I'm just not that talkative and that's all there is to it. I think if I had more than 3-4 friends I'd just end up (gradually) ignoring the good part of them and loose contact. Not that I dislike them or anything, but just I'm 'boring' and don't wanna go out all the time, you know. I like alone time; most of my hobbies are anti-social and don't appeal to other people in the least. I know that I'm 'boring' because it's very rare that someone would actually wanna visit, and actually go out of their way to avoid it. That's fine, and even understandable. I'll still go out to chill with whoever every now and then, just when I get tired of all the solitude. But even then, it doesn't feel natural, nor do they feel like real friends, just deceiving bots.
It just sucks when you realize of all the shitty people you've met, the few you do keep around, are also shitty and have no problems with straight up lying to you. Irrelevant lies sure, but when they're defended with ""I wouldn't lie to you, I've known you 6yrs!!"" yeah well FUCK YOU, all your petty lies, your prefabricated "social life", I've had enough. But in my experience, this is how most* people are and I've just grown to dislike the vast majority of them. I have no problems with alienating myself and actually kind of enjoy the personal freedom. I'm a proud cynic and will remain so, despite the adverse effects, I can't help it.
I've thus far in life made 1 good friend who I've always trusted and still do. It's just I'm really out of touch with him, but I plan to change that. I mean, I'll try. We've just grown so far apart, physically and mentally, and it almost seems that it'd take more effort than it's worth to maintain a relatively close friendship with him. UHHHG. I smoke so I'm a pothead to him no matter how I try to explain it. I've NEVER smoked [>4g] any week to myself; anywhere from 1-3 bowls a night, never more than that, I'm very controlled/disciplined. But I have the "druggie" label stamped on my forehead. I fucking hate labels.
In my ideal little world, I'd have 3-4 good friends that I completely trust, acquaintances too for the lolz. I'd visit them just as much as they'd visit me, and they wouldn't try to change/"better" me. I like me how I am. But fuck why does that seem so impossible? It shouldn't, but it probably is. I've recently noticed quite a lot of people take interest in me; which is very weird, and I feel like I'm disappointing them by not being talkative/witty/funny. I can be that way, sure, but it takes some effort on my part, because I'm naturally a downer unless something is explicitly making me happy, which typically isn't the case. I can't get myself at all excited at the thought of a new prospective relationship, it doesn't even seem feasible. I'm hopeless here and starting to become content with it.
Can anyone relate?
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Yea I can relate. Im a female and have pretty much no female friends. In my childhood I was repeatedly bullied and outcasted by girls who i thought were my friends. In high school I had a few female friends who I mostly smoked weed with, but theyve let me down when I needed them and were no longer in touch.
Ive found solace in relationships, because if its the right person not only do you get to have intelligent conversations, but you get laid. Seems like the best of both worlds.
Im in university now and hear people frequently talk about their nightly plans like whos house party their going to ect. but I dont really think theres much meaning in that. I mean youre just going to get stupid drunk and talk about bullshit. I cant stand all the bullshit.
But anyways, what ive done to find some interesting friends is Ive gone to really small alternative cinemas where there were less than 5 audience members. Just go out alone to the most randomest interesting things you can find in your area. what also works is just sit outside on a bench and read and eventually something will happen. atleast thats what ive found
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