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Offlinedurantz
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Jealousy/Envy
    #14116172 - 03/13/11 08:16 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Hey guys need some advice here. OR just give me your opinions...

How to deal with jealous/envious friends?

If a friend is envious of things you have in your life then how do you handle this?


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: durantz]
    #14116249 - 03/13/11 08:31 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Depends on their actions around envy. If they ever try in any way (even tiny ways) to stab you then dump them quick cause it's bound to get worse.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Offlinedurantz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: Icelander]
    #14116553 - 03/13/11 09:25 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Well I think in this case it is more a problem with jealousy. I live with my friend and he get's very jealous when I make friends with his friends. It's gotten to the point where he won't invite me out when he's catching up with friends... also i've become very good friends with someone he introduced me to and he teases me about it and refuses to come along to things we invite him to.

I'm finding it hard to deal with and I got angry with him the other day. If I didn't live with him it wouldn't really bother me but I see him every day...

And the thing is that I genuinely want to see him happy. I wish him all the best and I would never be envious or jealous of any fortune in his life.


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InvisibleRahz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: durantz]
    #14116817 - 03/13/11 10:13 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

If I didn't live with him it wouldn't really bother me




Solution!

You could always try confronting him about it before the final solution.


--------------------
rahz

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"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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Offlinen.dangerously
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: Rahz]
    #14116923 - 03/13/11 10:35 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

.. or you could just move out. I've known/had too many friendships fall apart because of becoming roommates.


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Offlinedurantz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: n.dangerously]
    #14117317 - 03/13/11 11:47 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Well it is my house so I will have to ask him to move out if it came to that.

But you guys are right. I need to just man up and decide something or stop complaining about it.


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InvisibleVaranid
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: durantz]
    #14118234 - 03/14/11 06:31 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

I'm less caring. First I would sit down and try to think of specific occasions that led me to this conclusion like if we used to always go out with each other, him and my friends, me and his friends, if we had any mutual friends. If I could honestly say he was jealous and taking actions like you think id give him a 45 day notice just because we used to be friends and be completey done with him. Fuck jealously/envy. Leads to shit talking behind your back and it goes from there.


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Jealousy/Envy *DELETED* [Re: durantz]
    #14118323 - 03/14/11 07:47 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Post deleted by Icelander

Reason for deletion: l



--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


Edited by Icelander (03/14/11 09:23 AM)


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Offlinenumonkei
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: Icelander]
    #14118401 - 03/14/11 08:25 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

Icelander said:
Quote:

durantz said:
Well it is my house so I will have to ask him to move out if it came to that.

But you guys are right. I need to just man up and decide something or stop complaining about it.



:thumbup: you mean to tell me you havn't said anything to him about this?  What kind of friend does that make you?



He didn't say he hasn't said anything about this. Also, asking for feedback before giving someone the boot doesn't necessarily make one a bad friend to someone else.

I'd like a little more articulation from the OP on the situation. Aside from making nuanced comments and not coming out on occasions with the other friend mentioned has this 'jealously or envy' caused any other more serious problems in your living arrangement? If these were people he has long been friends with he might feel a bit resentful if they flock to you more readily for obvious reasons, when we get attached it's easy to feel threatened when it feels that attachment is becoming neglected obviously.

Part of our ego games. :shrug: You aren't fucking one of his ex's or anything else, are you? But yeah, until you come at this guy directly about this it's going to be hard to get any closure or better the situation.

Myself, I've had this situation occur a lot with girls I've been in relationships with, they always got really jealous whenever I'd make friends with her, (their), friends. Often getting really jealous and reclusive irrationally. It's a difficult thing to pacify, especially if they respond by becoming less personable in general. Best of luck to you in resolving this issue.



~Monk


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Offlinedurantz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: numonkei]
    #14118552 - 03/14/11 09:18 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Well Icelander has a point. I think as a friend we have an obligation to help our friends. And in this case I would want to help my friend to let go of jealousy. However, I have a problem because I am trying to help my friend with other things in his life (financial situation). I don't believe it is beneficial to criticise every aspect of a friend at the same time or they will just resent you.

Monk this has nothing to do with girls. Although recently one of the females I met through him has started sleeping with me and I detect some jealousy here. But he met her at the same time as I did...

Yes it is a case of some long term friends hitting it off with me. but When I try to include him in our activities he declines...


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: numonkei]
    #14118569 - 03/14/11 09:25 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

He didn't say he hasn't said anything about this.


that's why I stated it as a question.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: durantz]
    #14118577 - 03/14/11 09:29 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

durantz said:
Well Icelander has a point. I think as a friend we have an obligation to help our friends. And in this case I would want to help my friend to let go of jealousy. However, I have a problem because I am trying to help my friend with other things in his life (financial situation). I don't believe it is beneficial to criticise every aspect of a friend at the same time or they will just resent you.

Monk this has nothing to do with girls. Although recently one of the females I met through him has started sleeping with me and I detect some jealousy here. But he met her at the same time as I did...

Yes it is a case of some long term friends hitting it off with me. but When I try to include him in our activities he declines...




Why would you want to help someone that can't wish you well?  I have found that it's best to weed these people out of your life asap or they will just be an energy drain.  I'm sure you can state your case in a non judgmental manner. Then the balls in his court and if he need to blow you off then that's really for the best. Tip toeing around others like this is not my idea of friendship and my life got a lot better not to mention my friends when I started believing it.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: Icelander]
    #14119037 - 03/14/11 11:59 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Try doing something that he'd think you would envy.

Like if you're playing video games against each other, lose 4/5.
Do things that would make him think you're a moron, if you have control over your ego this shouldn't matter.

If he was to think you are a 'lesser man' than he, his envy should dissipate.


Edited by giza (03/14/11 12:49 PM)


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InvisibleIcelander
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14119098 - 03/14/11 12:12 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

actually I think envy is the correct term.


--------------------
"Don't believe everything you think". -Anom.

" All that lives was born to die"-Anom.

With much wisdom comes much sorrow,
The more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes circa 350 BC


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: Icelander]
    #14119253 - 03/14/11 12:49 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Yes, true.. editing.


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14119277 - 03/14/11 12:52 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Also, don't try to act intelligent around him, he doesn't seem to be able to handle it.
When having a discussion don't discredit his intelligence by proving he is wrong.

Encourage him if you're having a discussion.. like "Ohhh, true man I didn't even think of that!", "Wow, I wish I would of thought of that".


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14119295 - 03/14/11 12:55 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

You should be careful, envy is one of the seeds of hate. IMO.


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Offlinedurantz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14120546 - 03/14/11 05:20 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

hrmmm Giza thanks for your opinion but I'm not sure how that will help the situation... How will dumbing myself down make things better for anyone?


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: durantz]
    #14120592 - 03/14/11 05:28 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

They will think less of you for it.


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Invisiblegiza
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14120606 - 03/14/11 05:31 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

But the others advice is better, would be best just to stay away from them.
No use stressing yourself out because the way another acts.


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InvisibleRahz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14121790 - 03/14/11 08:49 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

I think as a friend we have an obligation to help our friends. And in this case I would want to help my friend to let go of jealousy. However, I have a problem because I am trying to help my friend with other things in his life (financial situation). I don't believe it is beneficial to criticise every aspect of a friend at the same time or they will just resent you.




If you have a good strategy, not involving more effort than you are willing to give, I wouldn't dissuade you from trying as a friend. But the tactics for doing that would not be so different than being fair with a non-friend. :wink:

:shrug:


--------------------
rahz

comfort pleasure power love truth awareness peace


"You’re not looking close enough if you can only see yourself in people who look like you." —Ayishat Akanbi


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Offlinenumonkei
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: giza]
    #14124529 - 03/15/11 10:49 AM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Quote:

When having a discussion don't discredit his intelligence by proving he is wrong.




"What!?! I'm just supposed to sit here and be WRONG??"

:lol:

While it's not always so great to be confrontational, it's clearly dangerous to sit along for the ride when dealing with wrong/crazy.

Shit, look at monotheistic religion. Or the Nazi's.



~Monk


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OfflineDoDahDay
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: numonkei]
    #14125401 - 03/15/11 03:05 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

This guy (envyous one) is living with a friend because he has money problems probably due to his own fuck ups (correct me if Im wrong OP). He is being somewhat fractioned by his friends because you are a likable guy(nothing wrong with that). So the envyous one is, in his male mind, is being belittled. He is looking at this as though he is failing. As a defense, to be expected from someone with pride, he is retaliating with the teasing. Teasing to bring himself back up from his own misery and distancing as a way of acceptance(fighting himself)but really I think its an underlined form or retaliation as well(sort of a "Ill show you" sort of thing).

This situation is nothing that you can fix. The envyous one must see into the fact that, yes, he is at a low point in his life to whatever degree. That his friends have similarities with you,OP, and that is not your fault or something that you can or SHOULD change (dont start being a douche or something else that you are not). Trying to sit down and explain the situation to him would do less damage to his ego then kicking him out but dont think he will be very receptive to it. That is, from what I have deducted.

What sort of relationship do you have with this guy? Meaning, how long have you known him? Must be pretty long if you are letting him stay at YOUR house. If he is that good of a friend, all you can do is help him with his problem as quickly as possible. Whether that be give advice on getting a job or showing him resources. Money managing skills or the like. Be a positive person in his life in showing compassion.  And if he is a REALLY good friend, look for stuff you the two of you can do together( not trying to be gay in the slightest)with no one else.  I have some friends that the two of us can go bowling together or go mushroom hunting for morels or whatever the local delicacy is. Mushroom hunting is a good place to "get the dirt out" in a very non-hostile environment.

I guess what Im trying to get at is that you are looking to make the dude feel better about himself. Sometimes you can, sometimes you cant, but trying helps you, spiritually, and, if he so chooses, can help him. Putting a defensive person on the spot can be devastating for both of you.

Understanding what direction the ball has been thrown will give you a better shot at catching it. I hope that this makes sense and has helped.


--------------------
"I fart in your general direction!  Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries!"


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Offlinedurantz
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Re: Jealousy/Envy [Re: DoDahDay]
    #14127013 - 03/15/11 08:10 PM (12 years, 10 months ago)

Hi Dodahday thanks for the honest advice. I will mull this over and come up with a solution.

I think that patience will win this one over so I won't be too quick to act.

Thanks again


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