I'm just making a thread to periodically update whenever I'm feeling down (thanks for the idea end of my rope thread). Instead of making a new thread every few months or so. These posts always end up so long because I just let it all out at once. No one has to read it, it's good enough for me to just to write it all out and continue on my way. But if you do, I give you my thanks!
I've had a great interest in Shamanism, healing and other various techniques over the past 5 years or so (Mainly to heal myself - First, [schizophrenia]). And have finally started taking some initiative into it. However, the more I read into it, the more it makes me want to find my own way, create my own path. Find my own healing methods.
I'm in a place of great self-doubt right now, thinking that I am not strong enough to withstand this path. I have been invited to live in a Tribal community outside of Transkei South Africa, but I am weary of the Sangoma.
I'm emotionally torn apart, i'm mentally torn apart. I've been working myself hard towards something I don't really understand, and it definitely felt like I approached something with immense power that ate me and spit me back out. I don't even know what to make of this right now, I've been so out of it lately. I still feel that power within me, cycling through my veins. However, I have fallen into a pretty bad depression with no apparent cause that I can find. I really thought I was something special over the years, having all these experiences aligned up perfectly for my growth as an individual, only for this to happen and to completely tear me down to remind myself that I am no more important then anything else on this planet.
I'm not sure I have what it takes to bring healing to other peoples lives anymore, it's gonna take me a life time just to heal myself. I thought I had lost everything, but boy was I wrong, I've lost myself (as if I ever had myself). I've given up hope of ever discovering who I am. It doesn't mean I will stop searching, but I no longer expect to understand who I am.
My dreams, my aspirations in life, are starting to fall away from me. However, there are very subtle reminders of why I chose this. I guess I sort of expected myself to remain a very emotionally balanced person, but it is hard, when I have potential employers treating me like a criminal, a society treating me like I'm some super mentally disturbed human being. I have withstood all of this for 3 years now.
I've never doubted myself so much in my life. I'm usually a very confident person. But this depression, it's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, in some ways it feels like it exists outside of me, and in other ways, it feels like it's engulfing my soul.
I think I have received more information and knowledge about something I'll never understand, and it's starting to consume me, change me, and bring me to a new place in my life. I'm starting to wonder what really keeps me in the world of the ordinary man, because I by no means feel like I 100% exist within it, but it would be foolish to say that I don't. I just don't have the same pursuit or interests of anyone I've met.
I gotta say, everything that's happened to me as of lately, has humbled me more then anything else. For awhile there, I had completely lost my empathetic nature, and it's now returned. I guess this is why they call Shamans "wounded healers". I am no Shaman, and I'd never claim to be a Shaman. I used to tell people that was my pursuit in life, to go to South Africa and be trained into the ancestral arts of healing. But now, I just don't know. I just want to live in nature, it's where I find myself in most peace and harmony with my life.
This is the strongest emotional breakdown I have had in a while, in a way it feels completely rejuvenating and cleansing. I get a deep shiver within my spine as I think of all of this, one that coursed through all of my body. I am doing the right thing by posting this. It is very tolling on me, I feel like I'm walking a very thin line, and at no notice be completely thrown to the other-side.
Some days... I just wish I could have a more typical life, seeing all of these people seemingly happy and content with their technology and groups of friends. And me, nothing, alone with nature. I wouldn't change a thing though.
I apologize for even writing this, I would blog it, but I'd rather have it out in a more public place, even if nobody does read it, because there's more of a chance of someone reading it here then somewhere else I could post it, and who know's it may resonate nicely with someone and help them out in some way, and vice versa.
Again, I thank you
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I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love. of truth. of light, and of peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me. We are one.
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