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Anonymous #1

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    #14092488 - 03/09/11 01:12 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

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Edited by Anonymous (05/18/22 02:03 PM)

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OfflineManianFHS
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1] * 1
    #14092561 - 03/09/11 01:27 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

You don't sleep enough. On top of that you probably have a shitty diet and are still drinking too much (because alcohol + shitty diet = shitty body performance). You need to tone back either with the time you spend with the girl or with your job.

You should always be getting 7-8 hours a night. If that is not happening, expect to be more stressed out and have more wear on your body. Also, I recommend you spend time to yourself, because if you devote it all to one other person, your emotions suffer, and you can get bottled up. Just let her know that you are physically exhausted and need to make up a plan that works better so you can see her and still have your health.


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notapillow said: "you are going about this endeavor all wrong. clear your mind of useless fear and concern. buy the ticket, take the ride, and all that.... "

ChrisWho said: "It's all about the journey, not the destination."

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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14092566 - 03/09/11 01:29 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

My suggestion is to take a 5 g mushroom trip by yourself with the right set and setting. Mushrooms really help me with insecurity.

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Offlinedummy
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14092583 - 03/09/11 01:31 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

you might just be overwhelmed with repressed thoughts that you'd rather not deal with. it sounds like you have some shit to get out, if you don't it'll ruin you. you should go to counseling, a good one can really break shit down for you to make you see whats really going on. my counselor gave me some 'work' to do in the form of a writing exercise. it really brought some shit to light (link below.) one thing about relationships, they can be just like drugs. just like all that booze you used to drink. but instead, your drug turned into a lovely woman and you just love making her happy. maybe thats cool and fine and dandy and i'm just wrong, or maybe you pouring money into her to make her happy is a way you derive self worth. but self worth should be coming from within, not without. considering you're doing well at work, you shouldn't have a hard time with deriving self worth from within (i'm sure your work isn't the only great thing about you) after you figure out what the root of this dread that is plaguing your life is.

i know this exercise will seem like a fucking drag and pointless, but it really helps. you'll see if you just do it once. try to dig deep, the more you put in the more you get out. good lucky.

http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/onebelief_Eng.pdf


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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Anonymous #1

. [Re: dummy]
    #14092890 - 03/09/11 02:37 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

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Edited by Anonymous (05/19/22 12:41 AM)

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Anonymous #1

. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14092956 - 03/09/11 02:53 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

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Edited by Anonymous (05/19/22 12:41 AM)

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Offlinedummy
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14093450 - 03/09/11 04:27 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

then those would be the beliefs you go off of. just try it out. 'i'm crazy' 'i'm insecure' etc...


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People never seem to know what they least suspect is coming next.

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: dummy]
    #14094077 - 03/09/11 06:14 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Sounds like you need to find ways to minimize your stress so that you can juggle the three important things in your life: yourself, your girl, and your job. It's tough at first, and given your circumstances I can understand why it's stressful.

New love is always like this until the honeymoon is over, which isn't to say you won't still love her madly but at least the puppy love stage will end. Eventually it won't be as extreme and you'll be alright spending an entire week apart and enjoy being together even more when you do finally see each other.

In my experience (and I was insecure when I entered my last relationship as was my ex), insecurities can either be masked by having this girl in your life who is constantly complementing you, or the insecurities can get in the way of the relationship (jealousy, feeling threatened by other guys in her life, etc.).

You have to try your best to overcome those insecurities, because if she's ever out of your life they will come back to haunt you, speaking from experience.

It was already said above, but do your best to get a good night's sleep on a regular basis and lay off the drinking except on special occasions (unless this just cycles into heavier drinking), and even add an exercise regime to your day. Make your body healthy and your mind will follow. It's incredible how much better I feel after going for a run or lifting weights, give it a shot for reducing that stress.
Do your best to think positively in every possible moment that you can. The power of our thoughts is amazing. Wake up and tell yourself that you're the fucking man and nothing can hold you back, or whatever you wish to tell yourself. And believe it. Constantly remind yourself of how great you are, there's nothing wrong with holding yourself in a high regard, just don't get cocky and let it leak into your interactions with others. You've got this great girl who is crazy about you, keep that in mind too. Do your best to forget about what you think about yourself because there's someone who you love even more than yourself right now (correct me if I'm wrong), and she thinks you're an amazing person (speculation, don't know why it would be incorrect though); try listening to her. Good luck man.


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gettin' high to balance out the lows

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Anonymous #1

. [Re: irie.one]
    #14094256 - 03/09/11 06:42 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

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Edited by Anonymous (05/18/22 02:04 PM)

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Invisibleirie.one
I Respect I Eternally
Male


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 157
Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14094738 - 03/09/11 08:16 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Thank you so much for this post Irie... I'm going to address some things you mentioned here, because it hit on several factors in my life that are either stressors or the key to overcoming my current mindset.


Quote:

Sounds like you need to find ways to minimize your stress so that you can juggle the three important things in your life: yourself, your girl, and your job. It's tough at first, and given your circumstances I can understand why it's stressful.




Yeah... I very much do need to find ways to minimize my stress to ensure that I can fully enjoy all three of these factors. The thing is, right now, there is trouble in one of those three things that has bled into the other two, and I can't figure out where the trouble is originating. If it is coming from myself, it is making my job suffer (I've lost all motivation, and even my great successes at work are feeling routine and boring), and my relationship suffer (Losing an erection now on three occasions, doing things in front of her that are very stupid, feeling worried that she will stop liking me all of a suddent). If it is my relationship, then it's leading to me feeling lower self worth and focus less on my job, more on her. If it's my job, I am working so hard and doing so well that I am losing my ability to take care of myself, and losing my ability to be a good lover.

The thing is, all three of these explanations are extremely plausible. I have no fucking clue where to start on this part here...




I'm going to call on my previous relationship experience in order to give you the best advice I can. When I was in the stage you're in now while in my last relationship, she was literally all I could think about during every waking moment when we were away from each other, especially when I was at work. This can add a huge amount of stress to your life if it's preventing you from getting your job done, as I experienced. When your mind is on one thing, even if it's a happy thing, you might find that you have a short attention span and are constantly day-dreaming and unable to complete simple tasks without getting distracted. I began to notice that I wasn't as productive at work as I needed to be because I was always thinking about this girl, and it started to stress me out. I got frustrated that I couldn't get my thoughts off of this girl, even though I was head-over-heels in love with her, I knew I needed to try to stop thinking about her. It never really happened... I ended up dropping down to part-time and eliminating some of the responsibilities I had at that job. As a result I was making less money, but had more time to spend with her and my stress level was cut in half. I'm not sure if that's an option for you, and I'll be honest, it's pretty drastic. Looking back, it was a great decision even if I didn't have her in my life, I was so much happier as a part-time worker.

Stress plays a huge role in sexual performance, and I'd be willing to bet that the reason you're not successful is because of the stress you're holding. It's really difficult to relax and clear your mind before sex sometimes, especially when you only see this girl a couple of times a week. It puts you under pressure to perform since you don't have much time with her, which only adds to the stress level. Try your best to not worry so much about not being able to have sex until you can identify the primary source of your stress, because dwelling on this seems to be adding to your stress level unnecessarily.

Quote:

Quote:

New love is always like this until the honeymoon is over, which isn't to say you won't still love her madly but at least the puppy love stage will end. Eventually it won't be as extreme and you'll be alright spending an entire week apart and enjoy being together even more when you do finally see each other.




I'm thinking we're beginning to enter this part, and it somewhat scares me. We're only a month and a half into the relationship. I was crazy about her for the past month, still really am... Just got done talking with her on the phone, just to hear her voice. She makes me incredibly happy... She's an amazing person, and I want to be just such a good boyfriend and partner for her. I feel bad that I upset her this week and acted like an idiot, then when I remember our failed attempt at sex the day before she had to go back home, even though we'd had two days prior of awesome sex, I feel ashamed and saddened, I imagine in my mind her picturing me as a total loser, even though she still tells me how much she loves me and how she believes "When you're with someone, you're with them, no matter their flaws."




This could be a good thing for you, don't fear it. It's natural for us guys to feel ashamed when we can't perform sexually, but it seems to me from what you're saying that you don't yet trust this girl completely. Not to say that she's lied to you or given you any reason not to trust her, but you haven't given her your complete trust yet. Maybe it's because she hasn't given that to you yet, or maybe your subconscious to trying to protect you from getting your heart broken some day. For love to really work you both need to trust one another completely. It'll bring you so much closer to each other, even if you're out of the honeymoon phase. I have a feeling that the incomplete trust isn't something you're consciously doing, but if this is something that you think applies to you, try trusting her more. Believe her with all your heart when she tells you that she loves you and accepts you even if you have flaws. She has flaws too and you're able to overlook those I'm sure in the name of your love for her.


Quote:

Quote:

In my experience (and I was insecure when I entered my last relationship as was my ex), insecurities can either be masked by having this girl in your life who is constantly complementing you, or the insecurities can get in the way of the relationship (jealousy, feeling threatened by other guys in her life, etc.).




At first, it was the prior. Insecurities were being masked because she's constantly complementing me and covers for a lot of my flaws in her own right. Now though, its the second part... they are getting in the way of the relationship, with exactly the same results you just mentioned. I am feeling threatened by people I should not feel threatened by at all. I just imagine her, in my head, seeing me as some loser and some other guy, without my problems, coming in and stepping in. This does not help my case... I'm naturally very confident, but its as if all of my self confidence has just disappeared in the past two weeks.




Here's another situation where incomplete trust comes into play. If you trust her with every bit of your being, you know that you have nothing to worry about with her and any other guys. You might feel threatened, but with practice you can remind yourself that you have nothing to worry about because she loves you just as much as you love her, and you know that she has nothing to worry about with you and other girls (again, I'm making assumptions :laugh:). Love is VERY powerful and if it's entirely mutual, which it sounds like it is for you two, then best thing you can do is ask yourself, "If I was in her shoes, would I be looking for another guy? Would I tell anyone trying to step in to fuck off?" I think you know the answer to both of those questions. Trust her, just as you wish for her to trust you. The heart has a way of putting up guards to keep it from getting hurt, because, let's face it, heartbreak is one of the worst pains imaginable.


Quote:

Quote:

You have to try your best to overcome those insecurities, because if she's ever out of your life they will come back to haunt you, speaking from experience.




Yeah... it would help if I knew where they were all coming from though.




They're coming from having this amazing girl in your life. You're subconsciously afraid of losing her, and this is your heart's way of trying to keep that from happening. You're might also be constantly thinking that you don't deserve to have her, which can add to the fear of losing her as well as lowered self-confidence. Always remind yourself that she wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with her, try your hardest to let that ease your insecurities.

Quote:

Quote:

It was already said above, but do your best to get a good night's sleep on a regular basis and lay off the drinking except on special occasions (unless this just cycles into heavier drinking), and even add an exercise regime to your day. Make your body healthy and your mind will follow. It's incredible how much better I feel after going for a run or lifting weights, give it a shot for reducing that stress.




I'd love to start exercising again, it really helped me last time I had problems like this. I just don't have any time to... too much work, and when I'm not working, I'm on the phone or playing games online with her, and when I'm not doing that, I'm asleep or visiting her.




Perhaps you could compromise and adjust your schedule so that you have 30 minutes three days a week to go for a run or whatever your favorite endorphin-releasing exercise is. You might find that having less time might add stress, but the amount of stress reduction will be greater than the added stress of having a tighter time schedule.

Quote:

Quote:

Do your best to think positively in every possible moment that you can. The power of our thoughts is amazing. Wake up and tell yourself that you're the fucking man and nothing can hold you back, or whatever you wish to tell yourself. And believe it. Constantly remind yourself of how great you are, there's nothing wrong with holding yourself in a high regard, just don't get cocky and let it leak into your interactions with others. You've got this great girl who is crazy about you, keep that in mind too. Do your best to forget about what you think about yourself because there's someone who you love even more than yourself right now (correct me if I'm wrong), and she thinks you're an amazing person (speculation, don't know why it would be incorrect though); try listening to her. Good luck man.




I will start doing this. This is how I picked this girl up... were it not for a bit of self confidence I've not had in my life til recently with my job, I would have never had the nerve to move in on this girl. She's by far the best girl I've ever been with, in every sense of the term... she's a girl most guys in this world would absolutely kill for. And I don't want to lose her.




Once again, if I had to give an entirely amateur diagnosis for your causes of stress, they would be: 1)Working too much and having less productivity, 2)Difficulty focusing on anything but her, 3)Fear of losing her, and 4)Inability to perform sexually (this should be the least of your worries). I'll also go so far as to say that not trusting her entirely (even if it's done unintentionally) is getting in the way of an even stronger relationship. Early stages of a relationship can be a bit of a roller coaster ride, with amazing highs and falls that aren't as enjoyable. Eventually it will stabilize, based on how you are able to change. It's also possible that there's something she could be doing differently that would make you trust her more, but you haven't said anything to support that so I will assume that she is "perfect" (your words :tongue:).

I'll end with another teachable point-of-view based from personal experiences: I was in a relationship that sounds very similar to the one you're in now. That honeymoon phase? It lasted at least six months before stabilizing. I also had trouble sexually at first because I wasn't ready to trust this girl completely yet, and for whatever reason it hindered my sexual performance even though she was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. She was my first love and I wasn't about to let my guard down for just anyone, even though I wanted it SO bad. It wasn't that I needed her to prove anything, but over time she gave me so many reasons to give her every bit of love I was capable of. Before her, I didn't think I was capable of loving or any of the amazing feelings being with someone you love can bring out.

The insecurities I mentioned to you earlier started with her. She told me some of the same things you're mentioning, that she was so afraid of losing me because I was so perfect and "out of her league" (which still makes me chuckle, she was a model!), even though I was just as crazy about her as she was about me. The funny thing about insecurities is that it's incredibly contagious if it's kept up. I wasn't insecure initially, but I saw how insecure she was and my mind must have seen that as a warning sign that if she's so worried about losing me, maybe I should be afraid of losing her too. Of course there's no logic behind that, but that's how my mind began to work, and before I knew it I was just as insecure as she was. Since we were both insecure, about losing one another anyway, it ended up not being a huge issue until later in our relationship. Since I excused all of her insecurities, she excused mine, and all was well.

The last piece of advice I can offer, and this is only being mentioned because of the way our relationship ended, is don't get burned out on each other. Just remember that if she's someone you want in your life forever, and if that feeling is mutual, then there is no reason to rush things. Stretch the phases of your relationship out as long as you comfortably can before moving to the next one. I moved in with my ex after 5 months of being together, and about a year and a half later we realized that we spent literally every single waking moment together and weren't able to enjoy our youths. We didn't really have any good friends other than each other, and needed other social stimulation. While we had an incredible amount of love for each other, in the end we weren't as happy as we could have been if we were on our own. Our day-to-day life became the same old routine, and even though we were always happy together, things just became uninteresting. She also wasn't self-sufficient or independent and relied on me for a lot, both financially and emotionally and she was ready to take charge of her life, and I have a ton of respect for her for making that realization.
All things happen for a reason, and after ending that relationship I'm 100X the man I was before entering it, by my own measurement. Just make sure you savor the moments you have with her. I know it's difficult to understand where that advice is coming from, but if you start to feel like things are getting stagnant, take action and make things interesting again. If there's still love, you'll have an amazing, successful relationship.

Again, best of luck to you. Everything you're going though is part of being in a relationship and if it's meant to be the pieces will all fall into place :smirk:.


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gettin' high to balance out the lows

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Anonymous #1

. [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14095109 - 03/09/11 09:34 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

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Edited by Anonymous (05/18/22 02:02 PM)

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Invisibleirie.one
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14095498 - 03/09/11 10:45 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

You hit the nail on the head here. There really isn't any room for spontaneous sex because I know we're limited to only seeing each other for a little set amount of time per week. It really puts pressure on me to perform, because I love having sex with her, but on the other hand, its beginning to feel like its contrived - like I want to get the sex out of the way because its the only time we can do it. I also love after having sex with her, we bond so well, sex is wonderful for that sort of thing... but I can't force myself to be all into it if it isnt coming naturally, and there's no time for it to come naturally since our time together is already so limited.

I can't move down to part time, though I was considering moving jobs, because work is putting a huge amount of strain on my personal life right now. I'm making lots of money, but its coming at the expense of my sanity and ability to be with the one I love. I cant get her out of my head, and like you mentioned, its stressing me the fuck out.




I’ll agree with you that sex is an amazing experience with someone you love. Actually, I think at that point it can be referred to as “making love,” although cheesy it has much more meaning when you call it that, maybe not though :shrug:. Maybe you should lower the expectations you have of yourself, and the next time you two meet up, don’t force sex. If it’s only happening because it’s the only chance you’ll have, you might not be in the right state of mind. If you’re not feeling it, don’t bother, there’s no shame in turning it down when you have a legitimate reason. At least that way you won’t take the risk of not functioning that leads to self-loathing. Don’t forget how many other chances you two will have to make love, especially while your relationship is young. Even having sex too frequently can sometimes get boring, especially if it’s the same routine every time...

As for your job dilemma, that’s usually the type of analysis I do before making a drastic decision, decide which situation I would be happier in. If you’d be happier giving more of your time to this girl than working at your great job, then I say find a new job that lets you spend more time with her.

Quote:

I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever been in, by that one guy that my previous significant others were close to in a friendship sort of way. Ive been burnt badly in these situations before, and you're right, I guess this means I am subconsciously not trusting her. She said to me before she's not a cheater and doesnt believe in it at all... I guess maybe this is a defense mechanism that I have just uncovered because I have not fallen in love in like a year and a half.




That’s very unfortunate, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much. Honestly, that does give you some leeway in being insecure. I’d still recommend trying to overcome your insecurities for the sake of your relationship and emotional health, but I could only imagine how traumatic it would be to be hurt like that time and again. That’s why my ex was so insecure at first, because every man before me fucked her over in some way, and it’s natural to worry about that if you’ve experienced it before. It might take a little bit more time, but when it really clicks you’ll find that this girl might be even more special than you already think :smirk:.

Quote:

YEah... you're good at making assumptions though, they are hitting the nail on the proverbial head. This love is very mutual, and no, if I were in her shoes, I would not be looking for another guy... but I don't know what its like to be a woman. I'm not sure how much she can overlook my problems. She seems good at it... she's been with guys much more fucked up than me, and said that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had. I want to trust her, and I feel like I'm trusting her with my head, but yeah... I think maybe my heart has a lot of guards put up because of past experience. Even the girls I trusted most in my life have screwed me over bad.




Women typically get more attention from guys than they give to them from what I’ve seen. My ex was always getting hit on while we were together (I didn't get hit on once :tongue:), but as long as you work up to that level of trust where you truly believe with all your heart that you have nothing to worry about, you’ll find that it’s flattering when another guy wants your girl and you’re the lucky one to get her :smile:.

Quote:

Yeah... and its great to think about that man. You have me pegged down so well, and this situation so well. Its so good to hear from an outside perspective. She knows that I should not be worried about losing her. She's giving everything to me. Even all of her free time. She calls me just to talk to me for her lunch breaks, for hours after work, I mean these are things I usually did in the past with the person I loved... I don't even have to, she's doing it all on her own. That's how I know this is so genuine.

As for your teachable experience man, its just good to know I'm not the only one in the world that experienced this. I have to line up my stressors like you did and figure out the best way to combat them. You've helped me in more ways than one, and I will read what you wrote over the next few days over... there's a lot in it that matches up so well with my experiences. Thank you so much.




Enjoy the love you two share and enjoy the moments you have together. It sounds like you’ve got a keeper :thumbup:. It’s pretty cool when a girl is crazy for you even if you don’t think you deserve it, just enjoy it and reciprocate :smile:. Genuine love is different than any other type of love and it’s great that you’ve made that observation. I’m truly glad I could help you out man. It gives me yet another positive thing to focus on when I reflect on that relationship and how I’ve used the experience to help others and better myself. Feel free to give me updates on how things are going, and it really does warm my soul to be able to help you out, so don’t hesitate to contact me if you want to talk again.


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gettin' high to balance out the lows

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Anonymous #1

. [Re: irie.one]
    #14120974 - 03/14/11 06:31 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

.

Edited by Anonymous (05/18/22 02:02 PM)

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OfflineMicroppose
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Re: Im an insecure, sexually dysfunctional, alcoholic wreck who needs advice [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14126418 - 03/15/11 06:24 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Good to hear man, I was following along for a little bit. Sleep and a healthy diet can have an impact on the way your body acts as well as your mind. Improper sleeping habits can cause your body to work at minimal performance, in order to save energy and prevent wearing itself out. Especially when consciously you know you have to push through an 8 hour day. Your internal dialog probably stemmed from guilt that you weren't operating at 100%, and not performing at your best at work and in your personal life. Also, performing sub-par sexually, can be a huge detriment to a man's ego. Treat yourself well, and you will radiate with energy, and all aspects of your life will follow suit.
Try to keep alcohol isolated to two nights a week of your choosing. Set yourself an allowance. This will not only get your body in a consistent rhythm but also help to prevent feeling awful when you wake up every morning. You notice how you are always hungry and thirsty when you wake up from a night of drinking? It takes a lot of energy to filter out alcohol, which your body technically fights off as an infection. This alcohol isolation will also teach you self control, which is a stepping stone in keeping yourself perpetually healthy and make better decisions in regards to that, and other aspects of life.

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