I think this should get me relatively close to where I want to be, eventually.
This is more or less the gist of what I am wanting to do. In reality I could probably write for an hour and a half straight, but that seems impossibly unnecessary. (It should also be noted that sex will be kept to a minimum.) If you have gone through something similar and have constructive insight, or if you have thoughts about what I am attempting, please feel free to share in a respectable manner.
-------------------- "If I had a single wish, I would have every single human on this planet see this natural world the way I see it; the beauty in such simple things such as a fallen tree that is covered in moss and that has new trees growing from it. To some, fallen trees are ugly. But in reality, it is the circle of life at its finest. This is a beautiful world, its time that we recognize that before its all gone."
Edited by misos (03/16/11 03:52 PM)
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