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Anonymous #1

about how I'm gonna die alone
    #14106427 - 03/11/11 10:39 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

First off let me just say that the Shroomery offers the best free counseling I know of, so please don't mind all my whining.

I've come to the a place in my life where I'm just starting to get really bitter.. towards everyone. I'm 20 years old. I don't find anybody interesting. I lack the "spark" that one needs to give a lasting impression upon others. I'm very friendly, always live up to my word, and try my best to put myself out there. But people just fuck it up. Everyone is a flake or just boring. I feel so fake and pathetic when I try to start conversation just to block out the silence. I have a few reasons of why I'm like this. First I think that maybe it's psychedelics. They've more or less not killed my social life, but made me realize it's sad. It's like people are trying to qualify their own existence by projecting themselves and their cute little personalities and traits onto others. Second, maybe it has something to do with how I was raised. I tend to think women are dumb and crazy, because that's how I viewed my mother growing up. I have a very hard time getting lasting relationship with male friends, I just don't really give a shit about any of them, maybe because I've seen my Dad probably 20 times in my life.

I don't know what the deal is. I've had 2 sort of girlfriends in my life, both lasted under a month. I've had maybe 1 "best" friend ever, and I havn't talked to him in 2 years. I'm sick and tired of all the games required to start a relationship. It's fucking insane. You spend a week or three trying to get them to even want to associate with you, then one day willy nilly they can decide it's all over, all that time and commitment wasted.

I think I'm going to die alone. I prefer to do things by myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd love friends, I'd love a girlfriend to come home to, but it just doesn't seem like it will ever happen, or that I will ever meet the right friend or that right girl. Music and Drugs are the only things in this world that interest me any more. Any I hardly do drugs anymore, but seriously it's like a fucking breath of fresh air whenever I am blessed with the chance to take a hit of.. whatever it may be. Is that a bad thing?

Edited by Anonymous (03/11/11 10:41 PM)

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InvisibleI_was_the_walrus
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14106505 - 03/11/11 10:59 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I'm 20 years old.





Well theres yer problem right there...

But seriously, youre young. Things change, people change. Looking back when I was 20, I was a completely different person. Always remember, its your life. Do what you want with it. I know it may appear impossible, but you literally have the world at your fingertips. Sure theres gonna be some obstacles, so what? Get off yer ass and get shit done.

Quote:

I hardly do drugs anymore, but seriously it's like a fucking breath of fresh air whenever I am blessed with the chance to take a hit of.. whatever it may be. Is that a bad thing? 




It can be. Dont shut yourself off to the world and opportunities. Self control is important. Im not gonna give you a drug awareness lecture, but keep your head on your shoulders. Theres nothing sadder than watching a jobless, drug addicted friend slowly kill himself and burn bridges with everybody that loves him.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14106552 - 03/11/11 11:12 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I also wanna note that I've been doing some reading on the subject and find a lot of people have anxiety disorders that really prevent them from establishing relationships. I don't have that problem. I just choose not too. I just wanted to distinguish myself in that regard.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14106561 - 03/11/11 11:15 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

I_was_the_walrus said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
I'm 20 years old.





Well theres yer problem right there...

But seriously, youre young. Things change, people change. Looking back when I was 20, I was a completely different person. Always remember, its your life. Do what you want with it. I know it may appear impossible, but you literally have the world at your fingertips. Sure theres gonna be some obstacles, so what? Get off yer ass and get shit done.

Quote:

I hardly do drugs anymore, but seriously it's like a fucking breath of fresh air whenever I am blessed with the chance to take a hit of.. whatever it may be. Is that a bad thing? 




It can be. Dont shut yourself off to the world and opportunities. Self control is important. Im not gonna give you a drug awareness lecture, but keep your head on your shoulders. Theres nothing sadder than watching a jobless, drug addicted friend slowly kill himself and burn bridges with everybody that loves him.




Well like I said, I've been high maybe 5 times in the last 2 years.

I don't need it, I just absolutely love it. I think what you said about "getting off my ass" is the most important thing. I've been real hard on myself lately because I feel like I'm either wasting all my time posting here or just doing other stupid shit. The problem is that I work so long by the time I get home I'm just beat to shit and don't feel like studying or meditating or learning. I feel like I'm wasting away in a sense. As Jello Biafra would say, it's like a New Feudalism. Work the people so hard that by the time they're done working, all they're willing to do is sit on the couch and drink a beer.

I feel like I've come to a point where I'm slowly realizing that I'm not as special as everyone always told me as I was growing up. I'm just a talentless "virus with shoes" as Hicks would say. I find sanity in separation I suppose. I think, if weather permits, I'm gonna go for a hike tomorrow and just sit down and try and figure some shit out. Maybe that will help.

Edited by Anonymous (03/11/11 11:17 PM)

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InvisibleWise Toad
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14106574 - 03/11/11 11:17 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Im going through the same thing in a way, I cant find anybody in my everyday life who is real/worth relating to. Nobody listens, the only intellegent people I know are either on the shroomery or on xbox, those are the truest of my friends. Iv honestly tried my hardest lately to avoid people, I got rid of my phone and just focus on activities that will further my intellect/interests(shroomery, reading, drugs, going out in nature).

Im sick of the world around me being so devoid of thought, care, and hope. Nobody seems to give a fuck and is living on the edge trying anything to forget. Whereas all I want to do is find and embrace myself they want to separate from who they are as much as possible. I have worthwhile friends but our personalities are so radically different, we all use drugs but for different reasons. They always end up dragging me to some event that I dont really care for.

I honestly hope to die alone, I wouldn't want to have the responsibility of another person and I find the only time I enjoy myself is when im alone.

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Invisiblep4kSouL
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14106593 - 03/11/11 11:20 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Lifes not easy man, your young you will figure it out one day its like learning how to climb a mountain.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Wise Toad]
    #14106621 - 03/11/11 11:26 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

p4kSouL said:
Lifes not easy man, your young you will figure it out one day its like learning how to climb a mountain.




Well this will probably sound stupid but I almost feel like I've "pretty much got the gist" of relationships and people, and have come to the conclusion that it's not for me :shrug:
Quote:

Wise Toad said:
Im going through the same thing in a way, I cant find anybody in my everyday life who is real/worth relating to. Nobody listens, the only intellegent people I know are either on the shroomery or on xbox, those are the truest of my friends. Iv honestly tried my hardest lately to avoid people, I got rid of my phone and just focus on activities that will further my intellect/interests(shroomery, reading, drugs, going out in nature).

Im sick of the world around me being so devoid of thought, care, and hope. Nobody seems to give a fuck and is living on the edge trying anything to forget. Whereas all I want to do is find and embrace myself they want to separate from who they are as much as possible. I have worthwhile friends but our personalities are so radically different, we all use drugs but for different reasons. They always end up dragging me to some event that I dont really care for.

I honestly hope to die alone, I wouldn't want to have the responsibility of another person and I find the only time I enjoy myself is when im alone.




Pretty much. I wouldn't say the Shroomery's furthering my intellect however, but really it's the only thing I have to turn to when I'm so tired after a long day and just wanna have some kind of intellectual stimulation.

I've become fascinated with ants :lol: They send off mental signals to each other and will kill themselves to save each other. Living in this society just really feels like poison. It's slowly killing me everyday. I feel like the way I dress and the way I talk is nothing but a resume to "potential buyers" if you will. Nobody cares about me on a personal level. It's all symbols and games, even family. I'm loved because I'm a son, or a grandson, or a brother, but those are all just stigma's attached to my body, I didn't earn that love. I feel as if it's falsified. Sorry if I'm going off on a tangent, I'm not in a good mood :crankey:

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Invisiblep4kSouL
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14106635 - 03/11/11 11:28 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Just learn to be happy inwardly, its not about other people its about your own happiness.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: p4kSouL]
    #14106642 - 03/11/11 11:30 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Yeah yeah that's what I'm working on. I guess that's a problem too, not inwardly or outwardly satisfied.

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Invisiblep4kSouL
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14106654 - 03/11/11 11:32 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Inward is outward the way i see it. You fix the inward then the outward is fixed also :shrug:

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Invisiblep4kSouL
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: p4kSouL]
    #14106668 - 03/11/11 11:35 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Its like people are so blinded by "perspective". Or the ego. If we just get rid of those perspectives that put us in negative moods then a better perspective would probably open up. I dunno.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: p4kSouL]
    #14106688 - 03/11/11 11:38 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I think my hardest problem is figuring out what the fuck I want from my life.

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InvisibleI_was_the_walrus
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14106727 - 03/11/11 11:46 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
I think my hardest problem is figuring out what the fuck I want from my life.




Ditto.

As of january, I quit my job and sold all of my shit. I wasnt happy. So I decided to find happiness, and hit the road. Ive been in las vegas visiting friends and family since. Camping and hiking and random adventures. Im heading to florida in a week to wwoof on a farm. If I can do this, anybody can. I have grants for school in the fall if I want to fall back on that, as for now..my whole life is just up in the air. Exactly the way I want it. Going with the world around me. Lets see where it goes...

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: I_was_the_walrus]
    #14107915 - 03/12/11 08:46 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

I_was_the_walrus said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
I think my hardest problem is figuring out what the fuck I want from my life.




Ditto.

As of january, I quit my job and sold all of my shit. I wasnt happy. So I decided to find happiness, and hit the road. Ive been in las vegas visiting friends and family since. Camping and hiking and random adventures. Im heading to florida in a week to wwoof on a farm. If I can do this, anybody can. I have grants for school in the fall if I want to fall back on that, as for now..my whole life is just up in the air. Exactly the way I want it. Going with the world around me. Lets see where it goes...





:lol:

That sounds perfect.

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InvisibleKid_Orgo
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Wise Toad]
    #14108143 - 03/12/11 10:12 AM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Well this will probably sound stupid but I almost feel like I've "pretty much got the gist" of relationships and people, and have come to the conclusion that it's not for me :shrug:




Stupidity feels like genius. To an idiot, everything is simple.

I'm not necessarily calling you an idiot, you're just young.

To you and Wise Toad, you guys will grow out of it. Just because other people aren't what you consider genuine doesn't mean you can't share genuine connections with them. Part of growing up is letting go of your high notions and relating to other people on their terms and being comfortable with that.

It's one of the great ironies of this place that so many people that talk so much smack about their absence of ego and abandonment of perspective are so uppity about their realizations.


--------------------
He was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fights. No business, no hangout; no friends, nothing; just what you pick up and what you need.

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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Kid_Orgo]
    #14109420 - 03/12/11 03:00 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Kid_Orgo said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Well this will probably sound stupid but I almost feel like I've "pretty much got the gist" of relationships and people, and have come to the conclusion that it's not for me :shrug:




Stupidity feels like genius. To an idiot, everything is simple.

I'm not necessarily calling you an idiot, you're just young.

To you and Wise Toad, you guys will grow out of it. Just because other people aren't what you consider genuine doesn't mean you can't share genuine connections with them. Part of growing up is letting go of your high notions and relating to other people on their terms and being comfortable with that.

It's one of the great ironies of this place that so many people that talk so much smack about their absence of ego and abandonment of perspective are so uppity about their realizations.




You completely misunderstood my point and just came off like a complete asshole, just being honest.

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Offlineamilibertine
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14109471 - 03/12/11 03:11 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Kid_Orgo said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Well this will probably sound stupid but I almost feel like I've "pretty much got the gist" of relationships and people, and have come to the conclusion that it's not for me :shrug:




Stupidity feels like genius. To an idiot, everything is simple.

I'm not necessarily calling you an idiot, you're just young.

To you and Wise Toad, you guys will grow out of it. Just because other people aren't what you consider genuine doesn't mean you can't share genuine connections with them. Part of growing up is letting go of your high notions and relating to other people on their terms and being comfortable with that.

It's one of the great ironies of this place that so many people that talk so much smack about their absence of ego and abandonment of perspective are so uppity about their realizations.




You completely misunderstood my point and just came off like a complete asshole, just being honest.




I think that's your problem right there.  He didn't come off as an asshole to me.  You say you "almost feel like you get the gists of relationships" but you admitted that you've only had two relationships with women, each lasting less than a month.  To me that says that you have no idea about how relationships are or what they can offer you.


--------------------




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Anonymous #1

Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: amilibertine]
    #14109498 - 03/12/11 03:18 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

amilibertine said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Quote:

Kid_Orgo said:
Quote:

Anonymous said:
Well this will probably sound stupid but I almost feel like I've "pretty much got the gist" of relationships and people, and have come to the conclusion that it's not for me :shrug:




Stupidity feels like genius. To an idiot, everything is simple.

I'm not necessarily calling you an idiot, you're just young.

To you and Wise Toad, you guys will grow out of it. Just because other people aren't what you consider genuine doesn't mean you can't share genuine connections with them. Part of growing up is letting go of your high notions and relating to other people on their terms and being comfortable with that.

It's one of the great ironies of this place that so many people that talk so much smack about their absence of ego and abandonment of perspective are so uppity about their realizations.




You completely misunderstood my point and just came off like a complete asshole, just being honest.




I think that's your problem right there.  He didn't come off as an asshole to me.  You say you "almost feel like you get the gists of relationships" but you admitted that you've only had two relationships with women, each lasting less than a month.  To me that says that you have no idea about how relationships are or what they can offer you.




He came in with a preconceived notion about people in the psychedelic community (Shroomery) are all high and mighty with their beliefs. That is simply not true. That generalization made him look like an asshole.

"Part of growing up is letting go of your high notions and relating to other people on their terms and being comfortable with that."

Assholery. I have no "high notions", I am just who I am and a result of my experiences. I never claimed anything about my "absence of Ego" or whatever crap he's spewing, in fact I think that whole "holier then thou" attitude of many people who take psychedelics is pretty pathetic. It seems he's the one failing to relate to others.

Neither relationship ending was my fault, and I wasn't talking just about female counterparts, but actual male friends as well.

Edited by Anonymous (03/12/11 03:22 PM)

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InvisibleWise Toad
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Anonymous #1]
    #14109666 - 03/12/11 03:56 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

I don't think he was targeting us in such a sense, I could be wrong:shrug:.

Part of me loves ego and part of me wants to rip it to shreds so I go back and forth in an almost wavelike pattern; I find that helps me by giving so many different point of views.

To Kid Orgo, Im not sure I fully grasp what you mean by relating to others on their terms. I accept everyone that seeks my friendship but the only relationships I see as worthwhile are those where I can make a true connection. To have said connection I need what I would consider to be an imaginative(idealistic), open minded, and all around friendly (as opposed to an intelligent person who comes off as trying to 1-up you to further their own ego) personality. Someone who will listen, be enthusiastic, and respond to complex statements with something of their own that will keep the discussion going(the other 95% just respond with an affirmative that lacks any understanding of what was just said and text or distract them selves in other ways during discussion or tune me out when imagination comes into play)

This is why I love the shroomery, I find most here are similar to me in that they will listen and respond with something worth learning from in a generally unbiased manner

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InvisibleKid_Orgo
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Re: about how I'm gonna die alone [Re: Wise Toad]
    #14110761 - 03/12/11 07:20 PM (12 years, 11 months ago)

Quote:

Wise Toad said:
To Kid Orgo, Im not sure I fully grasp what you mean by relating to others on their terms. I accept everyone that seeks my friendship but the only relationships I see as worthwhile are those where I can make a true connection.




I'm not sure what I was saying applies to you, then, but maybe it does.

I was saying that waiting to find people that are on your level on everything is going to be a long and lonely wait, but if you're already accepting of the idiots and assholes that make up the human race and just yearning for intellectual equals, I guess that's another complaint altogether.


#1:

I could go through your post and point out exactly why I said what I did, but I don't feel like arguing with you. You can get defensive as long as you want (I honestly wasn't trying to shit on you), but you'll still be 20yo and unhappy and acting as such.

I don't envy you for what you'll go through in the next couple of years. The early twenties sucked ass for me too, for just about the same reasons, and I wouldn't have listened to a god damn thing either.


--------------------
He was a cowboy in one of the seven days a week fights. No business, no hangout; no friends, nothing; just what you pick up and what you need.

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